tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35744303253333115492024-02-19T07:26:42.973+00:00My husband is a "professional" poker player. Now what?My true story as a Poker Wife and how the game has affected our lives, in so many levels.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-6278793430719567372015-10-30T11:10:00.002+00:002015-10-30T11:10:44.746+00:00poker no more!Hello everyone,<br />
<br />
It's been ages since I've been here, but I felt like I shouldn't leave without "ending the story", sort of. The fact is that Josh is no longer playing poker, for... more than a year now. The game was forbidden in our country, so all major sites are down. New laws are being made about it and trading has already become regulated, now belonging exclusively to a national company (with terrible rates), which means people are also abandoning it. Not that Josh used to do trading, but... with poker the future is unknown.<br />
<br />
The last time we spoke about it he was asking me to use my credit card (again) to restash, and I said no. He got angry, I stood my ground, and he never asked me for money to play again. That was a long time ago. <br />
<br />
So, for the time being, he isn't playing. He's been focusing solely on his antique business and I'm glad to say it's going pretty well. He deals mainly on antique lamps and decorative pieces (like italian glass, ceramics and some paintings) and he sells to stores, which later resell them for twice their price. That's how it works here, if you have a store, you can ask for those prices. But having one is a big step for Josh and a risk he's not willing to take in our economy. Oh, he had a partnership with a friend that I talked about on the previous post, but that didn't work out, so he took all of his stuff out of the store and began to sell it on his own, which worked a lot better. <br />
<br />
Our dog Frank is doing fine, we've been fine. I'm still working at the same company and life seems... stable now. No kids though. Josh's temper and my insecurities play a big role here... I think we're not ready (or if we ever will be) and I've just turned 32, so... who knows. Our relationship is still a bit bumpy, but nothing like the nightmare I lived in before. He actually took me to Italy for my birthday as a surprise gift! That was like "whoa", so not like Josh, it seems like he finally learned to appreciate me.<br />
<br />
So... yeah that's it for this little update. This past year has been very good compared to what came before and I'm hoping and praying things keep getting better.<br />
<br />
Hope you guys are doing good. I would like to thank you for the interest and all the positive comments and emails I received, thank you for your patience and for being open-minded enough to understand my dependency and inability to leave when everyone was telling me to do so. I started defending myself more, creating boundaries (and keeping them up), not allowing abusive behavior, not doing anything I though he was capable of doing by himself, and saying no. That was the recipy to make my relationship work.<br />
<br />
Hope this blog can continue to help women who are going through a similar situation, I will check this email from time to time, but if you need some urgent advice, leave me a comment and I'll get a notification on my personal email account (as you know this isn't my real name and I use a different mail for this blog).<br />
<br />
Thank you for being there! I wish you all the best and good luck at the tables :)<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
AndreaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-17332694018844386232014-09-12T11:14:00.001+01:002014-09-12T11:14:22.908+01:00new business<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone, a comment in my previous post was enough reason for me to update the blog. Finally I feel like this wasn't a total waste of time! Someone read it and related. My therapist advised me to stop writing because it was completely useless and most comments were destructive and dumb, hence my silence. But here I am for a quick update!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Josh has mostly stopped playing Poker. He's been focusing on his antique business and things are looking good. Only looking good, not <em>being good</em> actually (yet, I hope) because it's only been a few months. He started his own antique shop with a friend who already sells exclusive clothes (well, exclusive here, brands like Armistice, Rest of the World, Vans, Supra, Akomplice, etc), they created a whole new concept together of exclusive clothes + art pieces and the store looks great. It's a physical store, not online, in a very popular place in our town, with a lot of tourists and people walking around. So.. the prospects are good, but they aren't selling millions just yet.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyway it was definitely a step forward for him, he's now a "normal" citizen, paying taxes and all, he even has his own Visa machine and everything (I'm very impressed hehehe) like a real business man. Jokes aside, it's been good for him and for me, because I've been less stressed and more hopeful.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He went back to playing Poker this week, because the antique business doesn't bring money in every week and we have bills to pay, it's only an alternative source of income for now (which I'm hoping will become his main source of income). So... he went back to Poker Stars but hasn't been having much luck, from what I see, but I haven't been paying much attention to it, I confess. He told me he has a new strategy, but I don't know what it is (and I must say it scares me a bit every time he comes up with a new strategy, it's more like a new way to keep wasting money).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Oh well... that's it for the news, hopefully this blog will become less and less about poker and more about how we turned our life around.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope everything is ok with you guys, see you soon.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-88027916076683547012014-06-14T01:31:00.004+01:002014-06-14T01:31:49.958+01:00from playing too much to not playing at all<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... Josh has received his money and has spent the last few weeks investing part of it in antiques. He completely stopped playing poker and didn't add any money to his Poker Stars account, thank god. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He has also not yet begun to sell any of the antiques he bought (mainly lamps and small art objects). I'm a bit concerned about his lack of urgency, but since it's his life I can only offer some advice while watching him make his own choices. My step dad has also been helping him making the right purchases, so... at least I know he's not buying worthless stuff.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For now money hasn't been a problem, because of what he got from his family. But he'll have to make some on top of it soon. He has about a month before we go on vacations... let's see if he can sell anything by then... or if he restarts his routine at the tables.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
About me.. I got a new job offer and am considering what to do with my life... I don't know what they're planning to pay me and not exactly sure on what the job will be, all I know is that it'll be far from home, although probably more interesting and with better career possibilities. More answers next week.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying FIFA World Cup!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-31188883991618883492014-05-21T12:36:00.001+01:002014-05-21T12:36:22.637+01:00some good news<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hey everone, good news today! Josh's family agreed to give him his share of the inheritance without involving the court. I was surprised, I thought they'd put up a fight. So, soon he'll have 15K to start his antique business and to pay expenses without having to withdraw money from his Poker account. Yay!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I won't have to pay bills or the food alone, but our deal still stands regarding him doing all the house chores and me paying for his bank loan (120 euros a month). This will only stand until the business kicks off and he's able to pay for everything he's due. And it's also for him to get used to having the money. I don't know. Actually I don't know why he doesn't start paying for everything on his own right now, but I think it's because he needs that crutch (me) to feel safe. I guess it won't kill me to help him make a smooth transition into independency/adulthood. Yes, I know how this sounds.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyway these are the news, I'm happy but also a little scared about the future. What if he decides to spend more than he should at the tables? What if the business doesn't prosper? What if these 15K act like a band-aid in a gun-shot wound? Letting him keep up with a lazy lifestyle for another 2 years or so, and ruining my dreams in the process? Yep, those are my concerns.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But, as usual, I'm taking a leap of faith and hope for the best. It's his call, his responsibility. I'll stick around, while I can.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-82271330841895075522014-05-12T11:24:00.001+01:002014-05-12T11:26:11.113+01:00josh's decision<div style="text-align: justify;">
Just a small update with good news. Josh has spoken to his grandmother about getting his part of his inheritance money in advance - the plan is to get it now and then not receive that part when they all "officially" share it. He has a brother and sister, not sure if I mentioned it earlier, and they all should agree on it. Surprisingly, his grandmother agreed. But he still has to talk to his aunt, and she's... bad news. We'll see what happens. If they don't agree, he'll go to court to get the money... but that will take ages... damn. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyway, the good news is he told me he wasn't going to invest the money in Poker anymore. He'll continue to play with the stash he still has, and invest whatever he receives into the Antique business. It's also risky, but at least he'll be buying goods, that are always of some value, not burning money away at the tables. I was very happy with his decision, not because he'll stop playing (he won't, for now), but because he's doing something different and that's the first step to get a different result.
