poker no more!

Hello everyone,

It's been ages since I've been here, but I felt like I shouldn't leave without "ending the story", sort of. The fact is that Josh is no longer playing poker, for... more than a year now. The game was forbidden in our country, so all major sites are down. New laws are being made about it and trading has already become regulated, now belonging exclusively to a national company (with terrible rates), which means people are also abandoning it. Not that Josh used to do trading, but... with poker the future is unknown.

The last time we spoke about it he was asking me to use my credit card (again) to restash, and I said no. He got angry, I stood my ground, and he never asked me for money to play again. That was a long time ago.

So, for the time being, he isn't playing. He's been focusing solely on his antique business and I'm glad to say it's going pretty well. He deals mainly on antique lamps and decorative pieces (like italian glass, ceramics and some paintings) and he sells to stores, which later resell them for twice their price. That's how it works here, if you have a store, you can ask for those prices. But having one is a big step for Josh and a risk he's not willing to take in our economy. Oh, he had a partnership with a friend that I talked about on the previous post, but that didn't work out, so he took all of his stuff out of the store and began to sell it on his own, which worked a lot better.

Our dog Frank is doing fine, we've been fine. I'm still working at the same company and life seems... stable now. No kids though. Josh's temper and my insecurities play a big role here... I think we're not ready (or if we ever will be) and I've just turned 32, so... who knows. Our relationship is still a bit bumpy, but nothing like the nightmare I lived in before. He actually took me to Italy for my birthday as a surprise gift! That was like "whoa", so not like Josh, it seems like he finally learned to appreciate me.

So... yeah that's it for this little update. This past year has been very good compared to what came before and I'm hoping and praying things keep getting better.

Hope you guys are doing good. I would like to thank you for the interest and all the positive comments and emails I received, thank you for your patience and for being open-minded enough to understand my dependency and inability to leave when everyone was telling me to do so. I started defending myself more, creating boundaries (and keeping them up), not allowing abusive behavior, not doing anything I though he was capable of doing by himself, and saying no. That was the recipy to make my relationship work.

Hope this blog can continue to help women who are going through a similar situation, I will check this email from time to time, but if you need some urgent advice, leave me a comment and I'll get a notification on my personal email account (as you know this isn't my real name and I use a different mail for this blog).

Thank you for being there! I wish you all the best and good luck at the tables :)

xoxo
Andrea

new business

Hello everyone, a comment in my previous post was enough reason for me to update the blog. Finally I feel like this wasn't a total waste of time! Someone read it and related. My therapist advised me to stop writing because it was completely useless and most comments were destructive and dumb, hence my silence. But here I am for a quick update!

Josh has mostly stopped playing Poker. He's been focusing on his antique business and things are looking good. Only looking good, not being good actually (yet, I hope) because it's only been a few months. He started his own antique shop with a friend who already sells exclusive clothes (well, exclusive here, brands like Armistice, Rest of the World, Vans, Supra, Akomplice, etc), they created a whole new concept together of exclusive clothes + art pieces and the store looks great. It's a physical store, not online, in a very popular place in our town, with a lot of tourists and people walking around. So.. the prospects are good, but they aren't selling millions just yet.

Anyway it was definitely a step forward for him, he's now a "normal" citizen, paying taxes and all, he even has his own Visa machine and everything (I'm very impressed hehehe) like a real business man. Jokes aside, it's been good for him and for me, because I've been less stressed and more hopeful.

He went back to playing Poker this week, because the antique business doesn't bring money in every week and we have bills to pay, it's only an alternative source of income for now (which I'm hoping will become his main source of income). So... he went back to Poker Stars but hasn't been having much luck, from what I see, but I haven't been paying much attention to it, I confess. He told me he has a new strategy, but I don't know what it is (and I must say it scares me a bit every time he comes up with a new strategy, it's more like a new way to keep wasting money).

Oh well... that's it for the news, hopefully this blog will become less and less about poker and more about how we turned our life around.

Hope everything is ok with you guys, see you soon.

xoxo

Andrea

from playing too much to not playing at all

So... Josh has received his money and has spent the last few weeks investing part of it in antiques. He completely stopped playing poker and didn't add any money to his Poker Stars account, thank god.

 

He has also not yet begun to sell any of the antiques he bought (mainly lamps and small art objects). I'm a bit concerned about his lack of urgency, but since it's his life I can only offer some advice while watching him make his own choices. My step dad has also been helping him making the right purchases, so... at least I know he's not buying worthless stuff.

