new business

Hello everyone, a comment in my previous post was enough reason for me to update the blog. Finally I feel like this wasn't a total waste of time! Someone read it and related. My therapist advised me to stop writing because it was completely useless and most comments were destructive and dumb, hence my silence. But here I am for a quick update!

Josh has mostly stopped playing Poker. He's been focusing on his antique business and things are looking good. Only looking good, not being good actually (yet, I hope) because it's only been a few months. He started his own antique shop with a friend who already sells exclusive clothes (well, exclusive here, brands like Armistice, Rest of the World, Vans, Supra, Akomplice, etc), they created a whole new concept together of exclusive clothes + art pieces and the store looks great. It's a physical store, not online, in a very popular place in our town, with a lot of tourists and people walking around. So.. the prospects are good, but they aren't selling millions just yet.

Anyway it was definitely a step forward for him, he's now a "normal" citizen, paying taxes and all, he even has his own Visa machine and everything (I'm very impressed hehehe) like a real business man. Jokes aside, it's been good for him and for me, because I've been less stressed and more hopeful.

He went back to playing Poker this week, because the antique business doesn't bring money in every week and we have bills to pay, it's only an alternative source of income for now (which I'm hoping will become his main source of income). So... he went back to Poker Stars but hasn't been having much luck, from what I see, but I haven't been paying much attention to it, I confess. He told me he has a new strategy, but I don't know what it is (and I must say it scares me a bit every time he comes up with a new strategy, it's more like a new way to keep wasting money).

Oh well... that's it for the news, hopefully this blog will become less and less about poker and more about how we turned our life around.

Hope everything is ok with you guys, see you soon.

xoxo

Andrea

from playing too much to not playing at all

So... Josh has received his money and has spent the last few weeks investing part of it in antiques. He completely stopped playing poker and didn't add any money to his Poker Stars account, thank god.

 

He has also not yet begun to sell any of the antiques he bought (mainly lamps and small art objects). I'm a bit concerned about his lack of urgency, but since it's his life I can only offer some advice while watching him make his own choices. My step dad has also been helping him making the right purchases, so... at least I know he's not buying worthless stuff.

 

For now money hasn't been a problem, because of what he got from his family. But he'll have to make some on top of it soon. He has about a month before we go on vacations... let's see if he can sell anything by then... or if he restarts his routine at the tables.

 

About me.. I got a new job offer and am considering what to do with my life... I don't know what they're planning to pay me and not exactly sure on what the job will be, all I know is that it'll be far from home, although probably more interesting and with better career possibilities. More answers next week.

 

 

Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying FIFA World Cup!

 

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

some good news

Hey everone, good news today! Josh's family agreed to give him his share of the inheritance without involving the court. I was surprised, I thought they'd put up a fight. So, soon he'll have 15K to start his antique business and to pay expenses without having to withdraw money from his Poker account. Yay!

I won't have to pay bills or the food alone, but our deal still stands regarding him doing all the house chores and me paying for his bank loan (120 euros a month). This will only stand until the business kicks off and he's able to pay for everything he's due. And it's also for him to get used to having the money. I don't know. Actually I don't know why he doesn't start paying for everything on his own right now, but I think it's because he needs that crutch (me) to feel safe. I guess it won't kill me to help him make a smooth transition into independency/adulthood. Yes, I know how this sounds.

Anyway these are the news, I'm happy but also a little scared about the future. What if he decides to spend more than he should at the tables? What if the business doesn't prosper? What if these 15K act like a band-aid in a gun-shot wound? Letting him keep up with a lazy lifestyle for another 2 years or so, and ruining my dreams in the process? Yep, those are my concerns.

But, as usual, I'm taking a leap of faith and hope for the best. It's his call, his responsibility. I'll stick around, while I can.

xoxo

Andrea

josh's decision

Just a small update with good news. Josh has spoken to his grandmother about getting his part of his inheritance money in advance - the plan is to get it now and then not receive that part when they all "officially" share it. He has a brother and sister, not sure if I mentioned it earlier, and they all should agree on it. Surprisingly, his grandmother agreed. But he still has to talk to his aunt, and she's... bad news. We'll see what happens. If they don't agree, he'll go to court to get the money... but that will take ages... damn.

Anyway, the good news is he told me he wasn't going to invest the money in Poker anymore. He'll continue to play with the stash he still has, and invest whatever he receives into the Antique business. It's also risky, but at least he'll be buying goods, that are always of some value, not burning money away at the tables. I was very happy with his decision, not because he'll stop playing (he won't, for now), but because he's doing something different and that's the first step to get a different result.

Also, my stepdad will help him and train him and this is finally a way for Josh to learn "a trade" and start doing something that I consider "normal" for a living. Even though it's not 100% safe (what is, these days?) and it also requires investment, I look at it as normal, because that's what my step dad always did.

Next week he'll have an answer from his aunt. Fingers crossed.

xoxo
Andrea

here we go again

Well, I guess you saw this coming. Josh was doing fine for the last 5 months and recovered part of his miserable stash (got back on the 2K mark), but just last week he decided it was time to go up a level. So instead of playing his usual 7$ games he went up to 15$ (this is not all he plays, but it was the main change).

He had a bad swing and it only took a week to destroy his bankroll. Now he's back with 800 dollars or something, and desperate. I don' understand why he didn't stop and went back to the 7$ games on time. He says he's tired of waiting and playing for pennies. I guess that's what you guys call "tilting" but he said I was crazy.

So... now what? He's been investing in antiques, but the business is slow, so that doesn't help much. He continues to refuse to get a job, even a part-time job, because he says that will keep him away from the tables and from making good profit (I guess it would also keep him from losing, but he doesn't see it that way). His final resource, as ridiculous as it may be, it's his inheritance. His grandfather died about 10 years ago and he should be entitled to part of the money, but out of respect for his grandmother, he never demanded it. Now he says he's going to start the process in court.

I sincerily have my doubts because he's very... slow when it comes to doing something. I mean the guy has had the papers to get blood tests done for almost 2 months now (he hasn't done medical tests in 10 years) and he still hasn't done it. He has no idea how his health is going, but is so... "lazy" that he just stays home, the reason being "I have no time to do it". Right.

Whatever happens, I'm worried that it will fall upon me to help him, again. Because I'll have to say No, and it may be the end of us. On top of it all his mood is terrible and we've had several fights. On the last one he made me feel guilty for being so lucky in life (since I didn't go through the trouble he experienced and had a "normal" upbringing) and underachieved, because he undermined all my achievements, saying they were all thanks to my parents and not from my personal effort or responsible personality. He says I have no idea of what it's like to grow up without money, cause I always had whatever I wanted and my life was easy - hence, I'm not more accomplished than him, I'm just lucky.

My house and my car were bought with money I got from an inheritance (I was lucky, my dad died when I was 10 and then my grandfather killed himself, and when my grandmother died I got all the money, since there was no one left); my house is partly decorated with furtinure my parents gave me (I am such a lucky brat, my parents help me out). The funny thing is that he's enjoying the very comfort he criticizes.He never contributed a dime. But that's not lucky of him, if I'd ask him for rent or regular gas money I'd be a total bitch. Because I have stuff. And he doesn't.

So... basically that's where we stand right now. I'm worried about him, since he's so negative and can't find simple solutions to his problems and apparently would rather kill himself than get a part time job. I'm serious, this is really how he thinks! It's so crazy... and pathetic, really. I don't know what to do, or even if I have to do anything, since he's dealing with the choices he made. But I still worry. I guess for the first time I'll try something different - will continue to help him out with food and bills, but not try to solve his problems, and certainly not give him a single euro for Poker. It's like if he were unnemployed and I was helping him out. I know it's not the same... his lazy ass refuses to work. But it's the only (acceptable) option I'm figuring out right now.

Thank you for reading. I hope you're doing well and to hear from you soon.


xoxo
Andrea

all is well

Hello everyone! It's been almost two months since I've written, but everything is fine. I have been away exactly because everything is fine. Life with Josh has been peaceful and happy, although not much has changed: we've been keeping both parts of our deal, he keeps the house clean and does stuff for me, I pay our expenses. Recently there was a slight improvement - he said I didn't have to give him the extra 20 dollars a week, because he didn't feel well accepting them anymore. So now I just pay our bills, he pays for his food and everything else.

 

He's  doing relatively well at the tables, but no major breakthrough yet. He's also been having a few health issues, he noticed he was having high blood pressure and we had to see a doctor and all... there's nothing wrong with his heart, but now we have to wait for his blood results to see if there's any physical cause for the high blood pressure, or if it's only stress.

 

I think this shows how seriously he takes this, unlike many of you say. Yes he's had his share of lazyness and hasn't been the perfect player (far from it on the early years), but now he's seriously trying to find his financial independence. He's always had a skin problema due to stress (a rash that gets worse on stressful periods) and now it's showing on his blood pressure as well. Assuming there is nothing physically wrong with him, which is my belief.

 

On other news, our dog Frank is fine, I just got another tattoo (a pagan god) and I took a couple of days off, so it'll be all relaxing and fun until Monday, which is good because things are a little difficult at work. Many changes and annoying colleages... I needed a break.

 

If anyone cares, I do apologize for my absence, but I felt I didn't have anything new to share and sometimes the comments are completely useless and destructive, so I just rather not write at all.

 

Hope all is well with you guys and hope to hear your news on the comments' section.

 

xoxo

Andrea

stop reacting

Hello everyone. I've been quiet lately because... mainly because everthing has been going well. Josh and I have been getting along fine, I stopped meddling in his business instead of always trying to control his schedule, his habits, his choices... and things have been more peaceful. I'm reading Codependency for Dummies and it has been very helpful, specially when it comes to.. stop reacting to Josh. I'm trying to act now, have a life. Not just react to Josh's life and make it my business all the time. I've admitted to myself that I try to control his life as a "hobby" to keep myself busy, too busy to look inside my own life and realize what I really want from it.

He's also been making a lot of money (a lot for my standards). I'm actually scared to post this because I don't want to jinx things, but yeah, he's doing very well lately. Of course this doesn't mean anything special yet, he's just closer and closer to recovering his bankroll, but I think that his winnings will only become meaningful to me when he reaches the 10K mark, doubling his initial stash. And when he starts paying his own bills. For now our deal still stands: he does things around te house and walks the dog, I pay the bills, he pays his food. Anyway, of course that winning is far better than loosing and maybe that's also why life has been ok lately and I've been at peace.

