looking back

Just came back from a painful conversation with my parents and though of updating this. My step-dad told me lots of things about Josh and how he's getting himself into a trap with Poker and failing to invest in a real future... and he analyzed Josh's reasons to do so, on a "psychological level".

 

I agreed with everything and I asked him to do that very same analysis with me: why, knowing all that I know and have experienced with Josh, am I still with him? He told me he thought my problem is that I'm unable to deal with loss. That's why I always find ways to stay in the relationship, to adjust and adapt to Josh, even if I see no future with him and am unhappy with him. It's always better to be with him than without, because I simply cannot handle loss. That was his opinion and he told me I should treat it in therapy (although he doesn't believe in therapists).

 

He also thinks that this problem either comes from the loss of my father or from the fact I was kept in a hospital for over a year when I was just two years old, without seeing my parents regularly.

 

During this conversation, my mother was particularly pissed with the fact that I can't bring myself to end it with Josh, or to force him to change, and she said I must be pretty incompetent, because she always found ways to get my father (and step-dad) to do what she wanted. This made me sad. Then I lashed back at her saying that she might have changed my real dad, but they were still completely miserable together. She agreed but she said she only continued the marriage because I was born and my real dad threatned her that if she left him, I would never set my eyes on him again. What a douchebag. My real dad was a horrible, horrible dad and a worse husband, I wish my step dad was my real dad and I wish I didn't spend a minute of my childhood with that asshole.

 

So... yeah, it seems I'm getting somewhere. Loss issues. Facing the fact that "daddy didn't love me" and he used me to force my mom not to leave (he had already been abandoned by his ex, who cheated on him and left him). Bah, fucking pathetic. But at least I know where to turn now.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea