This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.
It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.
So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.
That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually his (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.
It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case.
My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.
Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?
I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.
xoxo
Andrea
You did the right thing. He did that because he is so in control of your emotions and feelings that he knows how you will react ahead of time and is doing it so that he gets what he wants.
ReplyDeleteWish him the best of luck on his trip, rely more heavily on your friends and parents while he is gone, and he will be back when he runs out of cash and I am sure you will be happy to see him. If a thirty year old man wants his hair loss pills bad enough, he will go out and earn the money to get them.
Have you asked to see his account balance on pokerstars yet to see just how much of the bank loan is left? I'm guessing very little with how little he is playing and how financially incompetent he is.
:) The hair loss pills thing is so ridiculous, isn't it?
DeleteBut you're right and that's what made me close that door. I will not be manipulated like that. It's too much, even for me.
His balance is a little over 1K :(
true i agree with lionsfan.u know what i think,so it is like beating a dead horse. what kind of dog? girl, this dude is a LOSER.at least TBC pays vince 4 rides to casinos and such.
DeleteIt's a french bulldog :(
Deleter those the small ones? call his bluff let him go. i bet he is there when u came home. he is looking 4 a new deal.im0
DeleteYes, small and with the "bat" ears.
DeleteYes, I guess that if he's still there, he'll try to negotiate something.
Andrea i really hope you wake up, you do not need to negotiate shit, you need to lay down the law and tell this LOSER this is the way its going to be period. If the LOSER does not like it leave its that simple.
DeleteSometimes is wonder if your the one who does not let him leave. This LOSER cares for him self and no one else. He will use you all he can he has nothing to lose.
Thank you Zin, your comment was very empowering. I agree with you. The time to negotiate is over, I know my terms, I've set my boundaries, now he either respects them or leaves. No more money for anything other than we already agreed on, and even that will become less and less until I finally stop lending him money for expenses, period.
DeleteHe has to start bringing money to the house, steadily. It's either that or bye bye. Even if he makes much less than me and I agree on buying us special dinners or contribute more for vacations, he will have to pay his own personal expenses. It's the only way this makes sense.
Now... the only thing that is still negotiable is... time. How much time will he need to get his act together and start paying his bills... 6 months tops, I'd say. Forever is not on the table. But what am I talking about, I don't even know if he'll be home when I get there.
Thank you for the honest answer.
DeleteIf he was a good person he would give you back the remainder of his account so that you don't have to pay it back with interest to the bank. With close to 80 percent of your loan gone, it's safe to say he isn't a winning player and you're just throwing more good money after bad and he's using your money to pay for his own food and supplements and you will pay the bank back more as a result.
I have over 70 thousand euros in savings, so it's safe to say he doesn't HAVE to help me, I can help myself if I want to put my bank account over zero again. And the fact that my account is below zero isn't his responsibility, although he also contributed to that... Hm... I will explain better in a post I'll do in a minute.
DeleteFear not. If Josh is actually as you describe him, he will never actually leave on his own accord. The only way he will ever actually leave is when you finally throw him out.
ReplyDeleteI believe you're right... will find out in about 3 hours.
DeleteYou realize that, despite the subtitle of this blog, poker is not affecting your life; rather, your lazy, hairless, bum of a boyfriend is. But, you know this.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I thought all Greek men were gay? Comment?
He's not hairless lol he just doesn't want to be.
DeleteAnd yes, you might say that... I guess if he didn't know how to play we'd be having other problems, like him not being able to keep a job or something.
I have no idea if Greece has many gay men or not, sorry...
ha u r in greece. if P3 thinks so. i knew it. i am hungry 4 a gyro.
DeleteWhy would Josh want to work if he has you to support him...Andrea you need to wake up.
Deletetrue listen to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE 1st album.WAKE UP.
DeleteI little part of me says some of you don't even know my country exists.
Deleteluxembourg? lmao.but no beach lol
DeleteLOL thank you for that laugh anger, I'm picturing you, whoever you are, looking at a map of Europe. Actually I'm terrible at geography so I can't talk much. I'll tell you what, it's not Luxembourg, but I'll tell you where I'm from when something changes: either he leaves or he starts bringing money to the house every month. Promise :)
Deleteno offense but i think that will b a long time,girl. just hope u still have money to get those tatts .lol.
Deletethis weekend they r having a tatts and piercing benefits 4 flood victims.so thinking of getting something 4 the cause. not 4 me. lol.
DeleteThat's cool, and what will you be getting done?
Deletei was thinking the album cover of sacred reich " surf nicaragua" or mayb rage against the machines 1st album cover. something like that. but also like old iron maiden eddie pic.
Deleteso the clues today r vain dudes that need hair product,some kind of strike(country or in city),and insurance 4 dogs. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. greece looking good. still like spain or italy thou
ReplyDeleteHair loss pills have as much a chance to work as Josh making a living at poker. For your sake, I hope Josh is gone today, and you find the strength to not let him come back.
ReplyDeleteI hear you Pokerdogg. I'm kind of hoping the same thing... It would be for the best, even if I got depressed for a while.
DeleteMy guess is that you lives in Cyprus.
ReplyDelete-grouse
Cyprus has relatively high wages.
DeleteI would guess Portugal if it hasn't been guessed before. Lots of unemployment and her saying that she wasn't familiar with a lot of the geographic areas would fit right in as all she has to know is Spain is her only land border:)
ReplyDeleteSo did he leave or was he still there when you got home?
ReplyDeleteStill there, just wrote a post on what happened.
Delete