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Also, my stepdad will help him and train him and this is finally a way for Josh to learn "a trade" and start doing something that I consider "normal" for a living. Even though it's not 100% safe (what is, these days?) and it also requires investment, I look at it as normal, because that's what my step dad always did.
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Next week he'll have an answer from his aunt. Fingers crossed.
</div>
<br /><br />
<br /><br />
xoxo
<br />
AndreaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-81378173624006413502014-05-10T13:11:00.002+01:002014-05-10T13:14:06.069+01:00here we go again<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, I guess you saw this coming. Josh was doing fine for the last 5 months and recovered part of his miserable stash (got back on the 2K mark), but just last week he decided it was time to go up a level. So instead of playing his usual 7$ games he went up to 15$ (this is not all he plays, but it was the main change).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
He had a bad swing and it only took a week to destroy his bankroll. Now he's back with 800 dollars or something, and desperate. I don' understand why he didn't stop and went back to the 7$ games on time. He says he's tired of waiting and playing for pennies. I guess that's what you guys call "tilting" but he said I was crazy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
So... now what? He's been investing in antiques, but the business is slow, so that doesn't help much. He continues to refuse to get a job, even a part-time job, because he says that will keep him away from the tables and from making good profit (I guess it would also keep him from losing, but he doesn't see it that way). His final resource, as ridiculous as it may be, it's his inheritance. His grandfather died about 10 years ago and he should be entitled to part of the money, but out of respect for his grandmother, he never demanded it. Now he says he's going to start the process in court.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
I sincerily have my doubts because he's very... slow when it comes to doing something. I mean the guy has had the papers to get blood tests done for almost 2 months now (he hasn't done medical tests in 10 years) and he still hasn't done it. He has no idea how his health is going, but is so... "lazy" that he just stays home, the reason being "I have no time to do it". Right.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
Whatever happens, I'm worried that it will fall upon me to help him, again. Because I'll have to say No, and it may be the end of us. On top of it all his mood is terrible and we've had several fights. On the last one he made me feel guilty for being so lucky in life (since I didn't go through the trouble he experienced and had a "normal" upbringing) and underachieved, because he undermined all my achievements, saying they were all thanks to my parents and not from my personal effort or responsible personality. He says I have no idea of what it's like to grow up without money, cause I always had whatever I wanted and my life was easy - hence, I'm not more accomplished than him, I'm just lucky.<br />
<br />
My house and my car were bought with money I got from an inheritance (I was lucky, my dad died when I was 10 and then my grandfather killed himself, and when my grandmother died I got all the money, since there was no one left); my house is partly decorated with furtinure my parents gave me (I am such a lucky brat, my parents help me out). The funny thing is that he's enjoying the very comfort he criticizes.He never contributed a dime. But that's not lucky of him, if I'd ask him for rent or regular gas money I'd be a total bitch. Because I have stuff. And he doesn't.<br />
<br />
So... basically that's where we stand right now. I'm worried about him, since he's so negative and can't find simple solutions to his problems and apparently would rather kill himself than get a part time job. I'm serious, this is <i>really </i>how he thinks! It's so crazy... and pathetic, really. I don't know what to do, or even if I have to do anything, since he's dealing with the choices he made. But I still worry. I guess for the first time I'll try something different - will continue to help him out with food and bills, but not try to solve his problems, and certainly not give him a single euro for Poker. It's like if he were unnemployed and I was helping him out. I know it's not the same... his lazy ass refuses to work. But it's the only (acceptable) option I'm figuring out right now.<br />
<br />
Thank you for reading. I hope you're doing well and to hear from you soon.<br />
<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
Andrea </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-23216952724921287882014-03-07T14:51:00.001+00:002014-03-07T14:51:32.625+00:00all is well<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone! It's been almost two months since I've written, but everything is fine. I have been away exactly because everything is fine. Life with Josh has been peaceful and happy, although not much has changed: we've been keeping both parts of our deal, he keeps the house clean and does stuff for me, I pay our expenses. Recently there was a slight improvement - he said I didn't have to give him the extra 20 dollars a week, because he didn't feel well accepting them anymore. So now I just pay our bills, he pays for his food and everything else.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He's doing relatively well at the tables, but no major breakthrough yet. He's also been having a few health issues, he noticed he was having high blood pressure and we had to see a doctor and all... there's nothing wrong with his heart, but now we have to wait for his blood results to see if there's any physical cause for the high blood pressure, or if it's only stress. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think this shows how seriously he takes this, unlike many of you say. Yes he's had his share of lazyness and hasn't been the perfect player (far from it on the early years), but now he's seriously trying to find his financial independence. He's always had a skin problema due to stress (a rash that gets worse on stressful periods) and now it's showing on his blood pressure as well. Assuming there is nothing physically wrong with him, which is my belief.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
On other news, our dog Frank is fine, I just got another tattoo (a pagan god) and I took a couple of days off, so it'll be all relaxing and fun until Monday, which is good because things are a little difficult at work. Many changes and annoying colleages... I needed a break.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If anyone cares, I do apologize for my absence, but I felt I didn't have anything new to share and sometimes the comments are completely useless and destructive, so I just rather not write at all. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope all is well with you guys and hope to hear your news on the comments' section.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-21335913914931043872014-01-20T18:49:00.000+00:002014-01-20T18:50:55.378+00:00stop reacting<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone. I've been quiet lately because... mainly because everthing has been going well. Josh and I have been getting along fine, I stopped meddling in his business instead of always trying to control his schedule, his habits, his choices... and things have been more peaceful. I'm reading Codependency for Dummies and it has been very helpful, specially when it comes to.. stop reacting to Josh. I'm trying to act now, have a life. Not just react to Josh's life and make it my business all the time. I've admitted to myself that I try to control his life as a "hobby" to keep myself busy, too busy to look inside my own life and realize what I really want from it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He's also been making a lot of money (a lot for my standards). I'm actually scared to post this because I don't want to jinx things, but yeah, he's doing very well lately. Of course this doesn't mean anything special yet, he's just closer and closer to recovering his bankroll, but I think that his winnings will only become meaningful to me when he reaches the 10K mark, doubling his initial stash. And when he starts paying his own bills. For now our deal still stands: he does things around te house and walks the dog, I pay the bills, he pays his food. Anyway, of course that winning is far better than loosing and maybe that's also why life has been ok lately and I've been at peace.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today I had lunch with my parents though, and it was a little stressful because they seem to enjoy shoving my failures in my face. For instance, I had planned a trip to NY with Josh and then that stopped making sense to me, because I don't feel I should pay for it alone and I'd rather wait for him to have his own money and we can both go as equals. So my step dad asked, with sarcasm, about my trip. And then he asked, in the same tone, about my marriage. Both of them old plans that aren't likely to come true anytime soon (me and Josh were thinking about getting married on May 1st this year, but this was many months ago, before I started doubting everything).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyway, I acknowlege those "failures" as I ackowledge my inability to remove myself from a relationship that doesn't make me 100% happy. But that's the best I can do right now: not denying what I am and have been choosing for myself throughout my life. Sad as it may be, I take responsibility for it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope everything is going well with you. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-86292970789049151432014-01-13T12:39:00.000+00:002014-01-13T12:40:03.330+00:00sharpening our tongues, doing nothing but growing old<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/v4pUaEQz_Aw" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
Still alive here, just saying hi with a song. Not for everyone though... Cheers!<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
AndreaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-85649750651473376702014-01-02T17:46:00.000+00:002014-01-02T17:50:58.899+00:00a break from everything<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone, hope you had an excellent Christmas and New Year's eve. I'm now at my parents' country house, came here to get away from everything for a few days, I'll go back to work next monday. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, it pains me to say I wasn't able to break it off with Josh. I wrote my last post while I was at work and had my mind all made up and everything. I even talked to my therapist on the phone and she told me I was doing the right thing if that was what my heart was telling me to do, since I was particularly hurt by his behavior during Christmas. My plan was to go home, tell him he had a week to get out and then see how he reacted. If it became impossible for me to stay there, I'd tell my parents and temporarily move to their place.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
However, the minute I got off the phone with her, I started panicking. I was barely holding my tears for the next hour I spent at work and finally burst out crying on the drive home. Why? The thought of hurting Josh was too painful for me to bear, simple as that. I wasn't concerned about how my life would be without him, if I'd miss him or if I'd regret my decision - it was simply that I couldn't deal with telling him that he wasn't loved anymore and he had to go live his life somewhere else. Specially because he had no clue what was going on thus far and I could tell he was already feeling pretty insecure about us.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... yeah, I got home and just cried, I wasn't able to tell him anything. He asked what had happened and what was wrong and I just told him I was crying over what had happened at Christmas, since I hadn't had the chance yet. This was on... friday, December 27. The next couple of days were horrible, I was completely divided between my mind and heart, constantly telling myself "he has to go" or making plans for my "escape" (even found a room but when I called they told me it was already taken); while still always feeling sick to my stomach, my heart pounding like crazy and not feeling good about the "decision" at all.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I ended up telling Josh that things weren't cool between us anymore and that I basically didn't feel the same I used to, because of Christmas and because of our relationship in general (his lack of money in particular). After he knew this, we had a few arguments over the next few days, because he tried (to the best of his capabilities) to make me happy and loving again, but I was always distant and he was getting fed up of my mood (avoiding him all the time).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Finally, on December 31st, I decided to go away with my parents for a while to calm down and rest and get my shit together. So, I put my misery away for the night and we spent New Year's eve together with some friends (it was actually quite fun). And I came here the next morning.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Oh, by the way, I was totally busted on the blog! Well, not totally, but almost. I was stupid and being on edge all the time didn't help. He came in the room during a break from the tables, while I was aproving some comments, and I imediately shut my laptop's lid, in a totally suspicious way. When I refused to tell him what I was doing, of course he thought I was cheating on him on Facebook or something and stormed out. So I ended up telling him the truth, that I keep a blog about our relationship and Poker and that's why I had been asking him lots of questions about his gaming habits lately and that's how I got him that book you guys advised me (Poker Winners are Different), etc. He didn't show much interest. I told him I'd rather not tell him the blog's name and he was apparently ok with it. I'm not surprised, since he hates reading and even though I have personal diaries hidden in drawers and such, that he knows about, he's never read them (to my knowledge). He always says he has better stuff to do with his time than snooping around my stuff. I believe him, because what I have written on those journals would make his head pop... if he'd read them, I'd know.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So.. what happens next? I don't know. I am now completely frustrated that I wasn't able to break up, but this doesn't mean I have the strength to get it done. I feel like I'm in a limbo of some sort. For now I'll try to relax and enjoy my days away from all that mess... What have I decided? You will tell me I'm only putting off the inevitable, and that might be so, but for now my decision was to wait 3 more months. Three more months of paying the rent and bills, so that he can continue playing without touching his bankroll. He's been going deep on a lot of tourneys... I still have hope he wins a first place and recovers at least his 5K. When that happens, I might tell him to leave, because I won't feel so guilty about "kicking him out" and we'll both have a chance to start from zero, apart.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm still hoping for a miracle, I know. Meanwhile, I'll focus on being happy, for me, and making myself happy. As I've read in one of many articles I follow, I can: <span style="font-size: small;"></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
<em>End a codependent relationship not by focusing on separating from the other person, but by reconnecting with who you are.</em><br />
<br />
Let's see how it goes.<br />
<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
Andrea</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-37200685760790876062013-12-27T13:29:00.002+00:002013-12-27T13:29:38.109+00:00a quick note<div style="text-align: justify;">
Just letting you know things are a bit chaotic in my head and heart right now, but I'm ok. After another terrible x-mas I made a decision, but I will write more when things develop a little, I'm still figuring out <em>how</em> to do what I have to do. Yes, I mean breaking up with Josh.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-44105485276947157082013-12-18T15:22:00.001+00:002013-12-18T15:22:43.260+00:00looking back<div style="text-align: justify;">
Just came back from a painful conversation with my parents and though of updating this. My step-dad told me lots of things about Josh and how he's getting himself into a trap with Poker and failing to invest in a real future... and he analyzed Josh's reasons to do so, on a "psychological level".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I agreed with everything and I asked him to do that very same analysis with me: why, knowing all that I know and have experienced with Josh, am I still with him? He told me he thought my problem is that I'm unable to deal with loss. That's why I always find ways to stay in the relationship, to adjust and adapt to Josh, even if I see no future with him and am unhappy with him. It's always better to be with him than without, because I simply cannot handle loss. That was his opinion and he told me I should treat it in therapy (although he doesn't believe in therapists).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He also thinks that this problem either comes from the loss of my father or from the fact I was kept in a hospital for over a year when I was just two years old, without seeing my parents regularly.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
During this conversation, my mother was particularly pissed with the fact that I can't bring myself to end it with Josh, or to force him to change, and she said I must be pretty incompetent, because she always found ways to get my father (and step-dad) to do what she wanted. This made me sad. Then I lashed back at her saying that she might have changed my real dad, but they were still completely miserable together. She agreed but she said she only continued the marriage because I was born and my real dad threatned her that if she left him, I would never set my eyes on him again. What a douchebag. My real dad was a horrible, horrible dad and a worse husband, I wish my step dad was my real dad and I wish I didn't spend a minute of my childhood with that asshole.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... yeah, it seems I'm getting somewhere. Loss issues. Facing the fact that "daddy didn't love me" and he used me to force my mom not to leave (he had already been abandoned by his ex, who cheated on him and left him). Bah, fucking pathetic. But at least I know where to turn now.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-70905822230398336582013-12-13T11:10:00.000+00:002013-12-13T11:10:28.606+00:00working on acceptance<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hi everyone, things have been quite good this week, as they usually are after a big fight. Josh is still playing and going deep on tables, but no major final tables so far, he's finishing up in the final 100, final 40, it depends. But December is still halfway ahead of us and I'm hopeful.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Our last fight had at least one positive outcome: I've decided to stop obsessing about my problem. I was looking at this relationship from a million different angles, like I was testing a bug or trying to solve a Rubik's cube, and there's really no point in that. It is what it is. For now Josh is still more important in my life that out of it and I have to stop fighting that, it's exausting and meaningless. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So I'm focusing more on myself (also therapy-wise), on listening to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day and even trying remembering stuff in my childhood that I totally blocked out. No success there so far.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The day after our fight I went to my parents' house (I didn't tell them what happened) and my mom was talking to me for an hour, complaining about my step-dad. I love my step dad and I think their relationship is great, they do stuff together, he's sweet to her, he buys her gifts, he helps around the house... but my mom sees it differently. She was complaining that she can't tell him anything or he'll start with the "I'm always the one to blame" speech and that he doesn't help her enough around the house (I think he does), or that she feels unloved because he doesn't make her feel special. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Her complaints, making absolutely no sense to me (but I didn't tell her this, I listened and supported her, obviously), are 100% real and painful to her. This made me wonder about how much of my complaints could be perceived differently by another person. And ultimately, if I should work a little on acceptance as well - since I want to stay with Josh, for now, that is. I mean, it makes sense to try and not get mad about everything all the time (he didn't pick up after himself, he isn't paying me enough attention, he didn't shave and is always with his beanie on and looks like a bum, he doesn't pay his bills, etc etc). </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think I need this now. Trying to relax and focus on myself, not getting upset over little things and over things I cannot change for now (leaving Josh). Acceptance of myself and of him. For now. Yep.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope you guys are ok, I wish you all the best.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-14743797460563079442013-12-09T14:15:00.001+00:002013-12-09T14:15:28.293+00:00the fat lady didn't sing yet<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone, hope your weekend was nice, mine started off good, but ended up like crap. It had been a while since me and Josh had a big fight, so, naturaly, it had to happen. I'm at home now, couldn't go to work because I cried so much last night that I look like a monster this morning.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We started arguing because I told him I was sick of him not paying any attention to me and not investing in our relationship, because for the past month he's either playing Poker or sleeping. This led to an argument about my needs not being met and his needs as well. Or I should say "need", because he only complains of one thing: sex (or lack of). </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My attention needs don't make sense to him because I did exactly the same to him while I was working away from our house: I was too tired and unavailable to spend time with him and even kept meeting my friends although we had little or no time together as a couple. He believes I'm never satisfied with anything, I complain if he doesn't play enough and then I complain if he plays too much, I'm never happy and women in general are impossible to please. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For his part, I don't accept his sexual complaints because we always have sex at least once a week, and I feel like if I don't initiate it it's because <em>he</em> doesn't make me want to do it. I feel used in this relationship, for being his financial support, and even though he supports me in other levels, I still feel it's not enough. So... initiating sex doesn't come naturaly to me because I feel like I'm already "giving enough" and he has to try harder to get it (like being romantic, a better partner in house tasks, or, most importantly, being self-sufficient financially). Basically I've become turned-off by our problems and by his personality/life style. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... he said he couldn't live with someone who felt like this, "turned off" by him, he was tired of always trying to set things right and never being enough and he was leaving. He packed, again. And I didn't stop him, I was trying to do the "right thing" for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But after 4 hours (he said he'd leave in the morning) of crying and talking and fighting, I couldn't hold on anymore. I kept saying that I didn't want him to go for a while, but meaning to let him go, I was like "yeah, we love eachother but this is not working, it's best that we part ways" and blabla. But then it was too much for me to handle. I said I didn't want him to leave and really meant it. In the end I didn't have to beg him or anything, he didn't want to leave either. So... yeah, he stayed. And dependency won.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's sad for me to admit this, but it's an eye opener too. This really <em>is</em> like any other addiction. I was all strong and saying to myself "I won't stop him, I wish he'd just leave, I can't live like this anymore" but the truth is I'm not ready yet. It is arguable whether or not I'll ever be ready. But this is what I know: the pain of separation that I felt last night isn't natural. And it is even <em>less</em> natural when we observe the relationship at hand. Getting separate from Josh should be, not easy, because there are memories and feelings involved, but definately <em>not this hard</em>. It's like I'm in the hospital again and my parents are leaving me there again. Or it's like I'm finding out my father just died again. It is a primal, childish, desperate pain, that makes me curl up in a ball in the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out. Not normal. So... treating codependency is the only way. Yes. It is. Last night's experience only made this belief stronger.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Thank you for reading.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-52503420248606417842013-12-03T18:17:00.001+00:002013-12-03T18:17:31.949+00:00the power of vulnerabilityI'll leave you with this today, you might have seen it or not, but it basically sums up a lot of what I'm struggling with my whole life. It's not about Josh, our relationship, his "job", his choices... it's about me and what needs fixing inside me. It's about what I have to admit to myself about my past and stop trying to control in my present life. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/iCvmsMzlF7o?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />
So.. yeah, just watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o" target="_blank">this video</a>. Does it make sense to you?<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
AndreaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-28059744502113688552013-11-29T11:26:00.002+00:002013-11-29T12:28:10.025+00:00small things<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hi everyone! Not much to say today, things at home have been rather peaceful, Josh is playing all the time and we're a bit distant now. He's been going to bed at around 7am. But I don't complain, it's nice to know he's focusing on the game.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Actually I think he's getting a bit obsessed, today he was talking about Poker in his sleep. He sometimes talks in his sleep, but I hadn't heard him going on about his hands yet. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is my last day working away from home, yeaaaahhh! Next weak I'll go back to my usual routine of waking up only an hour before I have to be at work, instead of two. So, more free time to do what I want.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Christmas is coming and, although I'm not religious, I enjoy the season. Josh usually sets up our x-mas tree (I'm not very good with the decorations) and our house is all cozy and warm, I like spending time just laying on the couch with a blanket reading a book or watching my fav TV shows. I'm following Boardwalk Empire now (season 4) and reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/God-Small-Things-Novel/dp/0812979656" target="_blank">The God of Small Things</a>, beautifully written. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let's see how things go, Josh has been winning some money, I hope he keeps it up and things can take a positive turn by the end of the year.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Thanks for reading.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-33988838278760736402013-11-26T12:34:00.001+00:002013-11-26T12:37:08.683+00:00what's in it for me<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone. Josh didn't win anything special during the Micro Millions event, so.. no miracles so far. However, he did go deep in several tourneys and won a few hundred dollars, which is excellent and gives me a little hope for the future. I'm thinking that if he wins a large sum of money soon (like, by the end of the year), I can either give us another shot at being happy, or leave him without feeling guilty, because he has the money to support himself.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I'm focusing on my recovery. In one of the books I'm reading, the author asks us to describe the gains in our relationship. Since there are always reasons to stay in a codependent relationship, what are those reasons in my case, what do I gain by having a relationship with Josh? Many of you asked the same, I guess it's part of my recovery to answer it and be completely honest.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong>I'm not alone.</strong> Sometimes I wonder if being alone wouldn't be easier, because I wouldn't feel half the anxiety I do by living with Josh... but I like having someone else in the house in case something happens to me, like I get sick or something. I feel protected or safe, having him here. Also I tend to scare myself at night and have nightmares, it helps when he's here. I also enjoy his company when watching movies or shows on TV.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong>I get my share of laughs.</strong> Josh is funny and we do have fun together.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong>Josh occasionally teaches me stuff I don't know.</strong> He's into mathematics and statistics (which I'm not) and, since he watches a lot of TV, sometimes he shares stuff he learned in History or Science channels.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong>He cleans the house and walks the dog.</strong> But this is a constant struggle, he doesn't do it willingly and we usually fight over his lazyness (or any other reason his offers as to not have done his tasks). Don't know if this is an actual "gain".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong>He has his family's beach house.</strong> I truly looove it there.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong>We have our dog.</strong> And in case we part, he's taking the dog. Although I'll admit it would be like 90% grief and 10% relief, since I pay for all the dog expenses and also I wouldn't get stressed like I do when he doesn't walk the dog (which is something he frequently neglects).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is basically it. A pathetic little list. Obviously he has a lot more to gain from this relationship than me... this, along with what I admitted in my previous post (especially because of it), has got me thinking and thinking... and worrying. <br />
<br />
I had trouble sleeping last night from confronting this reality and the simple urge to leave Josh. I have to take things slow, I'm afraid to rush out and create a more painful situation than it has to be. My options would be: simply move out and leave a note telling Josh he had like 2 months to go; break up and keep living with him until he finally left (too painful and a bit scary); break up face to face and then move out, facing his anger and the whole drama of him watching me pack and leave.<br />
<br />
Another question I have to ask myself is... is leaving Josh going to fix my life? Or am I, again, searching for solutions outside of myself, when in reality I could find happiness <em>regardless</em> of Josh being in my life or not?<br />
<br />
A lot of thinking to do.<br />
<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading.<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
Andrea</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-63301922461985802002013-11-22T15:24:00.000+00:002013-11-22T15:58:34.136+00:00the most important question you can ask<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello! I read a very interesting <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-manson/the-most-important-question_b_4269161.html" target="_blank">article (click to read it all)</a> about the things we want in life and how our perspective on them is actually wrong, I thought of sharing it with you. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
According to the author, to become a fully accomplished person, we got used to asking ourselves a question - what do I really want in life? - and then lead our lives in a way that somehow would result in succeeding at those goals. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The thing is, answering that question doesn't get us anywhere. Our answers will always be something like to "live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room." Which basically means nothing and will only contribute to make us feel like loosers for the most part.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />So, the alternative would be starting to ask ourselves another question - what pain do I want to sustain in life (in order to achieve certain goals?). What are we willing to do or put up with, in order to achieve this or that? That is the million dollar question and can really change our lives.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />An example from the article:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all."</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Since I'm searching for what I really want as part of the therapy process, this was a good exercise for me. When it comes to my relationship the (painfully) real answer is "I want to be with Josh, I am willing to have arguments regularly regarding his bad habits at home, I'm able to sustain the stress of living with a man who doesn't bring money home regularly, I want to feel nervous and sad every other day, I wish to doubt my future and get frequent stomach aches, I'm willing not to ever have children to stay with Josh, if I have to, I am able to wait for him to become what I need forever, even if that means waking up someday and be an old woman that no other man will want, I am ok with giving him an allowance so he can pursue his dreams and hopefully become what I wish him to be."