from playing too much to not playing at all

So... Josh has received his money and has spent the last few weeks investing part of it in antiques. He completely stopped playing poker and didn't add any money to his Poker Stars account, thank god.

 

He has also not yet begun to sell any of the antiques he bought (mainly lamps and small art objects). I'm a bit concerned about his lack of urgency, but since it's his life I can only offer some advice while watching him make his own choices. My step dad has also been helping him making the right purchases, so... at least I know he's not buying worthless stuff.

 

For now money hasn't been a problem, because of what he got from his family. But he'll have to make some on top of it soon. He has about a month before we go on vacations... let's see if he can sell anything by then... or if he restarts his routine at the tables.

 

About me.. I got a new job offer and am considering what to do with my life... I don't know what they're planning to pay me and not exactly sure on what the job will be, all I know is that it'll be far from home, although probably more interesting and with better career possibilities. More answers next week.

 

 

Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying FIFA World Cup!

 

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

some good news

Hey everone, good news today! Josh's family agreed to give him his share of the inheritance without involving the court. I was surprised, I thought they'd put up a fight. So, soon he'll have 15K to start his antique business and to pay expenses without having to withdraw money from his Poker account. Yay!

I won't have to pay bills or the food alone, but our deal still stands regarding him doing all the house chores and me paying for his bank loan (120 euros a month). This will only stand until the business kicks off and he's able to pay for everything he's due. And it's also for him to get used to having the money. I don't know. Actually I don't know why he doesn't start paying for everything on his own right now, but I think it's because he needs that crutch (me) to feel safe. I guess it won't kill me to help him make a smooth transition into independency/adulthood. Yes, I know how this sounds.

Anyway these are the news, I'm happy but also a little scared about the future. What if he decides to spend more than he should at the tables? What if the business doesn't prosper? What if these 15K act like a band-aid in a gun-shot wound? Letting him keep up with a lazy lifestyle for another 2 years or so, and ruining my dreams in the process? Yep, those are my concerns.

But, as usual, I'm taking a leap of faith and hope for the best. It's his call, his responsibility. I'll stick around, while I can.

xoxo

Andrea

a break from everything

Hello everyone, hope you had an excellent Christmas and New Year's eve. I'm now at my parents' country house, came here to get away from everything for a few days, I'll go back to work next monday.

 

Well, it pains me to say I wasn't able to break it off with Josh. I wrote my last post while I was at work and had my mind all made up and everything. I even talked to my therapist on the phone and she told me I was doing the right thing if that was what my heart was telling me to do, since I was particularly hurt by his behavior during Christmas. My plan was to go home, tell him he had a week to get out and then see how he reacted. If it became impossible for me to stay there, I'd tell my parents and temporarily move to their place.

 

However, the minute I got off the phone with her, I started panicking. I was barely holding my tears for the next hour I spent at work and finally burst out crying on the drive home. Why? The thought of hurting Josh was too painful for me to bear, simple as that. I wasn't concerned about how my life would be without him, if I'd miss him or if I'd regret my decision - it was simply that I couldn't deal with telling him that he wasn't loved anymore and he had to go live his life somewhere else. Specially because he had no clue what was going on thus far and I could tell he was already feeling pretty insecure about us.

 

So... yeah, I got home and just cried, I wasn't able to tell him anything. He asked what had happened and what was wrong and I just told him I was crying over what had happened at Christmas, since I hadn't had the chance yet. This was on... friday, December 27. The next couple of days were horrible, I was completely divided between my mind and heart, constantly telling myself "he has to go" or making plans for my "escape" (even found a room but when I called they told me it was already taken); while still always feeling sick to my stomach, my heart pounding like crazy and not feeling good about the "decision" at all.

 

I ended up telling Josh that things weren't cool between us anymore and that I basically didn't feel the same I used to, because of Christmas and because of our relationship in general (his lack of money in particular). After he knew this, we had a few arguments over the next few days, because he tried (to the best of his capabilities) to make me happy and loving again, but I was always distant and he was getting fed up of my mood (avoiding him all the time).

 

Finally, on December 31st, I decided to go away with my parents for a while to calm down and rest and get my shit together. So, I put my misery away for the night and we spent New Year's eve together with some friends (it was actually quite fun). And I came here the next morning.

 

Oh, by the way, I was totally busted on the blog! Well, not totally, but almost. I was stupid and being on edge all the time didn't help. He came in the room during a break from the tables, while I was aproving some comments, and I imediately shut my laptop's lid, in a totally suspicious way. When I refused to tell him what I was doing, of course he thought I was cheating on him on Facebook or something and stormed out. So I ended up telling him the truth, that I keep a blog about our relationship and Poker and that's why I had been asking him lots of questions about his gaming habits lately and that's how I got him that book you guys advised me (Poker Winners are Different), etc. He didn't show much interest. I told him I'd rather not tell him the blog's name and he was apparently ok with it. I'm not surprised, since he hates reading and even though I have personal diaries hidden in drawers and such, that he knows about, he's never read them (to my knowledge). He always says he has better stuff to do with his time than snooping around my stuff. I believe him, because what I have written on those journals would make his head pop... if he'd read them, I'd know.

 

So.. what happens next? I don't know. I am now completely frustrated that I wasn't able to break up, but this doesn't mean I have the strength to get it done. I feel like I'm in a limbo of some sort. For now I'll try to relax and enjoy my days away from all that mess... What have I decided? You will tell me I'm only putting off the inevitable, and that might be so, but for now my decision was to wait 3 more months. Three more months of paying the rent and bills, so that he can continue playing without touching his bankroll. He's been going deep on a lot of tourneys... I still have hope he wins a first place and recovers at least his 5K. When that happens, I might tell him to leave, because I won't feel so guilty about "kicking him out" and we'll both have a chance to start from zero, apart.