Today I had lunch with my parents though, and it was a little stressful because they seem to enjoy shoving my failures in my face. For instance, I had planned a trip to NY with Josh and then that stopped making sense to me, because I don't feel I should pay for it alone and I'd rather wait for him to have his own money and we can both go as equals. So my step dad asked, with sarcasm, about my trip. And then he asked, in the same tone, about my marriage. Both of them old plans that aren't likely to come true anytime soon (me and Josh were thinking about getting married on May 1st this year, but this was many months ago, before I started doubting everything).

Anyway, I acknowlege those "failures" as I ackowledge my inability to remove myself from a relationship that doesn't make me 100% happy. But that's the best I can do right now: not denying what I am and have been choosing for myself throughout my life. Sad as it may be, I take responsibility for it.

Hope everything is going well with you.

xoxo

Andrea

a break from everything

Hello everyone, hope you had an excellent Christmas and New Year's eve. I'm now at my parents' country house, came here to get away from everything for a few days, I'll go back to work next monday.

 

Well, it pains me to say I wasn't able to break it off with Josh. I wrote my last post while I was at work and had my mind all made up and everything. I even talked to my therapist on the phone and she told me I was doing the right thing if that was what my heart was telling me to do, since I was particularly hurt by his behavior during Christmas. My plan was to go home, tell him he had a week to get out and then see how he reacted. If it became impossible for me to stay there, I'd tell my parents and temporarily move to their place.

 

However, the minute I got off the phone with her, I started panicking. I was barely holding my tears for the next hour I spent at work and finally burst out crying on the drive home. Why? The thought of hurting Josh was too painful for me to bear, simple as that. I wasn't concerned about how my life would be without him, if I'd miss him or if I'd regret my decision - it was simply that I couldn't deal with telling him that he wasn't loved anymore and he had to go live his life somewhere else. Specially because he had no clue what was going on thus far and I could tell he was already feeling pretty insecure about us.

 

So... yeah, I got home and just cried, I wasn't able to tell him anything. He asked what had happened and what was wrong and I just told him I was crying over what had happened at Christmas, since I hadn't had the chance yet. This was on... friday, December 27. The next couple of days were horrible, I was completely divided between my mind and heart, constantly telling myself "he has to go" or making plans for my "escape" (even found a room but when I called they told me it was already taken); while still always feeling sick to my stomach, my heart pounding like crazy and not feeling good about the "decision" at all.

 

I ended up telling Josh that things weren't cool between us anymore and that I basically didn't feel the same I used to, because of Christmas and because of our relationship in general (his lack of money in particular). After he knew this, we had a few arguments over the next few days, because he tried (to the best of his capabilities) to make me happy and loving again, but I was always distant and he was getting fed up of my mood (avoiding him all the time).

 

Finally, on December 31st, I decided to go away with my parents for a while to calm down and rest and get my shit together. So, I put my misery away for the night and we spent New Year's eve together with some friends (it was actually quite fun). And I came here the next morning.

 

Oh, by the way, I was totally busted on the blog! Well, not totally, but almost. I was stupid and being on edge all the time didn't help. He came in the room during a break from the tables, while I was aproving some comments, and I imediately shut my laptop's lid, in a totally suspicious way. When I refused to tell him what I was doing, of course he thought I was cheating on him on Facebook or something and stormed out. So I ended up telling him the truth, that I keep a blog about our relationship and Poker and that's why I had been asking him lots of questions about his gaming habits lately and that's how I got him that book you guys advised me (Poker Winners are Different), etc. He didn't show much interest. I told him I'd rather not tell him the blog's name and he was apparently ok with it. I'm not surprised, since he hates reading and even though I have personal diaries hidden in drawers and such, that he knows about, he's never read them (to my knowledge). He always says he has better stuff to do with his time than snooping around my stuff. I believe him, because what I have written on those journals would make his head pop... if he'd read them, I'd know.

 

So.. what happens next? I don't know. I am now completely frustrated that I wasn't able to break up, but this doesn't mean I have the strength to get it done. I feel like I'm in a limbo of some sort. For now I'll try to relax and enjoy my days away from all that mess... What have I decided? You will tell me I'm only putting off the inevitable, and that might be so, but for now my decision was to wait 3 more months. Three more months of paying the rent and bills, so that he can continue playing without touching his bankroll. He's been going deep on a lot of tourneys... I still have hope he wins a first place and recovers at least his 5K. When that happens, I might tell him to leave, because I won't feel so guilty about "kicking him out" and we'll both have a chance to start from zero, apart.

 

I'm still hoping for a miracle, I know. Meanwhile, I'll focus on being happy, for me, and making myself happy. As I've read in one of many articles I follow, I can:

End a codependent relationship not by focusing on separating from the other person, but by reconnecting with who you are.