</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hm... yeah. I know it's bad. But it's reality and I have to deal with it. I mean, do I really want these pains? Not really, but since that's what I have to put up with in order to be with Josh, the answer is yes, I really want them. For now. Hopefully my therapy and building my selfesteem will change my answer a bit.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When it comes to playing poker, thinking about Josh, I think his real answer wouldn't be "I want to be a successful poker player", but it had to be something like "I want to play poker and deal with months of insecurity, bad beats and coolers, I want to put my relationship at stake, I want to spend many sleepless nights playing and most of my days watching videos on Youtube to improve my game. I want to spend years trying to accomplish something even if it means reaching the age of 40 empty handed and with no job perspectives." I wonder if he'd really answer this, if he's aware of this... I guess I'll ask him later.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What about you? What do you really want in life? What are the pains you want in your life?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Have a nice weekend!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo<br />Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-36120184747521413232013-11-20T12:52:00.002+00:002013-11-20T14:51:01.104+00:00no means no?<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone. Just keeping the blog alive here. Things at home have been peaceful for a week (wow), Josh is spending lots of time playing the Micro Millions thing, yesterday he entered a 21 thousand people tournament and won 200 dollars, he played for 6 hours and got to the final 200 players. It was a little frustrating because I was secretly hoping he'd go further and, who knows, win the 15K first prize (that would be awesome), but... yeah.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He said he was going to change his strategy a bit and start playing MTTs (he only played Sit and Gos for the last year), from now on. This is somewhat "refreshing" to me, because I always thought he should play MTTs. Not that I know what I'm talking about, but I figure that if he can pay like 8 dollars to win 15K, he should try it from time to time, even if it's a long shot. He always said it wasn't a good idea because the game doesn't work based on "long shots", but on long term persistency and repetition, which means he might have to play <em>dozens</em> of MTTs to make sure he'd win something decent and he couldn't risk his bankroll like that.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now, after seeing that he has gone far in several tournaments, he got his confidence up a little, and decided he's going to play more of it. Not sure if he plans on stopping SNG, but I don't think so and I hope not, I think he should play both to keep things balanced.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now, regarding our relationship... What happened last time we had a huge fight was a small victory for me (not giving in, making him buy his pills <em>and</em> pick up the Dog License for me), but unfortunately, for boundaries to be deeply set, they must be tested, and those tests happen when we disagree, have a fight and I stand my ground (or not). So, I passed my first test. The problem is that sometimes fights don't happen often enough (ridiculous, but please understand) and this tends to make me "softer" which in consequence makes it more difficult to keep my boundaries when the next altercation arrives.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was talking to my mom about this the other day. Her reaction was the same as many of yours: it can't be <em>that</em> difficult to leave someone if you're not entirely happy with the person. I showed her the book I'd just bough (<a href="http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/Codependency-For-Dummies-Darlene-Lancer/9781118095225" target="_blank">Codependency for Dummies</a>) and explained to her that I've had this problem since my teens, that I spent my whole life saying yes to men when I really wanted to say no. I didn't get into many details (she's my mom), so I didn't mention anything sexual (which happened several times), but I did admit to her that I'd accepted a guy's request to be his girlfriend (when I was like 20) only not to upset him, and then I got home and texted him saying I was sorry but I didn't want to be his girl after all. She was a bit shocked to know this, lol. I can tell you a dozen stories of situations when I said yes instead of no (with other men, not Josh), for a single reason: not to be unpleasant and create what would be an awkward situation for me. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So we talked about how this problem only happens when it comes to men, because I have no problem standing up for myself with women. And we talked a bit about my real dad and how he might have influenced me to become like this, since I was always trying to make him love me and he was very demanding and cold and always busy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... yeah, to answer those who accused my therapist of being a charlatan, I disagree completely. It's very simple, actually. Imagine you found out that the way you lived your entire life was wrong, unhealthy or even dangerous for you (and I've had more than one dangerous situation because of my inability to say NO, the worst being almost getting raped). Imagine you'd have to learn how to <em>live </em>differently. Do you think you'd be able to change a little chip in your brain and wake up a new person? No. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It takes time. It takes tests. This can last months or years, depending on the situation. I'm still coming to terms with the reality of my life: I have to change the way I lead my life. And this has to be done in small steps. First I say no to buying him pills, then I say no to having sex if I'm tired and don't feel like it, then I say no to getting his dinner on the way home just so he doesn't have to move, then I say no to doing <em>just about anything that goes against my will</em>. Simple... but difficult.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope you guys are ok.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-21759721320234386642013-11-15T12:53:00.000+00:002013-11-15T15:04:51.742+00:00one day at a time<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope you guys are doing good!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea<br />
<br />
PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com37tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-43061647766020359112013-11-08T11:44:00.000+00:002013-11-08T11:44:12.610+00:00a long update<div style="text-align: justify;">
Josh didn't leave. Obviously. And unfortunately. If he had left, my beliefs and personal confidence would still be intact. But as he didn't, he had a lot to tell me and that, besides hurting me, made a huge mess inside my head. Right now I'm totally confused and feel terrible, like a kid caught doing something bad. I'll try to explain his arguments as well as possible.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
First a little background. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