 

I'm still hoping for a miracle, I know. Meanwhile, I'll focus on being happy, for me, and making myself happy. As I've read in one of many articles I follow, I can:

End a codependent relationship not by focusing on separating from the other person, but by reconnecting with who you are.

Let's see how it goes.


xoxo
Andrea

looking back

Just came back from a painful conversation with my parents and though of updating this. My step-dad told me lots of things about Josh and how he's getting himself into a trap with Poker and failing to invest in a real future... and he analyzed Josh's reasons to do so, on a "psychological level".

 

I agreed with everything and I asked him to do that very same analysis with me: why, knowing all that I know and have experienced with Josh, am I still with him? He told me he thought my problem is that I'm unable to deal with loss. That's why I always find ways to stay in the relationship, to adjust and adapt to Josh, even if I see no future with him and am unhappy with him. It's always better to be with him than without, because I simply cannot handle loss. That was his opinion and he told me I should treat it in therapy (although he doesn't believe in therapists).

 

He also thinks that this problem either comes from the loss of my father or from the fact I was kept in a hospital for over a year when I was just two years old, without seeing my parents regularly.

 

During this conversation, my mother was particularly pissed with the fact that I can't bring myself to end it with Josh, or to force him to change, and she said I must be pretty incompetent, because she always found ways to get my father (and step-dad) to do what she wanted. This made me sad. Then I lashed back at her saying that she might have changed my real dad, but they were still completely miserable together. She agreed but she said she only continued the marriage because I was born and my real dad threatned her that if she left him, I would never set my eyes on him again. What a douchebag. My real dad was a horrible, horrible dad and a worse husband, I wish my step dad was my real dad and I wish I didn't spend a minute of my childhood with that asshole.

 

So... yeah, it seems I'm getting somewhere. Loss issues. Facing the fact that "daddy didn't love me" and he used me to force my mom not to leave (he had already been abandoned by his ex, who cheated on him and left him). Bah, fucking pathetic. But at least I know where to turn now.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

working on acceptance

Hi everyone, things have been quite good this week, as they usually are after a big fight. Josh is still playing and going deep on tables, but no major final tables so far, he's finishing up in the final 100, final 40, it depends. But December is still halfway ahead of us and I'm hopeful.

 

Our last fight had at least one positive outcome: I've decided to stop obsessing about my problem. I was looking at this relationship from a million different angles, like I was testing a bug or trying to solve a Rubik's cube, and there's really no point in that. It is what it is. For now Josh is still more important in my life that out of it and I have to stop fighting that, it's exausting and meaningless.

 

So I'm focusing more on myself (also therapy-wise), on listening to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day and even trying remembering stuff in my childhood that I totally blocked out. No success there so far.

 

The day after our fight I went to my parents' house (I didn't tell them what happened) and my mom was talking to me for an hour, complaining about my step-dad. I love my step dad and I think their relationship is great, they do stuff together, he's sweet to her, he buys her gifts, he helps around the house... but my mom sees it differently. She was complaining that she can't tell him anything or he'll start with the "I'm always the one to blame" speech and that he doesn't help her enough around the house (I think he does), or that she feels unloved because he doesn't make her feel special.

 

Her complaints, making absolutely no sense to me (but I didn't tell her this, I listened and supported her, obviously), are 100% real and painful to her. This made me wonder about how much of my complaints could be perceived differently by another person. And ultimately, if I should work a little on acceptance as well - since I want to stay with Josh, for now, that is. I mean, it makes sense to try and not get mad about everything all the time (he didn't pick up after himself, he isn't paying me enough attention, he didn't shave and is always with his beanie on and looks like a bum, he doesn't pay his bills, etc etc). 

 

I think I need this now. Trying to relax and focus on myself, not getting upset over little things and over things I cannot change for now (leaving Josh). Acceptance of myself and of him. For now. Yep.

 

 

Hope you guys are ok, I wish you all the best.

 

xoxo

Andrea

small things

Hi everyone! Not much to say today, things at home have been rather peaceful, Josh is playing all the time and we're a bit distant now. He's been going to bed at around 7am. But I don't complain, it's nice to know he's focusing on the game.

 

Actually I think he's getting a bit obsessed, today he was talking about Poker in his sleep. He sometimes talks in his sleep, but I hadn't heard him going on about his hands yet.

 

This is my last day working away from home, yeaaaahhh! Next weak I'll go back to my usual routine of waking up only an hour before I have to be at work, instead of two. So, more free time to do what I want.

 

Christmas is coming and, although I'm not religious, I enjoy the season. Josh usually sets up our x-mas tree (I'm not very good with the decorations) and our house is all cozy and warm, I like spending time just laying on the couch with a blanket reading a book or watching my fav TV shows. I'm following Boardwalk Empire now (season 4) and reading The God of Small Things, beautifully written.

 

Let's see how things go, Josh has been winning some money, I hope he keeps it up and things can take a positive turn by the end of the year.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

one day at a time

Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight.

 

I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.

 

Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.

 

Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

Hope you guys are doing good!

