Wednesday, 30 October 2013

the bargain

Alright, so yesterday Josh made me a counter-offer to see if we could continue our relationship in a way that would satisfy us both: for him this means not working, for me not feeling used. These were the terms of the deal.
On my part, everything would continue as we decided in September:
- I would pay the house expenses on my own (water, electricity and gas - we don't pay for cable TV, phones or Internet because I work for the company) - about 100 euros total (meaning I'd be giving him 50 euros)
- I would pay his bank loan monthly (125 euros)
- I would give him 20 euros a week (80 euros)
This is a total of about 250 euros worth of help.
He would:
- Do everything in the house for me, including: cooking, cleaning, laundry and walking the dog for me every single day - this sounded immediately good because I hate walking the dog on weekdays (we currently take turns walking the dog and I usually don't feel like doing it);
- The 20 euros a week could only be used to do things together as a couple, or for him to go out with his friends in case I want to stay home, but never for things that are exclusively his, like supplements; - this is also better, because the previous deal implied that if I wanted to do something with Josh, I'd have to pay even more, since he used those 20/week to do stuff for himself. So I was paying him 80 a month + any other cash spent in "couples stuff".
- He would continue to pay for his own food;
- I would only pay for the stuff above mentioned until he was able to recover some of his bankroll and, as it grew (supposedly), I would gradually pay less and less, until we would finally distribute our expenses equally.
He made a convincing point on how this was a way for us to be together and how he's not with me just because of what I can offer him, but also because he loves me, or else he wouldn't put up with my mood swings or indecisions or pressures or even try to change things to accomodate me.
So... basically now I'm thinking and looking inside to see if this would be ok with me or if the alternative (giving up and get separated) would be better. The main question is.. are these things worth my 250 euros? Do they balance themselves out? Is he working enough for me to feel good, to be worthy of my help?
It's tempting, because the deal seems now a little more balanced my way. But it's still a "deal", an "arrangement", a "sacrifice" of my finances... of course he'd also sacrifice by doing all that stuff... so the thing is trying to realize if I'd have good quality of life with this arrangement, or if I'd be going against my wants and needs again, by accepting it.
Must think about it... I am inclined to accept, because I don't want the relationship to end, but I'm not sure if that is reason enough, or if I'm just being co-dependent again. :(

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

first step

Ok, so yesterday I was reading a lot about codependecy and learned a few important things, very life-changing stuff. There were two major lessons for me:
A codependent relationship automatically ends when you develop a healthy, working relationship with your anger (in other words, yourself) and use that relationship as a springboard for creating and maintaining sound personal boundaries that protect you.
When you listen to your anger, form a bond with it, and work with it constructively — you naturally pay more attention to your boundaries or lack of them. And you set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
And guess what? That kind of behavior is the complete opposite of codependency.
Read the whole thing HERE. (I just realized that angerisagift gained a whole new meaning for me hahaha)
So... I decided to set the boundary that is really missing in my relationship with Josh: to stop giving him or lending him money, since that is what makes me feel used and overall bad.
Along with it, I decided not to repress my anger anymore, which is something I constantly do with Josh. I feel violated, I push the feeling away; I feel used, I push it away; I feel deceived, I ignore it; I feel manipulated, I silence it. No. I have to stop doing this, I have to set and respect my own boundaries, I have to allow myself to get angry at what he does to me.
Baby steps. Yesterday I went home and explained to Josh that, since I have very little money available this month (actually I just got paid on the 20th and my balance is already below zero), I couldn't give him the 100 dollars we had agreed on (so he could go out with his friends or so). I told him he didn't have to clean the house, because I couldn't pay him. He didn't take it well.
He started accusing me of joining the gym and getting another tattoo done (I'm getting it on the 16th of November, so I need to save up some of my already out of balance account) and messing with our agreement. I told him I was sorry but I just wasn't feeling ok with our arrangement at all and had to put my needs first, even if they were just going to the gym or getting a tattoo. (Because I can afford those things, if I don't have a leach attached to my bank account.)

He then told me that he wouldn't clean or do any cooking for me (even though I am still paying for his bank loan and all the bills - I just cut him off on the extra 100 dollars). And he said that this way he wouldn't have any money to take me out or do fun stuff and I'd get bored. And that I was ruining everything. And that I ruined his dreams because I forced him to withdraw money from PokerStars more than he should have (to pay me what he owed me thoughout the year).
I kept my ground, apologized for the inconvenience, but kept my ground and told him he should also prepare for the day when I'd stop giving him/lending him money altogether, because that day is near. He was very upset and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, not this morning, when I got up and he went to bed.
I feel sad, but this is necessary. If he loves me he'll find a way for us to be together without making me feel used, right? I hope I wasn't too harsh on him.

