Hello, this is the second scheduled post I mentioned. Wrote this 3 days ago. I must admit that, after reading all your comments, I was ashamed. Ashamed of my naivety, stubbornness, and probably delusional hopes. I was on the verge of deleting all my future posts, but decided against it. I'm keeping this honest and real, it wouldn't make sense otherwise.
I just got home from my vacations and my head feels like a drum. On the last night of our vacations, Josh and I went out to dinner (I paid) and had a conversation about how we could manage things.
I just got home from my vacations and my head feels like a drum. On the last night of our vacations, Josh and I went out to dinner (I paid) and had a conversation about how we could manage things.
Long story short, I told him I would be ok with helping him one more time, as long as he did something for me. We could act as if he was unemployed - I'd help him out, but he would have to help around the house on a daily basis and clean the whole house once a week so I wouldn't have to pay for a cleaning lady as I've been doing so far (we have a dog in the apartment and I can't deal with a dirty home).
He was ok with it, he said he would clean up every wednesday and would also cook me dinner every day, and in exchange I'd pay for his bank loan and would pay all the bills. (He would continue to pay for his food.) I was quite surprised, I was expecting this cleaning house thing would harm his masculinity, but it turns out it didn't.
Then he put something else on the table: he asked me if I would also pay for like 2 dinners out between him and friends (I could also go along, of course) every month (40 dollars total), if he would prepare a special diet and exercise plan for me and if he'd cook all my meals, including those I would then take to work. As I mentioned earlier he's like a gym enthusiast and has a special diet for himself, and I wouldn't mind trying it as well. He then raised the bar for 4 dinners (80 dollars a month). So... 80 dollars plus his 125 loan plus 100 dollar bills every month. I thought, since I earn around 1200 a month it'd be ok.
Then he put something else on the table: he asked me if I would also pay for like 2 dinners out between him and friends (I could also go along, of course) every month (40 dollars total), if he would prepare a special diet and exercise plan for me and if he'd cook all my meals, including those I would then take to work. As I mentioned earlier he's like a gym enthusiast and has a special diet for himself, and I wouldn't mind trying it as well. He then raised the bar for 4 dinners (80 dollars a month). So... 80 dollars plus his 125 loan plus 100 dollar bills every month. I thought, since I earn around 1200 a month it'd be ok.
But.. today I came home and talked to my parents about it, and they say this is terrible. They claim it's terrible that Josh isn't capable of looking for a job, even if that means he'll lose me (when we have bad fights about money he refuses to get a job and invites me to find some other guy who will do that for me). It's terrible that he has to ask for money in return of simple favors that should come naturally from his life choices - for instance, since he's at home all day, my parents think it would be perfectly natural for him to clean the house once a week, and even cook me dinner if necessary, free of charge. It's terrible that he's keeping me from having a normal family. And finally, they say it's terible that I don't do anything about it, just continue to help him and accept everything.
I'm drained. All these words sunk into me and now I feel terrible. I don't know what I want anymore. I mean, I want to be happy. With Josh. I want to help Josh, but I don't want to be a sucker in this relationship! I earn twice what he makes. Is my decision to help him out, by paying some bills, while he does things for me in return, an immature decision? Or is it just not the perfect relationship, that my parents wish I had, but it's still acceptable?
I've always been very confused and insecure about my personal decisions and I've always counted on my parents' guidance, so knowing that they're not behind me on this scares me shitless. A pitiful little girl, you may think, but... I'm just being totally honest here.
xoxo
Andrea
Ok, well if you are being totally honest, I'm going to be totally honest.
ReplyDeleteIt's time to grow up!
That's right. It's time for YOU to grow up!
You are not a child any more. It is time to take responsibility for your life, your actions and your happiness.
Let's just talk in simple dollars and cents (sense) shall we.
Whilst $1200/month may seem an adequate amount of money to live a relatively comfortable life for a single young lady....it certainly isn't the sort of money that funds a lifetime of dreams and financial independence unless handled with great care.
