new business

Hello everyone, a comment in my previous post was enough reason for me to update the blog. Finally I feel like this wasn't a total waste of time! Someone read it and related. My therapist advised me to stop writing because it was completely useless and most comments were destructive and dumb, hence my silence. But here I am for a quick update!

Josh has mostly stopped playing Poker. He's been focusing on his antique business and things are looking good. Only looking good, not being good actually (yet, I hope) because it's only been a few months. He started his own antique shop with a friend who already sells exclusive clothes (well, exclusive here, brands like Armistice, Rest of the World, Vans, Supra, Akomplice, etc), they created a whole new concept together of exclusive clothes + art pieces and the store looks great. It's a physical store, not online, in a very popular place in our town, with a lot of tourists and people walking around. So.. the prospects are good, but they aren't selling millions just yet.

Anyway it was definitely a step forward for him, he's now a "normal" citizen, paying taxes and all, he even has his own Visa machine and everything (I'm very impressed hehehe) like a real business man. Jokes aside, it's been good for him and for me, because I've been less stressed and more hopeful.

He went back to playing Poker this week, because the antique business doesn't bring money in every week and we have bills to pay, it's only an alternative source of income for now (which I'm hoping will become his main source of income). So... he went back to Poker Stars but hasn't been having much luck, from what I see, but I haven't been paying much attention to it, I confess. He told me he has a new strategy, but I don't know what it is (and I must say it scares me a bit every time he comes up with a new strategy, it's more like a new way to keep wasting money).

Oh well... that's it for the news, hopefully this blog will become less and less about poker and more about how we turned our life around.

Hope everything is ok with you guys, see you soon.

xoxo

Andrea

from playing too much to not playing at all

So... Josh has received his money and has spent the last few weeks investing part of it in antiques. He completely stopped playing poker and didn't add any money to his Poker Stars account, thank god.

 

He has also not yet begun to sell any of the antiques he bought (mainly lamps and small art objects). I'm a bit concerned about his lack of urgency, but since it's his life I can only offer some advice while watching him make his own choices. My step dad has also been helping him making the right purchases, so... at least I know he's not buying worthless stuff.

 

For now money hasn't been a problem, because of what he got from his family. But he'll have to make some on top of it soon. He has about a month before we go on vacations... let's see if he can sell anything by then... or if he restarts his routine at the tables.

 

About me.. I got a new job offer and am considering what to do with my life... I don't know what they're planning to pay me and not exactly sure on what the job will be, all I know is that it'll be far from home, although probably more interesting and with better career possibilities. More answers next week.

 

 

Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying FIFA World Cup!

 

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

some good news

Hey everone, good news today! Josh's family agreed to give him his share of the inheritance without involving the court. I was surprised, I thought they'd put up a fight. So, soon he'll have 15K to start his antique business and to pay expenses without having to withdraw money from his Poker account. Yay!

I won't have to pay bills or the food alone, but our deal still stands regarding him doing all the house chores and me paying for his bank loan (120 euros a month). This will only stand until the business kicks off and he's able to pay for everything he's due. And it's also for him to get used to having the money. I don't know. Actually I don't know why he doesn't start paying for everything on his own right now, but I think it's because he needs that crutch (me) to feel safe. I guess it won't kill me to help him make a smooth transition into independency/adulthood. Yes, I know how this sounds.

Anyway these are the news, I'm happy but also a little scared about the future. What if he decides to spend more than he should at the tables? What if the business doesn't prosper? What if these 15K act like a band-aid in a gun-shot wound? Letting him keep up with a lazy lifestyle for another 2 years or so, and ruining my dreams in the process? Yep, those are my concerns.

But, as usual, I'm taking a leap of faith and hope for the best. It's his call, his responsibility. I'll stick around, while I can.

xoxo

Andrea

all is well

Hello everyone! It's been almost two months since I've written, but everything is fine. I have been away exactly because everything is fine. Life with Josh has been peaceful and happy, although not much has changed: we've been keeping both parts of our deal, he keeps the house clean and does stuff for me, I pay our expenses. Recently there was a slight improvement - he said I didn't have to give him the extra 20 dollars a week, because he didn't feel well accepting them anymore. So now I just pay our bills, he pays for his food and everything else.

 

He's  doing relatively well at the tables, but no major breakthrough yet. He's also been having a few health issues, he noticed he was having high blood pressure and we had to see a doctor and all... there's nothing wrong with his heart, but now we have to wait for his blood results to see if there's any physical cause for the high blood pressure, or if it's only stress.

 

I think this shows how seriously he takes this, unlike many of you say. Yes he's had his share of lazyness and hasn't been the perfect player (far from it on the early years), but now he's seriously trying to find his financial independence. He's always had a skin problema due to stress (a rash that gets worse on stressful periods) and now it's showing on his blood pressure as well. Assuming there is nothing physically wrong with him, which is my belief.