During 2012 I was caught in a situation with an abusive tenant - I rented a family house (which I later sold) to some... man, who never paid the rent, destroyed the interior of my house and, worse, left <em>me</em> with a debt of 700 euros - because electrical power and water supply were in my name. I had to pay bills he accumulated and had lots of trouble getting him to leave (he was living there with two kids without water or electricity, gross). Ultimately it was Josh who got him to leave, by showing up with some friends that apparently intimidated him. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am now accused in the police of robbing my own house, because the... man, to get back at me, fabricated a story of me going in "his" house and leaving with several electrical supplies, gold and whatnot. Josh is one of my witnesses as to those are all lies, but the process is still pending.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But moving on. When I first rented the place I was conviced I'd get paid 300 euros monthly (a bargain, but our market is terrible now), so I increased my expenses: joined an expensive gym and started having piano lessons. An extra 160 euros a month, that I didn't have because wasn't getting paid.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Later that year, I got into another situation, this time with a cat. I bough a Scottish Fold kitten from this... woman, that ended up dying just 12 days after. Besides the horrible experience of having the cutest kitten sick and dying in our house (and all the trouble it created, since I was at work all day and Josh had to take care of it), it was another disaster to my account. I remembered having 200 euros in my account and withdrawing 220 to pay for the kitten. It was a mistake. I paid for the cat (I bought it alone, Josh didn't go with me and didn't participate in this, I just called him and he said he was ok with it, if I wanted it) and I had to pay for the Vet and then to take the woman to court for selling me a sick kitten (she didn't want to give me my money back). I ended up spending about 600 euros in all this and only got 220 back.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Meanwhile, that was also when I got my arm tattoed and spent a total of 1250 euros in it, in about 4 months. So, during that year, I spent money I didn't really have and still did my life as usual - out to dinner, parties, some make-up, etc. During that time I was also helping Josh: lending him money for his expenses, that he later paid. We did this, as I said, until the summer of 2013 - I lended, he paid (my problem was that he didn't pay <em>when I wanted him to</em>).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As I said in a comment (and may have mentioned earlier) I have now over 70 thousand euros in savings, from selling that family house and so on. That money is safely stached in savings accounts that grant me small interest every year. Smaller than the inflation rate actually, which means I'm not winning anything, I'm just not losing as much as if the 70K were in my current account.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Josh's point of view is the following:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When I lended him the 5K, he was supposed to make it to SuperNova level in one year, but only if he would play certain stakes. This meant that he either had to win at the game, or couldn't withdraw money every month. Or else, he'd have to lower his stakes. Since he didn't win <em>and</em> I demanded him to withdraw money every month to pay for his expenses, although he made 4500 dollars, his bankroll went down to less than 2K. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, if I had cut back on my expenses a little (since I was going through all those difficulties), I wouldn't feel as compelled to demand <em>monthly</em> payments (this is true, I admit to that), which wouldn't have caused him to lower his stakes and ultimately (along with the ridiculous bad luck he's had, according to the EV graph) made it impossible to reach SuperNova or to keep his bankroll.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In Josh's opinion, if I'd moved part of my barely profitable savings - let's say 5K - to my current account and had used it to help pay for my expenses along the year, I wouldn't have felt so stressed, wouldn't demand monthly payments (he'd pay me back everything by the end of the year) and none of this would have happened. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Regarding his hair loss pills, he said he didn't understand why I couldn't pay for them because his only issue is that he doesn't have money in his current account, only on his credit card (that receives his PokerStars withdrawals) and the pharmacy doesn't take credit card payments. So I'd pay for the pills and then he'd go to the supermarket and buy me 23 euros (their cost) worth of stuff, with his credit card. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He thought I was being extremelly selfish on this particular occasion (pills) and that I was always blaming him for my poor decisions regarding my money. He said he didn't know if he could live like this, so he was leaving as soon as he got a ride to go. His bag is packed. I seriously doubt he goes, because I know he still loves me (or, as you might ask, does he love my money?). </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He also said my low self esteem is always causing me to doubt that he really loves me and making me think that he's only there for the money, but that's bull, because he knows he can survive on his own, even if not with the same quality he has with me. And that he's only trying to earn more money to please me (so we can have a family soon) because if it was only for him, he'd live with 400 a month and didn't give a damn.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This was basically it. My head feels like a drum and I had a bad day at work yesterday. I don't know what to think, but I must find out what <em>I want</em>. I didn't buy him the pills though, he asked his grandmother and she paid for it. I'll go to therapy later, which will be good. Got to get my thoughts together. I think he has a point, but I'm afraid to be manipulated. Maybe I'm crazy and a bit paranoid and can't believe he loves me for me. Maybe not.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Thanks for reading all this, appreciate it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-7080393836283896942013-11-07T10:35:00.000+00:002013-11-07T10:35:32.365+00:00the sh** has hit the fan<div style="text-align: justify;">
This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually <em>his</em> (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-20811605202640234982013-10-30T13:07:00.001+00:002013-10-30T13:07:20.521+00:00the bargain<div style="text-align: justify;">
Alright, so yesterday Josh made me a counter-offer to see if we could continue our relationship in a way that would satisfy us both: for him this means not working, for me not feeling used. These were the terms of the deal. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
On my part, everything would continue as we decided in September:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
- I would pay the house expenses on my own (water, electricity and gas - we don't pay for cable TV, phones or Internet because I work for the company) - about 100 euros total (meaning I'd be <em>giving him 50 euros</em>)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
- I would pay his bank loan monthly (125 euros)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
- I would give him 20 euros a week (80 euros)</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is a total of about 250 euros worth of help.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He would:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
- Do <strong>everything</strong> in the house for me, including: cooking, cleaning, laundry and walking the dog for me every single day - this sounded immediately good because I hate walking the dog on weekdays (we currently take turns walking the dog and I usually don't feel like doing it);</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
- The 20 euros a week <strong>could only be used to do things together as a couple</strong>, or for him to go out with his friends in case I want to stay home, but never for things that are exclusively his, like supplements; - this is also better, because the previous deal implied that if I wanted to do something with Josh, I'd have to pay even more, since he used those 20/week to do stuff for himself. So I was paying him 80 a month + any other cash spent in "couples stuff".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
- He would continue to pay for his own food; </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
