new business

Hello everyone, a comment in my previous post was enough reason for me to update the blog. Finally I feel like this wasn't a total waste of time! Someone read it and related. My therapist advised me to stop writing because it was completely useless and most comments were destructive and dumb, hence my silence. But here I am for a quick update!

Josh has mostly stopped playing Poker. He's been focusing on his antique business and things are looking good. Only looking good, not being good actually (yet, I hope) because it's only been a few months. He started his own antique shop with a friend who already sells exclusive clothes (well, exclusive here, brands like Armistice, Rest of the World, Vans, Supra, Akomplice, etc), they created a whole new concept together of exclusive clothes + art pieces and the store looks great. It's a physical store, not online, in a very popular place in our town, with a lot of tourists and people walking around. So.. the prospects are good, but they aren't selling millions just yet.

Anyway it was definitely a step forward for him, he's now a "normal" citizen, paying taxes and all, he even has his own Visa machine and everything (I'm very impressed hehehe) like a real business man. Jokes aside, it's been good for him and for me, because I've been less stressed and more hopeful.

He went back to playing Poker this week, because the antique business doesn't bring money in every week and we have bills to pay, it's only an alternative source of income for now (which I'm hoping will become his main source of income). So... he went back to Poker Stars but hasn't been having much luck, from what I see, but I haven't been paying much attention to it, I confess. He told me he has a new strategy, but I don't know what it is (and I must say it scares me a bit every time he comes up with a new strategy, it's more like a new way to keep wasting money).

Oh well... that's it for the news, hopefully this blog will become less and less about poker and more about how we turned our life around.

Hope everything is ok with you guys, see you soon.

xoxo

Andrea

from playing too much to not playing at all

So... Josh has received his money and has spent the last few weeks investing part of it in antiques. He completely stopped playing poker and didn't add any money to his Poker Stars account, thank god.

 

He has also not yet begun to sell any of the antiques he bought (mainly lamps and small art objects). I'm a bit concerned about his lack of urgency, but since it's his life I can only offer some advice while watching him make his own choices. My step dad has also been helping him making the right purchases, so... at least I know he's not buying worthless stuff.

 

For now money hasn't been a problem, because of what he got from his family. But he'll have to make some on top of it soon. He has about a month before we go on vacations... let's see if he can sell anything by then... or if he restarts his routine at the tables.

 

About me.. I got a new job offer and am considering what to do with my life... I don't know what they're planning to pay me and not exactly sure on what the job will be, all I know is that it'll be far from home, although probably more interesting and with better career possibilities. More answers next week.

 

 

Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying FIFA World Cup!

 

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

some good news

Hey everone, good news today! Josh's family agreed to give him his share of the inheritance without involving the court. I was surprised, I thought they'd put up a fight. So, soon he'll have 15K to start his antique business and to pay expenses without having to withdraw money from his Poker account. Yay!

I won't have to pay bills or the food alone, but our deal still stands regarding him doing all the house chores and me paying for his bank loan (120 euros a month). This will only stand until the business kicks off and he's able to pay for everything he's due. And it's also for him to get used to having the money. I don't know. Actually I don't know why he doesn't start paying for everything on his own right now, but I think it's because he needs that crutch (me) to feel safe. I guess it won't kill me to help him make a smooth transition into independency/adulthood. Yes, I know how this sounds.

Anyway these are the news, I'm happy but also a little scared about the future. What if he decides to spend more than he should at the tables? What if the business doesn't prosper? What if these 15K act like a band-aid in a gun-shot wound? Letting him keep up with a lazy lifestyle for another 2 years or so, and ruining my dreams in the process? Yep, those are my concerns.

But, as usual, I'm taking a leap of faith and hope for the best. It's his call, his responsibility. I'll stick around, while I can.

xoxo

Andrea

josh's decision

Just a small update with good news. Josh has spoken to his grandmother about getting his part of his inheritance money in advance - the plan is to get it now and then not receive that part when they all "officially" share it. He has a brother and sister, not sure if I mentioned it earlier, and they all should agree on it. Surprisingly, his grandmother agreed. But he still has to talk to his aunt, and she's... bad news. We'll see what happens. If they don't agree, he'll go to court to get the money... but that will take ages... damn.

Anyway, the good news is he told me he wasn't going to invest the money in Poker anymore. He'll continue to play with the stash he still has, and invest whatever he receives into the Antique business. It's also risky, but at least he'll be buying goods, that are always of some value, not burning money away at the tables. I was very happy with his decision, not because he'll stop playing (he won't, for now), but because he's doing something different and that's the first step to get a different result.

Also, my stepdad will help him and train him and this is finally a way for Josh to learn "a trade" and start doing something that I consider "normal" for a living. Even though it's not 100% safe (what is, these days?) and it also requires investment, I look at it as normal, because that's what my step dad always did.

Next week he'll have an answer from his aunt. Fingers crossed.

xoxo
Andrea

here we go again

Well, I guess you saw this coming. Josh was doing fine for the last 5 months and recovered part of his miserable stash (got back on the 2K mark), but just last week he decided it was time to go up a level. So instead of playing his usual 7$ games he went up to 15$ (this is not all he plays, but it was the main change).