 

On other news, our dog Frank is fine, I just got another tattoo (a pagan god) and I took a couple of days off, so it'll be all relaxing and fun until Monday, which is good because things are a little difficult at work. Many changes and annoying colleages... I needed a break.

 

If anyone cares, I do apologize for my absence, but I felt I didn't have anything new to share and sometimes the comments are completely useless and destructive, so I just rather not write at all.

 

Hope all is well with you guys and hope to hear your news on the comments' section.

 

xoxo

Andrea

stop reacting

Hello everyone. I've been quiet lately because... mainly because everthing has been going well. Josh and I have been getting along fine, I stopped meddling in his business instead of always trying to control his schedule, his habits, his choices... and things have been more peaceful. I'm reading Codependency for Dummies and it has been very helpful, specially when it comes to.. stop reacting to Josh. I'm trying to act now, have a life. Not just react to Josh's life and make it my business all the time. I've admitted to myself that I try to control his life as a "hobby" to keep myself busy, too busy to look inside my own life and realize what I really want from it.

He's also been making a lot of money (a lot for my standards). I'm actually scared to post this because I don't want to jinx things, but yeah, he's doing very well lately. Of course this doesn't mean anything special yet, he's just closer and closer to recovering his bankroll, but I think that his winnings will only become meaningful to me when he reaches the 10K mark, doubling his initial stash. And when he starts paying his own bills. For now our deal still stands: he does things around te house and walks the dog, I pay the bills, he pays his food. Anyway, of course that winning is far better than loosing and maybe that's also why life has been ok lately and I've been at peace.

Today I had lunch with my parents though, and it was a little stressful because they seem to enjoy shoving my failures in my face. For instance, I had planned a trip to NY with Josh and then that stopped making sense to me, because I don't feel I should pay for it alone and I'd rather wait for him to have his own money and we can both go as equals. So my step dad asked, with sarcasm, about my trip. And then he asked, in the same tone, about my marriage. Both of them old plans that aren't likely to come true anytime soon (me and Josh were thinking about getting married on May 1st this year, but this was many months ago, before I started doubting everything).

Anyway, I acknowlege those "failures" as I ackowledge my inability to remove myself from a relationship that doesn't make me 100% happy. But that's the best I can do right now: not denying what I am and have been choosing for myself throughout my life. Sad as it may be, I take responsibility for it.

Hope everything is going well with you.

xoxo

Andrea

a break from everything

Hello everyone, hope you had an excellent Christmas and New Year's eve. I'm now at my parents' country house, came here to get away from everything for a few days, I'll go back to work next monday.

 

Well, it pains me to say I wasn't able to break it off with Josh. I wrote my last post while I was at work and had my mind all made up and everything. I even talked to my therapist on the phone and she told me I was doing the right thing if that was what my heart was telling me to do, since I was particularly hurt by his behavior during Christmas. My plan was to go home, tell him he had a week to get out and then see how he reacted. If it became impossible for me to stay there, I'd tell my parents and temporarily move to their place.

 

However, the minute I got off the phone with her, I started panicking. I was barely holding my tears for the next hour I spent at work and finally burst out crying on the drive home. Why? The thought of hurting Josh was too painful for me to bear, simple as that. I wasn't concerned about how my life would be without him, if I'd miss him or if I'd regret my decision - it was simply that I couldn't deal with telling him that he wasn't loved anymore and he had to go live his life somewhere else. Specially because he had no clue what was going on thus far and I could tell he was already feeling pretty insecure about us.

 

So... yeah, I got home and just cried, I wasn't able to tell him anything. He asked what had happened and what was wrong and I just told him I was crying over what had happened at Christmas, since I hadn't had the chance yet. This was on... friday, December 27. The next couple of days were horrible, I was completely divided between my mind and heart, constantly telling myself "he has to go" or making plans for my "escape" (even found a room but when I called they told me it was already taken); while still always feeling sick to my stomach, my heart pounding like crazy and not feeling good about the "decision" at all.

 

I ended up telling Josh that things weren't cool between us anymore and that I basically didn't feel the same I used to, because of Christmas and because of our relationship in general (his lack of money in particular). After he knew this, we had a few arguments over the next few days, because he tried (to the best of his capabilities) to make me happy and loving again, but I was always distant and he was getting fed up of my mood (avoiding him all the time).

 

Finally, on December 31st, I decided to go away with my parents for a while to calm down and rest and get my shit together. So, I put my misery away for the night and we spent New Year's eve together with some friends (it was actually quite fun). And I came here the next morning.

 

Oh, by the way, I was totally busted on the blog! Well, not totally, but almost. I was stupid and being on edge all the time didn't help. He came in the room during a break from the tables, while I was aproving some comments, and I imediately shut my laptop's lid, in a totally suspicious way. When I refused to tell him what I was doing, of course he thought I was cheating on him on Facebook or something and stormed out. So I ended up telling him the truth, that I keep a blog about our relationship and Poker and that's why I had been asking him lots of questions about his gaming habits lately and that's how I got him that book you guys advised me (Poker Winners are Different), etc. He didn't show much interest. I told him I'd rather not tell him the blog's name and he was apparently ok with it. I'm not surprised, since he hates reading and even though I have personal diaries hidden in drawers and such, that he knows about, he's never read them (to my knowledge). He always says he has better stuff to do with his time than snooping around my stuff. I believe him, because what I have written on those journals would make his head pop... if he'd read them, I'd know.

 

So.. what happens next? I don't know. I am now completely frustrated that I wasn't able to break up, but this doesn't mean I have the strength to get it done. I feel like I'm in a limbo of some sort. For now I'll try to relax and enjoy my days away from all that mess... What have I decided? You will tell me I'm only putting off the inevitable, and that might be so, but for now my decision was to wait 3 more months. Three more months of paying the rent and bills, so that he can continue playing without touching his bankroll. He's been going deep on a lot of tourneys... I still have hope he wins a first place and recovers at least his 5K. When that happens, I might tell him to leave, because I won't feel so guilty about "kicking him out" and we'll both have a chance to start from zero, apart.

 

I'm still hoping for a miracle, I know. Meanwhile, I'll focus on being happy, for me, and making myself happy. As I've read in one of many articles I follow, I can:

End a codependent relationship not by focusing on separating from the other person, but by reconnecting with who you are.

Let's see how it goes.


xoxo
Andrea

a quick note

Just letting you know things are a bit chaotic in my head and heart right now, but I'm ok. After another terrible x-mas I made a decision, but I will write more when things develop a little, I'm still figuring out how to do what I have to do. Yes, I mean breaking up with Josh.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

working on acceptance

Hi everyone, things have been quite good this week, as they usually are after a big fight. Josh is still playing and going deep on tables, but no major final tables so far, he's finishing up in the final 100, final 40, it depends. But December is still halfway ahead of us and I'm hopeful.

 

Our last fight had at least one positive outcome: I've decided to stop obsessing about my problem. I was looking at this relationship from a million different angles, like I was testing a bug or trying to solve a Rubik's cube, and there's really no point in that. It is what it is. For now Josh is still more important in my life that out of it and I have to stop fighting that, it's exausting and meaningless.

 

So I'm focusing more on myself (also therapy-wise), on listening to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day and even trying remembering stuff in my childhood that I totally blocked out. No success there so far.

 

The day after our fight I went to my parents' house (I didn't tell them what happened) and my mom was talking to me for an hour, complaining about my step-dad. I love my step dad and I think their relationship is great, they do stuff together, he's sweet to her, he buys her gifts, he helps around the house... but my mom sees it differently. She was complaining that she can't tell him anything or he'll start with the "I'm always the one to blame" speech and that he doesn't help her enough around the house (I think he does), or that she feels unloved because he doesn't make her feel special.

 

Her complaints, making absolutely no sense to me (but I didn't tell her this, I listened and supported her, obviously), are 100% real and painful to her. This made me wonder about how much of my complaints could be perceived differently by another person. And ultimately, if I should work a little on acceptance as well - since I want to stay with Josh, for now, that is. I mean, it makes sense to try and not get mad about everything all the time (he didn't pick up after himself, he isn't paying me enough attention, he didn't shave and is always with his beanie on and looks like a bum, he doesn't pay his bills, etc etc). 

 

I think I need this now. Trying to relax and focus on myself, not getting upset over little things and over things I cannot change for now (leaving Josh). Acceptance of myself and of him. For now. Yep.

 

 

Hope you guys are ok, I wish you all the best.

 

xoxo

Andrea

one day at a time

Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight.

 

I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.

 

Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.

 

Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

Hope you guys are doing good!

 

xoxo

Andrea

PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)

the sh** has hit the fan

This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.

 

It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.

 

So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.

 

That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually his (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.

 

It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case. 

 

My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.

 

Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?

 

I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

the bargain

Alright, so yesterday Josh made me a counter-offer to see if we could continue our relationship in a way that would satisfy us both: for him this means not working, for me not feeling used. These were the terms of the deal.

 

On my part, everything would continue as we decided in September:

 

- I would pay the house expenses on my own (water, electricity and gas - we don't pay for cable TV, phones or Internet because I work for the company) - about 100 euros total (meaning I'd be giving him 50 euros)

- I would pay his bank loan monthly (125 euros)

- I would give him 20 euros a week (80 euros)

 

This is a total of about 250 euros worth of help.

 

He would:

 

- Do everything in the house for me, including: cooking, cleaning, laundry and walking the dog for me every single day - this sounded immediately good because I hate walking the dog on weekdays (we currently take turns walking the dog and I usually don't feel like doing it);

 

- The 20 euros a week could only be used to do things together as a couple, or for him to go out with his friends in case I want to stay home, but never for things that are exclusively his, like supplements; - this is also better, because the previous deal implied that if I wanted to do something with Josh, I'd have to pay even more, since he used those 20/week to do stuff for himself. So I was paying him 80 a month + any other cash spent in "couples stuff".