 

For now money hasn't been a problem, because of what he got from his family. But he'll have to make some on top of it soon. He has about a month before we go on vacations... let's see if he can sell anything by then... or if he restarts his routine at the tables.

 

About me.. I got a new job offer and am considering what to do with my life... I don't know what they're planning to pay me and not exactly sure on what the job will be, all I know is that it'll be far from home, although probably more interesting and with better career possibilities. More answers next week.

 

 

Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying FIFA World Cup!

 

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

some good news

Hey everone, good news today! Josh's family agreed to give him his share of the inheritance without involving the court. I was surprised, I thought they'd put up a fight. So, soon he'll have 15K to start his antique business and to pay expenses without having to withdraw money from his Poker account. Yay!

I won't have to pay bills or the food alone, but our deal still stands regarding him doing all the house chores and me paying for his bank loan (120 euros a month). This will only stand until the business kicks off and he's able to pay for everything he's due. And it's also for him to get used to having the money. I don't know. Actually I don't know why he doesn't start paying for everything on his own right now, but I think it's because he needs that crutch (me) to feel safe. I guess it won't kill me to help him make a smooth transition into independency/adulthood. Yes, I know how this sounds.

Anyway these are the news, I'm happy but also a little scared about the future. What if he decides to spend more than he should at the tables? What if the business doesn't prosper? What if these 15K act like a band-aid in a gun-shot wound? Letting him keep up with a lazy lifestyle for another 2 years or so, and ruining my dreams in the process? Yep, those are my concerns.

But, as usual, I'm taking a leap of faith and hope for the best. It's his call, his responsibility. I'll stick around, while I can.

xoxo

Andrea

josh's decision

Just a small update with good news. Josh has spoken to his grandmother about getting his part of his inheritance money in advance - the plan is to get it now and then not receive that part when they all "officially" share it. He has a brother and sister, not sure if I mentioned it earlier, and they all should agree on it. Surprisingly, his grandmother agreed. But he still has to talk to his aunt, and she's... bad news. We'll see what happens. If they don't agree, he'll go to court to get the money... but that will take ages... damn.

Anyway, the good news is he told me he wasn't going to invest the money in Poker anymore. He'll continue to play with the stash he still has, and invest whatever he receives into the Antique business. It's also risky, but at least he'll be buying goods, that are always of some value, not burning money away at the tables. I was very happy with his decision, not because he'll stop playing (he won't, for now), but because he's doing something different and that's the first step to get a different result.

Also, my stepdad will help him and train him and this is finally a way for Josh to learn "a trade" and start doing something that I consider "normal" for a living. Even though it's not 100% safe (what is, these days?) and it also requires investment, I look at it as normal, because that's what my step dad always did.

Next week he'll have an answer from his aunt. Fingers crossed.

xoxo
Andrea

here we go again

Well, I guess you saw this coming. Josh was doing fine for the last 5 months and recovered part of his miserable stash (got back on the 2K mark), but just last week he decided it was time to go up a level. So instead of playing his usual 7$ games he went up to 15$ (this is not all he plays, but it was the main change).

He had a bad swing and it only took a week to destroy his bankroll. Now he's back with 800 dollars or something, and desperate. I don' understand why he didn't stop and went back to the 7$ games on time. He says he's tired of waiting and playing for pennies. I guess that's what you guys call "tilting" but he said I was crazy.

So... now what? He's been investing in antiques, but the business is slow, so that doesn't help much. He continues to refuse to get a job, even a part-time job, because he says that will keep him away from the tables and from making good profit (I guess it would also keep him from losing, but he doesn't see it that way). His final resource, as ridiculous as it may be, it's his inheritance. His grandfather died about 10 years ago and he should be entitled to part of the money, but out of respect for his grandmother, he never demanded it. Now he says he's going to start the process in court.

I sincerily have my doubts because he's very... slow when it comes to doing something. I mean the guy has had the papers to get blood tests done for almost 2 months now (he hasn't done medical tests in 10 years) and he still hasn't done it. He has no idea how his health is going, but is so... "lazy" that he just stays home, the reason being "I have no time to do it". Right.

Whatever happens, I'm worried that it will fall upon me to help him, again. Because I'll have to say No, and it may be the end of us. On top of it all his mood is terrible and we've had several fights. On the last one he made me feel guilty for being so lucky in life (since I didn't go through the trouble he experienced and had a "normal" upbringing) and underachieved, because he undermined all my achievements, saying they were all thanks to my parents and not from my personal effort or responsible personality. He says I have no idea of what it's like to grow up without money, cause I always had whatever I wanted and my life was easy - hence, I'm not more accomplished than him, I'm just lucky.

My house and my car were bought with money I got from an inheritance (I was lucky, my dad died when I was 10 and then my grandfather killed himself, and when my grandmother died I got all the money, since there was no one left); my house is partly decorated with furtinure my parents gave me (I am such a lucky brat, my parents help me out). The funny thing is that he's enjoying the very comfort he criticizes.He never contributed a dime. But that's not lucky of him, if I'd ask him for rent or regular gas money I'd be a total bitch. Because I have stuff. And he doesn't.

So... basically that's where we stand right now. I'm worried about him, since he's so negative and can't find simple solutions to his problems and apparently would rather kill himself than get a part time job. I'm serious, this is really how he thinks! It's so crazy... and pathetic, really. I don't know what to do, or even if I have to do anything, since he's dealing with the choices he made. But I still worry. I guess for the first time I'll try something different - will continue to help him out with food and bills, but not try to solve his problems, and certainly not give him a single euro for Poker. It's like if he were unnemployed and I was helping him out. I know it's not the same... his lazy ass refuses to work. But it's the only (acceptable) option I'm figuring out right now.

Thank you for reading. I hope you're doing well and to hear from you soon.


xoxo
Andrea

all is well

Hello everyone! It's been almost two months since I've written, but everything is fine. I have been away exactly because everything is fine. Life with Josh has been peaceful and happy, although not much has changed: we've been keeping both parts of our deal, he keeps the house clean and does stuff for me, I pay our expenses. Recently there was a slight improvement - he said I didn't have to give him the extra 20 dollars a week, because he didn't feel well accepting them anymore. So now I just pay our bills, he pays for his food and everything else.

 

He's  doing relatively well at the tables, but no major breakthrough yet. He's also been having a few health issues, he noticed he was having high blood pressure and we had to see a doctor and all... there's nothing wrong with his heart, but now we have to wait for his blood results to see if there's any physical cause for the high blood pressure, or if it's only stress.

 

I think this shows how seriously he takes this, unlike many of you say. Yes he's had his share of lazyness and hasn't been the perfect player (far from it on the early years), but now he's seriously trying to find his financial independence. He's always had a skin problema due to stress (a rash that gets worse on stressful periods) and now it's showing on his blood pressure as well. Assuming there is nothing physically wrong with him, which is my belief.

 

On other news, our dog Frank is fine, I just got another tattoo (a pagan god) and I took a couple of days off, so it'll be all relaxing and fun until Monday, which is good because things are a little difficult at work. Many changes and annoying colleages... I needed a break.

 

If anyone cares, I do apologize for my absence, but I felt I didn't have anything new to share and sometimes the comments are completely useless and destructive, so I just rather not write at all.

 

Hope all is well with you guys and hope to hear your news on the comments' section.

 

xoxo

Andrea

stop reacting

Hello everyone. I've been quiet lately because... mainly because everthing has been going well. Josh and I have been getting along fine, I stopped meddling in his business instead of always trying to control his schedule, his habits, his choices... and things have been more peaceful. I'm reading Codependency for Dummies and it has been very helpful, specially when it comes to.. stop reacting to Josh. I'm trying to act now, have a life. Not just react to Josh's life and make it my business all the time. I've admitted to myself that I try to control his life as a "hobby" to keep myself busy, too busy to look inside my own life and realize what I really want from it.

He's also been making a lot of money (a lot for my standards). I'm actually scared to post this because I don't want to jinx things, but yeah, he's doing very well lately. Of course this doesn't mean anything special yet, he's just closer and closer to recovering his bankroll, but I think that his winnings will only become meaningful to me when he reaches the 10K mark, doubling his initial stash. And when he starts paying his own bills. For now our deal still stands: he does things around te house and walks the dog, I pay the bills, he pays his food. Anyway, of course that winning is far better than loosing and maybe that's also why life has been ok lately and I've been at peace.

Today I had lunch with my parents though, and it was a little stressful because they seem to enjoy shoving my failures in my face. For instance, I had planned a trip to NY with Josh and then that stopped making sense to me, because I don't feel I should pay for it alone and I'd rather wait for him to have his own money and we can both go as equals. So my step dad asked, with sarcasm, about my trip. And then he asked, in the same tone, about my marriage. Both of them old plans that aren't likely to come true anytime soon (me and Josh were thinking about getting married on May 1st this year, but this was many months ago, before I started doubting everything).