Should you be very careful with your money, ensure you set aside some savings for a rainy day, meet all your obligatory financial commitments on time and keep the fridge full....there should still be enough left over for a few of the nice little things in life if you plan well. Some new shoes, a perfume, a trip to the hairdresser, even a girls weekend away from time to time.
You must understand however....the money you make is not enough to secure your financial independence with an emotionally blackmailing, scrounging, hanger-on along for the ride.
I'm not sure how to say this without coming off like an absolute effing arsehole...so, let me just rip the band aid off quickly and hope it doesn't hurt too much.
It's time to stand up, be your own woman and resist the urge to covet emotional security and love, (for want of a better word) from a man who is doing nothing other than breaking your soul down, bit by bit, a little at a time, until he gains complete control over you.
Josh is taking advantage of your kindness.
Josh will milk you dry.
Josh does NOT love you.
Josh does NOT respect you.
Josh is USING you.
You are Josh's ticket to a smoother ride.
When the ride is over, he WILL move on without looking back.
Josh is a C*NT.
I say, what I say with absolute love. I wish nothing but the very best for you. I wish you a lifetime of happiness and new shoes. I wish you all the baubles that working hard and being a caring person deserves.
You must understand however, you will never be able to realise what your very best is, what your potential is, what you are capable of and what you deserve whilst there is this anchor around you....dragging you down, deeper and deeper into despair.
Cut him loose young lady.
The pain of the loss will pass very quickly and you will be relishing in your independence and freedom before you know it.
There is someone charming and sweet and loving and kind and generous and funny and smart and hard working out there waiting for you...I promise.
Thank you for readind and commenting, although I think you went a little overboard considering someone a cunt based on a set of posts - they describe the worst (not the ok, or the great) times we've had. But I guess it's the only possible comment anyone can make, after reading my blog.
DeleteI've already written a post that is schedulled for tomorrow and explains some things.
On a side note, 1200 a month is an above average salary in my country.
I did forewarn you that what I was about to say might sting.
DeleteObviously, I didn't rip the sticky plaster off quickly enough.....because my words seem to have stung you, sadly though, not in the way they were intended to.
I guess I hoped, you'd slap yourself across the face and give yourself a good stern talking to and question why you have never realised what I said.....instead, you have defended him again, intentionally or not.
If $1200/month is more than the average salary in your country....then might I suggest you start squirreling away as much as you possibly can. Give it to your parents, stuff cash in a shoe box, open a safety deposit box, get a secret bank account....but whatever you do, put it where Josh can't find it....and never, ever, ever tell him about it.....because the day is coming where he is going to need another cash injection and he is going to come to you for it....and you must be prepared to tell him that you just don't have it. Yes, flat out lie!
I think, deep down, you know what you should do, you know that it's cut him loose....but deeper down, you know that you aren't going to do that, not yet, not until he totally breaks your hart apart, stomps on it, rips it up and leaves you a jibbering mess in the corner of your house wondering where the hell it all went so wrong.
If you are looking at this blog as simply a place to vent, that's fine, go ahead and vent your frustrations....but be careful not to solicit advice.
Plenty of people will follow along as you pour your heart out in pure frustration....probably me included.
However....if the intent of this blog is to ask for advice on how you should handle your life....or the man in it, then you are going to need to be able to take the comments....most of which, have and will encourage you to rid yourself of this festering boil you are lugging around with you.
You deserve more.
Place some value on yourself.
If you don't care for you and take a vested interest in a positive outcome for your life, then who will?
People only treat you like shit if you allow them to. Remember that.
Nobody can make you feel anyway that you don't allow them to.
I stand by throwing a C-Bomb in his face. If it walks like a duck.....well, I'm sure you know the rest.
Good luck.
i second the motion that this dude is a cunt.and not a nice shaven smooth pink juicy cunt either but a puss infested, hairy, smells like a dumpster full of rotten seafood and rancid maggot meat nasty cunt. i still think she is talking about a past relationship with TBC. too many similar traits.