Monday, 28 October 2013

ramblings from a crazy person

That would be me.
I've been talking to some friends about our situation and am getting more and more convinced that there's no other way to go but to leave Josh. Everyone agrees, even his closest friends. They actually offered their house for me to stay (to me, not Josh, which is funny but also sad) for some time if I decide to leave and have to give him a month or so to move out of my house. Maybe he doesn't need that much time, but I don't want to make things harder than they already are.
Things at home are a little bit better, but only because I chose not to think about anything. Yesterday I was able to tell him that maybe we'd have to get separated, which doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, but that things just aren't working for me. He was... very agreeable. Maybe he was just being nice to keep things from falling apart, I don't know.
Last week my therapist told me that she didn't think I was ready to make the decision of breaking up yet and I should take it easy, or it could be more than I can handle and lead me straight back to him. So.. yeah.
Meanwhile I went to see a psychic (this is ridiculous) to see if I could get some clarity and the result was.. good, I guess. This lady had already talked to spirits for Josh and had told him several things that seemed true, like he was the destructive force in our relationship and had to change and so on. She also told him that we had already been together in another life and were trying to set things right on this one. This actually affected me a little bit (I believe such things), but after talking to her last weekend, I felt I have nothing to worry about. I was worrying that I had to pay my dues to Josh for something I'd done in another life, and that I might have to live with him and help him all my life to set things right or something.
But after talking to her, I didn't feel she was for real. She had no real message for me other than the obvious things that anyone who knows Josh and doesn't want us to break up (she's a friend of Josh's grandmother) could tell me. She told me I should look into myself and respect myself and that if I wanted to keep Josh I had to treat him like a child (she even mentioned an allowance), that I had to teach him to behave and not let him manipulate me. She told me she wasn't seeing any breakup soon and that he would eventually quit playing poker, but not now. I didn't believe much of it, although I will do what she told me regarding respecting myself and all that.
I bought another book online about Codependency that might help me. Supposedly if I found the inner strenght to stop Josh from manipulating/hurting me, I wouldn't even have to leave him, because the relationship could turn into a healthy one. If I changed, he'd be forced to change as well, or we'd part naturally. In theory.
And that's all for now... do you believe in psychics? Have you used those services to get peace of mind or even to help you in the game? :) I usually watch Long Island Medium and that show just blows my mind! Is she for real?
Hope all is well with you guys.

Friday, 25 October 2013

a little chat

Well, I have to write this down so I won't forget.
I used one of Pokerdogg's comments to confront Josh with the real possibility of him finding a part-time job and still play poker. This is what happened.

Me: "You can plug in the games you play and see how many points you get. To achieve supernova status, you need to get 100,000 VPP in a year. I played with the numbers a bit, looks like if I stay disciplined, and play single table turbo SNGs, 10 tables at a time, I'll be able to play 100 matches per day. That gives me 611 VPP per day. I only need to play 164 days out of the year, or about 15 days/month." I found this at a poker forum, is this possible?

Josh: Yes

Me (I made this up to see what he'd say): He has a part-time job and also plays. What do you make of it? He doesn't have to withdraw from his bankroll.

Josh: Andrea... where does he have a part time? and does he make 200 euros a month? (it's what a part time pays here)

Me: I have no idea, he's not from around here.

Josh: right... LOL.. no wonder

Me: but wouldn't it be a solution for you?

Josh: If he lived in our country he'd play twice as much and win the 11K
Me: And live off what?

Josh: because working part time and make 200 euros would be ridiculous

Me: and live off what meanwhile? Since you say he shouldn't touch his bankroll...

Josh: Off his ass, I don't know.

Me: O.o  Why does this look like a bad solution for your case? Honestly.

Josh: Because working for 200 euros is just sad. I'd rather move to (his beach house) and become a fisherman.

Me: So... just to confirm, you intend to survive without touching your bankroll and without working, with my support, is that right?

Josh: I don't intend anything. Since you're always changing your mind, you figure it out.

Me: I can't figure out/decide your life... I think it's time you come clean about things.. meaning: to "intend" something, to admit your plans to yourself and me. Whatever they may be, it's important that you decide what to do with your life.

Josh: Right.

And from here on he just evaded the question. But I guess it's pretty clear what he wants. This time I'm not even expecting any innovative comment from you guys, this is just venting, pure and simple, so that I won't forget this conversation.
I'm still at work but it's pretty obvious we'll have an argument about it this weekend.