 

- He would continue to pay for his own food;

 

- I would only pay for the stuff above mentioned until he was able to recover some of his bankroll and, as it grew (supposedly), I would gradually pay less and less, until we would finally distribute our expenses equally.

 

 

 

He made a convincing point on how this was a way for us to be together and how he's not with me just because of what I can offer him, but also because he loves me, or else he wouldn't put up with my mood swings or indecisions or pressures or even try to change things to accomodate me.

 

So... basically now I'm thinking and looking inside to see if this would be ok with me or if the alternative (giving up and get separated) would be better. The main question is.. are these things worth my 250 euros? Do they balance themselves out? Is he working enough for me to feel good, to be worthy of my help?

 

It's tempting, because the deal seems now a little more balanced my way. But it's still a "deal", an "arrangement", a "sacrifice" of my finances... of course he'd also sacrifice by doing all that stuff... so the thing is trying to realize if I'd have good quality of life with this arrangement, or if I'd be going against my wants and needs again, by accepting it.

 

Must think about it... I am inclined to accept, because I don't want the relationship to end, but I'm not sure if that is reason enough, or if I'm just being co-dependent again. :(

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

first step

Ok, so yesterday I was reading a lot about codependecy and learned a few important things, very life-changing stuff. There were two major lessons for me:

 

A codependent relationship automatically ends when you develop a healthy, working relationship with your anger (in other words, yourself) and use that relationship as a springboard for creating and maintaining sound personal boundaries that protect you.

 

And

 

When you listen to your anger, form a bond with it, and work with it constructively — you naturally pay more attention to your boundaries or lack of them. And you set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself.

 

And guess what? That kind of behavior is the complete opposite of codependency.

 

 

Read the whole thing HERE. (I just realized that angerisagift gained a whole new meaning for me hahaha)

 

So... I decided to set the boundary that is really missing in my relationship with Josh: to stop giving him or lending him money, since that is what makes me feel used and overall bad.

 

Along with it, I decided not to repress my anger anymore, which is something I constantly do with Josh. I feel violated, I push the feeling away; I feel used, I push it away; I feel deceived, I ignore it; I feel manipulated, I silence it. No. I have to stop doing this, I have to set and respect my own boundaries, I have to allow myself to get angry at what he does to me.

 

Baby steps. Yesterday I went home and explained to Josh that, since I have very little money available this month (actually I just got paid on the 20th and my balance is already below zero), I couldn't give him the 100 dollars we had agreed on (so he could go out with his friends or so). I told him he didn't have to clean the house, because I couldn't pay him. He didn't take it well.

 

He started accusing me of joining the gym and getting another tattoo done (I'm getting it on the 16th of November, so I need to save up some of my already out of balance account) and messing with our agreement. I told him I was sorry but I just wasn't feeling ok with our arrangement at all and had to put my needs first, even if they were just going to the gym or getting a tattoo. (Because I can afford those things, if I don't have a leach attached to my bank account.)

He then told me that he wouldn't clean or do any cooking for me (even though I am still paying for his bank loan and all the bills - I just cut him off on the extra 100 dollars). And he said that this way he wouldn't have any money to take me out or do fun stuff and I'd get bored. And that I was ruining everything. And that I ruined his dreams because I forced him to withdraw money from PokerStars more than he should have (to pay me what he owed me thoughout the year).

 

I kept my ground, apologized for the inconvenience, but kept my ground and told him he should also prepare for the day when I'd stop giving him/lending him money altogether, because that day is near. He was very upset and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, not this morning, when I got up and he went to bed.

 

I feel sad, but this is necessary. If he loves me he'll find a way for us to be together without making me feel used, right? I hope I wasn't too harsh on him.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

ramblings from a crazy person

That would be me.

 

I've been talking to some friends about our situation and am getting more and more convinced that there's no other way to go but to leave Josh. Everyone agrees, even his closest friends. They actually offered their house for me to stay (to me, not Josh, which is funny but also sad) for some time if I decide to leave and have to give him a month or so to move out of my house. Maybe he doesn't need that much time, but I don't want to make things harder than they already are.

 

Things at home are a little bit better, but only because I chose not to think about anything. Yesterday I was able to tell him that maybe we'd have to get separated, which doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, but that things just aren't working for me. He was... very agreeable. Maybe he was just being nice to keep things from falling apart, I don't know.

 

Last week my therapist told me that she didn't think I was ready to make the decision of breaking up yet and I should take it easy, or it could be more than I can handle and lead me straight back to him. So.. yeah.

