a break from everything

Hello everyone, hope you had an excellent Christmas and New Year's eve. I'm now at my parents' country house, came here to get away from everything for a few days, I'll go back to work next monday.

 

Well, it pains me to say I wasn't able to break it off with Josh. I wrote my last post while I was at work and had my mind all made up and everything. I even talked to my therapist on the phone and she told me I was doing the right thing if that was what my heart was telling me to do, since I was particularly hurt by his behavior during Christmas. My plan was to go home, tell him he had a week to get out and then see how he reacted. If it became impossible for me to stay there, I'd tell my parents and temporarily move to their place.

 

However, the minute I got off the phone with her, I started panicking. I was barely holding my tears for the next hour I spent at work and finally burst out crying on the drive home. Why? The thought of hurting Josh was too painful for me to bear, simple as that. I wasn't concerned about how my life would be without him, if I'd miss him or if I'd regret my decision - it was simply that I couldn't deal with telling him that he wasn't loved anymore and he had to go live his life somewhere else. Specially because he had no clue what was going on thus far and I could tell he was already feeling pretty insecure about us.

 

So... yeah, I got home and just cried, I wasn't able to tell him anything. He asked what had happened and what was wrong and I just told him I was crying over what had happened at Christmas, since I hadn't had the chance yet. This was on... friday, December 27. The next couple of days were horrible, I was completely divided between my mind and heart, constantly telling myself "he has to go" or making plans for my "escape" (even found a room but when I called they told me it was already taken); while still always feeling sick to my stomach, my heart pounding like crazy and not feeling good about the "decision" at all.

 

I ended up telling Josh that things weren't cool between us anymore and that I basically didn't feel the same I used to, because of Christmas and because of our relationship in general (his lack of money in particular). After he knew this, we had a few arguments over the next few days, because he tried (to the best of his capabilities) to make me happy and loving again, but I was always distant and he was getting fed up of my mood (avoiding him all the time).

 

Finally, on December 31st, I decided to go away with my parents for a while to calm down and rest and get my shit together. So, I put my misery away for the night and we spent New Year's eve together with some friends (it was actually quite fun). And I came here the next morning.

 

Oh, by the way, I was totally busted on the blog! Well, not totally, but almost. I was stupid and being on edge all the time didn't help. He came in the room during a break from the tables, while I was aproving some comments, and I imediately shut my laptop's lid, in a totally suspicious way. When I refused to tell him what I was doing, of course he thought I was cheating on him on Facebook or something and stormed out. So I ended up telling him the truth, that I keep a blog about our relationship and Poker and that's why I had been asking him lots of questions about his gaming habits lately and that's how I got him that book you guys advised me (Poker Winners are Different), etc. He didn't show much interest. I told him I'd rather not tell him the blog's name and he was apparently ok with it. I'm not surprised, since he hates reading and even though I have personal diaries hidden in drawers and such, that he knows about, he's never read them (to my knowledge). He always says he has better stuff to do with his time than snooping around my stuff. I believe him, because what I have written on those journals would make his head pop... if he'd read them, I'd know.

 

So.. what happens next? I don't know. I am now completely frustrated that I wasn't able to break up, but this doesn't mean I have the strength to get it done. I feel like I'm in a limbo of some sort. For now I'll try to relax and enjoy my days away from all that mess... What have I decided? You will tell me I'm only putting off the inevitable, and that might be so, but for now my decision was to wait 3 more months. Three more months of paying the rent and bills, so that he can continue playing without touching his bankroll. He's been going deep on a lot of tourneys... I still have hope he wins a first place and recovers at least his 5K. When that happens, I might tell him to leave, because I won't feel so guilty about "kicking him out" and we'll both have a chance to start from zero, apart.

 

I'm still hoping for a miracle, I know. Meanwhile, I'll focus on being happy, for me, and making myself happy. As I've read in one of many articles I follow, I can:

End a codependent relationship not by focusing on separating from the other person, but by reconnecting with who you are.

Let's see how it goes.


xoxo
Andrea

a quick note

Just letting you know things are a bit chaotic in my head and heart right now, but I'm ok. After another terrible x-mas I made a decision, but I will write more when things develop a little, I'm still figuring out how to do what I have to do. Yes, I mean breaking up with Josh.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

the fat lady didn't sing yet

Hello everyone, hope your weekend was nice, mine started off good, but ended up like crap. It had been a while since me and Josh had a big fight, so, naturaly, it had to happen. I'm at home now, couldn't go to work because I cried so much last night that I look like a monster this morning.