Let's see how it goes.


xoxo
Andrea

a quick note

Just letting you know things are a bit chaotic in my head and heart right now, but I'm ok. After another terrible x-mas I made a decision, but I will write more when things develop a little, I'm still figuring out how to do what I have to do. Yes, I mean breaking up with Josh.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

working on acceptance

Hi everyone, things have been quite good this week, as they usually are after a big fight. Josh is still playing and going deep on tables, but no major final tables so far, he's finishing up in the final 100, final 40, it depends. But December is still halfway ahead of us and I'm hopeful.

 

Our last fight had at least one positive outcome: I've decided to stop obsessing about my problem. I was looking at this relationship from a million different angles, like I was testing a bug or trying to solve a Rubik's cube, and there's really no point in that. It is what it is. For now Josh is still more important in my life that out of it and I have to stop fighting that, it's exausting and meaningless.

 

So I'm focusing more on myself (also therapy-wise), on listening to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day and even trying remembering stuff in my childhood that I totally blocked out. No success there so far.

 

The day after our fight I went to my parents' house (I didn't tell them what happened) and my mom was talking to me for an hour, complaining about my step-dad. I love my step dad and I think their relationship is great, they do stuff together, he's sweet to her, he buys her gifts, he helps around the house... but my mom sees it differently. She was complaining that she can't tell him anything or he'll start with the "I'm always the one to blame" speech and that he doesn't help her enough around the house (I think he does), or that she feels unloved because he doesn't make her feel special.

 

Her complaints, making absolutely no sense to me (but I didn't tell her this, I listened and supported her, obviously), are 100% real and painful to her. This made me wonder about how much of my complaints could be perceived differently by another person. And ultimately, if I should work a little on acceptance as well - since I want to stay with Josh, for now, that is. I mean, it makes sense to try and not get mad about everything all the time (he didn't pick up after himself, he isn't paying me enough attention, he didn't shave and is always with his beanie on and looks like a bum, he doesn't pay his bills, etc etc). 

 

I think I need this now. Trying to relax and focus on myself, not getting upset over little things and over things I cannot change for now (leaving Josh). Acceptance of myself and of him. For now. Yep.

 

 

Hope you guys are ok, I wish you all the best.

 

xoxo

Andrea

small things

Hi everyone! Not much to say today, things at home have been rather peaceful, Josh is playing all the time and we're a bit distant now. He's been going to bed at around 7am. But I don't complain, it's nice to know he's focusing on the game.

 

Actually I think he's getting a bit obsessed, today he was talking about Poker in his sleep. He sometimes talks in his sleep, but I hadn't heard him going on about his hands yet.

 

This is my last day working away from home, yeaaaahhh! Next weak I'll go back to my usual routine of waking up only an hour before I have to be at work, instead of two. So, more free time to do what I want.

 

Christmas is coming and, although I'm not religious, I enjoy the season. Josh usually sets up our x-mas tree (I'm not very good with the decorations) and our house is all cozy and warm, I like spending time just laying on the couch with a blanket reading a book or watching my fav TV shows. I'm following Boardwalk Empire now (season 4) and reading The God of Small Things, beautifully written.

 

Let's see how things go, Josh has been winning some money, I hope he keeps it up and things can take a positive turn by the end of the year.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

the most important question you can ask

Hello! I read a very interesting article (click to read it all) about the things we want in life and how our perspective on them is actually wrong, I thought of sharing it with you.

 

According to the author, to become a fully accomplished person, we got used to asking ourselves a question - what do I really want in life? - and then lead our lives in a way that somehow would result in succeeding at those goals.

 

The thing is, answering that question doesn't get us anywhere. Our answers will always be something like to "live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room." Which basically means nothing and will only contribute to make us feel like loosers for the most part.

So, the alternative would be starting to ask ourselves another question - what pain do I want to sustain in life (in order to achieve certain goals?). What are we willing to do or put up with, in order to achieve this or that? That is the million dollar question and can really change our lives.

An example from the article:

 

"If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.

 

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all."

 

Since I'm searching for what I really want as part of the therapy process, this was a good exercise for me. When it comes to my relationship the (painfully) real answer is "I want to be with Josh, I am willing to have arguments regularly regarding his bad habits at home, I'm able to sustain the stress of living with a man who doesn't bring money home regularly, I want to feel nervous and sad every other day, I wish to doubt my future and get frequent stomach aches, I'm willing not to ever have children to stay with Josh, if I have to, I am able to wait for him to become what I need forever, even if that means waking up someday and be an old woman that no other man will want, I am ok with giving him an allowance so he can pursue his dreams and hopefully become what I wish him to be."

 

Hm... yeah. I know it's bad. But it's reality and I have to deal with it. I mean, do I really want these pains? Not really, but since that's what I have to put up with in order to be with Josh, the answer is yes, I really want them. For now. Hopefully my therapy and building my selfesteem will change my answer a bit.

 

When it comes to playing poker, thinking about Josh, I think his real answer wouldn't be "I want to be a successful poker player", but it had to be something like "I want to play poker and deal with months of insecurity, bad beats and coolers, I want to put my relationship at stake, I want to spend many sleepless nights playing and most of my days watching videos on Youtube to improve my game. I want to spend years trying to accomplish something even if it means reaching the age of 40 empty handed and with no job perspectives." I wonder if he'd really answer this, if he's aware of this... I guess I'll ask him later.

 

What about you? What do you really want in life? What are the pains you want in your life?

 

Have a nice weekend!

 

xoxo
Andrea

no means no?

Hello everyone. Just keeping the blog alive here. Things at home have been peaceful for a week (wow), Josh is spending lots of time playing the Micro Millions thing, yesterday he entered a 21 thousand people tournament and won 200 dollars, he played for 6 hours and got to the final 200 players. It was a little frustrating because I was secretly hoping he'd go further and, who knows, win the 15K first prize (that would be awesome), but... yeah.

 

He said he was going to change his strategy a bit and start playing MTTs (he only played Sit and Gos for the last year), from now on. This is somewhat "refreshing" to me, because I always thought he should play MTTs. Not that I know what I'm talking about, but I figure that if he can pay like 8 dollars to win 15K, he should try it from time to time, even if it's a long shot. He always said it wasn't a good idea because the game doesn't work based on "long shots", but on long term persistency and repetition, which means he might have to play dozens of MTTs to make sure he'd win something decent and he couldn't risk his bankroll like that.

 

Now, after seeing that he has gone far in several tournaments, he got his confidence up a little, and decided he's going to play more of it. Not sure if he plans on stopping SNG, but I don't think so and I hope not, I think he should play both to keep things balanced.

 

 

Now, regarding our relationship... What happened last time we had a huge fight was a small victory for me (not giving in, making him buy his pills and pick up the Dog License for me), but unfortunately, for boundaries to be deeply set, they must be tested, and those tests happen when we disagree, have a fight and I stand my ground (or not). So, I passed my first test. The problem is that sometimes fights don't happen often enough (ridiculous, but please understand) and this tends to make me "softer" which in consequence makes it more difficult to keep my boundaries when the next altercation arrives.

 

I was talking to my mom about this the other day. Her reaction was the same as many of yours: it can't be that difficult to leave someone if you're not entirely happy with the person. I showed her the book I'd just bough (Codependency for Dummies) and explained to her that I've had this problem since my teens, that I spent my whole life saying yes to men when I really wanted to say no. I didn't get into many details (she's my mom), so I didn't mention anything sexual (which happened several times), but I did admit to her that I'd accepted a guy's request to be his girlfriend (when I was like 20) only not to upset  him, and then I got home and texted him saying I was sorry but I didn't want to be his girl after all. She was a bit shocked to know this, lol. I can tell you a dozen stories of situations when I said yes instead of no (with other men, not Josh), for a single reason: not to be unpleasant and create what would be an awkward situation for me.

 

So we talked about how this problem only happens when it comes to men, because I have no problem standing up for myself with women. And we talked a bit about my real dad and how he might have influenced me to become like this, since I was always trying to make him love me and he was very demanding and cold and always busy.

 

So... yeah, to answer those who accused my therapist of being a charlatan, I disagree completely. It's very simple, actually. Imagine you found out that the way you lived your entire life was wrong, unhealthy or even dangerous for you (and I've had more than one dangerous situation because of my inability to say NO, the worst being almost getting raped). Imagine you'd have to learn how to live differently. Do you think you'd be able to change a little chip in your brain and wake up a new person? No.

 

It takes time. It takes tests. This can last months or years, depending on the situation. I'm still coming to terms with the reality of my life: I have to change the way I lead my life. And this has to be done in small steps. First I say no to buying him pills, then I say no to having sex if I'm tired and don't feel like it, then I say no to getting his dinner on the way home just so he doesn't have to move, then I say no to doing just about anything that goes against my will. Simple... but difficult.

 

Hope you guys are ok.

 

xoxo

Andrea

one day at a time

Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight.

 

I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.

 

Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.

 

Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

Hope you guys are doing good!

 

xoxo

Andrea

PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)

a long update

Josh didn't leave. Obviously. And unfortunately. If he had left, my beliefs and personal confidence would still be intact. But as he didn't, he had a lot to tell me and that, besides hurting me, made a huge mess inside my head. Right now I'm totally confused and feel terrible, like a kid caught doing something bad. I'll try to explain his arguments as well as possible.

 

First a little background.

 

During 2012 I was caught in a situation with an abusive tenant - I rented a family house (which I later sold) to some... man, who never paid the rent, destroyed the interior of my house and, worse, left me with a debt of 700 euros - because electrical power and water supply were in my name. I had to pay bills he accumulated and had lots of trouble getting him to leave (he was living there with two kids without water or electricity, gross). Ultimately it was Josh who got him to leave, by showing up with some friends that apparently intimidated him.

 

I am now accused in the police of robbing my own house, because the... man, to get back at me, fabricated a story of me going in "his" house and leaving with several electrical supplies, gold and whatnot. Josh is one of my witnesses as to those are all lies, but the process is still pending.

 

But moving on. When I first rented the place I was conviced I'd get paid 300 euros monthly (a bargain, but our market is terrible now), so I increased my expenses:  joined an expensive gym and started having piano lessons. An extra 160 euros a month, that I didn't have because wasn't getting paid.