 

Meanwhile I went to see a psychic (this is ridiculous) to see if I could get some clarity and the result was.. good, I guess. This lady had already talked to spirits for Josh and had told him several things that seemed true, like he was the destructive force in our relationship and had to change and so on. She also told him that we had already been together in another life and were trying to set things right on this one. This actually affected me a little bit (I believe such things), but after talking to her last weekend, I felt I have nothing to worry about. I was worrying that I had to pay my dues to Josh for something I'd done in another life, and that I might have to live with him and help him all my life to set things right or something.

 

But after talking to her, I didn't feel she was for real. She had no real message for me other than the obvious things that anyone who knows Josh and doesn't want us to break up (she's a friend of Josh's grandmother) could tell me. She told me I should look into myself and respect myself and that if I wanted to keep Josh I had to treat him like a child (she even mentioned an allowance), that I had to teach him to behave and not let him manipulate me. She told me she wasn't seeing any breakup soon and that he would eventually quit playing poker, but not now. I didn't believe much of it, although I will do what she told me regarding respecting myself and all that.

 

I bought another book online about Codependency that might help me. Supposedly if I found the inner strenght to stop Josh from manipulating/hurting me, I wouldn't even have to leave him, because the relationship could turn into a healthy one. If I changed, he'd be forced to change as well, or we'd part naturally. In theory.

 

And that's all for now... do you believe in psychics? Have you used those services to get peace of mind or even to help you in the game? :) I usually watch Long Island Medium and that show just blows my mind! Is she for real?

 

Hope all is well with you guys.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

just a small update

Hello everyone, I caught a bad cold and have been in bed, I haven't been able to update or answer your questions. I'm actually fed up with thinking about all this. But I will find the time to go over his stats related questions you asked, specifically Pokerdogg's.

 

Things around the house have been pretty much the same, lots of tension mixed with peaceful periods. Josh hasn't been playing on account of his bad luck (well, he restarted yesterday). And I haven't had the patience to think about it.

 

We argue a lot, he still believes that because we're a couple I should "hang in there" while things go wrong, and pay for some extra things so we can keep a lifestyle that makes me happy (like movies, restaurant dinners and stuff), that he can't afford now, but will pay me back later when his luck improves.

 

I still believe I've given him enough and have actually started looking for a place to move, if it comes to that. I have a couple of friends that can take me in if I decide to break up with Josh. Kicking him out would be too dramatic and I don't want to go through it, I'd rather move out, give him a couple of months to go wherever he chooses to, and then return to my home.

 

It was my birthday the other day and he (again) made me feel bad. He went to his gym and was late to my birthday dinner with my family... oh and he only gave me my birthday present the next day, even though he had it at the house earlier. Me and my dad think all this is related to his past (he had a terrible childhood), because every year is the same: he always acts like my birthday is something completely unimportant and as if I had to be taught that. That's why he doesn't give me presents "on time" and despises any family events we organize. He has trouble dealing with family stuff, actually. I don't know if I told you his whole story yet... I believe not. Maybe on my next post. 

 

Meanwhile I found a broadcasting service (Justin.tv) I can use one of these days to show my face and answer some questions if you like to be 100% certain I am who I claim to be.

 

Hope things get better soon.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

threats and more threats

Hi guys. I'm a bit upset today.

 

Josh and I were talking just now, he was complaining about his bad luck and told me that if things go on like this he'll have to leave my house. I asked him where to, he said he didn't know, just leave. Actually his exact words were "when my bankroll dries out, I definatelly will not work at a store... and you won't support me, so I'll leave, just go somewhere".

 

I told him that if that is the case, maybe he should start building an education, take some courses or something, while he still has money, so he can later pursue a "normal" job. He immediately said no. He said that entering the market at 30 years old and earning $1000 was out of the question. So I told him "well, fine, at least you're aware of your situation". And that was that.

 

He believes that the problem in his life isn't Poker and the fact he doesn't win anything, but me and the "pressures" or "influences" as he puts it, that my presence implies. He believes that if he moves somewhere else he will be able to save a lot more, because I make him spend money. This is ludicrious to me, but what can I say? I mean, I'm paying all the bills from now on (and until now I helped him pay and he paid me back later), I pay my half of the food, I pay him an extra $25 a week for him to do whatever he wants. He speaks as if I was like a little tempting voice inside his head telling him to go eat beef every week or go out drinking every two weeks or spend his money unwisely.

 

Besides, he blames my father for raising false hopes regarding the antique business. He bough a few things and now claims he was wasting money based on the false idea my dad gave him (that the business would go just fine). Damn... is it me, or is he not taking responsibility for his choices?

 

I think I have nothing to apologize regarding my lifestyle. I've always tried to save money, since I was a kid. I usually don't indulge in stupid spendings, and even when I do, I pay my credit cards entirely every month, without interest fees. I don't eat at fancy restaurants and I certainly don't force Josh to do so. I think he's just angry for losing so much and is blowing off steam with these threats of leaving me.

 

Maybe he expects me to say that I will support him no matter what, that I will accept my "blame" for making him spend money he shouldn't have from his bankroll (the bankroll I provided him with) and give him back those 2K (or so), so he can get back on track. But I feel like he's always trying to get back on track. And my patience isn't the same as it was a year ago.

 

So... yeah, if he decides to leave, if he convinces himself of the preposterous idea that I'm responsible for his life choices and his finantial situation, I'll have to let him go. I just have to.

PS: I will try to post his Hold'em Manager stats as soon as I have a few alone moments in the house, so you can get a better idea of how he's doing at Poker.

minor update

Just telling you I'm still here and things are going ok so far. I've just finnished eating my first Josh-cooked-lunch and it was pretty good! He's keeping his side of the bargain so far (yeah I know it's still day one, but I guess it's a good indication that he will at least try).

 

Hmm there are some doubts about my blog being real or not (one of you said I was a man), so I thought of giving you the best proof I can. This:

Unless you think I'm a transvestite or that this is all some elaborate plot and I borrowed a co-worker's hand (or even severed a female hand, who knows), you'll know I'm a woman. Got my nails done last saturday.

 

I won't take offence on those who say I'm just seeking attention, because that is true, I would like to be read by women in the same situation as mine, share stories and don't feel as alone with my decisions, as I sometimes do. If you know anyone like this, please send them my way. Meanwhile, as long as I think this is a positive experience that might help me and others, I'll keep writing from time to time.

 

This whole thing with Josh cooking and cleaning for me might turn out pretty well, I mean, it's cool to have this done for me (even if I pay the bills in return) and all my female colleagues think it's awesome. Even my best friend, who "hates" Josh, thought this was a good idea and was surprised he agreed to  it. So.. yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo
Andrea

dreams and fears

I don't know what happened to all those Poker Wives who just disappeared from the blogosphere after writing a couple of posts, but I better keep writing. Nothing special to say today... me and Josh have been apart for 2 weeks, he's been at his beach house (I'm writing this and thinking "yeah, this sounds bad", so I'll add) he's got his computer with him and has been playing (or so he claims).

 

He'll be back tomorrow and I'm getting a little anxious about how things will work out with our new "stay-at-home-husband" arrangement. I'm not sure how I'll feel, if I will still feel used or if we'll reach some kind of balance.

 

I'm also anxious about his trip back home and that something might happen to him. This sounds crazy, but I have these worries from time to time, that something might happen and he'll die from a freak accident or something. I read somewhere that women have this kind of "worrying gene" or worrying part of their brains, which makes us worry about stupid things, while men can live their lives much more peacefully. This sucks.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been commenting or even emailing me with advice. I've come to the conclusion that if I'm going through this with Josh is not because I don't know what I'm doing, but because I believe he has a chance. And for now I'd rather live with a successful poker player than with a McDonald's employee (no offence, it's just a personal choice). I know things can go seriously wrong, but they can also go extremely well.

 

And I want to see him go through whatever difficulties he has to and then come out clean on the other side. I want to be able to tell people "hey, he's done it, he finally had a great couple of years, he paid me back everything he owed and is now making some serious money on the bankroll he alone put together". Or "hey, I followed my heart and ended up choosing the right guy after all and we're happy". Or "hey, miracles do happen!". You get the point.

 

Just dreams for now.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

the little voice inside us all

Well, I had a very interesting session today at therapy and thought about sharing some of my conclusions with you. Kind of weird, because therapy is supposed to be private, but since I'm using this blog to get my ideas straight, I guess it will help me (and, who knows, maybe other people too).

I've been feeling like a rag doll lately, being pulled in one direction and another every time I hear (or read) a comment about my situation. Only one of you noticed (or at least commented on it) that I seemed happy with my new arrangement with Josh, until I listened to my parents' opinion and became miserable again. After going over this on therapy, I realized (well, admitted) that I was having difficulty listening to my own voice among all this external noise. I'm not saying your comments (or my parents' opinion) are mere noise, but everything must be put in its rightful place and, in this and many other cases, our personal voice must be the one to speak loudest.

I still want you to know I value your opinion. Let me give you an example: once me and Josh got back together, my cousin freaked out on me. She called me stupid and said I'd spend the rest of my life hitting my head against a wall and never learn anything. It was very hurtful, but I understand why she said it. She only wanted the best for me, as I believe you do, for me as for any other human being. So even if I sound hurt when answering your comments (and I probably am), I know where you're coming from and I respect that. I hope you can keep respecting me and my choices.

What do I really want? As I've written before, I want to be happy with Josh. This may sound ludicrous to the majority of you, but remember: you are reading my partial story, miles and miles away from me, from a completely rational standpoint. I also have that rationality in me. It's the little voice that tells me "watch out, you're gonna get burned in the end!". But, I do have an emotional side, as I'm sure you all do. The question is how much credit do you give that voice and how often do you listen to it, if ever.