Anyway, I acknowlege those "failures" as I ackowledge my inability to remove myself from a relationship that doesn't make me 100% happy. But that's the best I can do right now: not denying what I am and have been choosing for myself throughout my life. Sad as it may be, I take responsibility for it.

Hope everything is going well with you.

xoxo

Andrea

sharpening our tongues, doing nothing but growing old

Still alive here, just saying hi with a song. Not for everyone though... Cheers!

xoxo
Andrea

a break from everything

Hello everyone, hope you had an excellent Christmas and New Year's eve. I'm now at my parents' country house, came here to get away from everything for a few days, I'll go back to work next monday.

 

Well, it pains me to say I wasn't able to break it off with Josh. I wrote my last post while I was at work and had my mind all made up and everything. I even talked to my therapist on the phone and she told me I was doing the right thing if that was what my heart was telling me to do, since I was particularly hurt by his behavior during Christmas. My plan was to go home, tell him he had a week to get out and then see how he reacted. If it became impossible for me to stay there, I'd tell my parents and temporarily move to their place.

 

However, the minute I got off the phone with her, I started panicking. I was barely holding my tears for the next hour I spent at work and finally burst out crying on the drive home. Why? The thought of hurting Josh was too painful for me to bear, simple as that. I wasn't concerned about how my life would be without him, if I'd miss him or if I'd regret my decision - it was simply that I couldn't deal with telling him that he wasn't loved anymore and he had to go live his life somewhere else. Specially because he had no clue what was going on thus far and I could tell he was already feeling pretty insecure about us.

 

So... yeah, I got home and just cried, I wasn't able to tell him anything. He asked what had happened and what was wrong and I just told him I was crying over what had happened at Christmas, since I hadn't had the chance yet. This was on... friday, December 27. The next couple of days were horrible, I was completely divided between my mind and heart, constantly telling myself "he has to go" or making plans for my "escape" (even found a room but when I called they told me it was already taken); while still always feeling sick to my stomach, my heart pounding like crazy and not feeling good about the "decision" at all.

 

I ended up telling Josh that things weren't cool between us anymore and that I basically didn't feel the same I used to, because of Christmas and because of our relationship in general (his lack of money in particular). After he knew this, we had a few arguments over the next few days, because he tried (to the best of his capabilities) to make me happy and loving again, but I was always distant and he was getting fed up of my mood (avoiding him all the time).

 

Finally, on December 31st, I decided to go away with my parents for a while to calm down and rest and get my shit together. So, I put my misery away for the night and we spent New Year's eve together with some friends (it was actually quite fun). And I came here the next morning.

 

Oh, by the way, I was totally busted on the blog! Well, not totally, but almost. I was stupid and being on edge all the time didn't help. He came in the room during a break from the tables, while I was aproving some comments, and I imediately shut my laptop's lid, in a totally suspicious way. When I refused to tell him what I was doing, of course he thought I was cheating on him on Facebook or something and stormed out. So I ended up telling him the truth, that I keep a blog about our relationship and Poker and that's why I had been asking him lots of questions about his gaming habits lately and that's how I got him that book you guys advised me (Poker Winners are Different), etc. He didn't show much interest. I told him I'd rather not tell him the blog's name and he was apparently ok with it. I'm not surprised, since he hates reading and even though I have personal diaries hidden in drawers and such, that he knows about, he's never read them (to my knowledge). He always says he has better stuff to do with his time than snooping around my stuff. I believe him, because what I have written on those journals would make his head pop... if he'd read them, I'd know.

 

So.. what happens next? I don't know. I am now completely frustrated that I wasn't able to break up, but this doesn't mean I have the strength to get it done. I feel like I'm in a limbo of some sort. For now I'll try to relax and enjoy my days away from all that mess... What have I decided? You will tell me I'm only putting off the inevitable, and that might be so, but for now my decision was to wait 3 more months. Three more months of paying the rent and bills, so that he can continue playing without touching his bankroll. He's been going deep on a lot of tourneys... I still have hope he wins a first place and recovers at least his 5K. When that happens, I might tell him to leave, because I won't feel so guilty about "kicking him out" and we'll both have a chance to start from zero, apart.

