some good news

Hey everone, good news today! Josh's family agreed to give him his share of the inheritance without involving the court. I was surprised, I thought they'd put up a fight. So, soon he'll have 15K to start his antique business and to pay expenses without having to withdraw money from his Poker account. Yay!

I won't have to pay bills or the food alone, but our deal still stands regarding him doing all the house chores and me paying for his bank loan (120 euros a month). This will only stand until the business kicks off and he's able to pay for everything he's due. And it's also for him to get used to having the money. I don't know. Actually I don't know why he doesn't start paying for everything on his own right now, but I think it's because he needs that crutch (me) to feel safe. I guess it won't kill me to help him make a smooth transition into independency/adulthood. Yes, I know how this sounds.

Anyway these are the news, I'm happy but also a little scared about the future. What if he decides to spend more than he should at the tables? What if the business doesn't prosper? What if these 15K act like a band-aid in a gun-shot wound? Letting him keep up with a lazy lifestyle for another 2 years or so, and ruining my dreams in the process? Yep, those are my concerns.

But, as usual, I'm taking a leap of faith and hope for the best. It's his call, his responsibility. I'll stick around, while I can.

xoxo

Andrea

looking back

Just came back from a painful conversation with my parents and though of updating this. My step-dad told me lots of things about Josh and how he's getting himself into a trap with Poker and failing to invest in a real future... and he analyzed Josh's reasons to do so, on a "psychological level".

 

I agreed with everything and I asked him to do that very same analysis with me: why, knowing all that I know and have experienced with Josh, am I still with him? He told me he thought my problem is that I'm unable to deal with loss. That's why I always find ways to stay in the relationship, to adjust and adapt to Josh, even if I see no future with him and am unhappy with him. It's always better to be with him than without, because I simply cannot handle loss. That was his opinion and he told me I should treat it in therapy (although he doesn't believe in therapists).

 

He also thinks that this problem either comes from the loss of my father or from the fact I was kept in a hospital for over a year when I was just two years old, without seeing my parents regularly.

 

During this conversation, my mother was particularly pissed with the fact that I can't bring myself to end it with Josh, or to force him to change, and she said I must be pretty incompetent, because she always found ways to get my father (and step-dad) to do what she wanted. This made me sad. Then I lashed back at her saying that she might have changed my real dad, but they were still completely miserable together. She agreed but she said she only continued the marriage because I was born and my real dad threatned her that if she left him, I would never set my eyes on him again. What a douchebag. My real dad was a horrible, horrible dad and a worse husband, I wish my step dad was my real dad and I wish I didn't spend a minute of my childhood with that asshole.

 

So... yeah, it seems I'm getting somewhere. Loss issues. Facing the fact that "daddy didn't love me" and he used me to force my mom not to leave (he had already been abandoned by his ex, who cheated on him and left him). Bah, fucking pathetic. But at least I know where to turn now.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

the fat lady didn't sing yet

Hello everyone, hope your weekend was nice, mine started off good, but ended up like crap. It had been a while since me and Josh had a big fight, so, naturaly, it had to happen. I'm at home now, couldn't go to work because I cried so much last night that I look like a monster this morning.

 

We started arguing because I told him I was sick of him not paying any attention to me and not investing in our relationship, because for the past month he's either playing Poker or sleeping. This led to an argument about my needs not being met and his needs as well. Or I should say "need",  because he only complains of one thing: sex (or lack of).

 

My attention needs don't make sense to him because I did exactly the same to him while I was working away from our house: I was too tired and unavailable to spend time with him and even kept meeting my friends although we had little or no time together as a couple. He believes I'm never satisfied with anything, I complain if he doesn't play enough and then I complain if he plays too much, I'm never happy and women in general are impossible to please.

 

For his part, I don't accept his sexual complaints because we always have sex at least once a week, and I feel like if I don't initiate it it's because he doesn't make me want to do it. I feel used in this relationship, for being his financial support, and even though he supports me in other levels, I still feel it's not enough. So... initiating sex doesn't come naturaly to me because I feel like I'm already "giving enough" and he has to try harder to get it (like being romantic, a better partner in house tasks, or, most importantly, being self-sufficient financially). Basically I've become turned-off by our problems and by his personality/life style.

 

So... he said he couldn't live with someone who felt like this, "turned off" by him, he was tired of always trying to set things right and never being enough and he was leaving. He packed, again. And I didn't stop him, I was trying to do the "right thing" for me.

 

But after 4 hours (he said he'd leave in the morning) of crying and talking and fighting, I couldn't hold on anymore. I kept saying that I didn't want him to go for a while, but meaning to let him go, I was like "yeah, we love eachother but this is not working, it's best that we part ways" and blabla. But then it was too much for me to handle. I said I didn't want him to leave and really meant it. In the end I didn't have to beg him or anything, he didn't want to leave either. So... yeah, he stayed. And dependency won.

 

It's sad for me to admit this, but it's an eye opener too. This really is like any other addiction. I was all strong and saying to myself "I won't stop him, I wish he'd just leave, I can't live like this anymore" but the truth is I'm not ready yet. It is arguable whether or not I'll ever be ready. But this is what I know: the pain of separation that I felt last night isn't natural. And it is even less natural when we observe the relationship at hand. Getting separate from Josh should be, not easy, because there are memories and feelings involved, but definately not this hard. It's like I'm in the hospital again and my parents are leaving me there again. Or it's like I'm finding out my father just died again. It is a primal, childish, desperate pain, that makes me curl up in a ball in the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out. Not normal. So... treating codependency is the only way. Yes. It is. Last night's experience only made this belief stronger.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

 

the most important question you can ask

Hello! I read a very interesting article (click to read it all) about the things we want in life and how our perspective on them is actually wrong, I thought of sharing it with you.