He had a bad swing and it only took a week to destroy his bankroll. Now he's back with 800 dollars or something, and desperate. I don' understand why he didn't stop and went back to the 7$ games on time. He says he's tired of waiting and playing for pennies. I guess that's what you guys call "tilting" but he said I was crazy.

So... now what? He's been investing in antiques, but the business is slow, so that doesn't help much. He continues to refuse to get a job, even a part-time job, because he says that will keep him away from the tables and from making good profit (I guess it would also keep him from losing, but he doesn't see it that way). His final resource, as ridiculous as it may be, it's his inheritance. His grandfather died about 10 years ago and he should be entitled to part of the money, but out of respect for his grandmother, he never demanded it. Now he says he's going to start the process in court.

I sincerily have my doubts because he's very... slow when it comes to doing something. I mean the guy has had the papers to get blood tests done for almost 2 months now (he hasn't done medical tests in 10 years) and he still hasn't done it. He has no idea how his health is going, but is so... "lazy" that he just stays home, the reason being "I have no time to do it". Right.

Whatever happens, I'm worried that it will fall upon me to help him, again. Because I'll have to say No, and it may be the end of us. On top of it all his mood is terrible and we've had several fights. On the last one he made me feel guilty for being so lucky in life (since I didn't go through the trouble he experienced and had a "normal" upbringing) and underachieved, because he undermined all my achievements, saying they were all thanks to my parents and not from my personal effort or responsible personality. He says I have no idea of what it's like to grow up without money, cause I always had whatever I wanted and my life was easy - hence, I'm not more accomplished than him, I'm just lucky.

My house and my car were bought with money I got from an inheritance (I was lucky, my dad died when I was 10 and then my grandfather killed himself, and when my grandmother died I got all the money, since there was no one left); my house is partly decorated with furtinure my parents gave me (I am such a lucky brat, my parents help me out). The funny thing is that he's enjoying the very comfort he criticizes.He never contributed a dime. But that's not lucky of him, if I'd ask him for rent or regular gas money I'd be a total bitch. Because I have stuff. And he doesn't.

So... basically that's where we stand right now. I'm worried about him, since he's so negative and can't find simple solutions to his problems and apparently would rather kill himself than get a part time job. I'm serious, this is really how he thinks! It's so crazy... and pathetic, really. I don't know what to do, or even if I have to do anything, since he's dealing with the choices he made. But I still worry. I guess for the first time I'll try something different - will continue to help him out with food and bills, but not try to solve his problems, and certainly not give him a single euro for Poker. It's like if he were unnemployed and I was helping him out. I know it's not the same... his lazy ass refuses to work. But it's the only (acceptable) option I'm figuring out right now.

Thank you for reading. I hope you're doing well and to hear from you soon.


xoxo
Andrea

stop reacting

Hello everyone. I've been quiet lately because... mainly because everthing has been going well. Josh and I have been getting along fine, I stopped meddling in his business instead of always trying to control his schedule, his habits, his choices... and things have been more peaceful. I'm reading Codependency for Dummies and it has been very helpful, specially when it comes to.. stop reacting to Josh. I'm trying to act now, have a life. Not just react to Josh's life and make it my business all the time. I've admitted to myself that I try to control his life as a "hobby" to keep myself busy, too busy to look inside my own life and realize what I really want from it.

He's also been making a lot of money (a lot for my standards). I'm actually scared to post this because I don't want to jinx things, but yeah, he's doing very well lately. Of course this doesn't mean anything special yet, he's just closer and closer to recovering his bankroll, but I think that his winnings will only become meaningful to me when he reaches the 10K mark, doubling his initial stash. And when he starts paying his own bills. For now our deal still stands: he does things around te house and walks the dog, I pay the bills, he pays his food. Anyway, of course that winning is far better than loosing and maybe that's also why life has been ok lately and I've been at peace.

Today I had lunch with my parents though, and it was a little stressful because they seem to enjoy shoving my failures in my face. For instance, I had planned a trip to NY with Josh and then that stopped making sense to me, because I don't feel I should pay for it alone and I'd rather wait for him to have his own money and we can both go as equals. So my step dad asked, with sarcasm, about my trip. And then he asked, in the same tone, about my marriage. Both of them old plans that aren't likely to come true anytime soon (me and Josh were thinking about getting married on May 1st this year, but this was many months ago, before I started doubting everything).

Anyway, I acknowlege those "failures" as I ackowledge my inability to remove myself from a relationship that doesn't make me 100% happy. But that's the best I can do right now: not denying what I am and have been choosing for myself throughout my life. Sad as it may be, I take responsibility for it.

Hope everything is going well with you.

xoxo

Andrea

the most important question you can ask

Hello! I read a very interesting article (click to read it all) about the things we want in life and how our perspective on them is actually wrong, I thought of sharing it with you.

 

According to the author, to become a fully accomplished person, we got used to asking ourselves a question - what do I really want in life? - and then lead our lives in a way that somehow would result in succeeding at those goals.