According to my therapist, many of us who are most miserable in life, and become addicted to drugs, alcohol or anti-depressants (she works with recovering addicts on a daily basis, just in case you're regarding this as psychological mumbo-jumbo) are those who disregarded their emotions too often -  in other words, the ones who don't follow their hearts, for several reasons, such as fear of failure, fear of suffering or simply peer pressure. 

I believe it takes strength to listen to your heart and be brave enough to go against the world for what you believe in. This blog is called Wives of Poker (Poker Wives was already taken :P), not "Ex Wives of Poker" or "How I booted my leech-boyfriend". I named it like this for a reason: I want to be as happy as I possibly can with my poker playing husband (well, he's my boyfriend, but I'm devoted to him as if we were married, as you might have noticed). I was looking for women in the same position that could help, because I'm willing to make some adjustments in my life to make it work. To a certain degree of course!

In the past, I was very unhappy with Josh. To be totally honest with you, I was. Not because of Poker though - but simply because I didn't feel loved (maybe I'll tell you that story in another post). Two years ago, I started being  happy with Josh, when he came back and started treating me well. I experienced the most memorable moment of my life with Josh: the moment he came back to me, when I was missing him so terribly that I fell into depression and went from 132 to 116 pounds in one month.

Now, things have gotten better and better and I am happy.. not completely, or this blog wouldn't exist, but I started writing when we were going through some tough times... I should start a new one called "Happy Moments with Poker Playing Husbands". Anyway, I have faith in Josh. How can this be?? Because I'm stupid?? No. It's because I'm in love. Not blindly in love, sickly in love, going over my own feelings in love, disrespecting my desires in love. Just in love, and still hopeful.

You say that if I leave Josh I will go through the grieving process in no time and be as good as new soon. I know, in my heart, that today that isn't true. It might be, in a few months, if my heart tells me I've had enough. Or not. You can come at me with your Nostradamus comments and tell my I'm damned to hell if I continue following this path. But my heart disagrees, today. Tomorrow... well, that's another day.

As long as I feel OK with a situation, even if its socially unusual or even unacceptable to some people, such as me providing for my husband instead of the other way around, I'll keep following this path. The day my heart feels disrespected, I'll change directions, I know I will (and my therapist is there to make sure I'm not in denial if that starts happening and I ignore it). 

Finally, I have a question for you, that I ask you to consider carefully. I know that in America there are many "stay-at-home-moms", a concept we don't have much around here. How would you feel if your stay-at-home-wife would play Poker and asked you for money to play (as long as it didn't jeopardize your finances), if she was doing 400 dollars a month on it? 

This might make you reconsider my position, or not. It doesn't matter. What's important is that I respect my own feelings and, for now, Josh is more valuable in my life than out of it. 

Thank you for reading this long post.

Much love and luck at the tables. And for all of you Poker Wives out there, I'm still waiting for your visit.

xoxo

Andrea

whys

I understand that reading my blog can become exasperating for some people, who believe I'm being unnable to do the easiest and more logical thing on earth. I imagine you reading this and thinking "how can she be so dumb?!"... but there's nothing I can do about it (apart from following your advice, if and when I'm ready).

Yesterday I watched a show called "Who The **** Did I Marry" where a 40 year-old lady married this australian guy that robbed her of like 250 thousand dollars on fake business trips in which he was actually meeting other women. I identified with her a lot, although my case isn't that bad. And it felt a little easier knowing that even a 40 year old woman can go through something like this.

But what I wanted to say is that, as she said, people who have never been in a relationship like this can't understand how someone can tolerate certain things. Keep that in mind. Basically I'm asking you to go easy on me... and sorry for not being, yet, able to "grow up". I'm working on it, everyday. Thank you for reading and for all the support.

Oh, for those who asked, I'm from Europe, from a country who is experiencing one of the worst financial crises. Our unemployment rate is at 20%. Our minnimum wage is 600 dollars (McDonald's, cleaning, security guards...) and, on average, someone my age and education (like young lawyers, architects, designers,...) earns like 1000 dollars. I earn 1700 dollars a month, not the 1200 I was saying (been doing the math and I was wrong sorry!).

Now, the scheduled post:

Hi there, finally got some spare time to write.

In response to grrouchie serge, who bothered to write a full post explaining how his life works (thank you): no I’m not related to Stephen King haha, but I do love the author and that’s exactly why I chose this surname (I also thought King would be a fairly common surname in the States). If you work and you play poker as a hobby, that’s great and that’s what I was hoping Josh to do. The problem is.. well, I’ll explain it in a moment.

My point when creating this blog wasn’t to whine about my miserable life and get sympathy from strangers, or even to get the necessary encouragement to leave Josh. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of encouragement from everyone I know over the years. I know that is the most obvious answer to our problems: just leave, go your separate ways, move on with your lives. That is also the most difficult thing to do, when you are in love with someone. My goal with this blog was to raise questions and start discussions that could lead to reasonable and original ideas on how I could continue living with the man I love. And the poker players’ (and their wives) community looked like the best place to do it, since it would gather pro and against-poker opinions.