 

xoxo

Andrea

PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)

a long update

Josh didn't leave. Obviously. And unfortunately. If he had left, my beliefs and personal confidence would still be intact. But as he didn't, he had a lot to tell me and that, besides hurting me, made a huge mess inside my head. Right now I'm totally confused and feel terrible, like a kid caught doing something bad. I'll try to explain his arguments as well as possible.

 

First a little background.

 

During 2012 I was caught in a situation with an abusive tenant - I rented a family house (which I later sold) to some... man, who never paid the rent, destroyed the interior of my house and, worse, left me with a debt of 700 euros - because electrical power and water supply were in my name. I had to pay bills he accumulated and had lots of trouble getting him to leave (he was living there with two kids without water or electricity, gross). Ultimately it was Josh who got him to leave, by showing up with some friends that apparently intimidated him.

 

I am now accused in the police of robbing my own house, because the... man, to get back at me, fabricated a story of me going in "his" house and leaving with several electrical supplies, gold and whatnot. Josh is one of my witnesses as to those are all lies, but the process is still pending.

 

But moving on. When I first rented the place I was conviced I'd get paid 300 euros monthly (a bargain, but our market is terrible now), so I increased my expenses:  joined an expensive gym and started having piano lessons. An extra 160 euros a month, that I didn't have because wasn't getting paid.

 

Later that year, I got into another situation, this time with a cat. I bough a Scottish Fold kitten from this... woman, that ended up dying just 12 days after. Besides the horrible experience of having the cutest kitten sick and dying in our house (and all the trouble it created, since I was at work all day and Josh had to take care of it), it was another disaster to my account. I remembered having 200 euros in my account and withdrawing 220 to pay for the kitten. It was a mistake. I paid for the cat (I bought it alone, Josh didn't go with me and didn't participate in this, I just called him and he said he was ok with it, if I wanted it) and I had to pay for the Vet and then to take the woman to court for selling me a sick kitten (she didn't want to give me my money back). I ended up spending about 600 euros in all this and only got 220 back.

 

Meanwhile, that was also when I got my arm tattoed and spent a total of 1250 euros in it, in about 4 months. So, during that year, I spent money I didn't really have and still did my life as usual - out to dinner, parties, some make-up, etc. During that time I was also helping Josh: lending him money for his expenses, that he later paid. We did this, as I said, until the summer of 2013 - I lended, he paid (my problem was that he didn't pay when I wanted him to).

 

As I said in a comment (and may have mentioned earlier) I have now over 70 thousand euros in savings, from selling that family house and so on. That money is safely stached in savings accounts that grant me small interest every year. Smaller than the inflation rate actually, which means I'm not winning anything, I'm just not losing as much as if the 70K were in my current account.

 

Josh's point of view is the following:

 

When I lended him the 5K, he was supposed to make it to SuperNova level in one year, but only if he would play certain stakes. This meant that he either had to win at the game, or couldn't withdraw money every month. Or else, he'd have to lower his stakes. Since he didn't win and I demanded him to withdraw money every month to pay for his expenses, although he made 4500 dollars, his bankroll went down to less than 2K.

 

So, if I had cut back on my expenses a little (since I was going through all those difficulties), I wouldn't feel as compelled to demand monthly payments (this is true, I admit to that), which wouldn't have caused him to lower his stakes and ultimately (along with the ridiculous bad luck he's had, according to the EV graph) made it impossible to reach SuperNova or to keep his bankroll.

 

In Josh's opinion, if I'd moved part of my barely profitable savings - let's say 5K - to my current account and had used it to help pay for my expenses along the year, I wouldn't have felt so stressed, wouldn't demand monthly payments (he'd pay me back everything by the end of the year) and none of this would have happened.

 

Regarding his hair loss pills, he said he didn't understand why I couldn't pay for them because his only issue is that he doesn't have money in his current account, only on his credit card (that receives his PokerStars withdrawals) and the pharmacy doesn't take credit card payments. So I'd pay for the pills and then he'd go to the supermarket and buy me 23 euros (their cost) worth of stuff, with his credit card.

 

He thought I was being extremelly selfish on this particular occasion (pills) and that I was always blaming him for my poor decisions regarding my money. He said he didn't know if he could live like this, so he was leaving as soon as he got a ride to go. His bag is packed. I seriously doubt he goes, because I know he still loves me (or, as you might ask, does he love my money?).

 

He also said my low self esteem is always causing me to doubt that he really loves me and making me think that he's only there for the money, but that's bull, because he knows he can survive on his own, even if not with the same quality he has with me. And that he's only trying to earn more money to please me (so we can have a family soon) because if it was only for him, he'd live with 400 a month and didn't give a damn.

 

This was basically it. My head feels like a drum and I had a bad day at work yesterday. I don't know what to think, but I must find out what I want. I didn't buy him the pills though, he asked his grandmother and she paid for it. I'll go to therapy later, which will be good. Got to get my thoughts together. I think he has a point, but I'm afraid to be manipulated. Maybe I'm crazy and a bit paranoid and can't believe he loves me for me. Maybe not.

 

Thanks for reading all this, appreciate it.

 

xoxo

Andrea

the sh** has hit the fan

This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.

 

It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.

 

So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.

 

That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually his (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.

 

It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case. 

 

My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.

 

Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?

 

I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

a little chat

Well, I have to write this down so I won't forget.

 

I used one of Pokerdogg's comments to confront Josh with the real possibility of him finding a part-time job and still play poker. This is what happened.

Me: "You can plug in the games you play and see how many points you get. To achieve supernova status, you need to get 100,000 VPP in a year. I played with the numbers a bit, looks like if I stay disciplined, and play single table turbo SNGs, 10 tables at a time, I'll be able to play 100 matches per day. That gives me 611 VPP per day. I only need to play 164 days out of the year, or about 15 days/month." I found this at a poker forum, is this possible?

Josh: Yes

Me (I made this up to see what he'd say): He has a part-time job and also plays. What do you make of it? He doesn't have to withdraw from his bankroll.

Josh: Andrea... where does he have a part time? and does he make 200 euros a month? (it's what a part time pays here)

Me: I have no idea, he's not from around here.

Josh: right... LOL.. no wonder

Me: but wouldn't it be a solution for you?

Josh: If he lived in our country he'd play twice as much and win the 11K
Me: And live off what?

Josh: because working part time and make 200 euros would be ridiculous

Me: and live off what meanwhile? Since you say he shouldn't touch his bankroll...

Josh: Off his ass, I don't know.

Me: O.o  Why does this look like a bad solution for your case? Honestly.

Josh: Because working for 200 euros is just sad. I'd rather move to (his beach house) and become a fisherman.

Me: So... just to confirm, you intend to survive without touching your bankroll and without working, with my support, is that right?

Josh: I don't intend anything. Since you're always changing your mind, you figure it out.

Me: I can't figure out/decide your life... I think it's time you come clean about things.. meaning: to "intend" something, to admit your plans to yourself and me. Whatever they may be, it's important that you decide what to do with your life.

Josh: Right.

And from here on he just evaded the question. But I guess it's pretty clear what he wants. This time I'm not even expecting any innovative comment from you guys, this is just venting, pure and simple, so that I won't forget this conversation.

 

I'm still at work but it's pretty obvious we'll have an argument about it this weekend.

 

xoxo
Andrea

threats and more threats

Hi guys. I'm a bit upset today.

 

Josh and I were talking just now, he was complaining about his bad luck and told me that if things go on like this he'll have to leave my house. I asked him where to, he said he didn't know, just leave. Actually his exact words were "when my bankroll dries out, I definatelly will not work at a store... and you won't support me, so I'll leave, just go somewhere".

 

I told him that if that is the case, maybe he should start building an education, take some courses or something, while he still has money, so he can later pursue a "normal" job. He immediately said no. He said that entering the market at 30 years old and earning $1000 was out of the question. So I told him "well, fine, at least you're aware of your situation". And that was that.

 

He believes that the problem in his life isn't Poker and the fact he doesn't win anything, but me and the "pressures" or "influences" as he puts it, that my presence implies. He believes that if he moves somewhere else he will be able to save a lot more, because I make him spend money. This is ludicrious to me, but what can I say? I mean, I'm paying all the bills from now on (and until now I helped him pay and he paid me back later), I pay my half of the food, I pay him an extra $25 a week for him to do whatever he wants. He speaks as if I was like a little tempting voice inside his head telling him to go eat beef every week or go out drinking every two weeks or spend his money unwisely.

 

Besides, he blames my father for raising false hopes regarding the antique business. He bough a few things and now claims he was wasting money based on the false idea my dad gave him (that the business would go just fine). Damn... is it me, or is he not taking responsibility for his choices?

 

I think I have nothing to apologize regarding my lifestyle. I've always tried to save money, since I was a kid. I usually don't indulge in stupid spendings, and even when I do, I pay my credit cards entirely every month, without interest fees. I don't eat at fancy restaurants and I certainly don't force Josh to do so. I think he's just angry for losing so much and is blowing off steam with these threats of leaving me.

 

Maybe he expects me to say that I will support him no matter what, that I will accept my "blame" for making him spend money he shouldn't have from his bankroll (the bankroll I provided him with) and give him back those 2K (or so), so he can get back on track. But I feel like he's always trying to get back on track. And my patience isn't the same as it was a year ago.

 

So... yeah, if he decides to leave, if he convinces himself of the preposterous idea that I'm responsible for his life choices and his finantial situation, I'll have to let him go. I just have to.

PS: I will try to post his Hold'em Manager stats as soon as I have a few alone moments in the house, so you can get a better idea of how he's doing at Poker.

minor update

Just telling you I'm still here and things are going ok so far. I've just finnished eating my first Josh-cooked-lunch and it was pretty good! He's keeping his side of the bargain so far (yeah I know it's still day one, but I guess it's a good indication that he will at least try).

 

Hmm there are some doubts about my blog being real or not (one of you said I was a man), so I thought of giving you the best proof I can. This:

Unless you think I'm a transvestite or that this is all some elaborate plot and I borrowed a co-worker's hand (or even severed a female hand, who knows), you'll know I'm a woman. Got my nails done last saturday.

 

I won't take offence on those who say I'm just seeking attention, because that is true, I would like to be read by women in the same situation as mine, share stories and don't feel as alone with my decisions, as I sometimes do. If you know anyone like this, please send them my way. Meanwhile, as long as I think this is a positive experience that might help me and others, I'll keep writing from time to time.

 

This whole thing with Josh cooking and cleaning for me might turn out pretty well, I mean, it's cool to have this done for me (even if I pay the bills in return) and all my female colleagues think it's awesome. Even my best friend, who "hates" Josh, thought this was a good idea and was surprised he agreed to  it. So.. yeah, we'll see how it goes.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo
Andrea

dreams and fears

I don't know what happened to all those Poker Wives who just disappeared from the blogosphere after writing a couple of posts, but I better keep writing. Nothing special to say today... me and Josh have been apart for 2 weeks, he's been at his beach house (I'm writing this and thinking "yeah, this sounds bad", so I'll add) he's got his computer with him and has been playing (or so he claims).