 

The thing is, answering that question doesn't get us anywhere. Our answers will always be something like to "live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room." Which basically means nothing and will only contribute to make us feel like loosers for the most part.

So, the alternative would be starting to ask ourselves another question - what pain do I want to sustain in life (in order to achieve certain goals?). What are we willing to do or put up with, in order to achieve this or that? That is the million dollar question and can really change our lives.

An example from the article:

 

"If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.

 

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all."

 

Since I'm searching for what I really want as part of the therapy process, this was a good exercise for me. When it comes to my relationship the (painfully) real answer is "I want to be with Josh, I am willing to have arguments regularly regarding his bad habits at home, I'm able to sustain the stress of living with a man who doesn't bring money home regularly, I want to feel nervous and sad every other day, I wish to doubt my future and get frequent stomach aches, I'm willing not to ever have children to stay with Josh, if I have to, I am able to wait for him to become what I need forever, even if that means waking up someday and be an old woman that no other man will want, I am ok with giving him an allowance so he can pursue his dreams and hopefully become what I wish him to be."

 

Hm... yeah. I know it's bad. But it's reality and I have to deal with it. I mean, do I really want these pains? Not really, but since that's what I have to put up with in order to be with Josh, the answer is yes, I really want them. For now. Hopefully my therapy and building my selfesteem will change my answer a bit.

 

When it comes to playing poker, thinking about Josh, I think his real answer wouldn't be "I want to be a successful poker player", but it had to be something like "I want to play poker and deal with months of insecurity, bad beats and coolers, I want to put my relationship at stake, I want to spend many sleepless nights playing and most of my days watching videos on Youtube to improve my game. I want to spend years trying to accomplish something even if it means reaching the age of 40 empty handed and with no job perspectives." I wonder if he'd really answer this, if he's aware of this... I guess I'll ask him later.

 

What about you? What do you really want in life? What are the pains you want in your life?

 

Have a nice weekend!

 

xoxo
Andrea

a long update

Josh didn't leave. Obviously. And unfortunately. If he had left, my beliefs and personal confidence would still be intact. But as he didn't, he had a lot to tell me and that, besides hurting me, made a huge mess inside my head. Right now I'm totally confused and feel terrible, like a kid caught doing something bad. I'll try to explain his arguments as well as possible.

 

First a little background.

 

During 2012 I was caught in a situation with an abusive tenant - I rented a family house (which I later sold) to some... man, who never paid the rent, destroyed the interior of my house and, worse, left me with a debt of 700 euros - because electrical power and water supply were in my name. I had to pay bills he accumulated and had lots of trouble getting him to leave (he was living there with two kids without water or electricity, gross). Ultimately it was Josh who got him to leave, by showing up with some friends that apparently intimidated him.

 

I am now accused in the police of robbing my own house, because the... man, to get back at me, fabricated a story of me going in "his" house and leaving with several electrical supplies, gold and whatnot. Josh is one of my witnesses as to those are all lies, but the process is still pending.

 

But moving on. When I first rented the place I was conviced I'd get paid 300 euros monthly (a bargain, but our market is terrible now), so I increased my expenses:  joined an expensive gym and started having piano lessons. An extra 160 euros a month, that I didn't have because wasn't getting paid.

 

Later that year, I got into another situation, this time with a cat. I bough a Scottish Fold kitten from this... woman, that ended up dying just 12 days after. Besides the horrible experience of having the cutest kitten sick and dying in our house (and all the trouble it created, since I was at work all day and Josh had to take care of it), it was another disaster to my account. I remembered having 200 euros in my account and withdrawing 220 to pay for the kitten. It was a mistake. I paid for the cat (I bought it alone, Josh didn't go with me and didn't participate in this, I just called him and he said he was ok with it, if I wanted it) and I had to pay for the Vet and then to take the woman to court for selling me a sick kitten (she didn't want to give me my money back). I ended up spending about 600 euros in all this and only got 220 back.

 

Meanwhile, that was also when I got my arm tattoed and spent a total of 1250 euros in it, in about 4 months. So, during that year, I spent money I didn't really have and still did my life as usual - out to dinner, parties, some make-up, etc. During that time I was also helping Josh: lending him money for his expenses, that he later paid. We did this, as I said, until the summer of 2013 - I lended, he paid (my problem was that he didn't pay when I wanted him to).

 

As I said in a comment (and may have mentioned earlier) I have now over 70 thousand euros in savings, from selling that family house and so on. That money is safely stached in savings accounts that grant me small interest every year. Smaller than the inflation rate actually, which means I'm not winning anything, I'm just not losing as much as if the 70K were in my current account.

 

Josh's point of view is the following:

 

When I lended him the 5K, he was supposed to make it to SuperNova level in one year, but only if he would play certain stakes. This meant that he either had to win at the game, or couldn't withdraw money every month. Or else, he'd have to lower his stakes. Since he didn't win and I demanded him to withdraw money every month to pay for his expenses, although he made 4500 dollars, his bankroll went down to less than 2K.

