Friday, 27 December 2013

a quick note

Just letting you know things are a bit chaotic in my head and heart right now, but I'm ok. After another terrible x-mas I made a decision, but I will write more when things develop a little, I'm still figuring out how to do what I have to do. Yes, I mean breaking up with Josh.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

looking back

Just came back from a painful conversation with my parents and though of updating this. My step-dad told me lots of things about Josh and how he's getting himself into a trap with Poker and failing to invest in a real future... and he analyzed Josh's reasons to do so, on a "psychological level".
I agreed with everything and I asked him to do that very same analysis with me: why, knowing all that I know and have experienced with Josh, am I still with him? He told me he thought my problem is that I'm unable to deal with loss. That's why I always find ways to stay in the relationship, to adjust and adapt to Josh, even if I see no future with him and am unhappy with him. It's always better to be with him than without, because I simply cannot handle loss. That was his opinion and he told me I should treat it in therapy (although he doesn't believe in therapists).
He also thinks that this problem either comes from the loss of my father or from the fact I was kept in a hospital for over a year when I was just two years old, without seeing my parents regularly.
During this conversation, my mother was particularly pissed with the fact that I can't bring myself to end it with Josh, or to force him to change, and she said I must be pretty incompetent, because she always found ways to get my father (and step-dad) to do what she wanted. This made me sad. Then I lashed back at her saying that she might have changed my real dad, but they were still completely miserable together. She agreed but she said she only continued the marriage because I was born and my real dad threatned her that if she left him, I would never set my eyes on him again. What a douchebag. My real dad was a horrible, horrible dad and a worse husband, I wish my step dad was my real dad and I wish I didn't spend a minute of my childhood with that asshole.
So... yeah, it seems I'm getting somewhere. Loss issues. Facing the fact that "daddy didn't love me" and he used me to force my mom not to leave (he had already been abandoned by his ex, who cheated on him and left him). Bah, fucking pathetic. But at least I know where to turn now.

Friday, 13 December 2013

working on acceptance

Hi everyone, things have been quite good this week, as they usually are after a big fight. Josh is still playing and going deep on tables, but no major final tables so far, he's finishing up in the final 100, final 40, it depends. But December is still halfway ahead of us and I'm hopeful.
Our last fight had at least one positive outcome: I've decided to stop obsessing about my problem. I was looking at this relationship from a million different angles, like I was testing a bug or trying to solve a Rubik's cube, and there's really no point in that. It is what it is. For now Josh is still more important in my life that out of it and I have to stop fighting that, it's exausting and meaningless.
So I'm focusing more on myself (also therapy-wise), on listening to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day and even trying remembering stuff in my childhood that I totally blocked out. No success there so far.
The day after our fight I went to my parents' house (I didn't tell them what happened) and my mom was talking to me for an hour, complaining about my step-dad. I love my step dad and I think their relationship is great, they do stuff together, he's sweet to her, he buys her gifts, he helps around the house... but my mom sees it differently. She was complaining that she can't tell him anything or he'll start with the "I'm always the one to blame" speech and that he doesn't help her enough around the house (I think he does), or that she feels unloved because he doesn't make her feel special.
Her complaints, making absolutely no sense to me (but I didn't tell her this, I listened and supported her, obviously), are 100% real and painful to her. This made me wonder about how much of my complaints could be perceived differently by another person. And ultimately, if I should work a little on acceptance as well - since I want to stay with Josh, for now, that is. I mean, it makes sense to try and not get mad about everything all the time (he didn't pick up after himself, he isn't paying me enough attention, he didn't shave and is always with his beanie on and looks like a bum, he doesn't pay his bills, etc etc). 
I think I need this now. Trying to relax and focus on myself, not getting upset over little things and over things I cannot change for now (leaving Josh). Acceptance of myself and of him. For now. Yep.
Hope you guys are ok, I wish you all the best.

Monday, 9 December 2013

the fat lady didn't sing yet

Hello everyone, hope your weekend was nice, mine started off good, but ended up like crap. It had been a while since me and Josh had a big fight, so, naturaly, it had to happen. I'm at home now, couldn't go to work because I cried so much last night that I look like a monster this morning.
We started arguing because I told him I was sick of him not paying any attention to me and not investing in our relationship, because for the past month he's either playing Poker or sleeping. This led to an argument about my needs not being met and his needs as well. Or I should say "need",  because he only complains of one thing: sex (or lack of).
My attention needs don't make sense to him because I did exactly the same to him while I was working away from our house: I was too tired and unavailable to spend time with him and even kept meeting my friends although we had little or no time together as a couple. He believes I'm never satisfied with anything, I complain if he doesn't play enough and then I complain if he plays too much, I'm never happy and women in general are impossible to please.
For his part, I don't accept his sexual complaints because we always have sex at least once a week, and I feel like if I don't initiate it it's because he doesn't make me want to do it. I feel used in this relationship, for being his financial support, and even though he supports me in other levels, I still feel it's not enough. So... initiating sex doesn't come naturaly to me because I feel like I'm already "giving enough" and he has to try harder to get it (like being romantic, a better partner in house tasks, or, most importantly, being self-sufficient financially). Basically I've become turned-off by our problems and by his personality/life style.
So... he said he couldn't live with someone who felt like this, "turned off" by him, he was tired of always trying to set things right and never being enough and he was leaving. He packed, again. And I didn't stop him, I was trying to do the "right thing" for me.
But after 4 hours (he said he'd leave in the morning) of crying and talking and fighting, I couldn't hold on anymore. I kept saying that I didn't want him to go for a while, but meaning to let him go, I was like "yeah, we love eachother but this is not working, it's best that we part ways" and blabla. But then it was too much for me to handle. I said I didn't want him to leave and really meant it. In the end I didn't have to beg him or anything, he didn't want to leave either. So... yeah, he stayed. And dependency won.
It's sad for me to admit this, but it's an eye opener too. This really is like any other addiction. I was all strong and saying to myself "I won't stop him, I wish he'd just leave, I can't live like this anymore" but the truth is I'm not ready yet. It is arguable whether or not I'll ever be ready. But this is what I know: the pain of separation that I felt last night isn't natural. And it is even less natural when we observe the relationship at hand. Getting separate from Josh should be, not easy, because there are memories and feelings involved, but definately not this hard. It's like I'm in the hospital again and my parents are leaving me there again. Or it's like I'm finding out my father just died again. It is a primal, childish, desperate pain, that makes me curl up in a ball in the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out. Not normal. So... treating codependency is the only way. Yes. It is. Last night's experience only made this belief stronger.
Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

the power of vulnerability

I'll leave you with this today, you might have seen it or not, but it basically sums up a lot of what I'm struggling with my whole life. It's not about Josh, our relationship, his "job", his choices... it's about me and what needs fixing inside me. It's about what I have to admit to myself about my past and stop trying to control in my present life.

So.. yeah, just watch this video. Does it make sense to you?