 

He'll be back tomorrow and I'm getting a little anxious about how things will work out with our new "stay-at-home-husband" arrangement. I'm not sure how I'll feel, if I will still feel used or if we'll reach some kind of balance.

 

I'm also anxious about his trip back home and that something might happen to him. This sounds crazy, but I have these worries from time to time, that something might happen and he'll die from a freak accident or something. I read somewhere that women have this kind of "worrying gene" or worrying part of their brains, which makes us worry about stupid things, while men can live their lives much more peacefully. This sucks.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been commenting or even emailing me with advice. I've come to the conclusion that if I'm going through this with Josh is not because I don't know what I'm doing, but because I believe he has a chance. And for now I'd rather live with a successful poker player than with a McDonald's employee (no offence, it's just a personal choice). I know things can go seriously wrong, but they can also go extremely well.

 

And I want to see him go through whatever difficulties he has to and then come out clean on the other side. I want to be able to tell people "hey, he's done it, he finally had a great couple of years, he paid me back everything he owed and is now making some serious money on the bankroll he alone put together". Or "hey, I followed my heart and ended up choosing the right guy after all and we're happy". Or "hey, miracles do happen!". You get the point.

 

Just dreams for now.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

the little voice inside us all

Well, I had a very interesting session today at therapy and thought about sharing some of my conclusions with you. Kind of weird, because therapy is supposed to be private, but since I'm using this blog to get my ideas straight, I guess it will help me (and, who knows, maybe other people too).

I've been feeling like a rag doll lately, being pulled in one direction and another every time I hear (or read) a comment about my situation. Only one of you noticed (or at least commented on it) that I seemed happy with my new arrangement with Josh, until I listened to my parents' opinion and became miserable again. After going over this on therapy, I realized (well, admitted) that I was having difficulty listening to my own voice among all this external noise. I'm not saying your comments (or my parents' opinion) are mere noise, but everything must be put in its rightful place and, in this and many other cases, our personal voice must be the one to speak loudest.

I still want you to know I value your opinion. Let me give you an example: once me and Josh got back together, my cousin freaked out on me. She called me stupid and said I'd spend the rest of my life hitting my head against a wall and never learn anything. It was very hurtful, but I understand why she said it. She only wanted the best for me, as I believe you do, for me as for any other human being. So even if I sound hurt when answering your comments (and I probably am), I know where you're coming from and I respect that. I hope you can keep respecting me and my choices.

What do I really want? As I've written before, I want to be happy with Josh. This may sound ludicrous to the majority of you, but remember: you are reading my partial story, miles and miles away from me, from a completely rational standpoint. I also have that rationality in me. It's the little voice that tells me "watch out, you're gonna get burned in the end!". But, I do have an emotional side, as I'm sure you all do. The question is how much credit do you give that voice and how often do you listen to it, if ever.

According to my therapist, many of us who are most miserable in life, and become addicted to drugs, alcohol or anti-depressants (she works with recovering addicts on a daily basis, just in case you're regarding this as psychological mumbo-jumbo) are those who disregarded their emotions too often -  in other words, the ones who don't follow their hearts, for several reasons, such as fear of failure, fear of suffering or simply peer pressure. 

I believe it takes strength to listen to your heart and be brave enough to go against the world for what you believe in. This blog is called Wives of Poker (Poker Wives was already taken :P), not "Ex Wives of Poker" or "How I booted my leech-boyfriend". I named it like this for a reason: I want to be as happy as I possibly can with my poker playing husband (well, he's my boyfriend, but I'm devoted to him as if we were married, as you might have noticed). I was looking for women in the same position that could help, because I'm willing to make some adjustments in my life to make it work. To a certain degree of course!

In the past, I was very unhappy with Josh. To be totally honest with you, I was. Not because of Poker though - but simply because I didn't feel loved (maybe I'll tell you that story in another post). Two years ago, I started being  happy with Josh, when he came back and started treating me well. I experienced the most memorable moment of my life with Josh: the moment he came back to me, when I was missing him so terribly that I fell into depression and went from 132 to 116 pounds in one month.

Now, things have gotten better and better and I am happy.. not completely, or this blog wouldn't exist, but I started writing when we were going through some tough times... I should start a new one called "Happy Moments with Poker Playing Husbands". Anyway, I have faith in Josh. How can this be?? Because I'm stupid?? No. It's because I'm in love. Not blindly in love, sickly in love, going over my own feelings in love, disrespecting my desires in love. Just in love, and still hopeful.

You say that if I leave Josh I will go through the grieving process in no time and be as good as new soon. I know, in my heart, that today that isn't true. It might be, in a few months, if my heart tells me I've had enough. Or not. You can come at me with your Nostradamus comments and tell my I'm damned to hell if I continue following this path. But my heart disagrees, today. Tomorrow... well, that's another day.

As long as I feel OK with a situation, even if its socially unusual or even unacceptable to some people, such as me providing for my husband instead of the other way around, I'll keep following this path. The day my heart feels disrespected, I'll change directions, I know I will (and my therapist is there to make sure I'm not in denial if that starts happening and I ignore it). 

Finally, I have a question for you, that I ask you to consider carefully. I know that in America there are many "stay-at-home-moms", a concept we don't have much around here. How would you feel if your stay-at-home-wife would play Poker and asked you for money to play (as long as it didn't jeopardize your finances), if she was doing 400 dollars a month on it? 

This might make you reconsider my position, or not. It doesn't matter. What's important is that I respect my own feelings and, for now, Josh is more valuable in my life than out of it. 

Thank you for reading this long post.

Much love and luck at the tables. And for all of you Poker Wives out there, I'm still waiting for your visit.

xoxo

Andrea

whys

I understand that reading my blog can become exasperating for some people, who believe I'm being unnable to do the easiest and more logical thing on earth. I imagine you reading this and thinking "how can she be so dumb?!"... but there's nothing I can do about it (apart from following your advice, if and when I'm ready).

Yesterday I watched a show called "Who The **** Did I Marry" where a 40 year-old lady married this australian guy that robbed her of like 250 thousand dollars on fake business trips in which he was actually meeting other women. I identified with her a lot, although my case isn't that bad. And it felt a little easier knowing that even a 40 year old woman can go through something like this.

But what I wanted to say is that, as she said, people who have never been in a relationship like this can't understand how someone can tolerate certain things. Keep that in mind. Basically I'm asking you to go easy on me... and sorry for not being, yet, able to "grow up". I'm working on it, everyday. Thank you for reading and for all the support.

Oh, for those who asked, I'm from Europe, from a country who is experiencing one of the worst financial crises. Our unemployment rate is at 20%. Our minnimum wage is 600 dollars (McDonald's, cleaning, security guards...) and, on average, someone my age and education (like young lawyers, architects, designers,...) earns like 1000 dollars. I earn 1700 dollars a month, not the 1200 I was saying (been doing the math and I was wrong sorry!).

Now, the scheduled post:

Hi there, finally got some spare time to write.

In response to grrouchie serge, who bothered to write a full post explaining how his life works (thank you): no I’m not related to Stephen King haha, but I do love the author and that’s exactly why I chose this surname (I also thought King would be a fairly common surname in the States). If you work and you play poker as a hobby, that’s great and that’s what I was hoping Josh to do. The problem is.. well, I’ll explain it in a moment.

My point when creating this blog wasn’t to whine about my miserable life and get sympathy from strangers, or even to get the necessary encouragement to leave Josh. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of encouragement from everyone I know over the years. I know that is the most obvious answer to our problems: just leave, go your separate ways, move on with your lives. That is also the most difficult thing to do, when you are in love with someone. My goal with this blog was to raise questions and start discussions that could lead to reasonable and original ideas on how I could continue living with the man I love. And the poker players’ (and their wives) community looked like the best place to do it, since it would gather pro and against-poker opinions.

I could give you a list of reasons why I love Josh, or why I think it’s worth to fight for this relationship, but you’d certainly be bored to death. Besides, some of those reasons are unexplainable by words, as I believe you know, if you love someone. What I mean is, I thank and respect all of your comments (and agree, when I put my heart aside), but I can’t be “reasoned with” into leaving Josh. It’s impossible.

So, I’ll give you some facts, plain and simple, that justify (to my belief) Josh’s choices and provide what I consider to be a valid argument for me not to feel “offended” enough to just dump him:

• Josh didn’t go to college, so he can only do “minor” jobs like working at McDonald’s or so.
• Minor jobs here don’t pay more than 600 dollars (full time) and 300 (part time) a month.
• He hates minor jobs, he worked in several of them since he was 18, until starting his full time Poker activity (yes, I care about what he likes or hates).
• Josh makes 450 dollars playing Poker, which is only about 150 less than if he was working full time on something he hated.
• He says he has a chance of making his stash grow if he doesn’t have to withdraw too much every month, and we will see about that...
• He feels Poker is his best chance at a good life in this country, given his education and working experience. He could work as a security guard, standing 12 hours on the same spot every day and make 600 dollars for the rest of his life, or he could try his best playing online and make his money grow. - This is how he sees it.
• He is still committed to working the antique’s business with my dad and try and make an extra 100 whenever he sells pieces (he loves antiques).

This is, from a cold, rational standpoint, why I “tolerate” him, as you might put it.  The way I see it, if I earn 1700 a month, I can accept to take 200 and pay our bills and his loan, giving him time to make his money grow while not forcing him to withdraw more from his Poker account. In exchange, he’ll clean and cook every day, as I said, allowing me to let the cleaning lady go (and saving me money).

Strangely as it may seem, I can live with that... if, of course, he lives up to his part. Do you think it’s a fair deal? I'll tell you about our progress as the time goes by. I already have a big post scheduled for tomorrow.

Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Andrea

feeling numb

Hello, this is the second scheduled post I mentioned. Wrote this 3 days ago. I must admit that, after reading all your comments, I was ashamed. Ashamed of my naivety, stubbornness, and probably delusional hopes. I was on the verge of deleting all my future posts, but decided against it. I'm keeping this honest and real, it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

I just got home from my vacations and my head feels like a drum. On the last night of our vacations, Josh and I went out to dinner (I paid) and had a conversation about how we could manage things. 

Long story short, I told him I would be ok with helping him one more time, as long as he did something for me. We could act as if he was unemployed - I'd help him out, but he would have to help around the house on a daily basis and clean the whole house once a week so I wouldn't have to pay for a cleaning lady as I've been doing so far (we have a dog in the apartment and I can't deal with a dirty home).

He was ok with it, he said he would clean up every wednesday and would also cook me dinner every day, and in exchange I'd pay for his bank loan and would pay all the bills. (He would continue to pay for his food.) I was quite surprised, I was expecting this cleaning house thing would harm his masculinity, but it turns out it didn't.

Then he put something else on the table: he asked me if I would also pay for like 2 dinners out between him and friends (I could also go along, of course) every month (40 dollars total), if he would prepare a special diet and exercise plan for me and if he'd cook all my meals, including those I would then take to work. As I mentioned earlier he's like a gym enthusiast and has a special diet for himself, and I wouldn't mind trying it as well. He then raised the bar for 4 dinners (80 dollars a month). So... 80 dollars plus his 125 loan plus 100 dollar bills every month. I thought, since I earn around 1200 a month it'd be ok.

But.. today I came home and talked to my parents about it, and they say this is terrible. They claim it's terrible that Josh isn't capable of looking for a job, even if that means he'll lose me (when we have bad fights about money he refuses to get a job and invites me to find some other guy who will do that for me). It's terrible that he has to ask for money in return of simple favors that should come naturally from his life choices - for instance, since he's at home all day, my parents think it would be perfectly natural for him to clean the house once a week, and even cook me dinner if necessary, free of charge. It's terrible that he's keeping me from having a normal family. And finally, they say it's terible that I don't do anything about it, just continue to help him and accept everything.

I'm drained. All these words sunk into me and now I feel terrible. I don't know what I want anymore. I mean, I want to be happy. With Josh. I want to help Josh, but I don't want to be a sucker in this relationship! I earn twice what he makes. Is my decision to help him out, by paying some bills, while he does things for me in return, an immature decision? Or is it just not the perfect relationship, that my parents wish I had, but it's still acceptable?

I've always been very confused and insecure about my personal decisions and I've always counted on my parents' guidance, so knowing that they're not behind me on this scares me shitless. A pitiful little girl, you may think, but... I'm just being totally honest here.

xoxo

Andrea

alright I might have overreacted a little bit there

Hello everyone, here is the first scheduled post I told you about. I'm posting them once a day to keep the blog going at a good pace. 

So... last night me and Josh were arguing until 5am and I asked him to show me exactly how much he's earning, and it ended up being about 450 dollars a month instead of 200. I mean, it is still a lot less than what I make, but not as horrible as I thought.

We ended up having the same fight in which I say he should get a job and he says he wasn't made to work at something he hates (basically he hates any job in this world, that he is qualified to do at least) and that he would rather earn 450 playing poker than a little more doing something else and being unhappy for the rest of his life. (as I said earlier, I don't want to give you specific details about my location, but I can tell you that in our country the minimum wage is about 550 dollars. Yeah, we're barely third-world.)

So it all comes down to this: he makes 450 dollars, which isn't much, and he only makes it every other month, which is worse. I have some important thinking to do. Any projects such as having a baby, getting a bigger house or having some special vacations are completely out of the question, unless I pay for it all. But at the same time, I don't picture myself doing any of those things with another man. 

Josh has the money issue, and the whole pride issue that makes it impossible for him to quit Poker and start washing floors, even if he's close to starvation. But other than that we get along great, we have things in common, we live in the same world, I respect him, I like the way he thinks (about everything else), I mean, we share ideals, my parents like him (also, apart from this aspect of his), and we have, as you've read, a huge past, a real struggle behind us. I don't want to feel like it was all for nothing. And yes, I love him very much. My love for him is huge and is only shadowed by the position he puts me in by lacking his own money and alternatives to get more money.

Basically I have no idea of what I should do, how we should organize our finances and what would be comfortable for me while not being indulgent for him. I feel so alone in this situation. Are there any couples going through the same?? Ugh...

Oh well, I guess it's Google time, going to search for some other despeate housewives out there. 

Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Andrea

shocking truth

Hello my fellow Poker Wives... I'm pretty shaken up today, let me tell you why.

Me and Josh have been struggling with our new lifestyle, where supposedly he has to pay for his share of things, and I pay for mine. It has been a struggle because.. he has barely any money and because I wasn't entirely aware of how little he has.

So.. it's been very difficult for me, for instance, to go with him to the market and see his tension and how he worries about what he can or cannot buy, when he had never acted like the before, while I was paying for everything. It's amazing how he just didn't care...

It also sucks not to be able to do half the things we did before, when I was paying. Now we don't eat out, we don't go to the movies (unless I pay) and we don't go out, because he has no money. It's incredible how much the lack of a "margin" (my bank account) can change our lives. Suddently he has no money at all for anything that isn't his food or gym.

He explains this situation by accusing me of "leading him" to having spent more money than he should for years, which resulted in him not having any savings and now being unprepared to live without my financial help. According to him, my lifestyle was "contagious" in a sense that, as I didn't care how much I spent, he didn't care how much he spent, even though he had (I came to find out) pennies to live by. This doesn't make any sense to me, since, as I explained earlier, when we had dinner together he would eat 15 dollar ribs while I got the 5 dollar burger (this is just an example). So... I think he's just refusing to take responsibility for his choices. I mean, if I have enough money to eat out, I don't have to worry about my expenses... but if he doesn't have money, he should worry about his!!! It seems pretty easy to understand, but he thinks different.

Anyway... yesterday I had the most shocking conversation with him. I found out that he earns like 200 dollars a month, playing poker. OMG. Like three thousand a year, which is what I make in a only couple of months! And he still thinks it's awesome!!! How can this be? I mean, I'm speachless. Keep in mind that he has a monthly payment of 120 dollars (the bank loan he got years ago), which means that he has about 100 dollars to live with every month. If I wasn't in his life he would starve!

I don't know how he will deal with this reality in the future, but I must stay strong and continue not to pay for anything as much as possible, so he can understand things. I mean, he is completely delusional... he thinks that, since he invested 5K and has earned around 3K in one year (200 dollars a month), he is a successful investor. Really, Josh, really?! Yeah, it's awesome to earn almost 3K in a year investing only 5K, but that's not as great if it's the only money you have to live your life!

Will he ever wake up? 

What do you think? Any advise on how I should handle this? Comment or email me at wivesofpoker@gmail.com.

chapter IX - going under

Debt. If you live with a Poker Player you're very familiar with the term. So far, during the 6 years of our relationship, I've lended him money on several occasions and got in debt with him in one. Somehow I always trusted it would be different, that he would end up reaching his goals and paying me as he promised. But he's been using me as if I were a bank account, a no limit credit card. Let's see...

I paid for his new computer with my credit card (he didn't have one at the time) and agreed he would pay me monthy the ammount I was paying the bank (in about 10 times). He stopped paying me after 3 or 4 months. I paid for his first suit, so he could go work at the bank - his grandmother paid me back later on. I lended him a thousand dollars and had him sign a piece of paper promising he would pay me back within a few months, I believe we agreed on 6 months - he never kept his word. And on a day to day basis, as I told you before, I paid for everything in half, even if that meant I was paying more than my fair share - for instance, imagine we went out to dinner, I'd eat a 5 dollar burger and he'd eat a 15 dollar plate of ribs...  I'd pay 10 dollars, instead of only 5.

So it would be imaginable that, by the time he came back to me and started "dreaming" again, exactly one year ago, I would have some sense in my mind... but no. Last summer he started talking about a new poker strategy he could pursue in PokerStars that would grant him 5 or 6 thousad dollars guaranteed by the end of 2013: rakeback.

As he explained it to me, PokerStars has rakeback levels, which means that the more often you play, the higher your level goes and after reaching a certain level (SuperNova he said) you would get tons of money regardless of what you won or lost at the tables - you'd get it just from playing there. His goal was to achieve the SuperNova level next year (2013) and by December make an extra 6 thousand dollars or something. All this, while still being able to withdraw like 800 dollars every month to pay for his expenses. All he needed was 5 thousand dollars to play as often as he possibly could.

My initial reaction was saying no, showing him how he never honoured his word and that was why he was so alone in the world. He said (of course) this time was different, it was guaranteed, and if he didn't make it with 5 thousand dollars he was never gonna make it. I had about 15 thousand dollars left from my inheritance and I figured this would be my last effort to help him out. He said this was his chance to really get the money flowing and for us to finally have a normal life and think about building a family. He also said that he could pay me back when he got his inheritance (when his grandmother dies... geez). 

So I agreed, but this time I took it a bit further and asked a lawyer to put it all on paper. I now have a signed legal contract saying he has to pay me back my money by the end of 2013, or when he receives his inheritance. Not only the 5 thousand he asked me, but all of it, which is about 8 thousand dollars. If he doesn't, I can sue him.

Now that I think about it, it's making me feel sick. Even owing me 3 thousand dollars from before (which include all the money I lended him in 4 years), and still owing like 4 or 5 thousand to the bank, he was still able to believe his ridiculous fantasy enough to take another giant loan from me. And I was still able to believe this time would be different. 

Now I know it's never going be be different. He will never win big time at the tables and he will never keep his word regarding business or money. I will not lend him another dime in my life, so help me God.

chapter VIII - a changed man?

Hello there, so today I'm going to tell you how my relationship changed after Josh realised I was the only person who really cared for him, since he was sent to live in another state after being rejected by all of his friends and family, who saw him as a money leech.

When he came back, he was very different and continued to mature along the way. He treated me with respect, appreciated me, supported and cheared me up when I was feeling low, helped more around the house and even did a few romantic things from time to time. He cooked, surprised me with a watch for my birthday, took me places, you name it. Our relationship improved a lot. The only thing that didn't change was, unfortunatelly, his "job". The root of all evil so to speak.

He stopped playing at Full Tilt Poker because that was the summer when they closed the site. Yeah, so he was alone in another state for 2 months without a dime in his pocket because they froze his FTP account... I guess that must have been hard and also an eye-opener for him. He survived with the help of his grandmother and a friend lended him 500 bucks to start him off at Poker Stars. 

Anyway, he came back and that's when our life became more... decent, but that was also when he became totally dependent on me without even seeing it. We went back to the "I pay, you'll pay me back whenever possible" thing, but this time he was doing  more regular payments to my account. Still, every month he would have like 400 or 500 dollars expenses written down, that he had to pay me, and of course sometimes he didn't pay the whole ammount and started accumulating debt.

We started living a lie and I'm only realising it now. He was conviced (and me as well) that he had a good life, when in reality he was still making pennies at poker and living well only thanks to my help, my "margin" as he calls it. We went out for dinner lots of times a week, parties with friends, went to the movies... we did whatever we wanted (within reason).

And this is where we found ourselves today, two years later: at the exact same point we were when the big break-up happened, with the difference that there are no female friends, no stupid soccer matches and a much more stable and strong bond between the two of us. Even after FTP came back and he got his money back (like a thousand dollars), that wasn't enough. Not to mention he had another "goal" (fantasy) along the way and I ended up lending him a large, large sum of money that he was supposed to double ("easily!") and of course that never happened either.

Will tell you all about it on my next post. Thank you and keep strong, Poker Wives.