 

So, if I had cut back on my expenses a little (since I was going through all those difficulties), I wouldn't feel as compelled to demand monthly payments (this is true, I admit to that), which wouldn't have caused him to lower his stakes and ultimately (along with the ridiculous bad luck he's had, according to the EV graph) made it impossible to reach SuperNova or to keep his bankroll.

 

In Josh's opinion, if I'd moved part of my barely profitable savings - let's say 5K - to my current account and had used it to help pay for my expenses along the year, I wouldn't have felt so stressed, wouldn't demand monthly payments (he'd pay me back everything by the end of the year) and none of this would have happened.

 

Regarding his hair loss pills, he said he didn't understand why I couldn't pay for them because his only issue is that he doesn't have money in his current account, only on his credit card (that receives his PokerStars withdrawals) and the pharmacy doesn't take credit card payments. So I'd pay for the pills and then he'd go to the supermarket and buy me 23 euros (their cost) worth of stuff, with his credit card.

 

He thought I was being extremelly selfish on this particular occasion (pills) and that I was always blaming him for my poor decisions regarding my money. He said he didn't know if he could live like this, so he was leaving as soon as he got a ride to go. His bag is packed. I seriously doubt he goes, because I know he still loves me (or, as you might ask, does he love my money?).

 

He also said my low self esteem is always causing me to doubt that he really loves me and making me think that he's only there for the money, but that's bull, because he knows he can survive on his own, even if not with the same quality he has with me. And that he's only trying to earn more money to please me (so we can have a family soon) because if it was only for him, he'd live with 400 a month and didn't give a damn.

 

This was basically it. My head feels like a drum and I had a bad day at work yesterday. I don't know what to think, but I must find out what I want. I didn't buy him the pills though, he asked his grandmother and she paid for it. I'll go to therapy later, which will be good. Got to get my thoughts together. I think he has a point, but I'm afraid to be manipulated. Maybe I'm crazy and a bit paranoid and can't believe he loves me for me. Maybe not.

 

Thanks for reading all this, appreciate it.

 

xoxo

Andrea

calling his bluff (and josh's HM stats)

Edit November 20, 2013: Josh showed me his HM is actually crazy (like, he's been playing for 6 hours and the program only shows 40 minutes), which means I can't be sure of the accuracy of the stats I posted before.

Yesterday I kept my ground and didn't go all "please don't go" on Josh. I told him he has to find an alternative to Poker, or... if he chooses to leave, I won't stop him or be upset. So yeah, I basically was calling his bluff.

We talked a bit about his stats and he even showed me Hold'em Manager. This might help answering some of your questions.. let's see.. he told me he plays games with 45 people max but usually will only go there if he wins enough on smaller games. His usual games involve 9 to 18 people (if I understood correctly) - that's all he plays now.

Regarding his attempt to reach the Super Nova level, he told me it would be impossible to achieve only with 5 thousand dollars (what I gave him last year, when he said it would be a piece of cake) because there could be major losing streaks (he mentioned one of 20K by some pro). His winnings in a year come to 5K, including rakeback, and he plays an average 30 hours a week.

He also told me about something called EV (no idea what it stands for) and how it showed he would be losing much less if he wasn't having suck bad luck for such a long time. This is his actual graph:

 

The green line are his winnings, the yellow his winnings + rake and the red what he'd be winning if he wasn't so unlucky. That's how he put it. This is a screen he sent me through Facebook, that's why it's very small.

Later I was able to get the following screens from his computer (all stats are from the entire year). You can see the photos in a larger format by CLICKING HERE (it has all the pics of this blog, so you'll find a chicken there also, haha).

 



 

 

 

 

Regarding your comments and advice... I know you keep hoping I kick him out, and I totally understand it. But as some of you already know (thank you Pokerdogg), this blog isn't entirely about getting advice (or following it blindly), but getting some personal clarity! Your advice is good, reasonable advice. But I'm not an entirely reasonable person.

 

Anyway, I am feeling very disconnected from Josh lately and this might result in some permanent change of the way I feel towards him. For now I'm just evaluating the situation... but if he were to leave me today, I wouldn't try to stop him. And this is quite different from how I was feeling a couple of months ago.

I'm now working a bit far from my house (one hour away by train), which leaves me little time for myself and very little patience for Josh's difficulties. So I'm feeling pretty saturated... but I don't know if this is how I'll feel when I get back working at my company's headquarters, near my house, in January and everything settles down. One thing is for sure, I don't feel the same way I did a few months ago.

Just... living one day at a time, always. Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Andrea

threats and more threats

Hi guys. I'm a bit upset today.

 

Josh and I were talking just now, he was complaining about his bad luck and told me that if things go on like this he'll have to leave my house. I asked him where to, he said he didn't know, just leave. Actually his exact words were "when my bankroll dries out, I definatelly will not work at a store... and you won't support me, so I'll leave, just go somewhere".

 

I told him that if that is the case, maybe he should start building an education, take some courses or something, while he still has money, so he can later pursue a "normal" job. He immediately said no. He said that entering the market at 30 years old and earning $1000 was out of the question. So I told him "well, fine, at least you're aware of your situation". And that was that.