 

Later that year, I got into another situation, this time with a cat. I bough a Scottish Fold kitten from this... woman, that ended up dying just 12 days after. Besides the horrible experience of having the cutest kitten sick and dying in our house (and all the trouble it created, since I was at work all day and Josh had to take care of it), it was another disaster to my account. I remembered having 200 euros in my account and withdrawing 220 to pay for the kitten. It was a mistake. I paid for the cat (I bought it alone, Josh didn't go with me and didn't participate in this, I just called him and he said he was ok with it, if I wanted it) and I had to pay for the Vet and then to take the woman to court for selling me a sick kitten (she didn't want to give me my money back). I ended up spending about 600 euros in all this and only got 220 back.

 

Meanwhile, that was also when I got my arm tattoed and spent a total of 1250 euros in it, in about 4 months. So, during that year, I spent money I didn't really have and still did my life as usual - out to dinner, parties, some make-up, etc. During that time I was also helping Josh: lending him money for his expenses, that he later paid. We did this, as I said, until the summer of 2013 - I lended, he paid (my problem was that he didn't pay when I wanted him to).

 

As I said in a comment (and may have mentioned earlier) I have now over 70 thousand euros in savings, from selling that family house and so on. That money is safely stached in savings accounts that grant me small interest every year. Smaller than the inflation rate actually, which means I'm not winning anything, I'm just not losing as much as if the 70K were in my current account.

 

Josh's point of view is the following:

 

When I lended him the 5K, he was supposed to make it to SuperNova level in one year, but only if he would play certain stakes. This meant that he either had to win at the game, or couldn't withdraw money every month. Or else, he'd have to lower his stakes. Since he didn't win and I demanded him to withdraw money every month to pay for his expenses, although he made 4500 dollars, his bankroll went down to less than 2K.

 

So, if I had cut back on my expenses a little (since I was going through all those difficulties), I wouldn't feel as compelled to demand monthly payments (this is true, I admit to that), which wouldn't have caused him to lower his stakes and ultimately (along with the ridiculous bad luck he's had, according to the EV graph) made it impossible to reach SuperNova or to keep his bankroll.

 

In Josh's opinion, if I'd moved part of my barely profitable savings - let's say 5K - to my current account and had used it to help pay for my expenses along the year, I wouldn't have felt so stressed, wouldn't demand monthly payments (he'd pay me back everything by the end of the year) and none of this would have happened.

 

Regarding his hair loss pills, he said he didn't understand why I couldn't pay for them because his only issue is that he doesn't have money in his current account, only on his credit card (that receives his PokerStars withdrawals) and the pharmacy doesn't take credit card payments. So I'd pay for the pills and then he'd go to the supermarket and buy me 23 euros (their cost) worth of stuff, with his credit card.

 

He thought I was being extremelly selfish on this particular occasion (pills) and that I was always blaming him for my poor decisions regarding my money. He said he didn't know if he could live like this, so he was leaving as soon as he got a ride to go. His bag is packed. I seriously doubt he goes, because I know he still loves me (or, as you might ask, does he love my money?).

 

He also said my low self esteem is always causing me to doubt that he really loves me and making me think that he's only there for the money, but that's bull, because he knows he can survive on his own, even if not with the same quality he has with me. And that he's only trying to earn more money to please me (so we can have a family soon) because if it was only for him, he'd live with 400 a month and didn't give a damn.

 

This was basically it. My head feels like a drum and I had a bad day at work yesterday. I don't know what to think, but I must find out what I want. I didn't buy him the pills though, he asked his grandmother and she paid for it. I'll go to therapy later, which will be good. Got to get my thoughts together. I think he has a point, but I'm afraid to be manipulated. Maybe I'm crazy and a bit paranoid and can't believe he loves me for me. Maybe not.

 

Thanks for reading all this, appreciate it.

 

xoxo

Andrea

the sh** has hit the fan

This morning before coming to work, Josh and I had a fight and he told me he was leaving me. I left the house anyway, right after he opened the closet to supposedly pack his stuff, because my country is on strike today and I only had one bus to catch if I wanted to get to work.

 

It all started last night, when he asked me if I had bought him his hairloss pills. I hadn't. I told him I wasn't going to buy them because that wasn't on the deal and I already have my bank account below zero (-550 euros actually). Besides, he already ows me around 100 euros for food and stuff that I wasn't supposed to be giving him. I feel bad. As his girlfriend, should I be helping him without asking for him to pay me back? This is what's going through my mind now, I already know your answer.

 

So, since I wasn't agreeing on buying him the pills, he refused to help me on something I needed. Our dog got surgery last month (I think I mentioned it) and I paid for it. It was over 500 euros, which I had to get from my savings because my account was already below zero then. We have insurance for the dog, but in order to get my money refunded, the insurance company asked me for the dog licence, that people can get in their local City Hall. But as I'm working far from home now, I have no way to go to my City Hall and get the document. I had asked Josh to get it before the pills' situation. After he realized I wasn't helping him with the pills, he told me he wouldn't get the paper and didn't care if I never got my money back.

