Hello everyone. I've been quiet lately because... mainly because everthing has been going well. Josh and I have been getting along fine, I stopped meddling in his business instead of always trying to control his schedule, his habits, his choices... and things have been more peaceful. I'm reading Codependency for Dummies and it has been very helpful, specially when it comes to.. stop reacting to Josh. I'm trying to act now, have a life. Not just react to Josh's life and make it my business all the time. I've admitted to myself that I try to control his life as a "hobby" to keep myself busy, too busy to look inside my own life and realize what I really want from it.
He's also been making a lot of money (a lot for my standards). I'm actually scared to post this because I don't want to jinx things, but yeah, he's doing very well lately. Of course this doesn't mean anything special yet, he's just closer and closer to recovering his bankroll, but I think that his winnings will only become meaningful to me when he reaches the 10K mark, doubling his initial stash. And when he starts paying his own bills. For now our deal still stands: he does things around te house and walks the dog, I pay the bills, he pays his food. Anyway, of course that winning is far better than loosing and maybe that's also why life has been ok lately and I've been at peace.
Today I had lunch with my parents though, and it was a little stressful because they seem to enjoy shoving my failures in my face. For instance, I had planned a trip to NY with Josh and then that stopped making sense to me, because I don't feel I should pay for it alone and I'd rather wait for him to have his own money and we can both go as equals. So my step dad asked, with sarcasm, about my trip. And then he asked, in the same tone, about my marriage. Both of them old plans that aren't likely to come true anytime soon (me and Josh were thinking about getting married on May 1st this year, but this was many months ago, before I started doubting everything).
Anyway, I acknowlege those "failures" as I ackowledge my inability to remove myself from a relationship that doesn't make me 100% happy. But that's the best I can do right now: not denying what I am and have been choosing for myself throughout my life. Sad as it may be, I take responsibility for it.
Hope everything is going well with you.
xoxo
Andrea
I've been perusing your blog throughout the day and from how you describe him Josh sounds the exact type of person a good poker player wants to play with: lazy, entitled, impulsive, more focused on collecting VPP's than playing winning poker and moving up in stakes, etc. I'd love to know his screen name because I have friends playing small-midstakes on Pokerstars and they surely have notes on him in their databases.
ReplyDeleteI feel horrible for your family because they have to suffer through watching you voluntarily swan dive into the abyss that your degenerate husband is creating for both you and himself. When the inevitable occurs and this toxic situation finally boils over it will be your family picking you up off the ground, and it's unfortunate that you're blinded by something -- ignorance, apathy, genuine stupidity, I'm not sure -- which doesn't allow you to see the damage you are creating.
Oh, and both the title and subtitle of this blog are misleading. There is literally nothing professional about your husband's gambling hobby, and the game of poker isn't affecting your life on any level; rather, your husband is making terrible life choices on his own free will and rather than seeing the writing on the wall you're making a conscious choice to tag along for the ride. Poker is just the vehicle Josh has chosen for his degenerate joyride.
DeleteMaybe you haven't read my blog closely enough. You talk about the many causes for me to be "blind" but ignore the one true cause: codependency. And this word has been aaall over my blog lately. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get well, or that I will use this term as an "excuse" for being "weak" and not leaving Josh. It only means I will not have you or anyone else accusing me of being ignorant, apathic, stupid, or similar. I know what I am, I know my history and I know how I got here. Being stupid isn't part of the equation, although many ignorant people will choose to look at it that way. I'm a very intelligent woman, I've accomplished myself on many levels, I have an above average job, a Master's degree, I earn more than all of my friends and I keep healthy friendships and family relationships. I will not be labeled stupid, ignorant, or even weak for that matter, just because people can't ackowledge that codependency exists and that it's a disease.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the blog's title, it has also been written more than once that it's not to be taken literally. But to say that Poker had nothing to do with our lives is ridiculous.
Josh was more concerned with VPPs than with winning, indeed. He was stupid, oh so stupid... I don't know where he got that information from, probably from a Forum or something, telling him that was a good strategy. Stupid move. I had no way of knowing it though. Now he's not doing it anymore, he's playing for the win and has been winning. I hope he continues to do so and I can post some really good news soon.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Delete"I know ... He will never win big time at the tables and he will never keep his word regarding business or money."