 

He believes that the problem in his life isn't Poker and the fact he doesn't win anything, but me and the "pressures" or "influences" as he puts it, that my presence implies. He believes that if he moves somewhere else he will be able to save a lot more, because I make him spend money. This is ludicrious to me, but what can I say? I mean, I'm paying all the bills from now on (and until now I helped him pay and he paid me back later), I pay my half of the food, I pay him an extra $25 a week for him to do whatever he wants. He speaks as if I was like a little tempting voice inside his head telling him to go eat beef every week or go out drinking every two weeks or spend his money unwisely.

 

Besides, he blames my father for raising false hopes regarding the antique business. He bough a few things and now claims he was wasting money based on the false idea my dad gave him (that the business would go just fine). Damn... is it me, or is he not taking responsibility for his choices?

 

I think I have nothing to apologize regarding my lifestyle. I've always tried to save money, since I was a kid. I usually don't indulge in stupid spendings, and even when I do, I pay my credit cards entirely every month, without interest fees. I don't eat at fancy restaurants and I certainly don't force Josh to do so. I think he's just angry for losing so much and is blowing off steam with these threats of leaving me.

 

Maybe he expects me to say that I will support him no matter what, that I will accept my "blame" for making him spend money he shouldn't have from his bankroll (the bankroll I provided him with) and give him back those 2K (or so), so he can get back on track. But I feel like he's always trying to get back on track. And my patience isn't the same as it was a year ago.

 

So... yeah, if he decides to leave, if he convinces himself of the preposterous idea that I'm responsible for his life choices and his finantial situation, I'll have to let him go. I just have to.

PS: I will try to post his Hold'em Manager stats as soon as I have a few alone moments in the house, so you can get a better idea of how he's doing at Poker.

long lost lady luck

Hello everyone. So... two weeks without a word, but this is a good sign, I guess it means I don't have much to complain about lately. Things at home have been not picture perfect, but... they've been ok (he's still cooking and cleaning!). My mood is a bit strange though, for these past weeks I've been noticing some changes regarding my feelings for Josh, mostly because I'm disappointed and tired of waiting for the great life he promised me a year ago.

 

Josh complains this was one of the worst years he's had since he started playing poker. According to his stats, he should be winning like $3500 more than he did, because of the so called "suck outs". I wonder if this is normal... I mean, I know Poker can be a game of patience and losing streaks can last a long time, but.. a whole year? I don't know. I'm not saying I don't believe him, but I just don't know if this is normal. He complains that he's been losing with the best hand over and over on Poker Stars, and when he wins it's only enough to compensate for what he's already lost. So basically he isn't losing, but also not making any money, which makes life complicated for us.

 

Meanwhile, he started reading "Poker Winners Are Different" and we went through the first chapter together, the one with some sort of quizz to help the reader compare himself to a typical "Winner". I was surprised to see he's thinking straight, he answered the questions honestly and when we compared the results with what a winner would do, he would have done the same on every question, except the first. If I recall it correctly, on the first question they asked how many callers he'd want if he went all in with pocket aces. He answered 1 and the book said that, considering long term results, the best would be always to have as many callers as possible with that hand, so 9 callers. That's chinese to me.

 

I was thinking about posting his Holdem Manager stats here, without his name, so you could get a better idea of the type of player he is and give me your opinion, but... that means I have to use his computer when he's not home. So for now I'll ask: what was the longest you've been without winning (I mean without covering your losses and winning on top of them)?

 

And... I'll keep waiting for Lady Luck to find her way back to our house, she must have gotten lost or caught up somewhere.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

to lie or tell the truth about your job

I've been reading some posts on the twoplustwo forum and one of the issues that caught my attention was the hard time professional players have explaining others what they do for a living, or trying to be accepted. This also happens to Josh, and to me, when someone asks me what he does.

 

When he first started playing for a living, 4 years ago, he told his friends and family, but wasn't comfortable with telling the truth to acquaitances. His family didn't take it well, immediatelly trying to make him quit and go back to a "real" job. My parents didn't take it seriously, they didn't imagine it would last this long, I'm sure. But for everyone else it seemed there would be too many explanations involved and that it would be easier just telling a little lie.

 

So, now I only tell the whole truth when I absolutely have to. On most occasions I just say "my husband works at home", because that leads to a world of possibilities that require no explanation: he could be a freelance designer, a stock investor, or whatever other "respectable" jobs you can do from home.

 

The issue with Poker is, obviously, its connection to gambling and with the idea of addiction. My real dad was a computer engineer and worked at least 12 hours a day, but that was ok, no addiction there... wait, what? Yeah.

 

Although other jobs can be equally addictive, Poker can have you loosing your entire family savings in no time. So.. it's understandable that most of the people I tell the truth to have a some kind of reaction. Men usually get excited, consider it "great" and say they wish they could do the same thing, or that their wives/girlfriends allowed them to do the same thing. Women just stare at me with a mix of amazement and worry in their eyes.