DeleteLOLOLOL that's disgusting. No it's not TBC. I believe I read somewhere he has a disability..? No, Josh is perfectly able to work, he just chose not to, considering the alternatives he believes he has a better chance at Poker (I'll explain better tomorrow).
DeleteRegarding "the day he'll need another cash injection", I assure those days are over, I'm not giving him another dime. Even if he knows I have a lot of money. If he can't deal with it, I won't stop him from leaving.
I'm from Europe. I thought they had forbidden online Poker in the USA...? Am I wrong? Anyway, Josh only plays online.
tony doesnt have a disability. he is just a degen gambler. tony is just use to living off the govt and begging 4 money. also, i wish i could believe that u wont give josh more money but i dont.also, some sites u can play poker on. it is complicated. also, read just the facts, low stakes blog today . it is good. sorry, the reason josh chooses not to work is bcuz u and other enable him. well hagd. is it raining in ireland?
DeleteNice try, but I'm not from Ireland :P
Deletepoland?
DeleteHa, I would not have guessed Ireland from the clues given. I won't post my guess though.
DeleteI hope you are not going to go through all the countries in Europe one by one.
Deletereally pokerdogg. when i think 3rd world i think ireland or mayb greece. but josh is a mommys boy living with his grandmother so italy is possible too. sicilian too. did u know the moors conquered sicily.
DeleteThere are mommys boys all over the world, and throughout history. I am sure there were mommys boys amongst the moors.
Deletemayb i will guess 1 a week.i liked ireland bcuz it seems josh had a job earlier that was govt subsudized and i think ireland is big on that,i just took a shot in the dark.
DeleteDo you know what a leech is?
ReplyDeleteYou live with one.
Time to throw it out.
Do you live in a third world country? I'm seriously confused as to where you are from - options for his self improvement could vary greatly.
ReplyDeleteEither way, i feel worse for you by the day. You seem like a sweet girl who wants to love and be loved, and think there is enough good in your relationship and bf to put up with the bad, convincing yourself it will get better.
Newsflash: you've peaked and are back to the downslide. The fear of losing you made your bf be on his absolute best behaviour for as long as he could fake it, but now he is confident that he's getting exactly what he wants out of you while providing you enough of a false sense of power and security to keep you baited.
He tells you to go find another guy because he both doesn't respect you or your relationship, and he also knows that he has you so wrapped around his finger that you will give him whatever he wants.
You can keep placing as many conditions upon him as you want, and make as many compromises as you think are fair, but the sad truth is that Mr. Josh is free rolling his girlfriend for everything but his own food, including having his social life funded, and he gets to stay home and play poker all day with absolutely no pressure to perform/succeed/improve/be an adult, because you will give him everything he wants and needs. His reward to you? Cooking when he's home all day anyways, and cleaning once a week. Shit you're supposed to do when you live with someone and love them. Instead, you're providing rewards to him for these insignificant efforts at being a good and considerate boyfriend, on top of enabling and supporting a fully grown man child.
This is really, really sad. You clearly suffer from low self esteem to be more than happy to support his embarrassingly juvenile life choices in exchange for token and paid for by you efforts towards showing his appreciation for what you bring to his selfish and self indulgent little bubble of a world.
You do know why people all of a sudden show an obsessive and irregular obsession with fitness and appearance right? Its so they can be appealing to others. Meaning : not you.
I wish you the best because you deserve it. You're never going to get it from mr i do arm curls and play poker all day long on my girlfriends dime.
Thank you for your very lucid comment. I agree with everything you've said. I usually need friends or family to tell me what's acceptable and what's not, because I don't have the... confidence to trust my own instincts.
DeleteMaybe that's why I haven't dumped him. I think: "this is wrong", or "I could be happier" but I don't FEEL accordingly. I'm working on it... (including on therapy) I hope that soon I can start feeling in my heart that the things I think are right, and find the inner strength to act upon them.
Thank you.
Thank you for the positive response. I don't mean to be rude or blunt or hurt your feelings, it just breaks my heart to see someone who could bring so much to a positive relationship wasting their formative years on someone who just isn't ever going to amount to anything.
DeleteThe poker boom is over. Fish aren't lining up to give their money away like they used to. If he's not making a viable living wage yet despite the red carpet living conditions you've provided to do so, it's not going to happen anytime soon. When you mention being sponsored being one of josh top priorities from the get go, that is proof positive that this is an ego based mission and not a providing for the family mission. He hopes for fame as a form of validation, not financial security as a form of providing for you and future children
Please don't waste the best years of your life being walked all over by this douche, hoping he gets it together. If your goal is marriage and children, go find a guy who wants that too and will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Because it won't ever happen with the guy who views you as his really generous provider.
dump the loser, girl.WTF.r u sure u arent in america. u use to date TBC in the past,huh. bcuz this guy sounds like TBC times 100. just sitting around not doing shit and telling u lies of how he is making all the right move AND LOSING. IF only i had more money . i need that BIG BANKROLL.u say third world. do u live in detroit or newark, new jersey?
ReplyDeleteAndrea,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the brutally honest blog.
Could you do a post talking about your self-esteem, and how you feel about yourself?
I can't understand how someone who seems to be intelligent and sophisticated would allow herself to be used like you have. I can only think that you must feel like you are totally worthless to be willing to let someone treat you like this. The person you describe in your posts is horrendous. He doesn't treat you with respect or love in any way. He doesn't even treat you like a person with feelings.
Your blog is great, but it would be better if there were more you in it, not your "situation."
Thank you so much DuggleBogey, I will do that, it's a good idea for my next post. I have one already planned for tomorrow, but on saturday I'll post about me then. Thank you for the encouragement!
DeleteOne other item to consider: you seem to place a great deal of importance on your family's opinions of your actions.
ReplyDeleteThat's not necessarily bad, as family (loving, functional ones) are important. However, you've mentioned a couple times that you've come up with a plan that seems to make both you and Josh happy...until you share it with your family and they express their opinions. You then start doubting yourself and seem to throw all of your original opinions out the window and embrace their perspective entirely.
That's not healthy. They could be right on some issues (girl - Josh is taking you FOR A RIDE! As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA), but this is an unhealthy pattern for you to develop. It could lead to your family undermining you and whomever you marry.
Your family will always be your family. But at some point, you will need to exert yourself as a woman and stop playing the role of their little girl.
Best of luck.
s.i.
Wise words, actually that is very true, about me and my family. For instace, when I kicked Josh out after finding out about his doubtful online conversation, I did it because my parents told me to.
DeleteI mean, at first of course I wanted him out, but then, when I was sure he didn't actually cheat and it was all a misunderstanding (or a stupid thing he'd done), I didn't want him to leave. By then I was too ashamed to go against my family (and friends), so I acted against myself instead.
I've also started a PhD only to please my father (around the same time), because he always pressured me to do it. It was going to be hell because I had a job that took much of my time and energy, and because I didn't feel like it! But I applied anyway. I ended up being among the first selected to attend, but I gave up after realising I was, again, acting against myself.
I'll write about this soon in a post. Thank you for your words, you were SO right.
Hi, Andrea. Thanks for sharing so candidly.
ReplyDeleteEvery post I read stings thinking about my sister. The similarities are endless. She knew her boyfriend was a loser, an addict, unwilling to get a job. Our family hated him, but after 10 years agreed to support her in whatever made her happy, including tolerating this loser. Trust me, it wasn't easy to tolerate a racist, addicted loser.
I'll keep it short, but let's hope your story turns out differently. My sister married that loser, they had a child together. He said he had "cash" jobs and never brought home a paycheck, but sometimes cash. Turns out he was forging checks, stealing from friends, breaking into our parents' home and stealing everything gold. We couldn't prove it, but the person used a key, disturbed nothing, but all gold was mysteriously gone (jewelry, watches, whatever).