Wednesday, 23 October 2013

just a small update

Hello everyone, I caught a bad cold and have been in bed, I haven't been able to update or answer your questions. I'm actually fed up with thinking about all this. But I will find the time to go over his stats related questions you asked, specifically Pokerdogg's.
Things around the house have been pretty much the same, lots of tension mixed with peaceful periods. Josh hasn't been playing on account of his bad luck (well, he restarted yesterday). And I haven't had the patience to think about it.
We argue a lot, he still believes that because we're a couple I should "hang in there" while things go wrong, and pay for some extra things so we can keep a lifestyle that makes me happy (like movies, restaurant dinners and stuff), that he can't afford now, but will pay me back later when his luck improves.
I still believe I've given him enough and have actually started looking for a place to move, if it comes to that. I have a couple of friends that can take me in if I decide to break up with Josh. Kicking him out would be too dramatic and I don't want to go through it, I'd rather move out, give him a couple of months to go wherever he chooses to, and then return to my home.
It was my birthday the other day and he (again) made me feel bad. He went to his gym and was late to my birthday dinner with my family... oh and he only gave me my birthday present the next day, even though he had it at the house earlier. Me and my dad think all this is related to his past (he had a terrible childhood), because every year is the same: he always acts like my birthday is something completely unimportant and as if I had to be taught that. That's why he doesn't give me presents "on time" and despises any family events we organize. He has trouble dealing with family stuff, actually. I don't know if I told you his whole story yet... I believe not. Maybe on my next post. 
Meanwhile I found a broadcasting service ( I can use one of these days to show my face and answer some questions if you like to be 100% certain I am who I claim to be.
Hope things get better soon.

Friday, 18 October 2013

calling his bluff (and josh's HM stats)

Edit November 20, 2013: Josh showed me his HM is actually crazy (like, he's been playing for 6 hours and the program only shows 40 minutes), which means I can't be sure of the accuracy of the stats I posted before.

Yesterday I kept my ground and didn't go all "please don't go" on Josh. I told him he has to find an alternative to Poker, or... if he chooses to leave, I won't stop him or be upset. So yeah, I basically was calling his bluff.

We talked a bit about his stats and he even showed me Hold'em Manager. This might help answering some of your questions.. let's see.. he told me he plays games with 45 people max but usually will only go there if he wins enough on smaller games. His usual games involve 9 to 18 people (if I understood correctly) - that's all he plays now.

Regarding his attempt to reach the Super Nova level, he told me it would be impossible to achieve only with 5 thousand dollars (what I gave him last year, when he said it would be a piece of cake) because there could be major losing streaks (he mentioned one of 20K by some pro). His winnings in a year come to 5K, including rakeback, and he plays an average 30 hours a week.

He also told me about something called EV (no idea what it stands for) and how it showed he would be losing much less if he wasn't having suck bad luck for such a long time. This is his actual graph:

The green line are his winnings, the yellow his winnings + rake and the red what he'd be winning if he wasn't so unlucky. That's how he put it. This is a screen he sent me through Facebook, that's why it's very small.

Later I was able to get the following screens from his computer (all stats are from the entire year). You can see the photos in a larger format by CLICKING HERE (it has all the pics of this blog, so you'll find a chicken there also, haha).



Regarding your comments and advice... I know you keep hoping I kick him out, and I totally understand it. But as some of you already know (thank you Pokerdogg), this blog isn't entirely about getting advice (or following it blindly), but getting some personal clarity! Your advice is good, reasonable advice. But I'm not an entirely reasonable person.
Anyway, I am feeling very disconnected from Josh lately and this might result in some permanent change of the way I feel towards him. For now I'm just evaluating the situation... but if he were to leave me today, I wouldn't try to stop him. And this is quite different from how I was feeling a couple of months ago.

I'm now working a bit far from my house (one hour away by train), which leaves me little time for myself and very little patience for Josh's difficulties. So I'm feeling pretty saturated... but I don't know if this is how I'll feel when I get back working at my company's headquarters, near my house, in January and everything settles down. One thing is for sure, I don't feel the same way I did a few months ago.

Just... living one day at a time, always. Thank you for reading.