 

We started arguing because I told him I was sick of him not paying any attention to me and not investing in our relationship, because for the past month he's either playing Poker or sleeping. This led to an argument about my needs not being met and his needs as well. Or I should say "need",  because he only complains of one thing: sex (or lack of).

 

My attention needs don't make sense to him because I did exactly the same to him while I was working away from our house: I was too tired and unavailable to spend time with him and even kept meeting my friends although we had little or no time together as a couple. He believes I'm never satisfied with anything, I complain if he doesn't play enough and then I complain if he plays too much, I'm never happy and women in general are impossible to please.

 

For his part, I don't accept his sexual complaints because we always have sex at least once a week, and I feel like if I don't initiate it it's because he doesn't make me want to do it. I feel used in this relationship, for being his financial support, and even though he supports me in other levels, I still feel it's not enough. So... initiating sex doesn't come naturaly to me because I feel like I'm already "giving enough" and he has to try harder to get it (like being romantic, a better partner in house tasks, or, most importantly, being self-sufficient financially). Basically I've become turned-off by our problems and by his personality/life style.

 

So... he said he couldn't live with someone who felt like this, "turned off" by him, he was tired of always trying to set things right and never being enough and he was leaving. He packed, again. And I didn't stop him, I was trying to do the "right thing" for me.

 

But after 4 hours (he said he'd leave in the morning) of crying and talking and fighting, I couldn't hold on anymore. I kept saying that I didn't want him to go for a while, but meaning to let him go, I was like "yeah, we love eachother but this is not working, it's best that we part ways" and blabla. But then it was too much for me to handle. I said I didn't want him to leave and really meant it. In the end I didn't have to beg him or anything, he didn't want to leave either. So... yeah, he stayed. And dependency won.

 

It's sad for me to admit this, but it's an eye opener too. This really is like any other addiction. I was all strong and saying to myself "I won't stop him, I wish he'd just leave, I can't live like this anymore" but the truth is I'm not ready yet. It is arguable whether or not I'll ever be ready. But this is what I know: the pain of separation that I felt last night isn't natural. And it is even less natural when we observe the relationship at hand. Getting separate from Josh should be, not easy, because there are memories and feelings involved, but definately not this hard. It's like I'm in the hospital again and my parents are leaving me there again. Or it's like I'm finding out my father just died again. It is a primal, childish, desperate pain, that makes me curl up in a ball in the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out. Not normal. So... treating codependency is the only way. Yes. It is. Last night's experience only made this belief stronger.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

 

what's in it for me

Hello everyone. Josh didn't win anything special during the Micro Millions event, so.. no miracles so far. However, he did go deep in several tourneys and won a few hundred dollars, which is excellent and gives me a little hope for the future. I'm thinking that if he wins a large sum of money soon (like, by the end of the year), I can either give us another shot at being happy, or leave him without feeling guilty, because he has the money to support himself.

Meanwhile, I'm focusing on my recovery. In one of the books I'm reading, the author asks us to describe the gains in our relationship. Since there are always reasons to stay in a codependent relationship, what are those reasons in my case, what do I gain by having a relationship with Josh? Many of you asked the same, I guess it's part of my recovery to answer it and be completely honest.

 

I'm not alone. Sometimes I wonder if being alone wouldn't be easier, because I wouldn't feel half the anxiety I do by living with Josh... but I like having someone else in the house in case something happens to me, like I get sick or something. I feel protected or safe, having him here. Also I tend to scare myself at night and have nightmares, it helps when he's here. I also enjoy his company when watching movies or shows on TV.

 

I get my share of laughs. Josh is funny and we do have fun together.

 

Josh occasionally teaches me stuff I don't know. He's into mathematics and statistics (which I'm not) and, since he watches a lot of TV, sometimes he shares stuff he learned in History or Science channels.

 

He cleans the house and walks the dog. But this is a constant struggle, he doesn't do it willingly and we usually fight over his lazyness (or any other reason his offers as to not have done his tasks). Don't know if this is an actual "gain".

 

He has his family's beach house. I truly looove it there.

 

We have our dog. And in case we part, he's taking the dog. Although I'll admit it would be like 90% grief and 10% relief, since I pay for all the dog expenses and also I wouldn't get stressed like I do when he doesn't walk the dog (which is something he frequently neglects).