My sister FINALLY saw the light, but at what cost? The guy did prison time for multiple felony counts of forgery. She has a restraining order against him now that he's out. Her 9 year old daughter is confused and not sure if she should be afraid of her father (he stalks them constantly).
Now, I'm not saying your situation is the same, because it's not. But you're setting the first dominoes now. Then you add a couple more, maybe marriage, maybe a kid. When the dominoes begin to fall, nothing will stop them. Nothing.
I'm sure your Josh has some great qualities and you love him for those. Please do not set any more dominoes until this HUGE issue is resolved. I'm hoping the best for you, for Josh, and your life with or without him. Answering the question "where is Daddy" is a lot harder to answer than "remember when you used to date that guy who thought he was a poker player?"
Wow, that's a hell of a story. I will definately think twice before setting any dominoes. Specially regarding having kids! Thank u for sharing :)
Deletewithout knowing Josh, id be extremely skeptical of the claims hes a bad poker player, id have to watch his play to really know. WHY? because people have tried to claim im a bad player, when the people who actually know me best and have invested money in me do not think so. u said Josh used to win a long time ago back when he had money to play adequate stakes. so did I, and i only started not being able to make hardly anything when i got too low on money to play.
ReplyDeleteMost of the posters here, seattle irish excepted, are nothing but trolls from my blog, and are certainly not here to look out for ur best interests. (angerisagift, olliesmydog, frostystinkmitt, etc). all of whom repeatedly say nothing but negative stuff, and never a kind word to anyone. as much evidence as there is i won close to 20-30k a year every year til they started reading my new blog, they ignore it. how did i support myself all those years and remain inside every night before i ever got ssi in 2007? sure wasnt from working, it all came from poker. To win at poker, it takes a bankroll, when Josh says that hes being honest. But online poker is far harder to beat than live poker, and he would be better off playing live.
the way u can tell they are only saying this to harass me, and not to help u, is because for one, they dont really believe u exist and think that surely u must be someone who knows me. and they think since im not doing well lately, that everyone else must be losing too. they are here mainly to make me look bad, not to help u.
the only person on here we know is truly horrible at poker is GROUSE. why? because in his own words, he brought $8000 to vegas, played nothing but poker, and left with $1200 within a week or two. i could play years on that, (and have many times) without ever going broke. only a truly horrible donkey would ever lose that all at poker. i only had some big losses when i played other things besides poker, never would lose that at poker alone. and my losses of $6000+ took a lot longer period of time too. I'm sure the tourists who come here will be glad to see grouse is back in town, they will be looking for an easy target.
But winning online is quite tough, especially without a bankroll. and for anyone to guess ud be in ireland shows they have no common sense at all. in ireland the average salary would be far higher than 1200 a month, u must be in a place like the phillipines.
any woman that loves her man should be there to morally support him and his decisions. u are a good woman, but u need to realize if u love someone u wont care if they have money or not, but just be there for them. when i love someone and i have money i spend it making their lives better, and ive regretted that before too, think of lorna and britni. But thats because i cared about someone who didnt feel the same way back. Josh does care about u, but he is too stressed out worrying how he can get back on his feet and be seen as a success in ur eyes right now to think about other things. for people to think a guy would leave a woman whose stuck with him and did so much for him is ignorant and shows how little people really know. im speaking for myself, but id love a woman forever if i knew she would stay with me thru the bad times and not just only be there if times were good, so im sure most men would feel the same.
alot of people here seem to think a man is only worthy of love is he has a good income. this is an insidious idea thats corrupted the minds of way too many women, and is why the world is so cold and selfish today, and i thank God everyday im not like that but still loving and caring and believes in doing whats right. i dont even sell out for money, notice im doing all i can to avoid being on the govt dime and just play poker to survive.