 

That infuriated me. He said "I'm always doing stuff and you refuse to help me, so I refuse to help you too! I only do what's on the deal from now on!" and I told him in that case, and since the dog is actually his (because when we got separated he took the dog and that's what will happen if we part ways again), I wouldn't pay a single dime for him anymore (it pained me to do this, because I absolutely love my dog), his expenses like food, pest control or insurance. Josh just said "Fine!". I also told him that he was totally unfair saying that I don't help him, because I pay his bank loan, his bills and for his "housekeeping", and he'd have to get used to the idea that soon that help would end. Then I opened the door to go to work. As I did this, he said "I'm leaving, I'm leaving right now to [his family's beach house]." I stopped for a minute, the open door in front of me, but then I remembered everything I've been reading about codependency and "enablers", and I just left.

 

It was excruciating for me to do this. I got on the bus and felt sick, I called my therapist and texted my best friend, but no answer from both of them. During the trip to work I tried to remember everything I read online last night about codependency and enabling, specially on how enablers are allowing a person to live a lie; how enablers are stopping an addict (or debtor) from dealing with the consequences of their actions; and how enablers must STOP enabling and be very very strong, following through with their actions and their beliefs, even if the addict/debtor/gambler/child tries to manipulate them or pressures them to their limit. This was the case. 

 

My therapist called me when I was getting to work and she told me to try and relax, that I hadn't done anything wrong... that is my biggest fear, that I've been unfair and am losing my relationship because I wasn't giving enough, or was being selfish or was focusing too much on money... I don't know.

 

Now I feel terrible. I'm afraid of what will happen when I get home. Josh is so very proud, that I actually believe he might leave, after the threat he made and seeing that I didn't break. I pray to god he didn't leave, but I also know that if he did, it was for the best. Now I have to survive this day at work and gather my strength to see what's waiting for me at home. What if he commited suicide or something? God I'm so scared. You might think I'm crazy but I'm holding my tears right now. Damn, how did I get into this?

 

I hope everything works out, please Forces of Nature, almighty God and Goddess, let it be all ok when I get home. Please.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

the bargain

Alright, so yesterday Josh made me a counter-offer to see if we could continue our relationship in a way that would satisfy us both: for him this means not working, for me not feeling used. These were the terms of the deal.

 

On my part, everything would continue as we decided in September:

 

- I would pay the house expenses on my own (water, electricity and gas - we don't pay for cable TV, phones or Internet because I work for the company) - about 100 euros total (meaning I'd be giving him 50 euros)

- I would pay his bank loan monthly (125 euros)

- I would give him 20 euros a week (80 euros)

 

This is a total of about 250 euros worth of help.

 

He would:

 

- Do everything in the house for me, including: cooking, cleaning, laundry and walking the dog for me every single day - this sounded immediately good because I hate walking the dog on weekdays (we currently take turns walking the dog and I usually don't feel like doing it);

 

- The 20 euros a week could only be used to do things together as a couple, or for him to go out with his friends in case I want to stay home, but never for things that are exclusively his, like supplements; - this is also better, because the previous deal implied that if I wanted to do something with Josh, I'd have to pay even more, since he used those 20/week to do stuff for himself. So I was paying him 80 a month + any other cash spent in "couples stuff".

 

- He would continue to pay for his own food;

 

- I would only pay for the stuff above mentioned until he was able to recover some of his bankroll and, as it grew (supposedly), I would gradually pay less and less, until we would finally distribute our expenses equally.

 

 

 

He made a convincing point on how this was a way for us to be together and how he's not with me just because of what I can offer him, but also because he loves me, or else he wouldn't put up with my mood swings or indecisions or pressures or even try to change things to accomodate me.

 

So... basically now I'm thinking and looking inside to see if this would be ok with me or if the alternative (giving up and get separated) would be better. The main question is.. are these things worth my 250 euros? Do they balance themselves out? Is he working enough for me to feel good, to be worthy of my help?

 

It's tempting, because the deal seems now a little more balanced my way. But it's still a "deal", an "arrangement", a "sacrifice" of my finances... of course he'd also sacrifice by doing all that stuff... so the thing is trying to realize if I'd have good quality of life with this arrangement, or if I'd be going against my wants and needs again, by accepting it.

 

Must think about it... I am inclined to accept, because I don't want the relationship to end, but I'm not sure if that is reason enough, or if I'm just being co-dependent again. :(

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

first step

Ok, so yesterday I was reading a lot about codependecy and learned a few important things, very life-changing stuff. There were two major lessons for me:

 

A codependent relationship automatically ends when you develop a healthy, working relationship with your anger (in other words, yourself) and use that relationship as a springboard for creating and maintaining sound personal boundaries that protect you.

 

And

 

When you listen to your anger, form a bond with it, and work with it constructively — you naturally pay more attention to your boundaries or lack of them. And you set and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself.

 

And guess what? That kind of behavior is the complete opposite of codependency.

 

 

Read the whole thing HERE. (I just realized that angerisagift gained a whole new meaning for me hahaha)

 

So... I decided to set the boundary that is really missing in my relationship with Josh: to stop giving him or lending him money, since that is what makes me feel used and overall bad.

 

Along with it, I decided not to repress my anger anymore, which is something I constantly do with Josh. I feel violated, I push the feeling away; I feel used, I push it away; I feel deceived, I ignore it; I feel manipulated, I silence it. No. I have to stop doing this, I have to set and respect my own boundaries, I have to allow myself to get angry at what he does to me.