ReplyDeleteYou post realistic stuff. But when readers attack Josh, you get defensive and make silly statements like:
"I had no way of knowing ... and... hope ... I can post some really good news soon."
Maybe this is part of the codependent coping mechanism. It is bizarre and exasperating to see you write sensible, aware posts and then continually lapse into fantasy, hoping things will magically change. Saying "I had no way of knowing" denies your complicity and responsibility. It's like writing "Yes, my boyfriend was an irresponsible, sadistic, psychopathic drug addict, but I had no way of knowing he would put the baby in a microwave!"
Well, I am denying my complicity and responsibility towards HIS life and choices, I have to.
DeleteI'm only responsible for staying with him and having hope, yes.
So you've never made payments to a creditor to finance Josh's gambling hobby?
DeleteYes, I have.
Deletesounds like good times
ReplyDeleteAnd how have you been doing anger?
Deletepretty good. it snowed here last night. the broncos r in the SUPER BOWL,so every1 is happy. not me . raiders fan.been hanging in fort collins old town . cool bars and such.
Deletealso,slayer is coming to denver in may. tool is touring but closes is reno,nevada. so mayb road trip.
DeleteCool :D I miss seeing Tool live, they haven't come here for several years now.
DeleteWhy have you deleted your comment, "Cody Borders"?
ReplyDeleteCody Borders wrote:
ReplyDeleteI've read closely enough to know he's cheated on you and he decided to become a full-time gambling hobbyist after some short-term winnings. I know your husband was a losing player over a five-figure sample of micro-small stakes MTT's/SNG's and over 70,000 hands of low stakes cash games in 2013 and nothing you've written thus far would lead anyone with a modicum of poker experience to believe 2014 will be any better. If I'm missing anything please let me know.
It doesn't matter at all that you hold a Master's Degree. Congratulations on having good attendance and completing your assignments; neither of these things are indicative of intelligence. The fact that you have an above average job is made null by the fact that as a codependent you have a below average lifestyle by default. The fact that you make more than your friends is nullified by costs associated with subsidizing the life of a degenerate.
You imply codependency is something you can't control, but being a recovering codependent I'm aware that this is not the case. You make the choice to give attention and support to unattractive behavior, and you make the choice to get help and ultimately step away from a toxic situation.
Being a recovery codependent yourself, I'd expect a little more empathy on your part.
DeleteFrom your comment I can only see that you somehow feel validated by undermining my personal achievements, which I take it means you have very little self-esteem yourself. Your opinion (and sarcasm) doesn't say much about me, but sure says a lot about you. I may have my flaws, but I sure as hell don't go about blogs putting down people I don't even know, for no apparent reason.
Yes, because really: what was your reason? What was your point? Are you accusing me of not being a good enough recovering codependent? Of not doing things YOUR way? If you really are a recovering codependent you should know that "stepping away from a toxic situation" doesn't cure codependency. The "cure" comes from daily inner work on ourselves, on self respect and boundaries. Right now Josh isn't breaking any boundaries. He is treating me right. I am ok with helping him along the terms of our deal. I'm living one day at a time and stopped focusing so much on the relationship, because there's much more to life than this.
Feel free to focus on YOUR recovery and leaving me alone, because undermining comments like that don't do me (or you) any favors.
I no longer have anything to post other than it's nice to see you're finally accepting to lay in the bed you made a long time ago. Hopefully it all works out for you.
ReplyDeletethis blog die?
ReplyDeleteYes, did Josh become an investment banker, propose marriage, and plan kids? Or did you just resign yourself to supporting an obsessed poker bum? Maybe Josh has been winning moderately and been in a good mood, making your life tolerable ... or at least more tolerable than the nasty comments here?
ReplyDeleteAre things still better? Have you solved your codependency, or accepted it?
ReplyDeleteYour just plain out not even close to a decent wife,You make your husband pay for his own food? and you just pretend to support his career . So when/if he hits big and moves up and has his poker sill zoned and starts stacking people on the reg I wounder if he will make you pay for your own food
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