- I would only pay for the stuff above mentioned until he was able to recover some of his bankroll and, as it grew (supposedly), I would gradually pay less and less, until we would finally distribute our expenses equally.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He made a convincing point on how this was a way for us to be together and how he's not with me just because of what I can offer him, but also because he loves me, or else he wouldn't put up with my mood swings or indecisions or pressures or even try to change things to accomodate me. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... basically now I'm thinking and looking inside to see if this would be ok with me or if the alternative (giving up and get separated) would be better. The main question is.. are these things worth my 250 euros? Do they balance themselves out? Is he working enough for me to feel good, to be worthy of my help? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's tempting, because the deal seems now a little more balanced my way. But it's still a "deal", an "arrangement", a "sacrifice" of my finances... of course he'd also sacrifice by doing all that stuff... so the thing is trying to realize if I'd have good quality of life with this arrangement, or if I'd be going against my wants and needs again, by accepting it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Must think about it... I am inclined to accept, because I don't want the relationship to end, but I'm not sure if that is reason enough, or if I'm just being co-dependent again. :( </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-27095842218667460882013-10-29T12:53:00.003+00:002013-10-29T12:56:11.576+00:00first step<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ok, so yesterday I was reading a lot about codependecy and learned a few important things, very life-changing stuff. There were two major lessons for me:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<em>A codependent relationship automatically ends when you develop a healthy, working relationship with your anger (in other words, yourself) and use that relationship as a springboard for creating and maintaining sound personal boundaries that protect you.</em></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<em>When you listen to your anger, form a bond with it, and work with it constructively — you naturally pay more attention to your boundaries or lack of them. And you set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself. </em></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<em></em> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<em>And guess what? That kind of behavior is the complete opposite of codependency.</em></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Read the whole thing </span><a href="http://mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-small;">HERE</span></a><span style="font-size: x-small;">. (I just realized that angerisagift gained a whole new meaning for me hahaha)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... I decided to set the boundary that is really missing in my relationship with Josh: to stop giving him or lending him money, since that is what makes me feel used and overall bad. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Along with it, I decided not to repress my anger anymore, which is something I constantly do with Josh. I feel violated, I push the feeling away; I feel used, I push it away; I feel deceived, I ignore it; I feel manipulated, I silence it. No. I have to stop doing this, I have to set and respect my own boundaries, I have to allow myself to get angry at what he does to me. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Baby steps. Yesterday I went home and explained to Josh that, since I have very little money available this month (actually I just got paid on the 20th and my balance is already below zero), I couldn't give him the 100 dollars we had agreed on (so he could go out with his friends or so). I told him he didn't have to clean the house, because I couldn't pay him. He didn't take it well.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He started accusing me of joining the gym and getting another tattoo done (I'm getting it on the 16th of November, so I need to save up some of my already out of balance account) and messing with our agreement. I told him I was sorry but I just wasn't feeling ok with our arrangement at all and had to put my needs first, even if they were just going to the gym or getting a tattoo. (Because I can afford those things, if I don't have a leach attached to my bank account.)<br />
<br />
He then told me that he wouldn't clean or do any cooking for me (even though I am still paying for his bank loan <em>and</em> all the bills - I just cut him off on the extra 100 dollars). And he said that this way he wouldn't have any money to take me out or do fun stuff and I'd get bored. And that I was ruining everything. And that I ruined his dreams because I forced him to withdraw money from PokerStars more than he should have (to pay me what he owed me thoughout the year).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I kept my ground, apologized for the inconvenience, but kept my ground and told him he should also prepare for the day when I'd stop giving him/lending him money altogether, because that day is near. He was very upset and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, not this morning, when I got up and he went to bed.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I feel sad, but this is necessary. If he loves me he'll find a way for us to be together without making me feel used, right? I hope I wasn't too harsh on him.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3574430325333311549.post-45026824239745761102013-10-28T12:40:00.000+00:002013-10-28T12:40:02.238+00:00ramblings from a crazy person<div style="text-align: justify;">
That would be me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've been talking to some friends about our situation and am getting more and more convinced that there's no other way to go but to leave Josh. Everyone agrees, even his closest friends. They actually offered their house for me to stay (to me, not Josh, which is funny but also sad) for some time if I decide to leave and have to give him a month or so to move out of my house. Maybe he doesn't need that much time, but I don't want to make things harder than they already are.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Things at home are a little bit better, but only because I chose not to think about anything. Yesterday I was able to tell him that maybe we'd have to get separated, which doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, but that things just aren't working for me. He was... very agreeable. Maybe he was just being nice to keep things from falling apart, I don't know.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Last week my therapist told me that she didn't think I was ready to make the decision of breaking up yet and I should take it easy, or it could be more than I can handle and lead me straight back to him. So.. yeah. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Meanwhile I went to see a psychic (this is ridiculous) to see if I could get some clarity and the result was.. good, I guess. This lady had already talked to spirits for Josh and had told him several things that seemed true, like he was the destructive force in our relationship and had to change and so on. She also told him that we had already been together in another life and were trying to set things right on this one. This actually affected me a little bit (I believe such things), but after talking to her last weekend, I felt I have nothing to worry about. I was worrying that I had to pay my dues to Josh for something I'd done in another life, and that I might have to live with him and help him all my life to set things right or something.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But after talking to her, I didn't feel she was for real. She had no real message for me other than the obvious things that anyone who knows Josh and doesn't want us to break up (she's a friend of Josh's grandmother) could tell me. She told me I should look into myself and respect myself and that if I wanted to keep Josh I had to treat him like a child (she even mentioned an allowance), that I had to teach him to behave and not let him manipulate me. She told me she wasn't seeing any breakup soon and that he would eventually quit playing poker, but not now. I didn't believe much of it, although I will do what she told me regarding respecting myself and all that. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I bought another book online about Codependency that might help me. Supposedly if I found the inner strenght to stop Josh from manipulating/hurting me, I wouldn't even have to leave him, because the relationship could turn into a healthy one. If I changed, he'd be forced to change as well, or we'd part naturally. In theory.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And that's all for now... do you believe in psychics? Have you used those services to get peace of mind or even to help you in the game? :) I usually watch Long Island Medium and that show just blows my mind! Is she for real?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hope all is well with you guys.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
xoxo</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Andrea</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07964272949989203563noreply@blogger.com31