Hi everyone, things have been quite good this week, as they usually are after a big fight. Josh is still playing and going deep on tables, but no major final tables so far, he's finishing up in the final 100, final 40, it depends. But December is still halfway ahead of us and I'm hopeful.
Our last fight had at least one positive outcome: I've decided to stop obsessing about my problem. I was looking at this relationship from a million different angles, like I was testing a bug or trying to solve a Rubik's cube, and there's really no point in that. It is what it is. For now Josh is still more important in my life that out of it and I have to stop fighting that, it's exausting and meaningless.
So I'm focusing more on myself (also therapy-wise), on listening to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day and even trying remembering stuff in my childhood that I totally blocked out. No success there so far.
The day after our fight I went to my parents' house (I didn't tell them what happened) and my mom was talking to me for an hour, complaining about my step-dad. I love my step dad and I think their relationship is great, they do stuff together, he's sweet to her, he buys her gifts, he helps around the house... but my mom sees it differently. She was complaining that she can't tell him anything or he'll start with the "I'm always the one to blame" speech and that he doesn't help her enough around the house (I think he does), or that she feels unloved because he doesn't make her feel special.
Her complaints, making absolutely no sense to me (but I didn't tell her this, I listened and supported her, obviously), are 100% real and painful to her. This made me wonder about how much of my complaints could be perceived differently by another person. And ultimately, if I should work a little on acceptance as well - since I want to stay with Josh, for now, that is. I mean, it makes sense to try and not get mad about everything all the time (he didn't pick up after himself, he isn't paying me enough attention, he didn't shave and is always with his beanie on and looks like a bum, he doesn't pay his bills, etc etc).
I think I need this now. Trying to relax and focus on myself, not getting upset over little things and over things I cannot change for now (leaving Josh). Acceptance of myself and of him. For now. Yep.
Hope you guys are ok, I wish you all the best.
xoxo
Andrea
SNAFU good to know
ReplyDeleteSo . . . . you're giving up?
ReplyDeletejosh wins he wore her down.that is what i get from this post. a new version of that song "if u cant love the 1 u love love the 1 u r with" this version is "if u cant b alone then just let some dude run all over u and just cry yrself to sleep,so u cant go to work to make money to pay bills and yr bf poker addiction and deal with it" hopefully my dog FRANK is getting his walks thou.
ReplyDeleteHmm I'm not giving up on being happy, I'm giving up on trying to fix this relationship and on trying to leave Josh or getting him to leave, for now. I will be focusing on my own issues because that's what needs to (and can) be fixed. I will let him be the man he is until I figure out the woman I am. That's what I meant.
ReplyDelete??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? so basically like P3 said u r giving up GL kid.
DeleteI couldn't care less about what you do. But if this is what you've gotten out of your therapy, I suggest you find a new therapist. Seems to me that leaving josh (or not leaving him, whichever the case may be) is totally within your control.
DeleteWhy not take a break from him? Fly to the U.S. and spend some time with Tony Bigcharles. See how a REAL MAN treats a woman. Why watch Josh play on-line games when you can rub Tony's back at a live poker table? Why pay for Josh's food when Tony Bigcharles can feed you comped buffets at any casino in the country? I mean, at least give yourself a chance to be happy.
That is all.
if that happen then TBC would of hit the degen gambler panhandler LOTTO i am not sure the casino in JEAN accepts dogs thou.
Deletecounselor have u traded in the infiniti yet???
Delete>>>Why not take a break from him? Fly to the U.S. and spend some time with Tony Bigcharles. See how a REAL MAN treats a woman.<<<
DeleteFunniest thing I've read in awhile, Pete. Awesome.
How about a trial separation?
ReplyDeleteThese large tournaments can be a disaster. Final 40 pays nothing; it is easy to go for hundreds of large tournaments without a significant cash. It sounds like Josh is funneling the wins from Sit n' Go's into into high-risk tournaments. Unless he gets lucky with a big cash, this could be disastrous when he hits a negative fluctuation at Sit n' Go's.
Hm, for now, any separation is out of the question. For now.
DeleteI hope he gets lucky, he's playing a lot (about 60/70 tourneys a day) to fight fluctuation. He only needs ONE final table (like winning 1800$) to get his bankroll back to a decent level. No guarantees as usual... we'll see how it goes.
Ask Josh if he understands how to exploit "bubble factors" in these tournaments?
Deletehope i get lucky mega millions drawing tonite. i need to find a chick with issues and move in with her and tell her i am a pro lotto player. that sounds insane, huh. sorry but this is what yr statement about josh winning enuff to make a living sounds to rational people and people that do play poker 4 a living or as a part time job. just face it ,kid. the dude is using u BUT u r using him bcuz u just need some1 in yr life.
DeleteHolidays can be a rough time to split. Nothing wrong with taking time off from stressing. The relationship, with all it's flaws and wonderment, will still be there January 2.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself - you can take time off from worrying.
s.i.
That was refreshing, thank you :)
DeleteWe're planning a trip to his beach house after Christmas, it will be nice and I definately need to get my mind off things, if only for a while.
SWEET at least josh has that going 4 him.cool. i got 99 problems and a bitch or dude .aint 1.
DeleteI give Josh credit he has you right where he wants you. Josh bends but does not break, you on the other hand bend and break. Happy Holidays!
ReplyDeletelike in poker, josh is playing the player not the cards. sorry girl if it sounds brutal but it is sooooooooooo true. have a great weekend thou and walk the dog
DeleteSo this pointless blog is done then, yes?
ReplyDeletelooks that way,huh? it doesnt seem that poker is the problem at all. just some dude that thinks that work is beneath him and a girl that agrees with that.
DeleteI mentioned this blog to another poker "wife" (fiancee roommate) on a plane to Vegas. Her immediate reaction was that Andrea is just a drama queen seeking attention. Andrea already wrote that she knows Josh will never change. But she pretends that he might get lucky as a pretext to reject all advice.
ReplyDeleteWell I guess you can say that all writers, film makers, bloggers, wtv, who talk about their personal issues can be called attention whores then.
Delete