Hello everyone. Josh didn't win anything special during the Micro Millions event, so.. no miracles so far. However, he did go deep in several tourneys and won a few hundred dollars, which is excellent and gives me a little hope for the future. I'm thinking that if he wins a large sum of money soon (like, by the end of the year), I can either give us another shot at being happy, or leave him without feeling guilty, because he has the money to support himself.
Meanwhile, I'm focusing on my recovery. In one of the books I'm reading, the author asks us to describe the gains in our relationship. Since there are always reasons to stay in a codependent relationship, what are those reasons in my case, what do I gain by having a relationship with Josh? Many of you asked the same, I guess it's part of my recovery to answer it and be completely honest.
Meanwhile, I'm focusing on my recovery. In one of the books I'm reading, the author asks us to describe the gains in our relationship. Since there are always reasons to stay in a codependent relationship, what are those reasons in my case, what do I gain by having a relationship with Josh? Many of you asked the same, I guess it's part of my recovery to answer it and be completely honest.
I'm not alone. Sometimes I wonder if being alone wouldn't be easier, because I wouldn't feel half the anxiety I do by living with Josh... but I like having someone else in the house in case something happens to me, like I get sick or something. I feel protected or safe, having him here. Also I tend to scare myself at night and have nightmares, it helps when he's here. I also enjoy his company when watching movies or shows on TV.
I get my share of laughs. Josh is funny and we do have fun together.
Josh occasionally teaches me stuff I don't know. He's into mathematics and statistics (which I'm not) and, since he watches a lot of TV, sometimes he shares stuff he learned in History or Science channels.
He cleans the house and walks the dog. But this is a constant struggle, he doesn't do it willingly and we usually fight over his lazyness (or any other reason his offers as to not have done his tasks). Don't know if this is an actual "gain".
He has his family's beach house. I truly looove it there.
We have our dog. And in case we part, he's taking the dog. Although I'll admit it would be like 90% grief and 10% relief, since I pay for all the dog expenses and also I wouldn't get stressed like I do when he doesn't walk the dog (which is something he frequently neglects).
This is basically it. A pathetic little list. Obviously he has a lot more to gain from this relationship than me... this, along with what I admitted in my previous post (especially because of it), has got me thinking and thinking... and worrying.
I had trouble sleeping last night from confronting this reality and the simple urge to leave Josh. I have to take things slow, I'm afraid to rush out and create a more painful situation than it has to be. My options would be: simply move out and leave a note telling Josh he had like 2 months to go; break up and keep living with him until he finally left (too painful and a bit scary); break up face to face and then move out, facing his anger and the whole drama of him watching me pack and leave.
Another question I have to ask myself is... is leaving Josh going to fix my life? Or am I, again, searching for solutions outside of myself, when in reality I could find happiness regardless of Josh being in my life or not?
A lot of thinking to do.
Thanks for reading.
xoxo
Andrea
I had trouble sleeping last night from confronting this reality and the simple urge to leave Josh. I have to take things slow, I'm afraid to rush out and create a more painful situation than it has to be. My options would be: simply move out and leave a note telling Josh he had like 2 months to go; break up and keep living with him until he finally left (too painful and a bit scary); break up face to face and then move out, facing his anger and the whole drama of him watching me pack and leave.
Another question I have to ask myself is... is leaving Josh going to fix my life? Or am I, again, searching for solutions outside of myself, when in reality I could find happiness regardless of Josh being in my life or not?
A lot of thinking to do.
Thanks for reading.
xoxo
Andrea
u seem pretty selfish in this post
ReplyDeleteTony:
DeleteDon't we all ask ourselves, in each relationship, "What am I getting out of this?" Or, SHOULDN'T we be asking that?
Hopefully, the answer is, "I feel this person adds value, quality, depth, and breadth to my life - my life is fuller and richer with this person in it!" But if we don't ask the question, we sometimes find that we're in a relationship where we wake up one day and find out we're getting little or nothing, and giving a whole hell of a lot.
Far better to ask the question, IMO.
s.i.
.... And you're probably one of the most selfish people in North America, Mr. Big Charles
Deletei've always felt like in a relationship both people are supposed to be asking now what they can get out of the other person, but what can they do to be there for the other person otherwise the relationship just dont work if both parties are only thinking about their own needs. But what do i know? for the last 10+ years ive never had the chance to find out. women think only of themselves and the almighty dollar and care nothing about my emotional needs to feel loved, or their own emotional needs to feel loved. The only time i did possibly feel loved it was brutally yanked away because she didnt take the relationship seriously with me and left town without inviting me to come along. I wasnt a human being with feelings to her, it was just all a joke. And Josie really had no right to tell me Claudia felt sincere about her affection. I'm always the one that puts myself out for others in romantic relationships. i used to sacrifice my time DAILY in toledo to go out and visit Sue every single evening when it got too dark to earn any more money. In fact, that was the hilight of my day.
Deletea boy named SUE. LMAO. WOW. who knew when it got dark in toledo .that the gravy train dried up on NAMBLA activities
DeleteAsk him if he could come up with anything for this list.
ReplyDeleteThat would be a nasty question to ask a spouse... :\
DeleteGotta love TBC chiming in on relationship advice, the man who "fathered" a child with a mentally ill woman, abandoned the child, then spilled every detail of his only other non-hooker relationship in his blog.
ReplyDeleteAndrea, you are doing the right things. You MUST be selfish, because this is YOUR life. You clearly love Josh, the next question you should answer for yourself is if your life will be complete without kids. Although you certainly "could" have kids with this boy, I'm not sure you would if things were to stay the same.
I don't judge you for loving and staying with Josh. I applaud you for stepping outside of yourself and answering the tough questions.
Whether your happiness includes or excludes Josh, I wish you luck on your journey. You can be happy with Josh, but I want to remind you that you can also be happy without him. Just choose to be happy...the end.
Wow, I didn't know that about TBC.
DeleteAnyway, thank you for the kind, non-judgemental comment, those are a rarity around here, I truly appreciate it.
Regarding having kids... it's something I'd have to analyse in light of that question I was talking about on my previous post: do I REALLY want kids (change diapers, sleepless nights, a lifelong responsibility, putting a child into this shitty country, etc)? Certainly having them with someone who added to my finantial security would be nice. With Josh, and right now... not so nice.
For now I will continue evaluating myself and my situation as part of my recovery, day by day. Thanks for dropping by!
Tony dumped the raising of his son on his mother, and publicly bashes his son because his son is against gambling and won't provide him with funds to gamble with.
Deleteshitty country? an another clue. LMAO. get happy, girl.life is too short
Deletewhy not get the story right? my mom asked Sue for custody of Mark long before he was ever born, due to her strong involvement with Operation Rescue, Randall Terry, and prolife activism. (the group home was trying to persuade her to get an abortion). Sue knew abortion was a huge sin in Gods eyes, so she was happy to let my mom take care of him. i really had nothing to do with any of these arrangements, but i knew he would be much happier with my mom than anywhere else, and being homeless and a panhandler at the time i sure couldnt have given him the wonderful life my mother gave him. and i do not bash my son because he "wont give me funds to gamble with". what i am disappointed in is i dont have a family to teach poker to and a son to share interests with his dad instead of interests i dont enjoy (bowling, etc). im disappointed he dont believe in gambling, when the Bible says u are supposed to "make use of the talents God gives u". especially since that is my ONLY skill. i'm disappointed he is content to live off govt assistance and not try to support himself like i am doing, and the first opportunity im definitely calling my atty and asking him to drop the case. i dont feel morally right in pursuing this any further, i feel a lot better supporting myself. and i'm more so disappointed my mom is his guardian for the rest of his life legally now, i didnt realize his mind was so much lower off than mine. i am very high functioning and hes quite low, and that disappoints me, i wish it was not the case. autism is quite broad. i just feel like if one member of a family is really suffering financially and the other 2 members are living a much better style of living, its not the responsibly of the one worse off to take care of the ones better off, but vice versa. but id certainly not expect anything.
DeleteLMAO. WHAT A JOKE.
Deleteso lionfan is right . u dumped yr son BCUZ u r a lazy bum that didnt want to get a job to support his son.
DeleteAnd it's not up to high functioning Tony to show interest in his low functioning sons hobbies, it's up to Mark to show interest in gambling or take a hike because Tony is a one trick pony and only concerned with what you can do for him.
DeleteTony I bet your lawyer will be PUMPED to hear how much of his valuable and professional time you've intentionally wasted
He walks his own dog ... most of the time. Yup, it's pretty pathetic for that to make the list. Here are some more redeeming qualities: He doesn't sweat much for a fat guy. He has good posture for a hunchback. He is only violent when sober, which is rare.
ReplyDeleteJosh isn't terrible in all ways. He is just mediocre, providing companionship and sharing basic tasks. You could do better.
What do you have against fat hunchbacked guys?
Delete:)
Yep, you're right about that last judgement of yours, he could be better providing companionship and sharing basic tasks.
i still dont understand if u break up with josh y u have to leave yr own house?and y is walking the dog such a hassle 4 u or him? any new tatts in the future?i feel sorry 4 the dog FRANKIE.
ReplyDeleteBecause he has no place to go imediately :\ I could kick him out but that wouldn't be a very nice thing to do, unless I had a good reason like I did before (cheating). I'd feel better to give him some time to find a place to go.
DeleteAnother tatt is coming next year, in a few months, yep :)
Yeah walking the dog isn't such a big deal... but sometimes I'm lazy or it's really cold outside or raining and I don't want to do it. As for Josh, it's usually because he's sleeping. I never do that, I even set the alarm clock if I have to walk the dog so he doesn't stay too long without going. Poor Frankie :(
clues? cold and raining. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. what about the beach house and being a fisherman?
DeleteLolol yeah, that's his solution but he also needs a ride to get there and take all his stuff, which takes a little time for him to organize.
DeleteOf course that if he already had his bankroll up to a decent number things will be easier... but I'm guessing that even if he did have his 5K back he wouldn't be pleased with the breakup, because he'd stop receiving his 250 euros "allowance". I'm saying this because he already mentioned, in a conversation about his latest gains, that he plans to get to 5K and continue living without touching his bankroll until he gets up to like... 20k. I didn't say anything, but that's not going to happen. Unless of course, he gets to 5K fast and keeps on winning at a good pace.
time to organized? he has friends. WTF. when is the 20k happening the year 2020.
Delete.. So even though he intends on having money to support himself, he still thinks it's your responsibility. That has to be exciting, no?
DeleteHis goal is to get a big bankroll that allows him to play higher stakes so we don't have to be worrying about money all the time. It stops being my responsibility and becomes a SHARED responsibility when he reaches that goal. It's my choice to let him pursue it or not, which I've agreed to so far, but will not agree to eternally.
DeleteYou have a job that meets all your bills and have 70k in the bank. HE is worried about money when you aren't giving him any. That's it. And a poker player should only be playing stakes that he can beat. Any time you go up, the players get better.
Deletealso soundgarden is playing in zurich in june . just saying
ReplyDeleteI like soundgarden, never saw them live... people in zurich are lucky :)
Deleteso check off zurich . lol
Deleteandrea seems like someone who cares an awful lot about money as does pretty much all women. to have access to 70k, and not let someone invest a small share of it who could make a substantial improvement in income coming into the household that would greatly better both persons lives, is the height of selfishness.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is a point I struggle with, indeed.
Deleteshe all ready has a loan for 5k or whatever 4 the pro to make some cash and it hasnt happen. where the improvement,TBC? INVEST? i dont c the return on the 1st investment. she is already supporting his lazy azz. he is like u . DELUSIONAL
DeleteIgnore Tony, he thinks women exist to serve him in return for him not cheating on them or hitting them.
DeleteDid you ever beat a woman, Tony Big Charles?
DeleteTony robbed a female hotel clerk once by pretending he had a gun, but otherwise hasn't hit anyone in his life because he's one of the most physically feeble people alive.
DeleteQUIT mispelling the last name just because everyone else does, its Bigcharles all as one word and when u talk to someone u dont use their last name anyway just the first. anyway of course not, never hit anyone. and i didnt rob anyone either just got charged with attempted robbery because i pretended to rob someone and when they tried to give me the money i refused to touch it said i didnt want it and left. the only reason the police didnt just let it go was because of my mental health issues with the aspergers. i wouldnt ever hit a soul, all my closest friends know this
Deletesure biglazycharles. stick to that story.
DeleteI'm sorry to have offended you Tony, it was unintentional. I thought "TBC" or "Tony Bigcharles" or "Tony Big Charles" was a nickname, not your real name... so it all looked the same to me. But alright, I understood.
DeleteHAPPY THANKSGIVING alll. andrea this is a holiday were we ,americans, thank the lord that european were dirty filthy ppl that spread diseases to kill the natives ,so we could build walmarts and pollute the land. but now we use the holiday to watch football (GO RAIDERS),eat drink mass quanities of food and beer,and then wake up early and go to retail outlets and spend money of shit .we dont really need..think HOOKER WITH A PENIS. HAPPY HOILDAYS
ReplyDeleteOOPS on shit. c the turkey and fat tire is already taking over
Deletefat tire?
Deletefat tire is a colorado beer. they brew it in fort collins
Deleteoh ok :) Hooker With a Penis is one of my fav Tool songs, my fav album is Aenema.
DeleteHope you had a nice thanksgiving, in my country we have some american traditions (like.. halloween, or santa instead of baby Jesus), but no thanksgiving.