 

I'm still hoping for a miracle, I know. Meanwhile, I'll focus on being happy, for me, and making myself happy. As I've read in one of many articles I follow, I can:

End a codependent relationship not by focusing on separating from the other person, but by reconnecting with who you are.

Let's see how it goes.


xoxo
Andrea

a quick note

Just letting you know things are a bit chaotic in my head and heart right now, but I'm ok. After another terrible x-mas I made a decision, but I will write more when things develop a little, I'm still figuring out how to do what I have to do. Yes, I mean breaking up with Josh.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

looking back

Just came back from a painful conversation with my parents and though of updating this. My step-dad told me lots of things about Josh and how he's getting himself into a trap with Poker and failing to invest in a real future... and he analyzed Josh's reasons to do so, on a "psychological level".

 

I agreed with everything and I asked him to do that very same analysis with me: why, knowing all that I know and have experienced with Josh, am I still with him? He told me he thought my problem is that I'm unable to deal with loss. That's why I always find ways to stay in the relationship, to adjust and adapt to Josh, even if I see no future with him and am unhappy with him. It's always better to be with him than without, because I simply cannot handle loss. That was his opinion and he told me I should treat it in therapy (although he doesn't believe in therapists).

 

He also thinks that this problem either comes from the loss of my father or from the fact I was kept in a hospital for over a year when I was just two years old, without seeing my parents regularly.

 

During this conversation, my mother was particularly pissed with the fact that I can't bring myself to end it with Josh, or to force him to change, and she said I must be pretty incompetent, because she always found ways to get my father (and step-dad) to do what she wanted. This made me sad. Then I lashed back at her saying that she might have changed my real dad, but they were still completely miserable together. She agreed but she said she only continued the marriage because I was born and my real dad threatned her that if she left him, I would never set my eyes on him again. What a douchebag. My real dad was a horrible, horrible dad and a worse husband, I wish my step dad was my real dad and I wish I didn't spend a minute of my childhood with that asshole.

 

So... yeah, it seems I'm getting somewhere. Loss issues. Facing the fact that "daddy didn't love me" and he used me to force my mom not to leave (he had already been abandoned by his ex, who cheated on him and left him). Bah, fucking pathetic. But at least I know where to turn now.

 

 

xoxo

Andrea

working on acceptance

Hi everyone, things have been quite good this week, as they usually are after a big fight. Josh is still playing and going deep on tables, but no major final tables so far, he's finishing up in the final 100, final 40, it depends. But December is still halfway ahead of us and I'm hopeful.

 

Our last fight had at least one positive outcome: I've decided to stop obsessing about my problem. I was looking at this relationship from a million different angles, like I was testing a bug or trying to solve a Rubik's cube, and there's really no point in that. It is what it is. For now Josh is still more important in my life that out of it and I have to stop fighting that, it's exausting and meaningless.

 

So I'm focusing more on myself (also therapy-wise), on listening to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day and even trying remembering stuff in my childhood that I totally blocked out. No success there so far.

 

The day after our fight I went to my parents' house (I didn't tell them what happened) and my mom was talking to me for an hour, complaining about my step-dad. I love my step dad and I think their relationship is great, they do stuff together, he's sweet to her, he buys her gifts, he helps around the house... but my mom sees it differently. She was complaining that she can't tell him anything or he'll start with the "I'm always the one to blame" speech and that he doesn't help her enough around the house (I think he does), or that she feels unloved because he doesn't make her feel special.

 

Her complaints, making absolutely no sense to me (but I didn't tell her this, I listened and supported her, obviously), are 100% real and painful to her. This made me wonder about how much of my complaints could be perceived differently by another person. And ultimately, if I should work a little on acceptance as well - since I want to stay with Josh, for now, that is. I mean, it makes sense to try and not get mad about everything all the time (he didn't pick up after himself, he isn't paying me enough attention, he didn't shave and is always with his beanie on and looks like a bum, he doesn't pay his bills, etc etc). 

 

I think I need this now. Trying to relax and focus on myself, not getting upset over little things and over things I cannot change for now (leaving Josh). Acceptance of myself and of him. For now. Yep.

 

 

Hope you guys are ok, I wish you all the best.

 

xoxo

Andrea

the fat lady didn't sing yet

Hello everyone, hope your weekend was nice, mine started off good, but ended up like crap. It had been a while since me and Josh had a big fight, so, naturaly, it had to happen. I'm at home now, couldn't go to work because I cried so much last night that I look like a monster this morning.

 

We started arguing because I told him I was sick of him not paying any attention to me and not investing in our relationship, because for the past month he's either playing Poker or sleeping. This led to an argument about my needs not being met and his needs as well. Or I should say "need",  because he only complains of one thing: sex (or lack of).

 

My attention needs don't make sense to him because I did exactly the same to him while I was working away from our house: I was too tired and unavailable to spend time with him and even kept meeting my friends although we had little or no time together as a couple. He believes I'm never satisfied with anything, I complain if he doesn't play enough and then I complain if he plays too much, I'm never happy and women in general are impossible to please.

 

For his part, I don't accept his sexual complaints because we always have sex at least once a week, and I feel like if I don't initiate it it's because he doesn't make me want to do it. I feel used in this relationship, for being his financial support, and even though he supports me in other levels, I still feel it's not enough. So... initiating sex doesn't come naturaly to me because I feel like I'm already "giving enough" and he has to try harder to get it (like being romantic, a better partner in house tasks, or, most importantly, being self-sufficient financially). Basically I've become turned-off by our problems and by his personality/life style.

 

So... he said he couldn't live with someone who felt like this, "turned off" by him, he was tired of always trying to set things right and never being enough and he was leaving. He packed, again. And I didn't stop him, I was trying to do the "right thing" for me.

 

But after 4 hours (he said he'd leave in the morning) of crying and talking and fighting, I couldn't hold on anymore. I kept saying that I didn't want him to go for a while, but meaning to let him go, I was like "yeah, we love eachother but this is not working, it's best that we part ways" and blabla. But then it was too much for me to handle. I said I didn't want him to leave and really meant it. In the end I didn't have to beg him or anything, he didn't want to leave either. So... yeah, he stayed. And dependency won.

 

It's sad for me to admit this, but it's an eye opener too. This really is like any other addiction. I was all strong and saying to myself "I won't stop him, I wish he'd just leave, I can't live like this anymore" but the truth is I'm not ready yet. It is arguable whether or not I'll ever be ready. But this is what I know: the pain of separation that I felt last night isn't natural. And it is even less natural when we observe the relationship at hand. Getting separate from Josh should be, not easy, because there are memories and feelings involved, but definately not this hard. It's like I'm in the hospital again and my parents are leaving me there again. Or it's like I'm finding out my father just died again. It is a primal, childish, desperate pain, that makes me curl up in a ball in the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out. Not normal. So... treating codependency is the only way. Yes. It is. Last night's experience only made this belief stronger.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

 

 

 

the power of vulnerability

I'll leave you with this today, you might have seen it or not, but it basically sums up a lot of what I'm struggling with my whole life. It's not about Josh, our relationship, his "job", his choices... it's about me and what needs fixing inside me. It's about what I have to admit to myself about my past and stop trying to control in my present life.

So.. yeah, just watch this video. Does it make sense to you?

xoxo
Andrea

small things

Hi everyone! Not much to say today, things at home have been rather peaceful, Josh is playing all the time and we're a bit distant now. He's been going to bed at around 7am. But I don't complain, it's nice to know he's focusing on the game.

 

Actually I think he's getting a bit obsessed, today he was talking about Poker in his sleep. He sometimes talks in his sleep, but I hadn't heard him going on about his hands yet.

 

This is my last day working away from home, yeaaaahhh! Next weak I'll go back to my usual routine of waking up only an hour before I have to be at work, instead of two. So, more free time to do what I want.

 

Christmas is coming and, although I'm not religious, I enjoy the season. Josh usually sets up our x-mas tree (I'm not very good with the decorations) and our house is all cozy and warm, I like spending time just laying on the couch with a blanket reading a book or watching my fav TV shows. I'm following Boardwalk Empire now (season 4) and reading The God of Small Things, beautifully written.

 

Let's see how things go, Josh has been winning some money, I hope he keeps it up and things can take a positive turn by the end of the year.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

 

xoxo

Andrea

what's in it for me

Hello everyone. Josh didn't win anything special during the Micro Millions event, so.. no miracles so far. However, he did go deep in several tourneys and won a few hundred dollars, which is excellent and gives me a little hope for the future. I'm thinking that if he wins a large sum of money soon (like, by the end of the year), I can either give us another shot at being happy, or leave him without feeling guilty, because he has the money to support himself.

Meanwhile, I'm focusing on my recovery. In one of the books I'm reading, the author asks us to describe the gains in our relationship. Since there are always reasons to stay in a codependent relationship, what are those reasons in my case, what do I gain by having a relationship with Josh? Many of you asked the same, I guess it's part of my recovery to answer it and be completely honest.

 

I'm not alone. Sometimes I wonder if being alone wouldn't be easier, because I wouldn't feel half the anxiety I do by living with Josh... but I like having someone else in the house in case something happens to me, like I get sick or something. I feel protected or safe, having him here. Also I tend to scare myself at night and have nightmares, it helps when he's here. I also enjoy his company when watching movies or shows on TV.

 

I get my share of laughs. Josh is funny and we do have fun together.

 

Josh occasionally teaches me stuff I don't know. He's into mathematics and statistics (which I'm not) and, since he watches a lot of TV, sometimes he shares stuff he learned in History or Science channels.

 

He cleans the house and walks the dog. But this is a constant struggle, he doesn't do it willingly and we usually fight over his lazyness (or any other reason his offers as to not have done his tasks). Don't know if this is an actual "gain".

 

He has his family's beach house. I truly looove it there.

 

We have our dog. And in case we part, he's taking the dog. Although I'll admit it would be like 90% grief and 10% relief, since I pay for all the dog expenses and also I wouldn't get stressed like I do when he doesn't walk the dog (which is something he frequently neglects).

 

This is basically it. A pathetic little list. Obviously he has a lot more to gain from this relationship than me... this, along with what I admitted in my previous post (especially because of it), has got me thinking and thinking... and worrying.

I had trouble sleeping last night from confronting this reality and the simple urge to leave Josh. I have to take things slow, I'm afraid to rush out and create a more painful situation than it has to be. My options would be: simply move out and leave a note telling Josh he had like 2 months to go; break up and keep living with him until he finally left (too painful and a bit scary); break up face to face and  then move out, facing his anger and the whole drama of him watching me pack and leave.

Another question I have to ask myself is... is leaving Josh going to fix my life? Or am I, again, searching for solutions outside of myself, when in reality I could find happiness regardless of Josh being in my life or not?

A lot of thinking to do.


Thanks for reading.

xoxo
Andrea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the most important question you can ask

Hello! I read a very interesting article (click to read it all) about the things we want in life and how our perspective on them is actually wrong, I thought of sharing it with you.

 

According to the author, to become a fully accomplished person, we got used to asking ourselves a question - what do I really want in life? - and then lead our lives in a way that somehow would result in succeeding at those goals.

 

The thing is, answering that question doesn't get us anywhere. Our answers will always be something like to "live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room." Which basically means nothing and will only contribute to make us feel like loosers for the most part.

So, the alternative would be starting to ask ourselves another question - what pain do I want to sustain in life (in order to achieve certain goals?). What are we willing to do or put up with, in order to achieve this or that? That is the million dollar question and can really change our lives.

An example from the article:

 

"If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.

 

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all."

 

Since I'm searching for what I really want as part of the therapy process, this was a good exercise for me. When it comes to my relationship the (painfully) real answer is "I want to be with Josh, I am willing to have arguments regularly regarding his bad habits at home, I'm able to sustain the stress of living with a man who doesn't bring money home regularly, I want to feel nervous and sad every other day, I wish to doubt my future and get frequent stomach aches, I'm willing not to ever have children to stay with Josh, if I have to, I am able to wait for him to become what I need forever, even if that means waking up someday and be an old woman that no other man will want, I am ok with giving him an allowance so he can pursue his dreams and hopefully become what I wish him to be."

 

Hm... yeah. I know it's bad. But it's reality and I have to deal with it. I mean, do I really want these pains? Not really, but since that's what I have to put up with in order to be with Josh, the answer is yes, I really want them. For now. Hopefully my therapy and building my selfesteem will change my answer a bit.

 

When it comes to playing poker, thinking about Josh, I think his real answer wouldn't be "I want to be a successful poker player", but it had to be something like "I want to play poker and deal with months of insecurity, bad beats and coolers, I want to put my relationship at stake, I want to spend many sleepless nights playing and most of my days watching videos on Youtube to improve my game. I want to spend years trying to accomplish something even if it means reaching the age of 40 empty handed and with no job perspectives." I wonder if he'd really answer this, if he's aware of this... I guess I'll ask him later.

 

What about you? What do you really want in life? What are the pains you want in your life?

 

Have a nice weekend!

 

xoxo
Andrea

no means no?

