Ok, so yesterday I was reading a lot about codependecy and learned a few important things, very life-changing stuff. There were two major lessons for me:
A codependent relationship automatically ends when you develop a healthy, working relationship with your anger (in other words, yourself) and use that relationship as a springboard for creating and maintaining sound personal boundaries that protect you.
And
When you listen to your anger, form a bond with it, and work with it constructively — you naturally pay more attention to your boundaries or lack of them. And you set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
And guess what? That kind of behavior is the complete opposite of codependency.
Read the whole thing HERE. (I just realized that angerisagift gained a whole new meaning for me hahaha)
So... I decided to set the boundary that is really missing in my relationship with Josh: to stop giving him or lending him money, since that is what makes me feel used and overall bad.
Along with it, I decided not to repress my anger anymore, which is something I constantly do with Josh. I feel violated, I push the feeling away; I feel used, I push it away; I feel deceived, I ignore it; I feel manipulated, I silence it. No. I have to stop doing this, I have to set and respect my own boundaries, I have to allow myself to get angry at what he does to me.
Baby steps. Yesterday I went home and explained to Josh that, since I have very little money available this month (actually I just got paid on the 20th and my balance is already below zero), I couldn't give him the 100 dollars we had agreed on (so he could go out with his friends or so). I told him he didn't have to clean the house, because I couldn't pay him. He didn't take it well.
He started accusing me of joining the gym and getting another tattoo done (I'm getting it on the 16th of November, so I need to save up some of my already out of balance account) and messing with our agreement. I told him I was sorry but I just wasn't feeling ok with our arrangement at all and had to put my needs first, even if they were just going to the gym or getting a tattoo. (Because I can afford those things, if I don't have a leach attached to my bank account.)
He then told me that he wouldn't clean or do any cooking for me (even though I am still paying for his bank loan and all the bills - I just cut him off on the extra 100 dollars). And he said that this way he wouldn't have any money to take me out or do fun stuff and I'd get bored. And that I was ruining everything. And that I ruined his dreams because I forced him to withdraw money from PokerStars more than he should have (to pay me what he owed me thoughout the year).
He then told me that he wouldn't clean or do any cooking for me (even though I am still paying for his bank loan and all the bills - I just cut him off on the extra 100 dollars). And he said that this way he wouldn't have any money to take me out or do fun stuff and I'd get bored. And that I was ruining everything. And that I ruined his dreams because I forced him to withdraw money from PokerStars more than he should have (to pay me what he owed me thoughout the year).
I kept my ground, apologized for the inconvenience, but kept my ground and told him he should also prepare for the day when I'd stop giving him/lending him money altogether, because that day is near. He was very upset and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, not this morning, when I got up and he went to bed.
I feel sad, but this is necessary. If he loves me he'll find a way for us to be together without making me feel used, right? I hope I wasn't too harsh on him.
xoxo
Andrea
c i am a gift. i guess that 200 euros a month 4 a part time job is looking pretty good to josh,huh. good job, girl( c not buttercup or babydoll LMAO) .i may b a creep but i have a job. now back to the cool shit. THE TATTOO. what r u getting done? and where?i got 3 .thinking new years getting another. either california flag( born there),emblem to san jose sharks( fav hockey team, dig there colors, also like tampa bay lightning, just cuz lived in fl and also 1st pro hockey game went to),or who knows some random cool shit. but something better than the ones on grouchies blog. LMAO. hagd. good job on the 1st step from the creep . LMAO
ReplyDelete:) I'm getting a representation of a pagan God on my arm.
DeleteMy tattoos are usually mithological/pagan, I already have my other arm full with those references and also a couple of symbols of two of my favourite bands. I like to tattoo positive, empowering references that can inspire me in life (not that they've worked so far but whatahell).
Thanks anger, let's see how things go.
cool. what r the bands?
DeleteTool and The Prodigy. (ok, this totally flags me if any of my friends ever comes across this blog)
Deletetool is awesome. hooker with a penis and rosetta stoned 2 of my favs.also right in two. .prodigy all i know is firestarter. lol. but like perfect circle a tad bit better. judith,passive,blue,etc,etc. BUT the outsider is my fav. do u like pusifier?
Deleteso u have the face from 10,000 days tattooed on u?
DeleteAIAG, still trying to uncover Andrea's identity?
Deleteit is like a puzzle.
Deletei am still thinking italy or spain.dogg. spain bcuz very hi unemployment and the dudes r savvy and shit . could get a chick to pay a loan to play poker. but like italy bcuz dudes mama boys and savvy. also the beach house and the comment about being a fisherman. arent italian good fisherman? i know greeks r good fishermen .that is y earlier i thought she was greek. and i know greece has hi unemployment too.i dont think germany bcuz their economy is pretty solid . also no ocean.also, think tattoos 4 women r kind of taboo 4 women in greece.so i like italy or spain with greece as a dark horse.
DeleteI've got the two corneas eye (?) from the aenema album. Not italy, not spain, not greece :P
Deletealso, i love the part where josh accuses u of paying 4 the gym and getting a tattoo. OH THE HORROR. that u buy things with yr own fucking money.if u had extra money and could afford it . i would burn the 100 dollars u give him right in front of his fucking face
ReplyDeleteThat would be an interesting scene, but yeah, you're right. I guess I can do whatever I want with my own money. But he always puts me down for even using those words: MY money, MY house, MY car. He doesn't like me to say those things. And just hates it when I point out that they are, indeed, mine.