And then comes the explaining (or my general idea of how the game works) - that he pays only a small ammount to enter tournaments where he can win a lot, or just plays low stakes sit and gos and slowly builds his monthly income, that he doesn't go to the casino (this is usually reassuring to women and strange to men) and only plays online.

 

Making a living off online poker is the equivallent, for many people, to being a couch potato, someone lazy, unqualified for a better job, someone very irrealistic and immature or just plain dumb. The line between a professional player and a degenerate gambler is thin... and people have no trouble judging others, even if they've never even met Josh. I don't blame them. We all need some order in our lives and sometimes that means putting people into little boxes we can easily define, understand and relax about.

When I say my husband plays poker, the immediate reaction will most of the times be: poker = gambling = addiction = no stability or chance of a good future = she's doomed. So, instead of saying it and getting pity from others, I just lie and dream of a better world, like that chicken down there.

What about you?

 

alright I might have overreacted a little bit there

Hello everyone, here is the first scheduled post I told you about. I'm posting them once a day to keep the blog going at a good pace. 

So... last night me and Josh were arguing until 5am and I asked him to show me exactly how much he's earning, and it ended up being about 450 dollars a month instead of 200. I mean, it is still a lot less than what I make, but not as horrible as I thought.

We ended up having the same fight in which I say he should get a job and he says he wasn't made to work at something he hates (basically he hates any job in this world, that he is qualified to do at least) and that he would rather earn 450 playing poker than a little more doing something else and being unhappy for the rest of his life. (as I said earlier, I don't want to give you specific details about my location, but I can tell you that in our country the minimum wage is about 550 dollars. Yeah, we're barely third-world.)

So it all comes down to this: he makes 450 dollars, which isn't much, and he only makes it every other month, which is worse. I have some important thinking to do. Any projects such as having a baby, getting a bigger house or having some special vacations are completely out of the question, unless I pay for it all. But at the same time, I don't picture myself doing any of those things with another man. 

Josh has the money issue, and the whole pride issue that makes it impossible for him to quit Poker and start washing floors, even if he's close to starvation. But other than that we get along great, we have things in common, we live in the same world, I respect him, I like the way he thinks (about everything else), I mean, we share ideals, my parents like him (also, apart from this aspect of his), and we have, as you've read, a huge past, a real struggle behind us. I don't want to feel like it was all for nothing. And yes, I love him very much. My love for him is huge and is only shadowed by the position he puts me in by lacking his own money and alternatives to get more money.

Basically I have no idea of what I should do, how we should organize our finances and what would be comfortable for me while not being indulgent for him. I feel so alone in this situation. Are there any couples going through the same?? Ugh...

Oh well, I guess it's Google time, going to search for some other despeate housewives out there. 

Thank you for reading.

xoxo

Andrea

shocking truth

Hello my fellow Poker Wives... I'm pretty shaken up today, let me tell you why.

Me and Josh have been struggling with our new lifestyle, where supposedly he has to pay for his share of things, and I pay for mine. It has been a struggle because.. he has barely any money and because I wasn't entirely aware of how little he has.

So.. it's been very difficult for me, for instance, to go with him to the market and see his tension and how he worries about what he can or cannot buy, when he had never acted like the before, while I was paying for everything. It's amazing how he just didn't care...

It also sucks not to be able to do half the things we did before, when I was paying. Now we don't eat out, we don't go to the movies (unless I pay) and we don't go out, because he has no money. It's incredible how much the lack of a "margin" (my bank account) can change our lives. Suddently he has no money at all for anything that isn't his food or gym.

He explains this situation by accusing me of "leading him" to having spent more money than he should for years, which resulted in him not having any savings and now being unprepared to live without my financial help. According to him, my lifestyle was "contagious" in a sense that, as I didn't care how much I spent, he didn't care how much he spent, even though he had (I came to find out) pennies to live by. This doesn't make any sense to me, since, as I explained earlier, when we had dinner together he would eat 15 dollar ribs while I got the 5 dollar burger (this is just an example). So... I think he's just refusing to take responsibility for his choices. I mean, if I have enough money to eat out, I don't have to worry about my expenses... but if he doesn't have money, he should worry about his!!! It seems pretty easy to understand, but he thinks different.

Anyway... yesterday I had the most shocking conversation with him. I found out that he earns like 200 dollars a month, playing poker. OMG. Like three thousand a year, which is what I make in a only couple of months! And he still thinks it's awesome!!! How can this be? I mean, I'm speachless. Keep in mind that he has a monthly payment of 120 dollars (the bank loan he got years ago), which means that he has about 100 dollars to live with every month. If I wasn't in his life he would starve!

I don't know how he will deal with this reality in the future, but I must stay strong and continue not to pay for anything as much as possible, so he can understand things. I mean, he is completely delusional... he thinks that, since he invested 5K and has earned around 3K in one year (200 dollars a month), he is a successful investor. Really, Josh, really?! Yeah, it's awesome to earn almost 3K in a year investing only 5K, but that's not as great if it's the only money you have to live your life!

Will he ever wake up? 