 

According to the author, to become a fully accomplished person, we got used to asking ourselves a question - what do I really want in life? - and then lead our lives in a way that somehow would result in succeeding at those goals.

 

The thing is, answering that question doesn't get us anywhere. Our answers will always be something like to "live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room." Which basically means nothing and will only contribute to make us feel like loosers for the most part.

So, the alternative would be starting to ask ourselves another question - what pain do I want to sustain in life (in order to achieve certain goals?). What are we willing to do or put up with, in order to achieve this or that? That is the million dollar question and can really change our lives.

An example from the article:

 

"If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.

 

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all."

 

Since I'm searching for what I really want as part of the therapy process, this was a good exercise for me. When it comes to my relationship the (painfully) real answer is "I want to be with Josh, I am willing to have arguments regularly regarding his bad habits at home, I'm able to sustain the stress of living with a man who doesn't bring money home regularly, I want to feel nervous and sad every other day, I wish to doubt my future and get frequent stomach aches, I'm willing not to ever have children to stay with Josh, if I have to, I am able to wait for him to become what I need forever, even if that means waking up someday and be an old woman that no other man will want, I am ok with giving him an allowance so he can pursue his dreams and hopefully become what I wish him to be."

 

Hm... yeah. I know it's bad. But it's reality and I have to deal with it. I mean, do I really want these pains? Not really, but since that's what I have to put up with in order to be with Josh, the answer is yes, I really want them. For now. Hopefully my therapy and building my selfesteem will change my answer a bit.

 

When it comes to playing poker, thinking about Josh, I think his real answer wouldn't be "I want to be a successful poker player", but it had to be something like "I want to play poker and deal with months of insecurity, bad beats and coolers, I want to put my relationship at stake, I want to spend many sleepless nights playing and most of my days watching videos on Youtube to improve my game. I want to spend years trying to accomplish something even if it means reaching the age of 40 empty handed and with no job perspectives." I wonder if he'd really answer this, if he's aware of this... I guess I'll ask him later.

 

What about you? What do you really want in life? What are the pains you want in your life?

 

Have a nice weekend!

 

xoxo
Andrea

no means no?

Hello everyone. Just keeping the blog alive here. Things at home have been peaceful for a week (wow), Josh is spending lots of time playing the Micro Millions thing, yesterday he entered a 21 thousand people tournament and won 200 dollars, he played for 6 hours and got to the final 200 players. It was a little frustrating because I was secretly hoping he'd go further and, who knows, win the 15K first prize (that would be awesome), but... yeah.

 

He said he was going to change his strategy a bit and start playing MTTs (he only played Sit and Gos for the last year), from now on. This is somewhat "refreshing" to me, because I always thought he should play MTTs. Not that I know what I'm talking about, but I figure that if he can pay like 8 dollars to win 15K, he should try it from time to time, even if it's a long shot. He always said it wasn't a good idea because the game doesn't work based on "long shots", but on long term persistency and repetition, which means he might have to play dozens of MTTs to make sure he'd win something decent and he couldn't risk his bankroll like that.

 

Now, after seeing that he has gone far in several tournaments, he got his confidence up a little, and decided he's going to play more of it. Not sure if he plans on stopping SNG, but I don't think so and I hope not, I think he should play both to keep things balanced.

 

 

Now, regarding our relationship... What happened last time we had a huge fight was a small victory for me (not giving in, making him buy his pills and pick up the Dog License for me), but unfortunately, for boundaries to be deeply set, they must be tested, and those tests happen when we disagree, have a fight and I stand my ground (or not). So, I passed my first test. The problem is that sometimes fights don't happen often enough (ridiculous, but please understand) and this tends to make me "softer" which in consequence makes it more difficult to keep my boundaries when the next altercation arrives.

 

I was talking to my mom about this the other day. Her reaction was the same as many of yours: it can't be that difficult to leave someone if you're not entirely happy with the person. I showed her the book I'd just bough (Codependency for Dummies) and explained to her that I've had this problem since my teens, that I spent my whole life saying yes to men when I really wanted to say no. I didn't get into many details (she's my mom), so I didn't mention anything sexual (which happened several times), but I did admit to her that I'd accepted a guy's request to be his girlfriend (when I was like 20) only not to upset  him, and then I got home and texted him saying I was sorry but I didn't want to be his girl after all. She was a bit shocked to know this, lol. I can tell you a dozen stories of situations when I said yes instead of no (with other men, not Josh), for a single reason: not to be unpleasant and create what would be an awkward situation for me.

 

So we talked about how this problem only happens when it comes to men, because I have no problem standing up for myself with women. And we talked a bit about my real dad and how he might have influenced me to become like this, since I was always trying to make him love me and he was very demanding and cold and always busy.

 

So... yeah, to answer those who accused my therapist of being a charlatan, I disagree completely. It's very simple, actually. Imagine you found out that the way you lived your entire life was wrong, unhealthy or even dangerous for you (and I've had more than one dangerous situation because of my inability to say NO, the worst being almost getting raped). Imagine you'd have to learn how to live differently. Do you think you'd be able to change a little chip in your brain and wake up a new person? No.

 

It takes time. It takes tests. This can last months or years, depending on the situation. I'm still coming to terms with the reality of my life: I have to change the way I lead my life. And this has to be done in small steps. First I say no to buying him pills, then I say no to having sex if I'm tired and don't feel like it, then I say no to getting his dinner on the way home just so he doesn't have to move, then I say no to doing just about anything that goes against my will. Simple... but difficult.

 

Hope you guys are ok.

 

xoxo

Andrea

one day at a time

Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight.

 

I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.

 

Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.

 

Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

Hope you guys are doing good!

 

xoxo

Andrea

PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)

a long update

Josh didn't leave. Obviously. And unfortunately. If he had left, my beliefs and personal confidence would still be intact. But as he didn't, he had a lot to tell me and that, besides hurting me, made a huge mess inside my head. Right now I'm totally confused and feel terrible, like a kid caught doing something bad. I'll try to explain his arguments as well as possible.

 

First a little background.

 

During 2012 I was caught in a situation with an abusive tenant - I rented a family house (which I later sold) to some... man, who never paid the rent, destroyed the interior of my house and, worse, left me with a debt of 700 euros - because electrical power and water supply were in my name. I had to pay bills he accumulated and had lots of trouble getting him to leave (he was living there with two kids without water or electricity, gross). Ultimately it was Josh who got him to leave, by showing up with some friends that apparently intimidated him.

 

I am now accused in the police of robbing my own house, because the... man, to get back at me, fabricated a story of me going in "his" house and leaving with several electrical supplies, gold and whatnot. Josh is one of my witnesses as to those are all lies, but the process is still pending.

 

But moving on. When I first rented the place I was conviced I'd get paid 300 euros monthly (a bargain, but our market is terrible now), so I increased my expenses:  joined an expensive gym and started having piano lessons. An extra 160 euros a month, that I didn't have because wasn't getting paid.

 

Later that year, I got into another situation, this time with a cat. I bough a Scottish Fold kitten from this... woman, that ended up dying just 12 days after. Besides the horrible experience of having the cutest kitten sick and dying in our house (and all the trouble it created, since I was at work all day and Josh had to take care of it), it was another disaster to my account. I remembered having 200 euros in my account and withdrawing 220 to pay for the kitten. It was a mistake. I paid for the cat (I bought it alone, Josh didn't go with me and didn't participate in this, I just called him and he said he was ok with it, if I wanted it) and I had to pay for the Vet and then to take the woman to court for selling me a sick kitten (she didn't want to give me my money back). I ended up spending about 600 euros in all this and only got 220 back.

 

Meanwhile, that was also when I got my arm tattoed and spent a total of 1250 euros in it, in about 4 months. So, during that year, I spent money I didn't really have and still did my life as usual - out to dinner, parties, some make-up, etc. During that time I was also helping Josh: lending him money for his expenses, that he later paid. We did this, as I said, until the summer of 2013 - I lended, he paid (my problem was that he didn't pay when I wanted him to).

 

As I said in a comment (and may have mentioned earlier) I have now over 70 thousand euros in savings, from selling that family house and so on. That money is safely stached in savings accounts that grant me small interest every year. Smaller than the inflation rate actually, which means I'm not winning anything, I'm just not losing as much as if the 70K were in my current account.

 

Josh's point of view is the following:

 

When I lended him the 5K, he was supposed to make it to SuperNova level in one year, but only if he would play certain stakes. This meant that he either had to win at the game, or couldn't withdraw money every month. Or else, he'd have to lower his stakes. Since he didn't win and I demanded him to withdraw money every month to pay for his expenses, although he made 4500 dollars, his bankroll went down to less than 2K.

 

So, if I had cut back on my expenses a little (since I was going through all those difficulties), I wouldn't feel as compelled to demand monthly payments (this is true, I admit to that), which wouldn't have caused him to lower his stakes and ultimately (along with the ridiculous bad luck he's had, according to the EV graph) made it impossible to reach SuperNova or to keep his bankroll.

 

In Josh's opinion, if I'd moved part of my barely profitable savings - let's say 5K - to my current account and had used it to help pay for my expenses along the year, I wouldn't have felt so stressed, wouldn't demand monthly payments (he'd pay me back everything by the end of the year) and none of this would have happened.

 

Regarding his hair loss pills, he said he didn't understand why I couldn't pay for them because his only issue is that he doesn't have money in his current account, only on his credit card (that receives his PokerStars withdrawals) and the pharmacy doesn't take credit card payments. So I'd pay for the pills and then he'd go to the supermarket and buy me 23 euros (their cost) worth of stuff, with his credit card.

 

He thought I was being extremelly selfish on this particular occasion (pills) and that I was always blaming him for my poor decisions regarding my money. He said he didn't know if he could live like this, so he was leaving as soon as he got a ride to go. His bag is packed. I seriously doubt he goes, because I know he still loves me (or, as you might ask, does he love my money?).

 

He also said my low self esteem is always causing me to doubt that he really loves me and making me think that he's only there for the money, but that's bull, because he knows he can survive on his own, even if not with the same quality he has with me. And that he's only trying to earn more money to please me (so we can have a family soon) because if it was only for him, he'd live with 400 a month and didn't give a damn.

 

This was basically it. My head feels like a drum and I had a bad day at work yesterday. I don't know what to think, but I must find out what I want. I didn't buy him the pills though, he asked his grandmother and she paid for it. I'll go to therapy later, which will be good. Got to get my thoughts together. I think he has a point, but I'm afraid to be manipulated. Maybe I'm crazy and a bit paranoid and can't believe he loves me for me. Maybe not.

 

Thanks for reading all this, appreciate it.

 

xoxo

Andrea

the sh** has hit the fan

This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.

 

It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.

 

So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.

 

That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually his (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.

 

It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case. 

 

My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.

 

Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?

 

I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

the bargain

Alright, so yesterday Josh made me a counter-offer to see if we could continue our relationship in a way that would satisfy us both: for him this means not working, for me not feeling used. These were the terms of the deal.

 

On my part, everything would continue as we decided in September:

 

- I would pay the house expenses on my own (water, electricity and gas - we don't pay for cable TV, phones or Internet because I work for the company) - about 100 euros total (meaning I'd be giving him 50 euros)

- I would pay his bank loan monthly (125 euros)

- I would give him 20 euros a week (80 euros)

 

This is a total of about 250 euros worth of help.

 

He would:

 

- Do everything in the house for me, including: cooking, cleaning, laundry and walking the dog for me every single day - this sounded immediately good because I hate walking the dog on weekdays (we currently take turns walking the dog and I usually don't feel like doing it);

 

- The 20 euros a week could only be used to do things together as a couple, or for him to go out with his friends in case I want to stay home, but never for things that are exclusively his, like supplements; - this is also better, because the previous deal implied that if I wanted to do something with Josh, I'd have to pay even more, since he used those 20/week to do stuff for himself. So I was paying him 80 a month + any other cash spent in "couples stuff".

 

- He would continue to pay for his own food;

 

- I would only pay for the stuff above mentioned until he was able to recover some of his bankroll and, as it grew (supposedly), I would gradually pay less and less, until we would finally distribute our expenses equally.

 

 

 

He made a convincing point on how this was a way for us to be together and how he's not with me just because of what I can offer him, but also because he loves me, or else he wouldn't put up with my mood swings or indecisions or pressures or even try to change things to accomodate me.

 

So... basically now I'm thinking and looking inside to see if this would be ok with me or if the alternative (giving up and get separated) would be better. The main question is.. are these things worth my 250 euros? Do they balance themselves out? Is he working enough for me to feel good, to be worthy of my help?

 

It's tempting, because the deal seems now a little more balanced my way. But it's still a "deal", an "arrangement", a "sacrifice" of my finances... of course he'd also sacrifice by doing all that stuff... so the thing is trying to realize if I'd have good quality of life with this arrangement, or if I'd be going against my wants and needs again, by accepting it.

 

Must think about it... I am inclined to accept, because I don't want the relationship to end, but I'm not sure if that is reason enough, or if I'm just being co-dependent again. :(

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

ramblings from a crazy person

That would be me.

 

I've been talking to some friends about our situation and am getting more and more convinced that there's no other way to go but to leave Josh. Everyone agrees, even his closest friends. They actually offered their house for me to stay (to me, not Josh, which is funny but also sad) for some time if I decide to leave and have to give him a month or so to move out of my house. Maybe he doesn't need that much time, but I don't want to make things harder than they already are.

 

Things at home are a little bit better, but only because I chose not to think about anything. Yesterday I was able to tell him that maybe we'd have to get separated, which doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, but that things just aren't working for me. He was... very agreeable. Maybe he was just being nice to keep things from falling apart, I don't know.

 

Last week my therapist told me that she didn't think I was ready to make the decision of breaking up yet and I should take it easy, or it could be more than I can handle and lead me straight back to him. So.. yeah.

 

Meanwhile I went to see a psychic (this is ridiculous) to see if I could get some clarity and the result was.. good, I guess. This lady had already talked to spirits for Josh and had told him several things that seemed true, like he was the destructive force in our relationship and had to change and so on. She also told him that we had already been together in another life and were trying to set things right on this one. This actually affected me a little bit (I believe such things), but after talking to her last weekend, I felt I have nothing to worry about. I was worrying that I had to pay my dues to Josh for something I'd done in another life, and that I might have to live with him and help him all my life to set things right or something.

 

But after talking to her, I didn't feel she was for real. She had no real message for me other than the obvious things that anyone who knows Josh and doesn't want us to break up (she's a friend of Josh's grandmother) could tell me. She told me I should look into myself and respect myself and that if I wanted to keep Josh I had to treat him like a child (she even mentioned an allowance), that I had to teach him to behave and not let him manipulate me. She told me she wasn't seeing any breakup soon and that he would eventually quit playing poker, but not now. I didn't believe much of it, although I will do what she told me regarding respecting myself and all that.

 

I bought another book online about Codependency that might help me. Supposedly if I found the inner strenght to stop Josh from manipulating/hurting me, I wouldn't even have to leave him, because the relationship could turn into a healthy one. If I changed, he'd be forced to change as well, or we'd part naturally. In theory.

 

And that's all for now... do you believe in psychics? Have you used those services to get peace of mind or even to help you in the game? :) I usually watch Long Island Medium and that show just blows my mind! Is she for real?

 

Hope all is well with you guys.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

minor update

Just telling you I'm still here and things are going ok so far. I've just finnished eating my first Josh-cooked-lunch and it was pretty good! He's keeping his side of the bargain so far (yeah I know it's still day one, but I guess it's a good indication that he will at least try).

 

Hmm there are some doubts about my blog being real or not (one of you said I was a man), so I thought of giving you the best proof I can. This:

Unless you think I'm a transvestite or that this is all some elaborate plot and I borrowed a co-worker's hand (or even severed a female hand, who knows), you'll know I'm a woman. Got my nails done last saturday.

 

I won't take offence on those who say I'm just seeking attention, because that is true, I would like to be read by women in the same situation as mine, share stories and don't feel as alone with my decisions, as I sometimes do. If you know anyone like this, please send them my way. Meanwhile, as long as I think this is a positive experience that might help me and others, I'll keep writing from time to time.

 

This whole thing with Josh cooking and cleaning for me might turn out pretty well, I mean, it's cool to have this done for me (even if I pay the bills in return) and all my female colleagues think it's awesome. Even my best friend, who "hates" Josh, thought this was a good idea and was surprised he agreed to  it. So.. yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo
Andrea

dreams and fears

I don't know what happened to all those Poker Wives who just disappeared from the blogosphere after writing a couple of posts, but I better keep writing. Nothing special to say today... me and Josh have been apart for 2 weeks, he's been at his beach house (I'm writing this and thinking "yeah, this sounds bad", so I'll add) he's got his computer with him and has been playing (or so he claims).

 

He'll be back tomorrow and I'm getting a little anxious about how things will work out with our new "stay-at-home-husband" arrangement. I'm not sure how I'll feel, if I will still feel used or if we'll reach some kind of balance.

 

I'm also anxious about his trip back home and that something might happen to him. This sounds crazy, but I have these worries from time to time, that something might happen and he'll die from a freak accident or something. I read somewhere that women have this kind of "worrying gene" or worrying part of their brains, which makes us worry about stupid things, while men can live their lives much more peacefully. This sucks.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been commenting or even emailing me with advice. I've come to the conclusion that if I'm going through this with Josh is not because I don't know what I'm doing, but because I believe he has a chance. And for now I'd rather live with a successful poker player than with a McDonald's employee (no offence, it's just a personal choice). I know things can go seriously wrong, but they can also go extremely well.

 

And I want to see him go through whatever difficulties he has to and then come out clean on the other side. I want to be able to tell people "hey, he's done it, he finally had a great couple of years, he paid me back everything he owed and is now making some serious money on the bankroll he alone put together". Or "hey, I followed my heart and ended up choosing the right guy after all and we're happy". Or "hey, miracles do happen!". You get the point.

 

Just dreams for now.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

the little voice inside us all

Well, I had a very interesting session today at therapy and thought about sharing some of my conclusions with you. Kind of weird, because therapy is supposed to be private, but since I'm using this blog to get my ideas straight, I guess it will help me (and, who knows, maybe other people too).

I've been feeling like a rag doll lately, being pulled in one direction and another every time I hear (or read) a comment about my situation. Only one of you noticed (or at least commented on it) that I seemed happy with my new arrangement with Josh, until I listened to my parents' opinion and became miserable again. After going over this on therapy, I realized (well, admitted) that I was having difficulty listening to my own voice among all this external noise. I'm not saying your comments (or my parents' opinion) are mere noise, but everything must be put in its rightful place and, in this and many other cases, our personal voice must be the one to speak loudest.

I still want you to know I value your opinion. Let me give you an example: once me and Josh got back together, my cousin freaked out on me. She called me stupid and said I'd spend the rest of my life hitting my head against a wall and never learn anything. It was very hurtful, but I understand why she said it. She only wanted the best for me, as I believe you do, for me as for any other human being. So even if I sound hurt when answering your comments (and I probably am), I know where you're coming from and I respect that. I hope you can keep respecting me and my choices.

What do I really want? As I've written before, I want to be happy with Josh. This may sound ludicrous to the majority of you, but remember: you are reading my partial story, miles and miles away from me, from a completely rational standpoint. I also have that rationality in me. It's the little voice that tells me "watch out, you're gonna get burned in the end!". But, I do have an emotional side, as I'm sure you all do. The question is how much credit do you give that voice and how often do you listen to it, if ever.

According to my therapist, many of us who are most miserable in life, and become addicted to drugs, alcohol or anti-depressants (she works with recovering addicts on a daily basis, just in case you're regarding this as psychological mumbo-jumbo) are those who disregarded their emotions too often -  in other words, the ones who don't follow their hearts, for several reasons, such as fear of failure, fear of suffering or simply peer pressure. 

I believe it takes strength to listen to your heart and be brave enough to go against the world for what you believe in. This blog is called Wives of Poker (Poker Wives was already taken :P), not "Ex Wives of Poker" or "How I booted my leech-boyfriend". I named it like this for a reason: I want to be as happy as I possibly can with my poker playing husband (well, he's my boyfriend, but I'm devoted to him as if we were married, as you might have noticed). I was looking for women in the same position that could help, because I'm willing to make some adjustments in my life to make it work. To a certain degree of course!

In the past, I was very unhappy with Josh. To be totally honest with you, I was. Not because of Poker though - but simply because I didn't feel loved (maybe I'll tell you that story in another post). Two years ago, I started being  happy with Josh, when he came back and started treating me well. I experienced the most memorable moment of my life with Josh: the moment he came back to me, when I was missing him so terribly that I fell into depression and went from 132 to 116 pounds in one month.

Now, things have gotten better and better and I am happy.. not completely, or this blog wouldn't exist, but I started writing when we were going through some tough times... I should start a new one called "Happy Moments with Poker Playing Husbands". Anyway, I have faith in Josh. How can this be?? Because I'm stupid?? No. It's because I'm in love. Not blindly in love, sickly in love, going over my own feelings in love, disrespecting my desires in love. Just in love, and still hopeful.

You say that if I leave Josh I will go through the grieving process in no time and be as good as new soon. I know, in my heart, that today that isn't true. It might be, in a few months, if my heart tells me I've had enough. Or not. You can come at me with your Nostradamus comments and tell my I'm damned to hell if I continue following this path. But my heart disagrees, today. Tomorrow... well, that's another day.

As long as I feel OK with a situation, even if its socially unusual or even unacceptable to some people, such as me providing for my husband instead of the other way around, I'll keep following this path. The day my heart feels disrespected, I'll change directions, I know I will (and my therapist is there to make sure I'm not in denial if that starts happening and I ignore it). 

Finally, I have a question for you, that I ask you to consider carefully. I know that in America there are many "stay-at-home-moms", a concept we don't have much around here. How would you feel if your stay-at-home-wife would play Poker and asked you for money to play (as long as it didn't jeopardize your finances), if she was doing 400 dollars a month on it? 

This might make you reconsider my position, or not. It doesn't matter. What's important is that I respect my own feelings and, for now, Josh is more valuable in my life than out of it. 

Thank you for reading this long post.

Much love and luck at the tables. And for all of you Poker Wives out there, I'm still waiting for your visit.

xoxo

Andrea

whys

I understand that reading my blog can become exasperating for some people, who believe I'm being unnable to do the easiest and more logical thing on earth. I imagine you reading this and thinking "how can she be so dumb?!"... but there's nothing I can do about it (apart from following your advice, if and when I'm ready).

Yesterday I watched a show called "Who The **** Did I Marry" where a 40 year-old lady married this australian guy that robbed her of like 250 thousand dollars on fake business trips in which he was actually meeting other women. I identified with her a lot, although my case isn't that bad. And it felt a little easier knowing that even a 40 year old woman can go through something like this.

But what I wanted to say is that, as she said, people who have never been in a relationship like this can't understand how someone can tolerate certain things. Keep that in mind. Basically I'm asking you to go easy on me... and sorry for not being, yet, able to "grow up". I'm working on it, everyday. Thank you for reading and for all the support.

Oh, for those who asked, I'm from Europe, from a country who is experiencing one of the worst financial crises. Our unemployment rate is at 20%. Our minnimum wage is 600 dollars (McDonald's, cleaning, security guards...) and, on average, someone my age and education (like young lawyers, architects, designers,...) earns like 1000 dollars. I earn 1700 dollars a month, not the 1200 I was saying (been doing the math and I was wrong sorry!).

Now, the scheduled post:

Hi there, finally got some spare time to write.

In response to grrouchie serge, who bothered to write a full post explaining how his life works (thank you): no I’m not related to Stephen King haha, but I do love the author and that’s exactly why I chose this surname (I also thought King would be a fairly common surname in the States). If you work and you play poker as a hobby, that’s great and that’s what I was hoping Josh to do. The problem is.. well, I’ll explain it in a moment.

My point when creating this blog wasn’t to whine about my miserable life and get sympathy from strangers, or even to get the necessary encouragement to leave Josh. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of encouragement from everyone I know over the years. I know that is the most obvious answer to our problems: just leave, go your separate ways, move on with your lives. That is also the most difficult thing to do, when you are in love with someone. My goal with this blog was to raise questions and start discussions that could lead to reasonable and original ideas on how I could continue living with the man I love. And the poker players’ (and their wives) community looked like the best place to do it, since it would gather pro and against-poker opinions.

I could give you a list of reasons why I love Josh, or why I think it’s worth to fight for this relationship, but you’d certainly be bored to death. Besides, some of those reasons are unexplainable by words, as I believe you know, if you love someone. What I mean is, I thank and respect all of your comments (and agree, when I put my heart aside), but I can’t be “reasoned with” into leaving Josh. It’s impossible.

So, I’ll give you some facts, plain and simple, that justify (to my belief) Josh’s choices and provide what I consider to be a valid argument for me not to feel “offended” enough to just dump him:

• Josh didn’t go to college, so he can only do “minor” jobs like working at McDonald’s or so.
• Minor jobs here don’t pay more than 600 dollars (full time) and 300 (part time) a month.
• He hates minor jobs, he worked in several of them since he was 18, until starting his full time Poker activity (yes, I care about what he likes or hates).
• Josh makes 450 dollars playing Poker, which is only about 150 less than if he was working full time on something he hated.
• He says he has a chance of making his stash grow if he doesn’t have to withdraw too much every month, and we will see about that...
• He feels Poker is his best chance at a good life in this country, given his education and working experience. He could work as a security guard, standing 12 hours on the same spot every day and make 600 dollars for the rest of his life, or he could try his best playing online and make his money grow. - This is how he sees it.
• He is still committed to working the antique’s business with my dad and try and make an extra 100 whenever he sells pieces (he loves antiques).

This is, from a cold, rational standpoint, why I “tolerate” him, as you might put it.  The way I see it, if I earn 1700 a month, I can accept to take 200 and pay our bills and his loan, giving him time to make his money grow while not forcing him to withdraw more from his Poker account. In exchange, he’ll clean and cook every day, as I said, allowing me to let the cleaning lady go (and saving me money).

Strangely as it may seem, I can live with that... if, of course, he lives up to his part. Do you think it’s a fair deal? I'll tell you about our progress as the time goes by. I already have a big post scheduled for tomorrow.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Andrea

feeling numb

Hello, this is the second scheduled post I mentioned. Wrote this 3 days ago. I must admit that, after reading all your comments, I was ashamed. Ashamed of my naivety, stubbornness, and probably delusional hopes. I was on the verge of deleting all my future posts, but decided against it. I'm keeping this honest and real, it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

I just got home from my vacations and my head feels like a drum. On the last night of our vacations, Josh and I went out to dinner (I paid) and had a conversation about how we could manage things. 

Long story short, I told him I would be ok with helping him one more time, as long as he did something for me. We could act as if he was unemployed - I'd help him out, but he would have to help around the house on a daily basis and clean the whole house once a week so I wouldn't have to pay for a cleaning lady as I've been doing so far (we have a dog in the apartment and I can't deal with a dirty home).

He was ok with it, he said he would clean up every wednesday and would also cook me dinner every day, and in exchange I'd pay for his bank loan and would pay all the bills. (He would continue to pay for his food.) I was quite surprised, I was expecting this cleaning house thing would harm his masculinity, but it turns out it didn't.

Then he put something else on the table: he asked me if I would also pay for like 2 dinners out between him and friends (I could also go along, of course) every month (40 dollars total), if he would prepare a special diet and exercise plan for me and if he'd cook all my meals, including those I would then take to work. As I mentioned earlier he's like a gym enthusiast and has a special diet for himself, and I wouldn't mind trying it as well. He then raised the bar for 4 dinners (80 dollars a month). So... 80 dollars plus his 125 loan plus 100 dollar bills every month. I thought, since I earn around 1200 a month it'd be ok.

But.. today I came home and talked to my parents about it, and they say this is terrible. They claim it's terrible that Josh isn't capable of looking for a job, even if that means he'll lose me (when we have bad fights about money he refuses to get a job and invites me to find some other guy who will do that for me). It's terrible that he has to ask for money in return of simple favors that should come naturally from his life choices - for instance, since he's at home all day, my parents think it would be perfectly natural for him to clean the house once a week, and even cook me dinner if necessary, free of charge. It's terrible that he's keeping me from having a normal family. And finally, they say it's terible that I don't do anything about it, just continue to help him and accept everything.

I'm drained. All these words sunk into me and now I feel terrible. I don't know what I want anymore. I mean, I want to be happy. With Josh. I want to help Josh, but I don't want to be a sucker in this relationship! I earn twice what he makes. Is my decision to help him out, by paying some bills, while he does things for me in return, an immature decision? Or is it just not the perfect relationship, that my parents wish I had, but it's still acceptable?

I've always been very confused and insecure about my personal decisions and I've always counted on my parents' guidance, so knowing that they're not behind me on this scares me shitless. A pitiful little girl, you may think, but... I'm just being totally honest here.

xoxo

Andrea

chapter X - tired of BS

This past year went on "fine". I would pay for everything, he would pay me back from time to time. Josh reached August owing me 700 dollars - money he couldn't pay me on time and accumulated for the next month. 

This situation started to grow on me by April or so - I felt exploited. His promised 800 dollars a month never came, he would have 400 hundred at the most, while still living "large" and going out and having dinner.. all on me. I say living "large" because Josh isn't a guy with expensive tastes. He doesn't go on buying clothes or drinking his money away. The only thing that is obviously above him is his new taste for body building.

Yeah, after the whole soccer thing went to hell (because of the "female friend" and also because one of the guys from the group slept with another one's girl - a really nice croud as you can see), he started pumping iron at the gym. His body looks great, that's for sure, and maybe that's why I still love him after all of this, because all my exs were fat and ugly as shit. But he spends lots of money on supplements like whey protein and whatnot... fortunatelly no steroids - he has considered it, but it's just too dangerous.. and too expensive. 

Supplements and food - those are his too main expenses. He doesn't spend money at the gym because he works out at his grandmother's garage (he built a small gym there). He does like 5 meals a day, all meat, and of course that becomes more than he can spend.

Anyway, after numerous fights because the money wasn't coming in steadily, we decided it was time to change things. I decided I wouldn't pay for anything from that moment on - he would have to pay for everything he needed, without my help. Food, gas, bills, all split in half. He didn't take it well, of course. I don't know what goes on in his mind to even think he has the right to disagree, but he did. 

But I kept my ground, I had to... or else we would live this lie forever. He would never realise how little he really earns at the tables and how miserable his life is... now it's all hitting him, hard. And it's been a tough ride, so tough that I consider breaking up just not to be forced to witness his despair: knowing he won't go anywhere playing poker, but not being able to accept it and make a real change in his life. He's like.. paralyzed. And it's a horrible thing to see, night after night screaming at his computer when he looses a hand, hours at the (virtual) tables to make a miserable 40 bucks, if he's lucky... I will tell you all about how it is to live like this in my next posts.

Now you know my story and I'm hoping you can open up and share yours with me.

Do it on the comments section or email me at wivesofpoker@gmail.com.

Keep sane 

xoxo

Andrea

chapter VIII - a changed man?

Hello there, so today I'm going to tell you how my relationship changed after Josh realised I was the only person who really cared for him, since he was sent to live in another state after being rejected by all of his friends and family, who saw him as a money leech.

When he came back, he was very different and continued to mature along the way. He treated me with respect, appreciated me, supported and cheared me up when I was feeling low, helped more around the house and even did a few romantic things from time to time. He cooked, surprised me with a watch for my birthday, took me places, you name it. Our relationship improved a lot. The only thing that didn't change was, unfortunatelly, his "job". The root of all evil so to speak.

He stopped playing at Full Tilt Poker because that was the summer when they closed the site. Yeah, so he was alone in another state for 2 months without a dime in his pocket because they froze his FTP account... I guess that must have been hard and also an eye-opener for him. He survived with the help of his grandmother and a friend lended him 500 bucks to start him off at Poker Stars. 

Anyway, he came back and that's when our life became more... decent, but that was also when he became totally dependent on me without even seeing it. We went back to the "I pay, you'll pay me back whenever possible" thing, but this time he was doing  more regular payments to my account. Still, every month he would have like 400 or 500 dollars expenses written down, that he had to pay me, and of course sometimes he didn't pay the whole ammount and started accumulating debt.

We started living a lie and I'm only realising it now. He was conviced (and me as well) that he had a good life, when in reality he was still making pennies at poker and living well only thanks to my help, my "margin" as he calls it. We went out for dinner lots of times a week, parties with friends, went to the movies... we did whatever we wanted (within reason).

And this is where we found ourselves today, two years later: at the exact same point we were when the big break-up happened, with the difference that there are no female friends, no stupid soccer matches and a much more stable and strong bond between the two of us. Even after FTP came back and he got his money back (like a thousand dollars), that wasn't enough. Not to mention he had another "goal" (fantasy) along the way and I ended up lending him a large, large sum of money that he was supposed to double ("easily!") and of course that never happened either.

Will tell you all about it on my next post. Thank you and keep strong, Poker Wives.

chapter VI - the big break-up

By June 2011, Josh and I were living under the same ceiling but growing more and more apart. The house was mine, which meant he didn't pay rent (actually I'm paying a bank loan on the house) or any work that had to be done in the building. The car was mine, which meant he only helped with gas money from time to time and didn't pay for the insurance. The internet and cable service was free, because I work in a company that pays for it. 

So basically he had quite some advantages moving in with me, while I had none by taking him in. Monthly bills and food were supposed to be divided, but thanks to the poker's uncertainty, he only paid every other month. We even had a fight because, when he first moved in, he brought up the fact that up until then I had been using his house (like showering and watching TV and using the lights and stuff) without paying for it. This meant that he should be entitled to live in my house for a couple of months without paying for anything. I agreed, although now I look back and see this petty, ridiculous attitude of his. He didn't pay for anything in November and December, and when January came and I asked for the money, we fought because he was convinced I had said "until January", which I did, but not including January. He didn't want to pay the bills until February.

I don't remember how that story ended, but you can see the type of thing I had to put up with. Meanwhile, he started helping my father out on his antique business, hoping this would bring more money home... but it didn't. In fact, his enthusiasm with antiques only kept him from playing poker and when the antique selling didn't work out as he had hoped for, he had no money at all.

This started a terrible period between us, we had constant fights because I kept suggesting he got a job or went back to school and he would freak out on me every time. He was also more and more careless about his attendace at the tables, because he was obsessed with playing soccer with his friends. He used to organize two to three matches every week (reminder: renting the field wasn't for free...) and was determined to became the best soccer player in the group. I couldn't deal with such ridiculousness. Besides the matches, he went out frequently at night to meet friends (including females I didn't even know) on a regular basis.

The shit hit the fan when, after noticing he was growing more and more distant, I decided to check out his Facebook account. Yeah, it's wrong, but I'm glad I did it, because it was a real eye-opener. He had been talking to one of his new female friends in a very suspicious way. The conversation indicated that they had been together the previous night and he was actually begging her to get together on that very night.

I totally lost it. He had gone out for a run, so I went after him and had a huge fight on the street, I insulted him, spat on him and tried to beat him (I had already done that when I was suspicious of these "friends"). It was a very low moment for me... and for him. We went home and he tried to explain that he hadn't done anything wrong, he was just being an idiot online with that girl, enjoying the attention, but nothing had actually happened. I didn't believe him.

After that terrible night, I left to my parents house and told them everything. They told me he had to go immediatelly, that he was a low life good for nothing who was simply draining me out, financially and emotionally. I was so filled with hatred and betrayal that I agreed. I gave him 5 days to get the hell out of my place and told him I never wanted to see him again.

But as usual, life had other plans for both of us.

Thank you for reading, I understand this part of the story is a bit "soap-opera-like", but it all comes down to the same problem: if he wasn't playing poker, if he had a regular job and money coming in every month (even if it wasn't much), we wouldn't have lived this nightmare.  

chapter V - another day, another... fight

After being together for almost 3 years, I got my own place and Josh started talking about moving in together. Moving to his house wasn't an option for me for several reasons. First of all I had a brand new home, fully equipped and beautifully decorated (my father owns an antique store and got me a bunch of 70's furniture, lamps, paintings and objects). 

Second of all, Josh's house was a mess - his constant rampages caused him to break things around the house whenever he lost, and he also wasn't exactly a tidy person. I'm talking about kicked in doors, several desks broken in half, and tons of dishes laying around in the sink every week waiting for the cleaning lady (payed by his grandmother) to arrive. 

And finally, because his house always creeped me out. His parents died under tragic circumstances and I never felt comfortable around the house. I'm not saying it's haunted, but... I'm not saying it isn't. I don't know, I guess I'm a little paranoid, but the idea of living there just didn't feel right.

So he ended up moving in with me, although I wasn't totally ok with it, I was enjoying living alone (I did so for about 6 months) and didn't feel ready to have him "invading" my space. Actually we had a big fight the week he moved in and I was thinking about calling the whole thing off, but, as always, I gave in. My love for him, or obsession or whatever you wanna call it, always spoke louder. 

He moved in late November and by June he was out - I basically kicked him out, and I will tell that story in my next post. But during those months our lives just got worse and worse, thanks to the lack of money, my feelings that he wasn't trying hard enough, that he was using me and he didn't really love me. Our finances were organized in a simple way: I payed for everything, he would pay me back when he could, depending on how well he did on the tables.

This, along with the fact that he didn't help around the house and didn't treat me right, became unacceptable for me and it all went down in flames when I found out he had been cheating... again.

chapter II - one tough cookie

My relationship with Josh had many problems and money wasn't, by then, the biggest of them. Although I supported him, respected him and even pampered him with gifts from time to time (like buying him an expensive watch for his birthday and not getting a single birthday gift in return when I turned 25), I felt like he didn't love me back. After a few years I realised he did love me, but his poor behaviour as a boyfriend was the best he could do for anyone.

My worst struggle was dealing with the fact he didn't value me, or recognized what I meant to him. This is something that, because of his choices in life and how we live our lives, I still feel to this day.

A few days after my birthday, he cheated on me. I couldn't bring myself to break it off by then, because I was finishing my Master's Degree and breaking up would ruin it for me, I just wasn't enough emotionally stable to do it. So a few months went by, I finished my thesis and we broke up because of how he reacted to it: pure indifference. He didn't congratulate me, didn't care for how good my grades were (and they were good) and he basically ressented me for being successful. 

I couldn't deal with such lack of empathy and of... love, and broke up. But I still loved him... so two weeks later we ended up getting back together.