a quick note

Just letting you know things are a bit chaotic in my head and heart right now, but I'm ok. After another terrible x-mas I made a decision, but I will write more when things develop a little, I'm still figuring out how to do what I have to do. Yes, I mean breaking up with Josh.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

the fat lady didn't sing yet

Hello everyone, hope your weekend was nice, mine started off good, but ended up like crap. It had been a while since me and Josh had a big fight, so, naturaly, it had to happen. I'm at home now, couldn't go to work because I cried so much last night that I look like a monster this morning.

 

We started arguing because I told him I was sick of him not paying any attention to me and not investing in our relationship, because for the past month he's either playing Poker or sleeping. This led to an argument about my needs not being met and his needs as well. Or I should say "need",  because he only complains of one thing: sex (or lack of).

 

My attention needs don't make sense to him because I did exactly the same to him while I was working away from our house: I was too tired and unavailable to spend time with him and even kept meeting my friends although we had little or no time together as a couple. He believes I'm never satisfied with anything, I complain if he doesn't play enough and then I complain if he plays too much, I'm never happy and women in general are impossible to please.

 

For his part, I don't accept his sexual complaints because we always have sex at least once a week, and I feel like if I don't initiate it it's because he doesn't make me want to do it. I feel used in this relationship, for being his financial support, and even though he supports me in other levels, I still feel it's not enough. So... initiating sex doesn't come naturaly to me because I feel like I'm already "giving enough" and he has to try harder to get it (like being romantic, a better partner in house tasks, or, most importantly, being self-sufficient financially). Basically I've become turned-off by our problems and by his personality/life style.

 

So... he said he couldn't live with someone who felt like this, "turned off" by him, he was tired of always trying to set things right and never being enough and he was leaving. He packed, again. And I didn't stop him, I was trying to do the "right thing" for me.

 

But after 4 hours (he said he'd leave in the morning) of crying and talking and fighting, I couldn't hold on anymore. I kept saying that I didn't want him to go for a while, but meaning to let him go, I was like "yeah, we love eachother but this is not working, it's best that we part ways" and blabla. But then it was too much for me to handle. I said I didn't want him to leave and really meant it. In the end I didn't have to beg him or anything, he didn't want to leave either. So... yeah, he stayed. And dependency won.

 

It's sad for me to admit this, but it's an eye opener too. This really is like any other addiction. I was all strong and saying to myself "I won't stop him, I wish he'd just leave, I can't live like this anymore" but the truth is I'm not ready yet. It is arguable whether or not I'll ever be ready. But this is what I know: the pain of separation that I felt last night isn't natural. And it is even less natural when we observe the relationship at hand. Getting separate from Josh should be, not easy, because there are memories and feelings involved, but definately not this hard. It's like I'm in the hospital again and my parents are leaving me there again. Or it's like I'm finding out my father just died again. It is a primal, childish, desperate pain, that makes me curl up in a ball in the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out. Not normal. So... treating codependency is the only way. Yes. It is. Last night's experience only made this belief stronger.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

 

one day at a time

Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight.

 

I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.

 

Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.

 

Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

Hope you guys are doing good!

 

xoxo

Andrea

PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)

the sh** has hit the fan

This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.

 

It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.

 

So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.

 

That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually his (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.

 

It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case. 

 

My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.

 

Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?

 

I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

feeling numb

Hello, this is the second scheduled post I mentioned. Wrote this 3 days ago. I must admit that, after reading all your comments, I was ashamed. Ashamed of my naivety, stubbornness, and probably delusional hopes. I was on the verge of deleting all my future posts, but decided against it. I'm keeping this honest and real, it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

I just got home from my vacations and my head feels like a drum. On the last night of our vacations, Josh and I went out to dinner (I paid) and had a conversation about how we could manage things. 

Long story short, I told him I would be ok with helping him one more time, as long as he did something for me. We could act as if he was unemployed - I'd help him out, but he would have to help around the house on a daily basis and clean the whole house once a week so I wouldn't have to pay for a cleaning lady as I've been doing so far (we have a dog in the apartment and I can't deal with a dirty home).

He was ok with it, he said he would clean up every wednesday and would also cook me dinner every day, and in exchange I'd pay for his bank loan and would pay all the bills. (He would continue to pay for his food.) I was quite surprised, I was expecting this cleaning house thing would harm his masculinity, but it turns out it didn't.

Then he put something else on the table: he asked me if I would also pay for like 2 dinners out between him and friends (I could also go along, of course) every month (40 dollars total), if he would prepare a special diet and exercise plan for me and if he'd cook all my meals, including those I would then take to work. As I mentioned earlier he's like a gym enthusiast and has a special diet for himself, and I wouldn't mind trying it as well. He then raised the bar for 4 dinners (80 dollars a month). So... 80 dollars plus his 125 loan plus 100 dollar bills every month. I thought, since I earn around 1200 a month it'd be ok.