 

Baby steps. Yesterday I went home and explained to Josh that, since I have very little money available this month (actually I just got paid on the 20th and my balance is already below zero), I couldn't give him the 100 dollars we had agreed on (so he could go out with his friends or so). I told him he didn't have to clean the house, because I couldn't pay him. He didn't take it well.

 

He started accusing me of joining the gym and getting another tattoo done (I'm getting it on the 16th of November, so I need to save up some of my already out of balance account) and messing with our agreement. I told him I was sorry but I just wasn't feeling ok with our arrangement at all and had to put my needs first, even if they were just going to the gym or getting a tattoo. (Because I can afford those things, if I don't have a leach attached to my bank account.)

He then told me that he wouldn't clean or do any cooking for me (even though I am still paying for his bank loan and all the bills - I just cut him off on the extra 100 dollars). And he said that this way he wouldn't have any money to take me out or do fun stuff and I'd get bored. And that I was ruining everything. And that I ruined his dreams because I forced him to withdraw money from PokerStars more than he should have (to pay me what he owed me thoughout the year).

 

I kept my ground, apologized for the inconvenience, but kept my ground and told him he should also prepare for the day when I'd stop giving him/lending him money altogether, because that day is near. He was very upset and didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, not this morning, when I got up and he went to bed.

 

I feel sad, but this is necessary. If he loves me he'll find a way for us to be together without making me feel used, right? I hope I wasn't too harsh on him.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

a little chat

Well, I have to write this down so I won't forget.

 

I used one of Pokerdogg's comments to confront Josh with the real possibility of him finding a part-time job and still play poker. This is what happened.

Me: "You can plug in the games you play and see how many points you get. To achieve supernova status, you need to get 100,000 VPP in a year. I played with the numbers a bit, looks like if I stay disciplined, and play single table turbo SNGs, 10 tables at a time, I'll be able to play 100 matches per day. That gives me 611 VPP per day. I only need to play 164 days out of the year, or about 15 days/month." I found this at a poker forum, is this possible?

Josh: Yes

Me (I made this up to see what he'd say): He has a part-time job and also plays. What do you make of it? He doesn't have to withdraw from his bankroll.

Josh: Andrea... where does he have a part time? and does he make 200 euros a month? (it's what a part time pays here)

Me: I have no idea, he's not from around here.

Josh: right... LOL.. no wonder

Me: but wouldn't it be a solution for you?

Josh: If he lived in our country he'd play twice as much and win the 11K
Me: And live off what?

Josh: because working part time and make 200 euros would be ridiculous

Me: and live off what meanwhile? Since you say he shouldn't touch his bankroll...

Josh: Off his ass, I don't know.

Me: O.o  Why does this look like a bad solution for your case? Honestly.

Josh: Because working for 200 euros is just sad. I'd rather move to (his beach house) and become a fisherman.

Me: So... just to confirm, you intend to survive without touching your bankroll and without working, with my support, is that right?

Josh: I don't intend anything. Since you're always changing your mind, you figure it out.

Me: I can't figure out/decide your life... I think it's time you come clean about things.. meaning: to "intend" something, to admit your plans to yourself and me. Whatever they may be, it's important that you decide what to do with your life.

Josh: Right.

And from here on he just evaded the question. But I guess it's pretty clear what he wants. This time I'm not even expecting any innovative comment from you guys, this is just venting, pure and simple, so that I won't forget this conversation.

 

I'm still at work but it's pretty obvious we'll have an argument about it this weekend.

 

xoxo
Andrea

just a small update

Hello everyone, I caught a bad cold and have been in bed, I haven't been able to update or answer your questions. I'm actually fed up with thinking about all this. But I will find the time to go over his stats related questions you asked, specifically Pokerdogg's.

 

Things around the house have been pretty much the same, lots of tension mixed with peaceful periods. Josh hasn't been playing on account of his bad luck (well, he restarted yesterday). And I haven't had the patience to think about it.

 

We argue a lot, he still believes that because we're a couple I should "hang in there" while things go wrong, and pay for some extra things so we can keep a lifestyle that makes me happy (like movies, restaurant dinners and stuff), that he can't afford now, but will pay me back later when his luck improves.

 

I still believe I've given him enough and have actually started looking for a place to move, if it comes to that. I have a couple of friends that can take me in if I decide to break up with Josh. Kicking him out would be too dramatic and I don't want to go through it, I'd rather move out, give him a couple of months to go wherever he chooses to, and then return to my home.

 

It was my birthday the other day and he (again) made me feel bad. He went to his gym and was late to my birthday dinner with my family... oh and he only gave me my birthday present the next day, even though he had it at the house earlier. Me and my dad think all this is related to his past (he had a terrible childhood), because every year is the same: he always acts like my birthday is something completely unimportant and as if I had to be taught that. That's why he doesn't give me presents "on time" and despises any family events we organize. He has trouble dealing with family stuff, actually. I don't know if I told you his whole story yet... I believe not. Maybe on my next post. 

 

Meanwhile I found a broadcasting service (Justin.tv) I can use one of these days to show my face and answer some questions if you like to be 100% certain I am who I claim to be.

 

Hope things get better soon.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea