Hello everyone, hope your weekend was nice, mine started off good, but ended up like crap. It had been a while since me and Josh had a big fight, so, naturaly, it had to happen. I'm at home now, couldn't go to work because I cried so much last night that I look like a monster this morning.
We started arguing because I told him I was sick of him not paying any attention to me and not investing in our relationship, because for the past month he's either playing Poker or sleeping. This led to an argument about my needs not being met and his needs as well. Or I should say "need", because he only complains of one thing: sex (or lack of).
My attention needs don't make sense to him because I did exactly the same to him while I was working away from our house: I was too tired and unavailable to spend time with him and even kept meeting my friends although we had little or no time together as a couple. He believes I'm never satisfied with anything, I complain if he doesn't play enough and then I complain if he plays too much, I'm never happy and women in general are impossible to please.
For his part, I don't accept his sexual complaints because we always have sex at least once a week, and I feel like if I don't initiate it it's because he doesn't make me want to do it. I feel used in this relationship, for being his financial support, and even though he supports me in other levels, I still feel it's not enough. So... initiating sex doesn't come naturaly to me because I feel like I'm already "giving enough" and he has to try harder to get it (like being romantic, a better partner in house tasks, or, most importantly, being self-sufficient financially). Basically I've become turned-off by our problems and by his personality/life style.
So... he said he couldn't live with someone who felt like this, "turned off" by him, he was tired of always trying to set things right and never being enough and he was leaving. He packed, again. And I didn't stop him, I was trying to do the "right thing" for me.
But after 4 hours (he said he'd leave in the morning) of crying and talking and fighting, I couldn't hold on anymore. I kept saying that I didn't want him to go for a while, but meaning to let him go, I was like "yeah, we love eachother but this is not working, it's best that we part ways" and blabla. But then it was too much for me to handle. I said I didn't want him to leave and really meant it. In the end I didn't have to beg him or anything, he didn't want to leave either. So... yeah, he stayed. And dependency won.
It's sad for me to admit this, but it's an eye opener too. This really is like any other addiction. I was all strong and saying to myself "I won't stop him, I wish he'd just leave, I can't live like this anymore" but the truth is I'm not ready yet. It is arguable whether or not I'll ever be ready. But this is what I know: the pain of separation that I felt last night isn't natural. And it is even less natural when we observe the relationship at hand. Getting separate from Josh should be, not easy, because there are memories and feelings involved, but definately not this hard. It's like I'm in the hospital again and my parents are leaving me there again. Or it's like I'm finding out my father just died again. It is a primal, childish, desperate pain, that makes me curl up in a ball in the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out. Not normal. So... treating codependency is the only way. Yes. It is. Last night's experience only made this belief stronger.
Thank you for reading.
xoxo
Andrea
"I complain if he doesn't play enough"
ReplyDeleteNah, you complain if he doesn't win enough. But difference.
*Big* difference.
DeleteAndrea has legit complaint on both fronts. What kind of low limit online "pro" puts in only 30 hours a week?
DeleteHaving sex at least once a week does not sound great. I think it would be more fun to have sex everyday.
ReplyDeleteSounds like things are going great. Missing work because you spent the whole night crying is totally reasonable. It happens to me at least once a month. Don't change a thing...
ReplyDeleteThanks PPP, you're always the best comforter!
DeleteP3 is just little upset damm contractors and clubbing seals. i cant wait till that stripper pole and karaoke machine is installed. me and pacman jones will make it rain in that beytoch
DeleteStripper pole and karaoke machine installed? Tell me all about your mature, healthy relationships :) Or may I ask how old you are? I think I asked anger already but not PPP... just to keep things in perspective, age is only a number and the comments speak for the maturity of everyone around here, me included.
DeleteP3 is getting his condo remodeled and it has been a nightmare. i just make light of the situation and think of the ultimate mancave/condo , if i had P3/ JOHNNY COCHANE cheese . i would get a stripper pole ,karaoke machine,jacuzzi tub,80 inch flat screen,humidifier 4 the ganja,1 of those toilets so i dont have to wipe my ass,etc,etc.also shitcan that infiniti and get a black transam like smokey and the bandit .i am 41 going on 17. just fuckup a awesome relationship with a great gal in cali that is y i am in colorado. b4 that mostly FWB relationships .if i ever write a blog i will go into details .lmao
DeleteI thought you were like 27 tops! Good to know you're keeping your spirit young lolol I will turn into an old hag soon cause I don't smoke the ganja.
Deleteoh no. it is never to late to partake in the weed. LMAO. i am just stuck it the late90s early 2000s music wise. lol. i just hope u find some peace and happiness, kid.
DeleteJosh has you rite where he wants you.
ReplyDeleteAndrea, I am sorry to hear about your latest troubles. Hope u will feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI am curious, how many hours a week is Josh playing now? If I recall correctly, he was barely playing 30 hours a week. Even if he doubles to 60 hours a week as "poker pro Josh", that should still leave plenty of time for "relationship Josh". Heck, he doesn't even need to commute to work.
Is he really working hard to improve his earnings, or is he doing this, knowing you would be starved for attention, giving him the excuse to revert to "slacker pro Josh"?
Hello Pokerdogg, you have a point, he could be doing that, but no, not at all. He's not that twisted.
DeleteHe's now playing around 12h a day. Some of those hours coincide with the ones I'm home. During the week he's been only sleeping every 2 nights, not every night (this freaks me out). And on the past two weekends he was always playing... which is why I lost my nerve.
Oh and yesterday he didn't play until I went to bed, to set things right. I went to bed at around 1am, which means he didn't sleep last night again, he's still awake now playing and coming on 24h since he last saw his pillow.
DeleteOk, that sounds pretty unbalanced to me. Has he ever done this before, not sleeping and play around the clock? Just sounds like such a change from last few years, from reading your previous posts. If he wants to improve his results, this is probably the worst way to go about it. You can't expect to win if you all of the sudden go from 30 hours/wk to 90 hours/wk, and don't sleep. Sounds like he is trying to make a statement rather than trying to make money.
DeleteHmm he did this before, when he used Full Tilt Poker. He's not much into making statements... he usually is very conviced of his thoughts and doesn't care what anyone else thinks, so he doesn't bother making statements.. I think he's doing it because he BELIEVES it's the right thing to do... but if it will work or not, I don't know.
DeleteHe told me his bankroll was now at about $1700 and he wouldn't stop until he reached 3 or 4K again. Then he could slow down a bit, but his goal is to keep it up playing massively until he gets out of this hole.
He told me he had played around 70 tourneys yesterday. And this is a number he wants to keep up with.
Let's see what happens...
I FORGOT MY PEN SHIT THE BED AGAIN TYPICAL
DeleteIs Josh playing obsessively because he is losing and trying to get even? Or because he senses your dissatisfaction and is hurrying to rebuild the bankroll before you kick his ass to the curb? It is strange that you don't report whether he is winning or losing. You are probably afraid to ask. But he owes you regular updates since you are his financier.
ReplyDeleteHe told me he was tired of his situation (not having money and having to count on me) and of what it's doing to his life and our relationship (not being able to do anything).
DeleteI don't know exactly how much he's winning but it's been better lately, he only tells me when he wins a big prize, anything below 50 dollars doesn't count. I try not to ask him too often, not to pressure him, but I keep a weekly eye on things and generaly know if he won or lost. The last I checked he was still the same, his bankroll was at about 2k.
You can find out exactly how he had been doing by using one of the online sites that track results. It has ben a few years, but I used to use Sharkscope and Pokerprolabs. Vookenmeister is probably much more up to date which ones to use. The two I mentioned both let u do some free searches each day, but charges once over the limit, or for more advanced or detailed searches.
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DeleteAndrea King10 December 2013 15:19
DeleteHe told me he was tired of his situation (not having money and having to count on me) and of what it's doing to his life and our relationship (not being able to do anything).
Maybe just maybe getting a job would help out his situation, just saying.
I think his profile is private, no one can see his stats on those sites :\
Deleteget a job? heresy sir. THE JOSH doesnt work. work is 4 suckers
DeleteIt is interesting that he is mustering effort. But he has not improved his ability or opportunities; he is just doing more of the same thing. Even worse, he is sleep deprived and probably playing worse. So he is not going to earn much more money than before. Playing $8 tournaments is a joke. He is just hoping for a miracle.
ReplyDeleteOn the positive side, your new attitude is fostering changes. Ideally this experiment would convince Josh that he just can't make it at poker, and make sick of playing.
Well, yes :\ I guess we're both counting on a miracle.
DeleteDing ding ding. Abandonment and daddy issues. Saw that one coming.
ReplyDeleteYour relationship isn't healthy or normal, and youre choosing to continue it. Don't lose sight of that fact.
Deletehow is my dog FRANK? this relationship is FUBAR. world cup is coming. go croatia.
ReplyDeletehelp me if u can,it is just this is not the way i am . could u plz.help me understand . y u have given into these dark desires
ReplyDeleteBeen smoking, heh? :)
Deleteyep yep grape ape
Delete