 

This is basically it. A pathetic little list. Obviously he has a lot more to gain from this relationship than me... this, along with what I admitted in my previous post (especially because of it), has got me thinking and thinking... and worrying.

I had trouble sleeping last night from confronting this reality and the simple urge to leave Josh. I have to take things slow, I'm afraid to rush out and create a more painful situation than it has to be. My options would be: simply move out and leave a note telling Josh he had like 2 months to go; break up and keep living with him until he finally left (too painful and a bit scary); break up face to face and  then move out, facing his anger and the whole drama of him watching me pack and leave.

Another question I have to ask myself is... is leaving Josh going to fix my life? Or am I, again, searching for solutions outside of myself, when in reality I could find happiness regardless of Josh being in my life or not?

A lot of thinking to do.


Thanks for reading.

xoxo
Andrea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one day at a time

Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight.

 

I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.

 

Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.

 

Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

Hope you guys are doing good!

 

xoxo

Andrea

PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)

the sh** has hit the fan

This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.

 

It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.

 

So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.

 

That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually his (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.

 

It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case. 

 

My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.

 

Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?

 

I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

first step

Ok, so yesterday I was reading a lot about codependecy and learned a few important things, very life-changing stuff. There were two major lessons for me:

 

A codependent relationship automatically ends when you develop a healthy, working relationship with your anger (in other words, yourself) and use that relationship as a springboard for creating and maintaining sound personal boundaries that protect you.

 

And

 

When you listen to your anger, form a bond with it, and work with it constructively — you naturally pay more attention to your boundaries or lack of them. And you set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself.

 

And guess what? That kind of behavior is the complete opposite of codependency.

 

 

Read the whole thing HERE. (I just realized that angerisagift gained a whole new meaning for me hahaha)

 

So... I decided to set the boundary that is really missing in my relationship with Josh: to stop giving him or lending him money, since that is what makes me feel used and overall bad.

 

Along with it, I decided not to repress my anger anymore, which is something I constantly do with Josh. I feel violated, I push the feeling away; I feel used, I push it away; I feel deceived, I ignore it; I feel manipulated, I silence it. No. I have to stop doing this, I have to set and respect my own boundaries, I have to allow myself to get angry at what he does to me.

 

Baby steps. Yesterday I went home and explained to Josh that, since I have very little money available this month (actually I just got paid on the 20th and my balance is already below zero), I couldn't give him the 100 dollars we had agreed on (so he could go out with his friends or so). I told him he didn't have to clean the house, because I couldn't pay him. He didn't take it well.

 

He started accusing me of joining the gym and getting another tattoo done (I'm getting it on the 16th of November, so I need to save up some of my already out of balance account) and messing with our agreement. I told him I was sorry but I just wasn't feeling ok with our arrangement at all and had to put my needs first, even if they were just going to the gym or getting a tattoo. (Because I can afford those things, if I don't have a leach attached to my bank account.)

He then told me that he wouldn't clean or do any cooking for me (even though I am still paying for his bank loan and all the bills - I just cut him off on the extra 100 dollars). And he said that this way he wouldn't have any money to take me out or do fun stuff and I'd get bored. And that I was ruining everything. And that I ruined his dreams because I forced him to withdraw money from PokerStars more than he should have (to pay me what he owed me thoughout the year).

 

I kept my ground, apologized for the inconvenience, but kept my ground and told him he should also prepare for the day when I'd stop giving him/lending him money altogether, because that day is near. He was very upset and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, not this morning, when I got up and he went to bed.

 

I feel sad, but this is necessary. If he loves me he'll find a way for us to be together without making me feel used, right? I hope I wasn't too harsh on him.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

chapter VII - the dreadful hours

After the big fight, it was... somehow reassuring to see that no one, not even Josh's family, was willing to take him in. This may sound cruel, but it was a way for me to stop making excuses for him and to see that not a single person in all of his friends and family, not even his grandmother, were OK with his lifestyle, believed he had some future in it and were willing to give him a break. 

He had no choice but to move to another state, to an old beach house his grandmother owned, where he spent the summer. I ended up regretting the whole thing, because I was pretty sure he hadn't cheated after all (which doesn't mean he wasn't getting ready for it, I know), because a good friend of mine told me Josh had swore nothing had happened, and he really didn't have any reason to lie to him, or to try to manipulate him, thinking  he would later tell me, because they were best friends. This friend is someone who was already (and recently) completely honest with me, regardless of the harm it could do to Josh, by telling me I should have never taken him back and should actually consider leaving him for good, because of his poker lifestyle. So yeah, I trust him.