Wednesday, 16 October 2013

threats and more threats

Hi guys. I'm a bit upset today.
Josh and I were talking just now, he was complaining about his bad luck and told me that if things go on like this he'll have to leave my house. I asked him where to, he said he didn't know, just leave. Actually his exact words were "when my bankroll dries out, I definatelly will not work at a store... and you won't support me, so I'll leave, just go somewhere".
I told him that if that is the case, maybe he should start building an education, take some courses or something, while he still has money, so he can later pursue a "normal" job. He immediately said no. He said that entering the market at 30 years old and earning $1000 was out of the question. So I told him "well, fine, at least you're aware of your situation". And that was that.
He believes that the problem in his life isn't Poker and the fact he doesn't win anything, but me and the "pressures" or "influences" as he puts it, that my presence implies. He believes that if he moves somewhere else he will be able to save a lot more, because I make him spend money. This is ludicrious to me, but what can I say? I mean, I'm paying all the bills from now on (and until now I helped him pay and he paid me back later), I pay my half of the food, I pay him an extra $25 a week for him to do whatever he wants. He speaks as if I was like a little tempting voice inside his head telling him to go eat beef every week or go out drinking every two weeks or spend his money unwisely.
Besides, he blames my father for raising false hopes regarding the antique business. He bough a few things and now claims he was wasting money based on the false idea my dad gave him (that the business would go just fine). Damn... is it me, or is he not taking responsibility for his choices?
I think I have nothing to apologize regarding my lifestyle. I've always tried to save money, since I was a kid. I usually don't indulge in stupid spendings, and even when I do, I pay my credit cards entirely every month, without interest fees. I don't eat at fancy restaurants and I certainly don't force Josh to do so. I think he's just angry for losing so much and is blowing off steam with these threats of leaving me.
Maybe he expects me to say that I will support him no matter what, that I will accept my "blame" for making him spend money he shouldn't have from his bankroll (the bankroll I provided him with) and give him back those 2K (or so), so he can get back on track. But I feel like he's always trying to get back on track. And my patience isn't the same as it was a year ago.
So... yeah, if he decides to leave, if he convinces himself of the preposterous idea that I'm responsible for his life choices and his finantial situation, I'll have to let him go. I just have to.

PS: I will try to post his Hold'em Manager stats as soon as I have a few alone moments in the house, so you can get a better idea of how he's doing at Poker.

Monday, 14 October 2013

long lost lady luck

Hello everyone. So... two weeks without a word, but this is a good sign, I guess it means I don't have much to complain about lately. Things at home have been not picture perfect, but... they've been ok (he's still cooking and cleaning!). My mood is a bit strange though, for these past weeks I've been noticing some changes regarding my feelings for Josh, mostly because I'm disappointed and tired of waiting for the great life he promised me a year ago.
Josh complains this was one of the worst years he's had since he started playing poker. According to his stats, he should be winning like $3500 more than he did, because of the so called "suck outs". I wonder if this is normal... I mean, I know Poker can be a game of patience and losing streaks can last a long time, but.. a whole year? I don't know. I'm not saying I don't believe him, but I just don't know if this is normal. He complains that he's been losing with the best hand over and over on Poker Stars, and when he wins it's only enough to compensate for what he's already lost. So basically he isn't losing, but also not making any money, which makes life complicated for us.
Meanwhile, he started reading "Poker Winners Are Different" and we went through the first chapter together, the one with some sort of quizz to help the reader compare himself to a typical "Winner". I was surprised to see he's thinking straight, he answered the questions honestly and when we compared the results with what a winner would do, he would have done the same on every question, except the first. If I recall it correctly, on the first question they asked how many callers he'd want if he went all in with pocket aces. He answered 1 and the book said that, considering long term results, the best would be always to have as many callers as possible with that hand, so 9 callers. That's chinese to me.
I was thinking about posting his Holdem Manager stats here, without his name, so you could get a better idea of the type of player he is and give me your opinion, but... that means I have to use his computer when he's not home. So for now I'll ask: what was the longest you've been without winning (I mean without covering your losses and winning on top of them)?
And... I'll keep waiting for Lady Luck to find her way back to our house, she must have gotten lost or caught up somewhere.
Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

minor update

Just telling you I'm still here and things are going ok so far. I've just finnished eating my first Josh-cooked-lunch and it was pretty good! He's keeping his side of the bargain so far (yeah I know it's still day one, but I guess it's a good indication that he will at least try).
Hmm there are some doubts about my blog being real or not (one of you said I was a man), so I thought of giving you the best proof I can. This:

Unless you think I'm a transvestite or that this is all some elaborate plot and I borrowed a co-worker's hand (or even severed a female hand, who knows), you'll know I'm a woman. Got my nails done last saturday.
I won't take offence on those who say I'm just seeking attention, because that is true, I would like to be read by women in the same situation as mine, share stories and don't feel as alone with my decisions, as I sometimes do. If you know anyone like this, please send them my way. Meanwhile, as long as I think this is a positive experience that might help me and others, I'll keep writing from time to time.
This whole thing with Josh cooking and cleaning for me might turn out pretty well, I mean, it's cool to have this done for me (even if I pay the bills in return) and all my female colleagues think it's awesome. Even my best friend, who "hates" Josh, thought this was a good idea and was surprised he agreed to  it. So.. yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Thank you for reading.