Saturday 21 September 2013

the little voice inside us all

Well, I had a very interesting session today at therapy and thought about sharing some of my conclusions with you. Kind of weird, because therapy is supposed to be private, but since I'm using this blog to get my ideas straight, I guess it will help me (and, who knows, maybe other people too).

I've been feeling like a rag doll lately, being pulled in one direction and another every time I hear (or read) a comment about my situation. Only one of you noticed (or at least commented on it) that I seemed happy with my new arrangement with Josh, until I listened to my parents' opinion and became miserable again. After going over this on therapy, I realized (well, admitted) that I was having difficulty listening to my own voice among all this external noise. I'm not saying your comments (or my parents' opinion) are mere noise, but everything must be put in its rightful place and, in this and many other cases, our personal voice must be the one to speak loudest.

I still want you to know I value your opinion. Let me give you an example: once me and Josh got back together, my cousin freaked out on me. She called me stupid and said I'd spend the rest of my life hitting my head against a wall and never learn anything. It was very hurtful, but I understand why she said it. She only wanted the best for me, as I believe you do, for me as for any other human being. So even if I sound hurt when answering your comments (and I probably am), I know where you're coming from and I respect that. I hope you can keep respecting me and my choices.

What do I really want? As I've written before, I want to be happy with Josh. This may sound ludicrous to the majority of you, but remember: you are reading my partial story, miles and miles away from me, from a completely rational standpoint. I also have that rationality in me. It's the little voice that tells me "watch out, you're gonna get burned in the end!". But, I do have an emotional side, as I'm sure you all do. The question is how much credit do you give that voice and how often do you listen to it, if ever.

According to my therapist, many of us who are most miserable in life, and become addicted to drugs, alcohol or anti-depressants (she works with recovering addicts on a daily basis, just in case you're regarding this as psychological mumbo-jumbo) are those who disregarded their emotions too often -  in other words, the ones who don't follow their hearts, for several reasons, such as fear of failure, fear of suffering or simply peer pressure. 

I believe it takes strength to listen to your heart and be brave enough to go against the world for what you believe in. This blog is called Wives of Poker (Poker Wives was already taken :P), not "Ex Wives of Poker" or "How I booted my leech-boyfriend". I named it like this for a reason: I want to be as happy as I possibly can with my poker playing husband (well, he's my boyfriend, but I'm devoted to him as if we were married, as you might have noticed). I was looking for women in the same position that could help, because I'm willing to make some adjustments in my life to make it work. To a certain degree of course!

In the past, I was very unhappy with Josh. To be totally honest with you, I was. Not because of Poker though - but simply because I didn't feel loved (maybe I'll tell you that story in another post). Two years ago, I started being  happy with Josh, when he came back and started treating me well. I experienced the most memorable moment of my life with Josh: the moment he came back to me, when I was missing him so terribly that I fell into depression and went from 132 to 116 pounds in one month.

Now, things have gotten better and better and I am happy.. not completely, or this blog wouldn't exist, but I started writing when we were going through some tough times... I should start a new one called "Happy Moments with Poker Playing Husbands". Anyway, I have faith in Josh. How can this be?? Because I'm stupid?? No. It's because I'm in love. Not blindly in love, sickly in love, going over my own feelings in love, disrespecting my desires in love. Just in love, and still hopeful.

You say that if I leave Josh I will go through the grieving process in no time and be as good as new soon. I know, in my heart, that today that isn't true. It might be, in a few months, if my heart tells me I've had enough. Or not. You can come at me with your Nostradamus comments and tell my I'm damned to hell if I continue following this path. But my heart disagrees, today. Tomorrow... well, that's another day.

As long as I feel OK with a situation, even if its socially unusual or even unacceptable to some people, such as me providing for my husband instead of the other way around, I'll keep following this path. The day my heart feels disrespected, I'll change directions, I know I will (and my therapist is there to make sure I'm not in denial if that starts happening and I ignore it). 

Finally, I have a question for you, that I ask you to consider carefully. I know that in America there are many "stay-at-home-moms", a concept we don't have much around here. How would you feel if your stay-at-home-wife would play Poker and asked you for money to play (as long as it didn't jeopardize your finances), if she was doing 400 dollars a month on it? 

This might make you reconsider my position, or not. It doesn't matter. What's important is that I respect my own feelings and, for now, Josh is more valuable in my life than out of it. 

Thank you for reading this long post.

Much love and luck at the tables. And for all of you Poker Wives out there, I'm still waiting for your visit.

xoxo
Andrea

25 comments:

  1. someday, when i have money, i want a wife/girlfriend who plays poker, if she didnt play, im afraid she wouldnt understand me at all. But at least u make the effort and understand this guy somewhat. and id have no problem giving her money to play as long as she stayed at home living with me and told me she loved me. i even did that for women who didnt live with me or have any relationship but daily talks online and that did make me feel used. its funny how the world reacts so much different if its the man whose in need of monetary help instead of the woman. and with that i must sleep, i should update my own blog, but im way too tired. great job with such frequent updates. too bad i cant talk Josie into reading ur blog.

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    1. Yes, that is funny... or sad, I belive actually sad is the word.

      And who is Josie?

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    2. josie is a chick that use to have a blog. she plays poker too.her blog is still on TBC page if u want to read old ones.this is what i am talking about josie,lightning,P3,etc,etc .they keep poker in prospective. poker a game to play win or lose a little,have some drinks,tell some stories,etc,etc.