I could give you a list of reasons why I love Josh, or why I think it’s worth to fight for this relationship, but you’d certainly be bored to death. Besides, some of those reasons are unexplainable by words, as I believe you know, if you love someone. What I mean is, I thank and respect all of your comments (and agree, when I put my heart aside), but I can’t be “reasoned with” into leaving Josh. It’s impossible.

So, I’ll give you some facts, plain and simple, that justify (to my belief) Josh’s choices and provide what I consider to be a valid argument for me not to feel “offended” enough to just dump him:

• Josh didn’t go to college, so he can only do “minor” jobs like working at McDonald’s or so.
• Minor jobs here don’t pay more than 600 dollars (full time) and 300 (part time) a month.
• He hates minor jobs, he worked in several of them since he was 18, until starting his full time Poker activity (yes, I care about what he likes or hates).
• Josh makes 450 dollars playing Poker, which is only about 150 less than if he was working full time on something he hated.
• He says he has a chance of making his stash grow if he doesn’t have to withdraw too much every month, and we will see about that...
• He feels Poker is his best chance at a good life in this country, given his education and working experience. He could work as a security guard, standing 12 hours on the same spot every day and make 600 dollars for the rest of his life, or he could try his best playing online and make his money grow. - This is how he sees it.
• He is still committed to working the antique’s business with my dad and try and make an extra 100 whenever he sells pieces (he loves antiques).

This is, from a cold, rational standpoint, why I “tolerate” him, as you might put it.  The way I see it, if I earn 1700 a month, I can accept to take 200 and pay our bills and his loan, giving him time to make his money grow while not forcing him to withdraw more from his Poker account. In exchange, he’ll clean and cook every day, as I said, allowing me to let the cleaning lady go (and saving me money).

Strangely as it may seem, I can live with that... if, of course, he lives up to his part. Do you think it’s a fair deal? I'll tell you about our progress as the time goes by. I already have a big post scheduled for tomorrow.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Andrea

feeling numb

Hello, this is the second scheduled post I mentioned. Wrote this 3 days ago. I must admit that, after reading all your comments, I was ashamed. Ashamed of my naivety, stubbornness, and probably delusional hopes. I was on the verge of deleting all my future posts, but decided against it. I'm keeping this honest and real, it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

I just got home from my vacations and my head feels like a drum. On the last night of our vacations, Josh and I went out to dinner (I paid) and had a conversation about how we could manage things. 

Long story short, I told him I would be ok with helping him one more time, as long as he did something for me. We could act as if he was unemployed - I'd help him out, but he would have to help around the house on a daily basis and clean the whole house once a week so I wouldn't have to pay for a cleaning lady as I've been doing so far (we have a dog in the apartment and I can't deal with a dirty home).

He was ok with it, he said he would clean up every wednesday and would also cook me dinner every day, and in exchange I'd pay for his bank loan and would pay all the bills. (He would continue to pay for his food.) I was quite surprised, I was expecting this cleaning house thing would harm his masculinity, but it turns out it didn't.

Then he put something else on the table: he asked me if I would also pay for like 2 dinners out between him and friends (I could also go along, of course) every month (40 dollars total), if he would prepare a special diet and exercise plan for me and if he'd cook all my meals, including those I would then take to work. As I mentioned earlier he's like a gym enthusiast and has a special diet for himself, and I wouldn't mind trying it as well. He then raised the bar for 4 dinners (80 dollars a month). So... 80 dollars plus his 125 loan plus 100 dollar bills every month. I thought, since I earn around 1200 a month it'd be ok.

But.. today I came home and talked to my parents about it, and they say this is terrible. They claim it's terrible that Josh isn't capable of looking for a job, even if that means he'll lose me (when we have bad fights about money he refuses to get a job and invites me to find some other guy who will do that for me). It's terrible that he has to ask for money in return of simple favors that should come naturally from his life choices - for instance, since he's at home all day, my parents think it would be perfectly natural for him to clean the house once a week, and even cook me dinner if necessary, free of charge. It's terrible that he's keeping me from having a normal family. And finally, they say it's terible that I don't do anything about it, just continue to help him and accept everything.

I'm drained. All these words sunk into me and now I feel terrible. I don't know what I want anymore. I mean, I want to be happy. With Josh. I want to help Josh, but I don't want to be a sucker in this relationship! I earn twice what he makes. Is my decision to help him out, by paying some bills, while he does things for me in return, an immature decision? Or is it just not the perfect relationship, that my parents wish I had, but it's still acceptable?

I've always been very confused and insecure about my personal decisions and I've always counted on my parents' guidance, so knowing that they're not behind me on this scares me shitless. A pitiful little girl, you may think, but... I'm just being totally honest here.

xoxo

Andrea