But.. today I came home and talked to my parents about it, and they say this is terrible. They claim it's terrible that Josh isn't capable of looking for a job, even if that means he'll lose me (when we have bad fights about money he refuses to get a job and invites me to find some other guy who will do that for me). It's terrible that he has to ask for money in return of simple favors that should come naturally from his life choices - for instance, since he's at home all day, my parents think it would be perfectly natural for him to clean the house once a week, and even cook me dinner if necessary, free of charge. It's terrible that he's keeping me from having a normal family. And finally, they say it's terible that I don't do anything about it, just continue to help him and accept everything.

I'm drained. All these words sunk into me and now I feel terrible. I don't know what I want anymore. I mean, I want to be happy. With Josh. I want to help Josh, but I don't want to be a sucker in this relationship! I earn twice what he makes. Is my decision to help him out, by paying some bills, while he does things for me in return, an immature decision? Or is it just not the perfect relationship, that my parents wish I had, but it's still acceptable?

I've always been very confused and insecure about my personal decisions and I've always counted on my parents' guidance, so knowing that they're not behind me on this scares me shitless. A pitiful little girl, you may think, but... I'm just being totally honest here.

xoxo

Andrea

shocking truth

Hello my fellow Poker Wives... I'm pretty shaken up today, let me tell you why.

Me and Josh have been struggling with our new lifestyle, where supposedly he has to pay for his share of things, and I pay for mine. It has been a struggle because.. he has barely any money and because I wasn't entirely aware of how little he has.

So.. it's been very difficult for me, for instance, to go with him to the market and see his tension and how he worries about what he can or cannot buy, when he had never acted like the before, while I was paying for everything. It's amazing how he just didn't care...

It also sucks not to be able to do half the things we did before, when I was paying. Now we don't eat out, we don't go to the movies (unless I pay) and we don't go out, because he has no money. It's incredible how much the lack of a "margin" (my bank account) can change our lives. Suddently he has no money at all for anything that isn't his food or gym.

He explains this situation by accusing me of "leading him" to having spent more money than he should for years, which resulted in him not having any savings and now being unprepared to live without my financial help. According to him, my lifestyle was "contagious" in a sense that, as I didn't care how much I spent, he didn't care how much he spent, even though he had (I came to find out) pennies to live by. This doesn't make any sense to me, since, as I explained earlier, when we had dinner together he would eat 15 dollar ribs while I got the 5 dollar burger (this is just an example). So... I think he's just refusing to take responsibility for his choices. I mean, if I have enough money to eat out, I don't have to worry about my expenses... but if he doesn't have money, he should worry about his!!! It seems pretty easy to understand, but he thinks different.

Anyway... yesterday I had the most shocking conversation with him. I found out that he earns like 200 dollars a month, playing poker. OMG. Like three thousand a year, which is what I make in a only couple of months! And he still thinks it's awesome!!! How can this be? I mean, I'm speachless. Keep in mind that he has a monthly payment of 120 dollars (the bank loan he got years ago), which means that he has about 100 dollars to live with every month. If I wasn't in his life he would starve!

I don't know how he will deal with this reality in the future, but I must stay strong and continue not to pay for anything as much as possible, so he can understand things. I mean, he is completely delusional... he thinks that, since he invested 5K and has earned around 3K in one year (200 dollars a month), he is a successful investor. Really, Josh, really?! Yeah, it's awesome to earn almost 3K in a year investing only 5K, but that's not as great if it's the only money you have to live your life!

Will he ever wake up? 

What do you think? Any advise on how I should handle this? Comment or email me at wivesofpoker@gmail.com.

chapter X - tired of BS

This past year went on "fine". I would pay for everything, he would pay me back from time to time. Josh reached August owing me 700 dollars - money he couldn't pay me on time and accumulated for the next month. 

This situation started to grow on me by April or so - I felt exploited. His promised 800 dollars a month never came, he would have 400 hundred at the most, while still living "large" and going out and having dinner.. all on me. I say living "large" because Josh isn't a guy with expensive tastes. He doesn't go on buying clothes or drinking his money away. The only thing that is obviously above him is his new taste for body building.

Yeah, after the whole soccer thing went to hell (because of the "female friend" and also because one of the guys from the group slept with another one's girl - a really nice croud as you can see), he started pumping iron at the gym. His body looks great, that's for sure, and maybe that's why I still love him after all of this, because all my exs were fat and ugly as shit. But he spends lots of money on supplements like whey protein and whatnot... fortunatelly no steroids - he has considered it, but it's just too dangerous.. and too expensive. 

Supplements and food - those are his too main expenses. He doesn't spend money at the gym because he works out at his grandmother's garage (he built a small gym there). He does like 5 meals a day, all meat, and of course that becomes more than he can spend.

Anyway, after numerous fights because the money wasn't coming in steadily, we decided it was time to change things. I decided I wouldn't pay for anything from that moment on - he would have to pay for everything he needed, without my help. Food, gas, bills, all split in half. He didn't take it well, of course. I don't know what goes on in his mind to even think he has the right to disagree, but he did. 

But I kept my ground, I had to... or else we would live this lie forever. He would never realise how little he really earns at the tables and how miserable his life is... now it's all hitting him, hard. And it's been a tough ride, so tough that I consider breaking up just not to be forced to witness his despair: knowing he won't go anywhere playing poker, but not being able to accept it and make a real change in his life. He's like.. paralyzed. And it's a horrible thing to see, night after night screaming at his computer when he looses a hand, hours at the (virtual) tables to make a miserable 40 bucks, if he's lucky... I will tell you all about how it is to live like this in my next posts.

Now you know my story and I'm hoping you can open up and share yours with me.

Do it on the comments section or email me at wivesofpoker@gmail.com.

Keep sane 

xoxo

Andrea

chapter IX - going under

Debt. If you live with a Poker Player you're very familiar with the term. So far, during the 6 years of our relationship, I've lended him money on several occasions and got in debt with him in one. Somehow I always trusted it would be different, that he would end up reaching his goals and paying me as he promised. But he's been using me as if I were a bank account, a no limit credit card. Let's see...

I paid for his new computer with my credit card (he didn't have one at the time) and agreed he would pay me monthy the ammount I was paying the bank (in about 10 times). He stopped paying me after 3 or 4 months. I paid for his first suit, so he could go work at the bank - his grandmother paid me back later on. I lended him a thousand dollars and had him sign a piece of paper promising he would pay me back within a few months, I believe we agreed on 6 months - he never kept his word. And on a day to day basis, as I told you before, I paid for everything in half, even if that meant I was paying more than my fair share - for instance, imagine we went out to dinner, I'd eat a 5 dollar burger and he'd eat a 15 dollar plate of ribs...  I'd pay 10 dollars, instead of only 5.

So it would be imaginable that, by the time he came back to me and started "dreaming" again, exactly one year ago, I would have some sense in my mind... but no. Last summer he started talking about a new poker strategy he could pursue in PokerStars that would grant him 5 or 6 thousad dollars guaranteed by the end of 2013: rakeback.

As he explained it to me, PokerStars has rakeback levels, which means that the more often you play, the higher your level goes and after reaching a certain level (SuperNova he said) you would get tons of money regardless of what you won or lost at the tables - you'd get it just from playing there. His goal was to achieve the SuperNova level next year (2013) and by December make an extra 6 thousand dollars or something. All this, while still being able to withdraw like 800 dollars every month to pay for his expenses. All he needed was 5 thousand dollars to play as often as he possibly could.

My initial reaction was saying no, showing him how he never honoured his word and that was why he was so alone in the world. He said (of course) this time was different, it was guaranteed, and if he didn't make it with 5 thousand dollars he was never gonna make it. I had about 15 thousand dollars left from my inheritance and I figured this would be my last effort to help him out. He said this was his chance to really get the money flowing and for us to finally have a normal life and think about building a family. He also said that he could pay me back when he got his inheritance (when his grandmother dies... geez). 

So I agreed, but this time I took it a bit further and asked a lawyer to put it all on paper. I now have a signed legal contract saying he has to pay me back my money by the end of 2013, or when he receives his inheritance. Not only the 5 thousand he asked me, but all of it, which is about 8 thousand dollars. If he doesn't, I can sue him.

Now that I think about it, it's making me feel sick. Even owing me 3 thousand dollars from before (which include all the money I lended him in 4 years), and still owing like 4 or 5 thousand to the bank, he was still able to believe his ridiculous fantasy enough to take another giant loan from me. And I was still able to believe this time would be different. 

Now I know it's never going be be different. He will never win big time at the tables and he will never keep his word regarding business or money. I will not lend him another dime in my life, so help me God.

chapter V - another day, another... fight

After being together for almost 3 years, I got my own place and Josh started talking about moving in together. Moving to his house wasn't an option for me for several reasons. First of all I had a brand new home, fully equipped and beautifully decorated (my father owns an antique store and got me a bunch of 70's furniture, lamps, paintings and objects). 

Second of all, Josh's house was a mess - his constant rampages caused him to break things around the house whenever he lost, and he also wasn't exactly a tidy person. I'm talking about kicked in doors, several desks broken in half, and tons of dishes laying around in the sink every week waiting for the cleaning lady (payed by his grandmother) to arrive. 

And finally, because his house always creeped me out. His parents died under tragic circumstances and I never felt comfortable around the house. I'm not saying it's haunted, but... I'm not saying it isn't. I don't know, I guess I'm a little paranoid, but the idea of living there just didn't feel right.

So he ended up moving in with me, although I wasn't totally ok with it, I was enjoying living alone (I did so for about 6 months) and didn't feel ready to have him "invading" my space. Actually we had a big fight the week he moved in and I was thinking about calling the whole thing off, but, as always, I gave in. My love for him, or obsession or whatever you wanna call it, always spoke louder. 

He moved in late November and by June he was out - I basically kicked him out, and I will tell that story in my next post. But during those months our lives just got worse and worse, thanks to the lack of money, my feelings that he wasn't trying hard enough, that he was using me and he didn't really love me. Our finances were organized in a simple way: I payed for everything, he would pay me back when he could, depending on how well he did on the tables.

This, along with the fact that he didn't help around the house and didn't treat me right, became unacceptable for me and it all went down in flames when I found out he had been cheating... again.