Deleteof course,i am right. it is YOUR money. just like if josh ever made enuff money at poker. he can buy whatever.or burn it. lol.y does he put u down it is yours isnt? i mean whos car is it? is yr name on the title or deed to house?
DeleteThat had to be hard, Andrea. Congratulations :-)
ReplyDeletes.i.
Thank you for the encouragement :) It was difficult, I was nervous.
DeleteAndrea - Seattle Irish is right on. Congratulations! That was an important first step.
Deletea tattoo looks very gross on a woman, and is a complete waste of money. Of course Josh should be upset, and rightfully so.
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess you can't please everyone.
Deletesure,TBC. like losing thousands of dollars at VP,VBJ,and poker is great. u know what is gross TBC not brushing yr teeth,bathing,and being a piss poor dad.
Deletealso moron TBC.she had yr "gross" tattoos b4 they met.so he must dig them. yr bankroll is under 2k shouldnt u b panhandling on the corner or finally getting whatever paperwork u need to fuck the taxpayers out of money to feed DEM MACHINES.yr like a govt stimulus package 4 the gaming industry
DeleteOOPS typo she had her"gross" tattoos.
DeleteIt figure's the dumbest comment would come from TBC....
DeleteChicks with Tats can definitely be hot.
it is almost to ez,serge.if i had a dollar 4 all his dumb comments. i could buy TBC enuff peanut butter,honey,and bread to last him a life time
DeleteAndrea, anger is not a gift. You will eventually consume you if you let it. If anger allows you the strength at this moment to deal with Josh, then use it for what it is. You will develop the inner strength to deal with problems without needing anger.
ReplyDeleteMy wife calls herself a Bu-Pag, a fusion of paganism and buddhism. Its her own interesting mix.
the key words "consume u if u let it".anger is a gift use it to do something.americans were angry with british rule.they did something about it. john brown was angry about slavery. he did something about it to draw attention to it. my mom was mad at my dad. divorced his lazy ass.but getting to yr point,dogg. if it consumes u then it can b bad. like a lot of things. use in moderation .or like a fire alarm box were it says break glass, in case of emergency.
Deletealso,it does seem that andrea is in any danger of being consumed my anger. if anything she is consumed by being 2 nice.she apologized to the dbag 4 not giving him 100 dollars.WTF. like this shirt i saw that said 51% angel 49% bitch .dont push it. imo it is time 4 90% bitch 4 this dude.
DeleteYes the lessons say we should respect our feelings, including anger, if that is the case. If that means being overwhelmed by anger at some point, then be it, as long as we're respecting ourselves and using the feeling in a constructive way: to stop the abuse (whatever it is that's causing the anger).
DeleteBu-Pag :) sounds interesting. I'm glad she's in touch with her spirituality and is able to pick up what makes sense from different lines of thought, to build her own. That's the way to go, I think.
Thank you for your advice Pokerdogg, I will definately not let myself be transformed by anger into an ugly/destroyed person, will just try to use it to get my boundaries up and running.
Someone turned the money faucet off and someone is angry...not surprising.
ReplyDeleteLook...either he can make a liveable wage playing poker...or he can't. Constant cash infusions to his bankroll weren't helping him anyway...they were ENABLING him to keep believing the dream that he could be a pro poker player.
The reality is that in this length of time he should be a winning player making the same amount as a minimum wage job at the least...or he should get a job and help with household expenses.
I am glad you stood up for yourself...keep doing it. It will allow you to see the situation much more clearly.
xactly. i like how he uses her own money to take her out and now she will get bored. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. problem solved. i will take myself to eat and such
Delete"I told him he didn't have to clean the house, because I couldn't pay him. He didn't take it well."
ReplyDeleteIf he doesn't like working for you, he can get another job . . .
Seriously, is this for real?
that is the 10000 dollar question,counselor
Deletei am 50/50 till i c the tatts. till then i roll with it.
Deletethis could b the next topic on RTP. is this real?
ReplyDeleteNo offense Andrea, but this is my new favorite soap opera via blog!
ReplyDeleteHope it gets better for you
me too.BUT if vince ever gets a blog. vinces will go number 1.
DeleteWell yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm living a bad soap opera. No offence taken!
DeleteYou lent him money and he has not paid you back yet, your paying all the rent, your paying all the bills, and your paying for his loans. Now he refuses to even clean the house. This sounds like a very one sided relationship.
ReplyDeleteAgreed... :\
DeleteHow do you feel about supporting a stay at home dad when you don't even have kids? Poker is a hobby to him, clearly not an income considering he doesn't make money on it and is withdrawing money that you gave him from a bank loan to make token payments to you.
DeleteHave you asked him how much of the $5k you gave him is left in his account?
Well this is a bit like what I asked anger in my newest post. Would you consider a housewife a leech if she, for some reason, didn't have children?
DeleteWomen (even with no kids) assumed the housewife role for ages throughout History...is this different because Josh is a man and I, as a woman, should be helped by him and not the other way around?
In my country there is a growing number of men who take the role of "house-husband" because of our unnemployment rate and because women have grown more and more successful than men, professionally.
Since men can't deliver babies, are they doomed to be considered leeches whenever the couple agrees that they can stay home and be the "housewife" ?
In 2013 with an equal society choosing to stay at home without kids or any attempt at bettering yourself or being a productive member of society is a leech yes.
DeleteWomen stayed home as housewives because they had neither the education nor the job skills nor the social equality to be viewed as viable members of the workforce. Josh refuses to be a part of the workforce because he doesn't feel like it and you give him everything he needs anyways.
Delete