Hello everyone. Just keeping the blog alive here. Things at home have been peaceful for a week (wow), Josh is spending lots of time playing the Micro Millions thing, yesterday he entered a 21 thousand people tournament and won 200 dollars, he played for 6 hours and got to the final 200 players. It was a little frustrating because I was secretly hoping he'd go further and, who knows, win the 15K first prize (that would be awesome), but... yeah.

 

He said he was going to change his strategy a bit and start playing MTTs (he only played Sit and Gos for the last year), from now on. This is somewhat "refreshing" to me, because I always thought he should play MTTs. Not that I know what I'm talking about, but I figure that if he can pay like 8 dollars to win 15K, he should try it from time to time, even if it's a long shot. He always said it wasn't a good idea because the game doesn't work based on "long shots", but on long term persistency and repetition, which means he might have to play dozens of MTTs to make sure he'd win something decent and he couldn't risk his bankroll like that.

 

Now, after seeing that he has gone far in several tournaments, he got his confidence up a little, and decided he's going to play more of it. Not sure if he plans on stopping SNG, but I don't think so and I hope not, I think he should play both to keep things balanced.

 

 

Now, regarding our relationship... What happened last time we had a huge fight was a small victory for me (not giving in, making him buy his pills and pick up the Dog License for me), but unfortunately, for boundaries to be deeply set, they must be tested, and those tests happen when we disagree, have a fight and I stand my ground (or not). So, I passed my first test. The problem is that sometimes fights don't happen often enough (ridiculous, but please understand) and this tends to make me "softer" which in consequence makes it more difficult to keep my boundaries when the next altercation arrives.

 

I was talking to my mom about this the other day. Her reaction was the same as many of yours: it can't be that difficult to leave someone if you're not entirely happy with the person. I showed her the book I'd just bough (Codependency for Dummies) and explained to her that I've had this problem since my teens, that I spent my whole life saying yes to men when I really wanted to say no. I didn't get into many details (she's my mom), so I didn't mention anything sexual (which happened several times), but I did admit to her that I'd accepted a guy's request to be his girlfriend (when I was like 20) only not to upset  him, and then I got home and texted him saying I was sorry but I didn't want to be his girl after all. She was a bit shocked to know this, lol. I can tell you a dozen stories of situations when I said yes instead of no (with other men, not Josh), for a single reason: not to be unpleasant and create what would be an awkward situation for me.

 

So we talked about how this problem only happens when it comes to men, because I have no problem standing up for myself with women. And we talked a bit about my real dad and how he might have influenced me to become like this, since I was always trying to make him love me and he was very demanding and cold and always busy.

 

So... yeah, to answer those who accused my therapist of being a charlatan, I disagree completely. It's very simple, actually. Imagine you found out that the way you lived your entire life was wrong, unhealthy or even dangerous for you (and I've had more than one dangerous situation because of my inability to say NO, the worst being almost getting raped). Imagine you'd have to learn how to live differently. Do you think you'd be able to change a little chip in your brain and wake up a new person? No.

 

It takes time. It takes tests. This can last months or years, depending on the situation. I'm still coming to terms with the reality of my life: I have to change the way I lead my life. And this has to be done in small steps. First I say no to buying him pills, then I say no to having sex if I'm tired and don't feel like it, then I say no to getting his dinner on the way home just so he doesn't have to move, then I say no to doing just about anything that goes against my will. Simple... but difficult.

 

Hope you guys are ok.

 

xoxo

Andrea

one day at a time

Hello everyone, didn't want to end the week without updating, but things at home are pretty much the same... we have peaceful days and then along comes another fight.

 

I was hoping for some huge breakthough in my therapy session, but nothing like that happened. My therapist says I'm not ready to leave Josh just yet and I should focus on myself, my boundaries and self respect, to stop the codependency. This can take months. She also suggested we had couples' therapy. I asked Josh but of course he said no, therapy isn't for him, there's nothing wrong with him, blablabla... obviously.

 

Meanwhile his bankroll isn't getting any bigger and I'm considering my options, leaving is looking pretty good to me, but... the house, the relationship, what will become of Josh... those things still worry me enough not to let me move out.

 

Now with the Micro Millions in PokerStars we'll see if he wins something amazing and something changes. Or not. As for me, I'm not in a good mood right now.

 

Hope you guys are doing good!

 

xoxo

Andrea

PS: Someone asked me what platform I use to keep this site, but I can't find that comment, it's gone. Anyway, I use Blogger, not Wordpress. Blogger has several themes you can use, this green one with the poker chips fit perfectly :)