Meanwhile, I fell into a depression and started doing therapy. I lost 15 pounds in a month (and I'm slim!), wasn't able to eat, sleep or do anything, the whole nine yards. You probably know what I'm talking about. It sounds crazy, it is crazy, but I just missed him and loved him too much. I can tell you a few things I learned about codependence and unhealthy relationships in another post.

In September, however, I had one of the happiest days of my life. I was leaving work and walking towards my car, when I saw Josh just standing there, waiting for me. It was one of those movie-like moments, you know? I had never lived anything as powerful and mindblowing and heartwrecking as that. We just held eachother crying, not even saying a world, it was so surreal. We immediately got back together but kept it a secret for a few months. He was living at a friend's house, but eventually moved back in with me.

So... I had to face my family and friends, who considered me an idiot, brainless little girl for taking him back; and he had to face some of his friends who thought he was stupid for chasing me after I had kicked him out "for no reason". Yeah, there was no cheating, but our money problems were real. And this, of course, he never told them. 

Thank you for reading, feel free to share your stories with me by writing to wivesofpoker@gmail.com or just leaving them in the comments section. I will continue writing soon, and you'll see how a good scare can do miracles for some people: Josh came back a changed man.

chapter VI - the big break-up

By June 2011, Josh and I were living under the same ceiling but growing more and more apart. The house was mine, which meant he didn't pay rent (actually I'm paying a bank loan on the house) or any work that had to be done in the building. The car was mine, which meant he only helped with gas money from time to time and didn't pay for the insurance. The internet and cable service was free, because I work in a company that pays for it. 

So basically he had quite some advantages moving in with me, while I had none by taking him in. Monthly bills and food were supposed to be divided, but thanks to the poker's uncertainty, he only paid every other month. We even had a fight because, when he first moved in, he brought up the fact that up until then I had been using his house (like showering and watching TV and using the lights and stuff) without paying for it. This meant that he should be entitled to live in my house for a couple of months without paying for anything. I agreed, although now I look back and see this petty, ridiculous attitude of his. He didn't pay for anything in November and December, and when January came and I asked for the money, we fought because he was convinced I had said "until January", which I did, but not including January. He didn't want to pay the bills until February.

I don't remember how that story ended, but you can see the type of thing I had to put up with. Meanwhile, he started helping my father out on his antique business, hoping this would bring more money home... but it didn't. In fact, his enthusiasm with antiques only kept him from playing poker and when the antique selling didn't work out as he had hoped for, he had no money at all.

This started a terrible period between us, we had constant fights because I kept suggesting he got a job or went back to school and he would freak out on me every time. He was also more and more careless about his attendace at the tables, because he was obsessed with playing soccer with his friends. He used to organize two to three matches every week (reminder: renting the field wasn't for free...) and was determined to became the best soccer player in the group. I couldn't deal with such ridiculousness. Besides the matches, he went out frequently at night to meet friends (including females I didn't even know) on a regular basis.

The shit hit the fan when, after noticing he was growing more and more distant, I decided to check out his Facebook account. Yeah, it's wrong, but I'm glad I did it, because it was a real eye-opener. He had been talking to one of his new female friends in a very suspicious way. The conversation indicated that they had been together the previous night and he was actually begging her to get together on that very night.

I totally lost it. He had gone out for a run, so I went after him and had a huge fight on the street, I insulted him, spat on him and tried to beat him (I had already done that when I was suspicious of these "friends"). It was a very low moment for me... and for him. We went home and he tried to explain that he hadn't done anything wrong, he was just being an idiot online with that girl, enjoying the attention, but nothing had actually happened. I didn't believe him.

After that terrible night, I left to my parents house and told them everything. They told me he had to go immediatelly, that he was a low life good for nothing who was simply draining me out, financially and emotionally. I was so filled with hatred and betrayal that I agreed. I gave him 5 days to get the hell out of my place and told him I never wanted to see him again.

But as usual, life had other plans for both of us.

Thank you for reading, I understand this part of the story is a bit "soap-opera-like", but it all comes down to the same problem: if he wasn't playing poker, if he had a regular job and money coming in every month (even if it wasn't much), we wouldn't have lived this nightmare.