What do you think? Any advise on how I should handle this? Comment or email me at wivesofpoker@gmail.com.

chapter X - tired of BS

This past year went on "fine". I would pay for everything, he would pay me back from time to time. Josh reached August owing me 700 dollars - money he couldn't pay me on time and accumulated for the next month. 

This situation started to grow on me by April or so - I felt exploited. His promised 800 dollars a month never came, he would have 400 hundred at the most, while still living "large" and going out and having dinner.. all on me. I say living "large" because Josh isn't a guy with expensive tastes. He doesn't go on buying clothes or drinking his money away. The only thing that is obviously above him is his new taste for body building.

Yeah, after the whole soccer thing went to hell (because of the "female friend" and also because one of the guys from the group slept with another one's girl - a really nice croud as you can see), he started pumping iron at the gym. His body looks great, that's for sure, and maybe that's why I still love him after all of this, because all my exs were fat and ugly as shit. But he spends lots of money on supplements like whey protein and whatnot... fortunatelly no steroids - he has considered it, but it's just too dangerous.. and too expensive. 

Supplements and food - those are his too main expenses. He doesn't spend money at the gym because he works out at his grandmother's garage (he built a small gym there). He does like 5 meals a day, all meat, and of course that becomes more than he can spend.

Anyway, after numerous fights because the money wasn't coming in steadily, we decided it was time to change things. I decided I wouldn't pay for anything from that moment on - he would have to pay for everything he needed, without my help. Food, gas, bills, all split in half. He didn't take it well, of course. I don't know what goes on in his mind to even think he has the right to disagree, but he did. 

But I kept my ground, I had to... or else we would live this lie forever. He would never realise how little he really earns at the tables and how miserable his life is... now it's all hitting him, hard. And it's been a tough ride, so tough that I consider breaking up just not to be forced to witness his despair: knowing he won't go anywhere playing poker, but not being able to accept it and make a real change in his life. He's like.. paralyzed. And it's a horrible thing to see, night after night screaming at his computer when he looses a hand, hours at the (virtual) tables to make a miserable 40 bucks, if he's lucky... I will tell you all about how it is to live like this in my next posts.

Now you know my story and I'm hoping you can open up and share yours with me.

Do it on the comments section or email me at wivesofpoker@gmail.com.

Keep sane 

xoxo

Andrea

chapter IX - going under

Debt. If you live with a Poker Player you're very familiar with the term. So far, during the 6 years of our relationship, I've lended him money on several occasions and got in debt with him in one. Somehow I always trusted it would be different, that he would end up reaching his goals and paying me as he promised. But he's been using me as if I were a bank account, a no limit credit card. Let's see...

I paid for his new computer with my credit card (he didn't have one at the time) and agreed he would pay me monthy the ammount I was paying the bank (in about 10 times). He stopped paying me after 3 or 4 months. I paid for his first suit, so he could go work at the bank - his grandmother paid me back later on. I lended him a thousand dollars and had him sign a piece of paper promising he would pay me back within a few months, I believe we agreed on 6 months - he never kept his word. And on a day to day basis, as I told you before, I paid for everything in half, even if that meant I was paying more than my fair share - for instance, imagine we went out to dinner, I'd eat a 5 dollar burger and he'd eat a 15 dollar plate of ribs...  I'd pay 10 dollars, instead of only 5.

So it would be imaginable that, by the time he came back to me and started "dreaming" again, exactly one year ago, I would have some sense in my mind... but no. Last summer he started talking about a new poker strategy he could pursue in PokerStars that would grant him 5 or 6 thousad dollars guaranteed by the end of 2013: rakeback.

As he explained it to me, PokerStars has rakeback levels, which means that the more often you play, the higher your level goes and after reaching a certain level (SuperNova he said) you would get tons of money regardless of what you won or lost at the tables - you'd get it just from playing there. His goal was to achieve the SuperNova level next year (2013) and by December make an extra 6 thousand dollars or something. All this, while still being able to withdraw like 800 dollars every month to pay for his expenses. All he needed was 5 thousand dollars to play as often as he possibly could.

My initial reaction was saying no, showing him how he never honoured his word and that was why he was so alone in the world. He said (of course) this time was different, it was guaranteed, and if he didn't make it with 5 thousand dollars he was never gonna make it. I had about 15 thousand dollars left from my inheritance and I figured this would be my last effort to help him out. He said this was his chance to really get the money flowing and for us to finally have a normal life and think about building a family. He also said that he could pay me back when he got his inheritance (when his grandmother dies... geez). 

So I agreed, but this time I took it a bit further and asked a lawyer to put it all on paper. I now have a signed legal contract saying he has to pay me back my money by the end of 2013, or when he receives his inheritance. Not only the 5 thousand he asked me, but all of it, which is about 8 thousand dollars. If he doesn't, I can sue him.

Now that I think about it, it's making me feel sick. Even owing me 3 thousand dollars from before (which include all the money I lended him in 4 years), and still owing like 4 or 5 thousand to the bank, he was still able to believe his ridiculous fantasy enough to take another giant loan from me. And I was still able to believe this time would be different. 