Tony, Phillipines is not in Europe, where Andrea said they are located.
DeleteAndrea, I have following Tony's blog for last several years, and I have tried where I can to give him the best advices I could. However, his life and blog should be read as a cautionary tale, of someone who is severly addicted to gambling. He also has other challenges such as his Asperger's syndrome, and his family background and upbringing, but the overriding factor in his life and how he lives it, is his gambling addiction.
He views the world through an extremely skewed lense, beware.
Great job once again on trying to make everything on the Internet about you, Tony.
DeleteIt is unfortunate that the attention being paid to this fantastic story teller bothers you so much.
Tony, much of what you said makes sense, regardless of your past. I also believe in standing with the ones u love in good times and bad, as long as we're not feeling used or mistreated.
DeleteAbout who is a donk or not, who wins and loses, I don't know any of you, so I will keep accepting everyone's thoughts equally.
Maybe u are crazy as some say, and of course I won't make any decision in my Life just because of this or that comment, but I definately share some of your views.
This isn't about you Tony. Shut up. Just SHUT UP!
DeleteTony,
DeleteYou really are a fucking loser. So are you going to take me up on my offer this weekend or not? With as shitty at poker I am, it should be an easy double up for your tiny sock roll.
P.S. Take a fucking shower before we play. Stinky people at the table bother me. Thanks.
-grouse
LMAO.of course, tony. u PROS stick together. lol. u r a joke. mayb u can rob some1 like in the past to build yr bankroll.of course ,u would love some1 thru the bad times bcuz she would b supporting yr ass. the only reason tony thinks he is a PRO is bcuz he cant face the fact that he is 40 some years old with no job skills and it sounds better to say i play poker 4 a living than work at walmart,MCDS,ETC,ETC.here is an idea, andrea. tell josh u lose yr job and c how he react? does he love u enuff to work and support u till u get another job? so josh should follow tonys pro advice and panhandle,sleep in spas,keep saying to himself reason i lose money is bcuz i dont have more money to lose at poker.then when that fails go to his mommys house.
ReplyDeleteoh ty pokerdogg. that is y i said ireland, tony. she is in europe, dope. tony just stand on the street corner and panhandle 4 some big blind money,ok.
DeleteAndrea, there is an excellent book called "Poker Winners Are Different" by Alan Schoonmaker. He is a psychologist who has written a number of good books on the mental side of poker. I am just going to list the chapters of the book, and you should ask yourself, which one of these chapter titles describe Josh.
ReplyDeletePart One: Introduction
1. Poker Winners Are Really Different
2. Winners Are More Motivated and Disciplined
3. Winners Make Good Trade-Offs
4. Winners Manage Risks and Information Very Well
Part Two: Winners Control Their Focus
5. Winners Focus on Long-Term Results
6. Winners Focus on the Here and Now
7. Winners Focus on Power
8. Winners Focus on Other People
9. Winners Considers Complexities
Part Three: Winners Control Their Thought Processes
10. Winners Are Brutally Realistic
11. Winners Think Logically
12. Winners Prepare Thoroughly
13. Winners Concentrate Intensely
14. Winners Probe Efficiently
15. Winners Use Feedback Loops Well
Part Four: Winners Control the Information They Transmit
16. Winners Are Judiciously Deceptive
17. Winners Create the Right Images
Part Five: Winners Control Their Reaction to Feelings
18. Winners Accept Poker As It Is
19. Winners Depersonalize Conflicts
Part Six: Winners Act Decisively
20. Winners Are Selectively Aggressive
21. Winners Push When They Are Winning
22. Winners Adjust Effectively to Changes
23. Winners Pay Their Dues
24. How to Become a Winner
It seems like a great birthday present to Josh :p hm, I see him in many of those titles really, except for 2, 10, 23 and maybe Part 5.
Deletewhere is the chapter POKER WINNERS THAT SLEEP IN SPAS AND EAT CANNED BEANS.
ReplyDelete
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ReplyDelete