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  2. bcuz like u said. she is a stay at home mom. mom is a job. i am assuming a stay at home mom takes care of the kids,house,etc,etc. is josh taking care of yr kids. nope.u basically had to sit down and ask yr boyfriend to do these things.also, if this stay at home mom is playing poker. so what. she probabilty playing it as a hobby like some ppl like to fish,sew,surf,etc,etc.so long as that hobby doesnt interfere with paying bills,putting a strain on the families finances or relationship. who gives a fuck. it is a hobby or game.but some ppl cant handle poker,sports betting,blackjack,roulette,etc,etc.thinking they can make a living. WRONG.basically if u love josh and want to pay 4 his addiction. sweet.life with go on 4 the rest of us.just dont con yrself saying that he is a PRO.it is demeaning to the ppl that love the game of poker and to the few that do play 4 a living.it is too bad poker grump is retired from live play and in north carolina. if u want to read some of his old posts, if will show u how a real PRO poker player deals with ups and downs of the life. tc. have a great weekend. in greece? i think

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    1. I said stay at home WIFE, not stay at home mom. And you might have also missed the "" on PRO on my blog's title. May I ask where you are from?

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    2. born in california lived most of my life in florida. have also lived in ohio,texas,california,and now in colorado.wife doesnt change the situation as long as not putting a strain on the relationship. ppl spend money on stupid shit like poker ,shopping,cars they cant afford,etc,etc.

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    3. i didnt miss the PRO part bcuz u still say he is making a living playing poker. pro being short 4 profession.like yr profession is copywriter .i think u said.u r a pro copywriter bcuz it is yr profession.not trying to talk down to u or demean u.i know yr grammar is better than mine. i hated term papers in school. lol.

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    4. Ok I just said that because you were saying that me calling him a PRO was demeaning to the rest of you. I wrote "professional" and not just professional because he's not REALLY a professional (in my opinion). He's trying to. So... yeah, that's why I didn't see any reason for anyone to be demeaned by what I said :)

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    5. no worries,andrea. it is every1 with a pc,credit card,and a internet connection is a pro,grinder,rounder,etc,etc.it is like in los angeles every1 is a wannabee model,actor,writer,etc. even if they r working at red lobster or the mall.eventually that person has to face reality.

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  3. Andrea in all honesty you do not want advice. All you are doing is venting out your frustrations. Yes i agree to follow your heart or gut but at some point you have to make a decision and stop following.

    Andrea what you fail to realize is Josh is there because you are his poker bankroll. Ask yourself if Josh were to ever score a big payout lets say $10k plus, would Josh get up and leave you hanging or will Josh do the rite thing and repay his staker?

    Josh is living the poker dream free housing, free sex life is good for Josh. In all honesty i hope things work out for both of you.

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    1. if not there is always TBC. u r the perfect girl 4 TBC.

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    2. I do want advice. From women who are in love with men who play Poker for a living.

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    3. it should from women who r in love with men who r obsessed with poker bcuz he isnt making a living playing the game.sorry.

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    4. i want josh life. lol. have any sisters? joking

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  4. angerisagift fails to realize Grump couldnt make a go at it from poker, he wasnt winning, and thats why he moved to NC and gave poker up. Grumps income came from his side consulting job. not poker.

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    1. I find that hard to believe. I have read Grumps blog from time to time, and he has always shown a level of poker skills and temperament that should make him successful at poker. He moved to NC so that he could be with his long time girlfriend, and having other skills that he can use as a consultant made it possible.

      I have not personally met either you or Grump, but I would stake a good amount of money that he had been far more successful at poker than you.

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    2. lmao.and u can make a go at it from poker, tony? sure,begging 4 pants and such. cant even afford reading glasses.or support yr kid.is that how the PROS do it. or just degen gambler. i know . i know. he is a adult, now. so r u. it doesnt stop u from going to live with yr moms,when u lose yr money.

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  5. i agree with pokerdogg.grump is was will b a better poker player and more important better person than u will ever b, tony.plus grump has a CAREER, gf, car,etc,etc. u have what,tony.unpaid bills,unpaid court fines in ohio,suitcase with 8 pants and dirty laundry.yeah, u r right, tony. poker has treated u good. LMAO

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  6. "Only one of you noticed (or at least commented on it) that I seemed happy with my new arrangement with Josh, until I listened to my parents' opinion and became miserable again"

    Thanks, Andrea. I'm glad to see my master's degree in counseling hasn't gone to waste ;-)

    I haven't seen any poker wives posting on your thread, so you might take a look at the following links. They're all focused on the personal experience of being married to a "poker pro", except for the 2+2 thread. Be warned, 2+2 has a high ratio of juvenile postings, but it will give you the perspective of how "poker pros" tend to view their wives/girlfriends:

    http://livesofpokerwives.blogspot.com/

    http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/26/psychology/professional-poker-handling-girlfriend-wife-others-family-300672/

    http://blogs.pokernews.com/pokerwivesclub/

    http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977413002

    best of luck.

    s.i.

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    1. Thank you so much. I feel you've been doing my homework for me! Finally some stories that I can relate to. I'm going to devour these blogs :)

      I suspected you had to be a therapist/counseler or something, from your comment... it was just too reasonable, compared to all I've been reading.

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  7. Tony quit talking out your ass. Grump lived perfectly fine on his poker earnings in Vegas until he decided, as an adult will do, that he would be happier being with the woman he loved than playing poker in Vegas. Since he had life skills that provided him an opportunity to make a living outside of poker, he chose to be with his love. For a marginal player like you to disparage him and his abilities is just asinine.

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    1. true.watch how soon he burns thru this money,then back to begging 4 some1 to buy him a bus tix to kansas,some canned beans,etc,etc.

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