Now I know it's never going be be different. He will never win big time at the tables and he will never keep his word regarding business or money. I will not lend him another dime in my life, so help me God.

chapter V - another day, another... fight

After being together for almost 3 years, I got my own place and Josh started talking about moving in together. Moving to his house wasn't an option for me for several reasons. First of all I had a brand new home, fully equipped and beautifully decorated (my father owns an antique store and got me a bunch of 70's furniture, lamps, paintings and objects). 

Second of all, Josh's house was a mess - his constant rampages caused him to break things around the house whenever he lost, and he also wasn't exactly a tidy person. I'm talking about kicked in doors, several desks broken in half, and tons of dishes laying around in the sink every week waiting for the cleaning lady (payed by his grandmother) to arrive. 

And finally, because his house always creeped me out. His parents died under tragic circumstances and I never felt comfortable around the house. I'm not saying it's haunted, but... I'm not saying it isn't. I don't know, I guess I'm a little paranoid, but the idea of living there just didn't feel right.

So he ended up moving in with me, although I wasn't totally ok with it, I was enjoying living alone (I did so for about 6 months) and didn't feel ready to have him "invading" my space. Actually we had a big fight the week he moved in and I was thinking about calling the whole thing off, but, as always, I gave in. My love for him, or obsession or whatever you wanna call it, always spoke louder. 

He moved in late November and by June he was out - I basically kicked him out, and I will tell that story in my next post. But during those months our lives just got worse and worse, thanks to the lack of money, my feelings that he wasn't trying hard enough, that he was using me and he didn't really love me. Our finances were organized in a simple way: I payed for everything, he would pay me back when he could, depending on how well he did on the tables.

This, along with the fact that he didn't help around the house and didn't treat me right, became unacceptable for me and it all went down in flames when I found out he had been cheating... again.

chapter IV - troubles ahead

The whole point of quitting his job and dedicating himself to poker was to try and get sponsored by Full Tilt Poker or PokerStars or something. This was Josh's first goal (should I say fantasy?) that he eventually dropped and moved on to the next. His goals always seemed pretty realistic, until we saw he wasn't going to make it. Every single time.

After a few months he decided to take a loan so he could play higher stakes and, supposedly, win more money. Since he didn't have a job and no guarantees whatsoever, I was the one who had to step in with the Bank. We took a joint 10 thousand dollar loan, that he has to pay monthly (like 125 dollars) for 6 years. This meant opening a joint account in my Bank and represented the first rope around my neck, which proceeded to tighten.

After taking the loan we went on vacations and he spent much of it, convincing himself he was entitled to have a "normal", one month vacation (WTF), which means he just stopped playing poker for that period of time. 

When he got back to playing he had a really long bad run and lost almost everything. Basically the loan money went straight to hell and he's still paying for it every month.

Speaking of Hell, that's where he was heading to the following months.

chapter III - poker dreams

About 6 months after getting his job at the Bank, Josh started to intensify his poker activity. By then, Full Tilt Poker was his world and he was making some serious cash (for a 24 year old anyway). I remember he used to take his laptop to the toilet so he wouldn't miss a round and he was more and more convinced he would be able to be among the world's finest poker players, if only he had more time and more money to play.

After a couple of sleepless weekends, when he earned like 1000 dollars and skipped work, he decided to do it. He told me he was quitting his job and would play full time from then on. Getting an education or finding a better job was completely (and still is) out of the question.

Believe it or not, I was ok with it. By then I was still living with my parents and didn't realise the risk that decision brough upon our future. I figured, if he wanted to try, he should try it as soon as possible, and not when we were married and had kids. I also thought that he would have the ability to see and recognize if it wasn't working, and to stop and change directions if necessary.

That was a huge mistake. I mean, not that I supported his decision, but that I couldn't see that he wasn't mature enough to know when to call it quits. Now, 4 years later, he still isn't among the best of the best (not even close). He isn't sponsored. He has debts (some of which I share) and he is basically broke.

Thank you for reading this far, feel free to share your stories on the comments section.

xoxo

chapter II - one tough cookie

My relationship with Josh had many problems and money wasn't, by then, the biggest of them. Although I supported him, respected him and even pampered him with gifts from time to time (like buying him an expensive watch for his birthday and not getting a single birthday gift in return when I turned 25), I felt like he didn't love me back. After a few years I realised he did love me, but his poor behaviour as a boyfriend was the best he could do for anyone.

My worst struggle was dealing with the fact he didn't value me, or recognized what I meant to him. This is something that, because of his choices in life and how we live our lives, I still feel to this day.

A few days after my birthday, he cheated on me. I couldn't bring myself to break it off by then, because I was finishing my Master's Degree and breaking up would ruin it for me, I just wasn't enough emotionally stable to do it. So a few months went by, I finished my thesis and we broke up because of how he reacted to it: pure indifference. He didn't congratulate me, didn't care for how good my grades were (and they were good) and he basically ressented me for being successful. 

I couldn't deal with such lack of empathy and of... love, and broke up. But I still loved him... so two weeks later we ended up getting back together.